believe in me

I haven't written in a while because life has given me a couple of challenges to overcome within the past few weeks. I won't go into details, but I've been forced to take a closer look at my values and morals and beliefs. I've had to chose when the right time to put my foot down is when it comes to what I believe in. And I've had to find the energy to move on.

We had a thief going through our offices. Someone who was stealing money. And we had an idea who it was. The supervisors and I got what most people would think is enough evidence against the individual and turned it into HR. Our HR reps then conducted an "investigation." It was at this time, that I realized for the first time in my life, that HR does not fight for their employees. Instead, they fight for the company.

I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, "well, yeah, duh." but I had more trust in the company that I worked for. And especially for the people that work down the hall from me. They didn't even bother fighting for us. They just gave in. Brought the thief back to work. No penalty. Nothing.

I was angry. I was upset. I was disgusted. How can I work for a company that feels comfortable bringing a thief back into the workforce? How can they think it's right to force everyone else to take extra precautions and lock up their lunches & offices because of one individual that we know is guilty of stealing? What kind of morals do these people have?

I had a lot of thinking to do during the past couple of weeks. A lot of deep thinking - the exhausting kind. The kind that drains you emotionly and tears you apart. I couldn't believe what was happening. I put trust in others and it comes back to bite me in the ass. What did I ever do wrong?

I found myself questioning my morals and values. I even contemplated quitting my job. I thought that maybe me quitting, or threatening to quit, would make them realize what they were doing was wrong. They were bringing back a thief. We had proof. I don't want to work for a company that doesn't fight for their employees.

If you watch the Glee Project like I do, then you should know this week Cameron (my fave!) didn't get kicked off, but rather chose to leave. WHY?! he was so talented and relatable and adorable! but he didn't feel like he could put his beliefs aside and act character that is "sexable." I'm sure there's other reasons, but this was the jist of the episode.

It got me thinking back to my situation though. Should I quit my job because they didn't have the same beliefs I did? I asked myself, if I were Cameron would I have quit because I was told to kiss someone? and I was easily able to answer no. Because a job is a job. you do it to make a living. As long as I stuck to my beliefs and knew what my morals were, I would be ok acting a character who may not have the same beliefs. Because that's the job.

So did I quit? No. Because I know that all the supervisors here and the rest of the crew out on the floor, back me up. They are just as angry as I am. It doesn't make sense why our own HR reps would do what they're doing (I could understand corporate, but our own people?) but I've had to accept the fact that HR only looks at the costs to the company. I know what my beliefs and morals are. And I know that the actual human beings that I work with on a daily basis have the same morals as I do.

birthday cards and broken hearts

what happened to birthday cards that made your day? the cards where it would say something funny or cheesy and then the person would write a sweet or thoughtful message inside. and getting cards from all your family and friends. what happened to those birthdays?

debi (the admin clerk at the SX plant) got me a card and had everyone at work sign it and gave it to me today (even though my birthday was saturday - no biggie). I waited until I got back to my office - and I'm glad I did, because when I read it, I got tears in my eyes. not because anyone wrote something that touched my heart. but because no one really wrote anything. only two people wrote more than three words. here's my card breakdown: 14 out of the 19 people who signed my card just wrote "happy birthday [insert name here]." three people didn't even do that much and just wrote their names (including my boss!). now I know I'm new and I know not very many people know me that well, but I'd figure those who I do talk to on a daily basis would have a little bit more to say than just a "happy birthday." something like "happy birthday, hope you have a great day" or "best wishes on you birthday" or something - I don't care - just something more than two words!

I almost feel hurt and as if I'm not liked around the office. I mean, the people I work with can't take the time out of their day to write a little message for my birthday. especially if they know they had a sub-par birthday. I feel like I don't have a personal relationship with anyone I work with because they can't take the time to write something on my card. my relationships at work are strictly work and that makes me sad. every else that I've worked at (minus sierrita) I've had somewhat of a personal relationship with my coworkers. I would hang out with the other interns outside of work. and I remember for my birthday when I worked at asarco everyone signed my card and had something to say.

then I got to thinking. I got a total of 6 cards this year for my birthday. (not from my so-called "fiance" - but we'll save that for another post.) I remember being a kid and getting so many cards from everyone and getting to open them all and read the pre-written message and then get to read a personal message from the sender. you don't get that anymore. not because I'm older, but because technology's there. any kid today probably doesn't get cards very often. forget cards. they're almost obsolete. instead of getting a bunch of cards, I got a bunch of text messages and facebook posts. and they said the same thing! "happy birthday." (minus the few good friends I have that took the time to say something thoughtful.) I mean am I really that horrible and unlikeable of a person? or are you just lazy? I'd rather you not say "happy birthday" if you don't mean it and I feel that if you're just saying "happy birthday" with nothing else, then you really don't mean it. you're just trying to look like a nice person. a real friend would say something nice. and I feel hurt because after summer fashion week (hosted by emery at moms are for everyone!) I've really realized how much a simple little comment or compliment could really make someone's day. and I feel a quick message in a card can have the same effect. it really shows you care about them.

technology's really taken over our lives. it's really taken the personal-ness out of anything. it makes me sad.

where oh where is the rain?

