fashion friday v. 3

breaking news! I can now finally fully eat with both sides of my mouth! wooooo! I'm eating lunch (tuna casserole which is sooooo amazingly good that it almost deserves it's own blog post) and finally get to really enjoy it because I'm not concentrating on eating on just the left side of my mouth. oh, some background would probably be helpful for those who don't know. at the end of june, (the 27th) I had the two wisdom teeth on the right side of my mouth pulled. not because they bothered me (I barely noticed they came in or that they were even there) but because they fear the top one would get too many cavities (there was a gap between it and the tooth next to it) and the tooth on the bottom was coming in at an angle and got caught onto a nook of the tooth next to it. so it was more of, what we like to call here at work, preventative maintenance. I was majorally upset though since there weren't any major issues with it, but whatever. I had so much pain in my jaw (all along the jawline to my chin) for pretty much four weeks. like crazy pain. like wake-me-up pain. I was popping ibuprofen like I was drug addict. I'm surprised I didn't overdose personally because sometimes it would hurt so bad that I would pop a bunch without really thinking about much other than getting rid of the pain. pain aside, needless to say I had a hole in my mouth that kept getting food in it. so I avoided eating with that side of my mouth so I didn't have to go through the trouble of getting the food out using this fancy curvy syringe tool thing they gave me to clean it out (which happens to be the exact same tool we use to clean cheyenne's battle wounds - not the exact same one - the vet gave cheyenne her own). well now, my hole's (which I would refer to my "tooth hole" per request of my family since saying "crap I got stuff in my hole" anywhere is borderline inappropriate) pretty closed up that I can somewhat easily use my tongue to clean it out. so I'm not afraid to eat on that side anymore! yay! it's hard to keep food on one side of your mouth.

that's not the reason I'm writing (although I'm not sure if there really is one) and I probably went into too much detail but it's a good thing for me. and I get to leave work a little early for a doctor's appointment where I'll hopefully be able to convince my doctor to switch my birth control and hopefully I won't feel nauseous every morning! (although tracy's advice she gave to me of taking it earlier in the evening did help but instead of being nauseous at 4/5 am, I get nauseous at 2/3 am and if I happen to wake up at that time it sucks.)

so today's going alright so far. thank god. because i really need a good day. I've been really down in the dumps lately and it's really exhausting. things haven't gotten better with chris. just more bullshit that makes me more frustrated and depressed. although yesterday it seemed he finally kinda understands why I haven't set up an appointment with a counselor or something. but I'll get into that another time.

I want to do a fashion friday! (sorry you had to read all of that tooth stuff to get to the good stuff.) I've recently discovered and fell in love with etsy (I know, I'm way slow, not to mention uber lame). it's the easiest way for me to see unique styles that I like. here's a few things that caught my eye:

if I cooked a lot, I'd want an apron like this. I love the vintage-y style - too cute. it's almost like a mini dress. and the green waistband and pocket are awesome.
The CHLOE Vintage Inspired Sweet Strawberries on Pink Full Apron

I love the color of this necklace. it's so simple yet it draws me to it for some reason.
Peach Tea Rose Necklace FREE Shipping

this hair piece it also adorable and simple with a vintage feel. would be great for my short hair.
Dark Daisy Hairpins
Skirt with high waist

I love the owl thing too.
Unchain My Heart Mini Dress

this next one I'm actually stealing from amanda. she posted it a while ago, but it's still fresh on my mind and I love it so.

:) that's all. have a good friday.


new week = new attitude

ahhh I hate when I get all depressed and bummed and write mushy lame posts that make no sense to anyone but me pretty much because it's filled with so much rambling - although, which of my posts are not filled with ramblings? anyways, although I still feel pretty crappy and un-optimistic about where my relationship with chris is going, I did manage to get him to talk with me saturday morning. if he stays true to his word (for once) and I can stop being so bitchy all the time, there may still be some hope for us. I still think we need some serious professional help though. just someone we can talk to to help us find a way we can talk to each other. but we'll see.

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that's my motivational face - in case you need a little
motivation on this monday morning
it's a new week. and with new weeks comes new days. (that was deep, huh?) I woke up early, probably because I didn't sleep well at all last night (woke up four or five times between 8pm and 4am) and took a shower. I got out, and I felt motivated. (I always seem to do that when I shower monday mornings.) but so far my motivation hasn't faded yet. (sure, it's only 10am.) so I'm hoping it will last until I get home so I can get some shit done around the house. and maybe I can even get a little bit of exercising done. (if you can call wii fit and dancing aerobic videos exercising - hey, gotta start somewhere right?) and maybe this motivation will put me in a good mood for the rest of the week. and I won't be bitchy to chris and he'll be nice and loving to me and we'll live happily ever after!

hope everyone else is having a motivational monday.


get over it already

how did I get here? how in the world did I fall into this endless hole again? (you'd think I'd barricade it off after the last time I fell in it.) I don't want to be here - in this hole that is all too familiar. but it seems this hole is deeper. and it's getting harder for me to find my way out.

I'm broken. no, I feel shattered into a million pieces. I want to curl up in a corner and cry. I have crawled into a corner and cried. there's no reason for me to be so broken, so fragile. life is good. I have a good job. sure I dislike my boss and am frustrated with the way things are run, but frustrations will be at every job I have. that's just part of the job. I have a beautiful home, my home, that I get to reside with my puppies and boyfriend. I have a wonderful family who love me very much. I have a good relationship with all of my family. I have a good education. I have good friends. I have a great life.

so why am I so broken? why do I feel like there's no hope? I've been through these doubts. I've been through these pains. I thought I recovered from these doubts and pains. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel so broken. I want to live my life. I want to learn. I want to explore. but I can't. I can't get the motivation anymore. I can't get the heart to do anything.

I feel so alone. no one to talk to. no one to share my true emotions with. there's chris, ha. there's no point. he never listens. he doesn't care. there's my mom, but she has her own worries. her own pain. and there's tracy, who also has her own pain - dealing with a sick family member. how could I force my insignificant problems on her? who else? who else will listen? who else will understand? everyone's happy. everyone has their families. everyone has their married life with their wonderful husbands who supports them and stands by them 100%. who do I have? I haven't even talked to my fiance for the past two days.

I've spent so many years whining to people about my problems. no one wants to listen anymore. no one can help me. what can I do? I'm in this on my own. I have to find my way out. because no one can help me. no one wants to listen to me whine. I'm such a drama queen. such a baby. get over this alicia. wake up. there's no reason so cry to the point where you can't breathe. there's no reason to be depressed. get over it. grow up.


annoyance of the day: person I work with

uuuggggghhh! not only do you ramble on forever about things no one cares about but you can also be a dick. you complain that there's a lack of communication in this company yet you don't mention to another coworker that someone else gave you the information you asked from him. instead of making a quick call to say, "hey, so-and-so got me those drawings," you wait until you (fortunately for him) pass him crawling on the ground around a tank looking for a label. then instead of apologizing for not telling him, you laugh and try to be funny. how rude. no wonder no one here respects you. (except your master of course.)

how I feel
and when I send you a file that you asked for and you decide to modify it (no surprise there because you don't seem to trust anything I do nor do you ask me to adjust it to include what you want), don't put the new file in my personal folder. why can't you just ask me to update it? I don't want your shit in my folder - especially if you're just going to add one additional calculation. just add it to the spreadsheet I sent you and save over it for god's sake. I don't need two spreadsheets with the same shit on it. and if you're going to change things because what I did wasn't right, why don't you talk to me and let me figure out why? how am I supposed to learn if you aren't giving me any opportunities? why did I waste half my day on something you're just going to do yourself anyways?

this is the second time you've been my "annoyance of the day" and I have a feeling this won't be the last. you suck. I hate how you put me on the spot by asking how I think of you as a boss. what do you expect me to say? I could vent forever but that doesn't exactly make me look good now does it? and I hate that you're only a little bit older than me and I'll have to spend my whole career with you. please move to al abra. or tenke. I don't care. just leave me alone. you're not mentoring me and you're not teaching me anything important or useful about how to do my job.


is that what I think it is?!

*squeeeaaaaal!* we've finally been blessed with a "monsoon" storm tonight. ok, it really wasn't much of a monsoon where I live, but I'm sure it north of us. I could see it! it did rain for like 30 seconds here. and the lightning and thunder was very exciting and frequent. that's my favorite part anyways. actually I think I love the rain as equally. especially the desert smell after it rains. mmm. I guess I love everything about the monsoons. except the wind. it was a bit windy here, but not too intense. it definitely wasn't an intense monsoon like I remember as a kid, but it was something. more than we've had. and just enough to remind me that it's coming soon.

this probably wasn't blog worthy, but I was dang excited. I woulda taken pictures of the lightning like I used to when I was a kid, but it takes a lot of patience and a lot of room on your memory card in order to maybe get one decent picture of a lightning bolt. and I have to go to bed because I have to work tomorrow. bleh. work.

me waiting for the monsoons is like a drug addict waiting for their next hit. I'm itching for it. I think about it all the time. I dream about it even. it's crazy and silly, I know, but if you lived in arizona and you experienced our monsoons back in the day, you'd understand (assuming you're ok with lightning, rain, thunder, and wind).


oh my gosh. it's sunday. not only is it the last day of summer fashion week, but I also have to go back to work tomorrow. boo to both. but man, words can't describe how I feel right now. you are all so amazing and I feel so lucky to have you guess view my "blog" and observe my fashion all week! and I am so amazed by everyone's awesome fashion! I've read some really great blogs that I think I'm going to start following now (and I'm glad I'm not the only non-mommy blog, sometimes I feel outta place). you've all said so many sweet things and I love the positivity we've passed around each other for the past week. let's spread it around. let's be like the common cold - that way everyone catches this feeling and it's contagious! I've never had so much fun dressing up. and I've never felt so good about myself, not just by received compliments, but also by giving tons of compliments! ahhh I wish I could accurately describe how freakin' awesome this is! don't forget me, because I won't forget you guys!

without further ado: today the fam went to breakfast at ihop and chris and I are getting ready to take the pups to my parents' for some more swimming. the pool will feel nice and relaxing with how hot it is. here's my sunday outfit - I was going to wear something super cute, you know, go out with a bang, but I figured that'd be lying since I'd be spending most of my day in my swimsuit and comfy clothes, so I opted for being true to myself :)

top: kohls
 papaya (?)
sunglasses: kohls
sandals: charlotte russe

I started dancing to some the academy is... when ginger wanted to join and of course pepper wanted to as well (she is ginger's shadow).

the shoes (I need to touch-up my toenails eek!)

thank you all again for your sweet comments and for stopping by! hope you continue to after the week's over! I know I'll continue visiting you guys!

and special thanks to emery. you are so inspirational and strong and amazing and my new idol. you deserve an award for being so awesome. this has been so much fun and encouraging. thanks again and I can't wait until fall!



aww only one last day left. :( I hope there's a fall fashion week so I have another week in the year to look forward to.(hint hint emery. (: )

today's saturday! got to sleep in until 8 today! crazy. 4 extra hours than usual. I meant to upload these earlier so that you guys could see them, but didn't realize it's already 7! where did my day go? oh I remember. took my car to get it diagnosed (paula's sick), my mom came over early to watch the first two twilight movies with me (we only got through the first one), then went to see the third twilight movie with my mom, her bosses, cousin, and aunt (so much fun), and had dinner at chili's. then came home, lost horribly at two games of euchre with chris and my parents (not usual), and now I'm playing wii bowling with them. fun day. definitely relieving after such a shitty day yesterday.

so here's what I wore:

headband: tilly's
papayaleggings: target (?)shoes: jessica simpson (famous footwear)

I was trying to climb the random post in the middle of our room. it's kinda hard in those shoes.

the deets:

excited to see all
your looks



I don't know how all you ladies do it: stay so positive in life every single day (or maybe it's just this week?).  I tried so hard today to turn my leaf over but it seems to be stuck. and I don't know how jump out of this hole today. I always fall in when things are going good. bleh.

with that being said, it's friday. so sad (only a few more days left of SFW), yet so glad (looong day - loong week for that matter). I decided that I'm going to utilize my free afternoon to take a much needed lazy day. I didn't really try with my look today. I just wanted to wear something comfy so I can eat taco bell (mmm) and lay on the couch and watch movies with chris. I figured it's better than wearing pj's though.

so here's this afternoon's lazy look:

this is me pretending to be cheerful and happy after a "disagreement" between chris and I. thankfully he was still willing to take my pictures. I then attempted to fit the "image" of bikers (since I'm wearing a harley davidson tee) by looking tough/like a badass.

"vintage" harley davidson t-shirt: gift from my dad
shorts: gift from chris's mom
badass look: genetic from my parents

my dad was going through some of his old, old shirts (I consider them vintage since they're from the 70s/80s) and seeing if us kids wanted any. I didn't feel comfortable taking any of his harley shirts (he had a ton) since I'm not a badass biker. but he convinced me to take this one and the first time I put it on, I immediately fell in love with it. it's so soft and comfy. now one of my favorite shirts. I wish I had taken more.

here's me trying to look tough with my "vicious" pitbulls (in reality they're the sweetest things ever - ginger wouldn't stop liking my face until the camera went off - pepper on the other hand is in the nipping phase).

p/s: we finally got blinds in our house. like?

the deets:

shoes: converse - famous footwear

everyone's gotta have a pair of cons. my green faded a bit because I accidently left them outside to dry too long after washing them.

silver & gold headband: the icing

go check out everyone else's look! only 2 days left! :(

positive inspiration

today started out pretty unpleasantly. I couldn't, for the life of me, pull myself out of bed. pepper kept digging her feet into my back last night (I can only sleep one way since my jaw/chin still hurts on the other side from getting my wisdom teeth pulled) so I kept having to wake up and move her over. she's so adorable because every time I try to move her closer to chris, she'd just get up and push herself next to me again. I love puppies.

anyways, woke up late. got cut off while I was trying to pass a semi (it would make more sense why this sucks if you understood my drive to work). later, another car freaked out behind me and started riding my ass and flashing their lights frantically when they realized the passing lane was going to end and we were going to get stuck behind a truck (I on the other hand saw that there were 4 or 5 trucks in front of him and felt it was safer to stay behind until the next passing lane). then chris implied that I drive too aggressive and erratically which, again, if you knew the drive I have to make, you have to be aggressive to pass all the semis. plus my car is fucked up so it's difficult to get speed and it's been pretty shaky.

but instead of being in a bad mood, I decided to continue with my day in a positive mood. sure it's still barely the beginning of the day, but I don't want a bad morning to ruin a whole day. I've been so inspired this week. it's like this great epiphany smashed into my brain this week. I've been participating in emery's summer fashion week and have been having so much fun! I observed when she did her spring fashion week and decided to put in some effort to participate this time around. it's nice because I work in the same thing every day (polo and jeans) and by the time I get home, I just change into pj's and be lazy. but this week I've made myself get dressed up every evening to showcase stuff from my closet. it forces me to be as creative as possible and always cheers me up because I get to feel pretty again. it's hard to feel pretty when you wear the same thing every day with minimal makeup and can't do much with your hair. but this week, my confidence has skyrocketed to the moon. I feel so good about myself.

and I have the people who comment and who have participated as well. all these girls are so beautiful and only have positive things to say. everyone is so sweet! it's given me a chance to see some creative and amazing fashion which encourages me to take risks with my fashion. and it's given me a chance to read some new blogs (even if most of them are mommy blogs). what I love and what I find so inspiring is every one is so positive and excited about what life has to offer them. if there is something bad or negative occurring in their life, they look at the positive side. and it's finally hit me that there's no reason to have bad days over stupid little things. if these gorgeous ladies can find the good out of a shitty situation (shittier than any of mine could ever be) then I should be able to find the good in having to fight crazy traffic. this week really has changed my outlook on life and I have emery to thank for that. 100%. so thank you.

I'm turning over a new leaf. a positive leaf. the old leaf that somehow was taken away with the wind.



part of me is ecstatic it's thursday because that means I get to catch up on my sleep very very soon. but the other part of me is bummed because summer fashion week is almost over. I've been having so much fun!

today my parents are coming over and chris and I will be making dinner for them. we try to have them over weekly, but things have been pretty hectic the past couple of weeks.

here's my making-dinner-for-the-rents outfit:

purple cover-up: charlotte russe
top: charlotte russe
shorts: wet seal
shoes: wet seal

I immediately fell in love with the top when I saw the detail on the back:

I think it's a nice way to incorporate crochet in an outfit without overdoing it.

the details:

purple jeweled headband: charlotte russe

the earrings remind me of little disco balls hanging from my ears.

earrings: tillys

I realize I post a lot of pictures. my bad. I guess I like taking pictures too much. ha. one last photo to show the full outfit again.

I'm not sure what's wrong with my leg

hopefully dinner turns out decent! I'm not such a great cook. since I'm a newbie, recipes are a necessity.

it's still not too late to join in!

where oh where is the rain?

I've been hearing a lot of people talking about how hot the weather is where they live. here, in the lovely and oh-so-exciting state of arizona, the highs are 110+ (this week we're blessed to possibly hit 115 degrees!). and our lows seem to stay in the 90s. there's been nights when it's still over 100 degrees outside. yes, it's a dry heat ("that's like saying, put me in a oven instead of the pot of boiling water") but I don't want it. I'm done with the heat.

all I know is I'm waiting for the monsoons to pay their visit. I've been looking forward to a good monsoon for what seems like forever! when I was a kid, I remember the monsoons being crazy - strong winds, a vast amount of lightning, and pouring rain. I feel like the monsoons just aren't the same anymore. it breaks my heart. it makes me wanna scream whhhyyy?! into the clouds. where is it? it's frustrating. it aches my heart. it makes me want to go crazy. especially when every time I've left work the past two weeks, this is what I'm driving away from:

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monsoons getting ready to hit the town of globe/claypool/miami
*actual picture I took on the mine

and this is pretty much what I come home to (minus the greenery):

the superstition mountains, sunny and light cloud-age
*not an actual picture I took

and then I get all excited and wait for the storm near work to hit. (I work about 50 miles southeast of where I live, and usually that's the area the storms come from) but it never does. it's like the monsoon sees the little town of apache junction, and decides to take a detour (and who really blames it?). for two weeks this is how my evenings go. my evenings should be filled with:

I should be hiding from the sounds of the wind. I should be listening to "american pie" while watching the rain through the windows.
 I shouldn't be able to go swimming because the lightning's too close. and I should be laughing because the dogs are going crazy from the thunder (I don't even know if they would or not!) but no. instead I'm doing errands and swimming at my parents' house.

mr. monsoon, why are you so late this year? some of us are more than excited to see you (the amount of excitement nears that of christmas day). I'm aching for the smell of desert rain. I desire my nights of lightning watching and listening to the relaxing sounds of thunder. I could do without the wind, but if the wind is required in the package deal then I'll take it. just please visit soon. I miss you. sincerely, your biggest fan, alicia.



first of all, thanks to everyone for the such sweet comments. I wish everyone in the world could feel the warm and fuzzy feeling I get from your compliments. I'm going to do my part in sharing this feeling as much as I can but just smiling and giving compliments more. too bad I can't bottle up this feeling and pour it over everyone I walk by.

you've all inspired me. not only are your outfits amazing and effortless, but you share such positivity. it's funny how so many of you found an outfit I've always found boring, cute. I guess it's different since I seriously have to wear the same thing every day. just a different color polo and different jeans. so to me, it's boring. but you've helped me realize that it doesn't have to be.

so during my wonderful shopping trip with my dearest friend yesterday, I got tons of accessories to spruce up my everyday look. (as much as I could find that still followed our lame dress code.) so today, as I was wearing a grey polo, I added this cute silver headband. (a) forgive the bad photography. my photographer wasn't near and I was using my phone (camera's battery died). and (b) forgive the shitty makeup. stayed out too late last night to wash it off & woke up to late this morning to properly fix it sooo....   

silver braided headband: the icing
polo: aeropastale
jeans: walmart
here you can see the braided detail a little more.

I also got some adorable earrings to wear with my brighter colored polos. it's not much, but I feel it brings more personality to everyday boring work clothes.

this evening I'm headed over to my parents' house to go swimming and for homemade pizza. yum. and when the the highs are 114-116 degrees here and it's the dry heat so you don't feel like doing anything because it's just so dang hot, it's nice to live four miles away from your parents' who have a pool. so here's my pre-swimming look.

top: wet seal
boyfriend shorts: charlotte russe
ginger just got out the water and was shaking off. hence her crazy look and my awkward pose.
in my arms: pepper
by my feet: ginger

mini poinsettia hair clip: the icing
rose earrings: tillys
can't wait to see what you all wore today! and it's not too late to join in!



yay! I actually have a reason to dress up this afternoon. good ol' shopping and wetzel pretzels with my favorite tracy!

but first, a look at my everyday work attire.

hard hat: provided from work
safety glasses: from work (sierrita)
polo: aeropastale
safety vest: from work
cheap jeans: walmart
boots: converse
exciting, I know. when you work at a mine, you have a dress code (like most workplaces). only problem is mine requires jeans & ppe (personal protective equipment). and because I work with acidic solutions (hence the cheap jeans - if you seen my other one, you'd see what acid wash really means) it's not really practical to wear cute blouses. I know, lucky me.

 now on to my outfit for my girl time with tracy! 

ginger wanted to be included too
something a little more girly for a trip to the mall. if you look downstairs you can see some of our mess in our kitchen. looks like we need to clean.

top: papaya
vest: charlotte russe
jean skirt: target
I'm obsessed with flats. I hate wearing socks so I wear tennis shoes very seldom. I think flats bring just the right amount of femininity to any outfit. I find about 90% of my flats at charlotte russe. they're always a good price.

flats: charlotte russe
thanks for viewing! don't forget to join in!

annoyance of the day: feeling nauseous

more importantly, feeling nauseous early in the morning when I have to drive to work. it's bad enough, body, that I need to get as much sleep as possible to be alert and capable of driving both in the morning and (now) in the afternoon. but do you seriously have to make me nauseous so early in the day? it makes it really difficult to drive when you feel like you're going to vomit. it is also unsafe since there aren't very many pullout spaces for me to throw up. it is also the only time embarrassing and inconvenient to throw up in the morning while I'm out in the field. yesterday was the second time I've thrown up at work. and of course my coworkers aren't the kind to be sympathetic for more than 24 hours and therefore torture ensues for the rest of my life. ("do we need to fill out a spill report? you know, for your throw up.") and again today I feel nauseous. it's hard to get any work done when you feel like you're going to puke. near impossible. I feel even more useless here at work than I did before. (is that even possible?)

and it's not completely your fault, body. a lot of the blame goes to our dear friend, the pill. damn you pill. you're really fucking with my hormones. and body is not a fan of you either, obviously. one would think I was pregnant. I would imagine the feeling is much like morning sickness. and therefore is another reason why I don't want babies. I mean if my body can't handle the hormone changes from the pill, how the hell is it going to handle the hormone changes of having a baby growing inside of me?!

this is my third month on the pill. I figured it'd be like this for a couple of months. but a couple is two. and I'm at three. therefore, my body should be getting used to it, right? maybe it hasn't been enough time. we'll see if I get better by month five.

until then, damn you pill. damn you to hell.



fyi: SFW = summer fashion week! I'm so excited. not just because I missed spring fashion week and get to participate this time, but also because chris has agreed to be my photographer. woohoo! glad he didn't think I was (am) super lame. my postings will be later in the day since I work all day and my work fashion is lame/boring. maybe I'll show it one of these days. but for now, I get to dress up in the evening for no occasion and for no one's eyes but yours. and for that, I am grateful. I get to feel (and look) like a girl again. the one thing I miss from being in school: getting to dress up every day.

here's my monday evening fashion!

first of all, I just recently cut my hair waaay short. so I hope you like it. and I hope it doesn't make me look like a boy. some alternative views.

top: not completely certain
either papaya or charlotte russe
belt: target
shorts: wet seal
flip flops: charlotte russe

 this is my "cool" look.
kind of a fun little bonding moment with chris and I. gotta make sure he gets better close-ups next time. can't wait to pick out something for tomorrow. thanks for viewing!


being in a relationship shouldn't be this hard, right? I shouldn't feel drained. I shouldn't feel emotionally dead. no, I should be happy. I should be full of energy. but I'm not. each time I get to the point where I can't hold my frustrations or pain inside and I try to talk to chris, it gets harder and harder. I feel like I'm repeating myself. my issues/concerns/pain has been the same for the past three or four years. nothing has changed.

I still feel empty without having someone to talk to every day. sure I could call my mom. sure I could call tracy. but I want to feel that connection with my boyfriend - my fiancĂ©. I want to be able to tell the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with everything. I want to be able to confide in him my worries in life in general and I want to be able to believe he will help me deal with things. I want to deal with life together, not separately.

and gee, I don't remember the last time I felt special. scratch that, I do - when we got back together at the end of last year after shit went down with tj. even while I was with tj he was super nice and caring and even listened to my problems and tried to give advice. but now I don't feel like his girlfriend. we barely hold hands or even kiss. and forget about hugs. we don't cuddle on the couch and watch our favorite shows. in fact he tells me I'm hurting him when I lay on him. there's no intimacy between us anymore. none at all. how sad is that?

how can I plan a wedding with someone when I have such big doubts about us working? I asked chris last night if he was happy and he said he wish I wasn't bummed out all the time. and then I tried to explain to him (again) that I wouldn't be bummed out if (a) he talked to me about things and listened to me when I talked and (b) he made me feel special every once in a while. I told him that I get frustrated when I feel like I can't talk to him. so I get irritable. and then he doesn't want to be around me because I'm so irritable and therefore I get even more bitchy and/or depressed. it's a cycle. I can only go so far by myself in making myself happy in this relationship. I need his help. I need him to meet me halfway.

otherwise I don't know if I can do this...again...



I'm so done. just fed up. I don't know what I was every thinking. why do I feel so alone? why does it seem like I'm invisible? every thing I say is ignored. every time I get close I'm pushed away. what am I doing? why am I still trying? why do I think things will change? he has no desire to improve our relationship. he probably doesn't even think anything is wrong. everything is wrong. ok, maybe not everything. but a lot of things are wrong. we barely get along anymore. and I don't feel loved. isn't that the most important thing in a relationship? to feel loved?

I think what sucks the most is that deep down I know in my heart I'll never be happy with him. I know in my soul he is not the one meant for me. he can't be. because the one meant for me wouldn't let me feel the emptiness I seem to always feel. he wouldn't ignore everything I say - he would make compromises and discuss things with me. he would understand that the decisions and the actions he makes also affect me. he would let me cuddle up next to him on the couch while watching our favorite shows. and he would talk to me. about anything and everything. I just want to talk forever. share everything. but I can't. not with chris. he doesn't care. and he doesn't reciprocate the sharing. I know so little about him. even though I've known him for almost five years. pathetic. that's what it is.

but what can I do?


fashion friday v. 2

since summer has hit "the valley" hard already with highs around 115 degrees and lows around 102 degrees, this week's fashion friday is inspired by the summer itself! I love the bright colors of summer fashion and how it implies fun and being free.

brought to you by unique vintage
what I love about this swim suit is the hint of vintage while still being modern. I'm usually not a big polka dot fan, but the ruffle skirt and halter top looks super cute. if I am able to find one less than $135, it's totally going to be my next swim suit.

brought to you by unique vintage
I find large floral prints much more appealing than small floral prints. and the white and the bright pink of this number matches just screams summer to me. plus, a strapless with pockets? practical and sexy.

that's all the summer fashion I've got this week. I'll eventually get these to be more exciting.


the weight issue

a lot of circumstances have been reminding me of the infamous issue of body weight: summer and bikini season, my friend amanda's blog post, and work. I've tried to avoid talking about it just because it doesn't bother me. but lately it seems like everything's been making me more aware of my weight.

first of all, I've always been skinny (except my toddler years where I was a bit chubby - an adorable chubby). although I by no means suffered the kind of torment overweight individuals endure, being skinny is a different kind of insecurity. I've gone through my whole life with people grabbing my wrists to show how their fingers touch around my wrist since they're so skinny. I've had people dislike me or be mad at me because I'm thin. I'm constantly listening to people complain and wish they were skinny like me. I constantly have been told that I need to eat more even though, trust me, I eat. I can keep up with my brother on taco night (I still hold the record for 22 tacos when I was a kid - now we tie at 10 or 12). I eat a lot of junk and unhealthy food.

people think it's ok and acceptable to give you crap about being skinny because "being skinny is so much better than being fat." that's a load of crap. people can be insecure about how skinny they are just like they can be insecure about how overweight they are. I've been slightly insecure most of my life, not because I think I gain weight or think I'm "too fat" (although lately I have noticed a little bulge of a tummy) but because I feel like I'm too skinny. I hate people complaining to me about their weight and comparing me to them. I hate people telling me to eat or "put on some pounds." I hate when people grab my wrists. I hate how my bones stick out of every joint I have. I hate how I can't fill any type of clothing out because I have no hips or no boobs. there's a lot of things I don't like about being skinny. I'm skinny, but I'm by no means healthy. I wish I was healthier. that way I can be proud of my skinny-ness. but I'm not. I'm just skinny.

throughout high school, I learned to be content with my body and only feel insecure when the topic of weight came up. even though I don't fill clothes out very well, I never really had a problem going shopping. I don't stand in the mirror and become all depressed and vow not to eat fast food. I just find clothes that work with what I've got. I wasn't afraid to walk out in a bikini even though I'm not toned and fit or anything. I didn't have those kind of insecurities because I didn't think it was worth stressing over. if I wasn't happy with my body, I could do something about it (for the most part). sure I wish I was healthier, but I have plans to do something about that. it's a slow process. but I'm not going to curse the large bowl of taco salad I just ate. I tried to embrace my body. because there's way bigger things to stress about.

how I feel
at least that's how I used to be until recently. putting on my bikini scares the shit of me, because I have noticed this previously mentioned bulge. I feel like I look like I'm 3-4 months pregnant. kinda like how britney spears was post-breakdown. I don't feel pretty or sexy. I just feel blah. I feel like chris doesn't even want anything to do with me. and who can blame him? but at the same time, I'm not 100 pounds overweight. I'm barely 100 pounds! so I shouldn't have anything to complain about. it's just hard to work out and be active when you wake up at 4 every morning, drive an hour to work, work 8-9 hours, then drive another hour back home. I only have 2-4 hours at home. and that needs to include making and eating dinner, feeding the dogs, and showering. time goes fast.

but even though I feel like I'm gaining weight, I'm really not. I've been 102-105 for the past 5 years. I don't gain anything and I don't really lose anything either. and it sucks because I can't give blood. I've tried 2-3 times now and always get turned away because I don't weight over 110 lbs. I tried to put on more muscle to get myself up to 110 at the end of last year before a blood drive they had at sierrita, but then finals came up and threw everything I worked hard on out the window. here at miami, they're doing a blood drive today, and yesterday andrew (the sx maintenance supervisor, who plays the mean old man who gives everyone crap but he's actually a big softie) asked me if I was going to give blood today. I told him I couldn't because I didn't weigh enough. of course that sparked everyone to give me crap about how I need to eat more and yada yada yada which just brought up my old insecurities of wishing I was just a little bit fuller. I just got to keep reminding myself that I'm happy with my body and that if I'm not, to do something about it. I just wish I could be more like eva longoria.

how I want to feel
I'm slightly in love with her. she's short and petite yet has curves to flaunt. she seems real without trying too hard. if only god blessed me like he blessed her and so many other women.