I've been hearing a lot of people talking about how hot the weather is where they live. here, in the lovely and oh-so-exciting state of arizona, the highs are 110+ (this week we're blessed to possibly hit 115 degrees!). and our lows seem to stay in the 90s. there's been nights when it's still over 100 degrees outside. yes, it's a dry heat ("that's like saying, put me in a oven instead of the pot of boiling water") but I don't want it. I'm done with the heat.

all I know is I'm waiting for the monsoons to pay their visit. I've been looking forward to a good monsoon for what seems like forever! when I was a kid, I remember the monsoons being crazy - strong winds, a vast amount of lightning, and pouring rain. I feel like the monsoons just aren't the same anymore. it breaks my heart. it makes me wanna scream whhhyyy?! into the clouds. where is it? it's frustrating. it aches my heart. it makes me want to go crazy. especially when every time I've left work the past two weeks, this is what I'm driving away from:

monsoons getting ready to hit the town of globe/claypool/miami
*actual picture I took on the mine

and this is pretty much what I come home to (minus the greenery):

the superstition mountains, sunny and light cloud-age
*not an actual picture I took

and then I get all excited and wait for the storm near work to hit. (I work about 50 miles southeast of where I live, and usually that's the area the storms come from) but it never does. it's like the monsoon sees the little town of apache junction, and decides to take a detour (and who really blames it?). for two weeks this is how my evenings go. my evenings should be filled with:

I should be hiding from the sounds of the wind. I should be listening to "american pie" while watching the rain through the windows. I shouldn't be able to go swimming because the lightning's too close. and I should be laughing because the dogs are going crazy from the thunder (I don't even know if they would or not!) but no. instead I'm doing errands and swimming at my parents' house.

mr. monsoon, why are you so late this year? some of us are more than excited to see you (the amount of excitement nears that of christmas day). I'm aching for the smell of desert rain. I desire my nights of lightning watching and listening to the relaxing sounds of thunder. I could do without the wind, but if the wind is required in the package deal then I'll take it. just please visit soon. I miss you. sincerely, your biggest fan, alicia.

SFW.3

first of all, thanks to everyone for the such sweet comments. I wish everyone in the world could feel the warm and fuzzy feeling I get from your compliments. I'm going to do my part in sharing this feeling as much as I can but just smiling and giving compliments more. too bad I can't bottle up this feeling and pour it over everyone I walk by.

you've all inspired me. not only are your outfits amazing and effortless, but you share such positivity. it's funny how so many of you found an outfit I've always found boring, cute. I guess it's different since I seriously have to wear the same thing every day. just a different color polo and different jeans. so to me, it's boring. but you've helped me realize that it doesn't have to be.

so during my wonderful shopping trip with my dearest friend yesterday, I got tons of accessories to spruce up my everyday look. (as much as I could find that still followed our lame dress code.) so today, as I was wearing a grey polo, I added this cute silver headband. (a) forgive the bad photography. my photographer wasn't near and I was using my phone (camera's battery died). and (b) forgive the shitty makeup. stayed out too late last night to wash it off & woke up to late this morning to properly fix it sooo....   

silver braided headband: the icing
polo: aeropastale
jeans: walmart

here you can see the braided detail a little more.

I also got some adorable earrings to wear with my brighter colored polos. it's not much, but I feel it brings more personality to everyday boring work clothes.

this evening I'm headed over to my parents' house to go swimming and for homemade pizza. yum. and when the the highs are 114-116 degrees here and it's the dry heat so you don't feel like doing anything because it's just so dang hot, it's nice to live four miles away from your parents' who have a pool. so here's my pre-swimming look.

top: wet seal
boyfriend shorts: charlotte russe

ginger just got out the water and was shaking off. hence her crazy look and my awkward pose.

in my arms: pepper
by my feet: ginger

  details:

mini poinsettia hair clip: the icing

rose earrings: tillys

can't wait to see what you all wore today! and it's not too late to join in!

emptiness

I'm so done. just fed up. I don't know what I was every thinking. why do I feel so alone? why does it seem like I'm invisible? every thing I say is ignored. every time I get close I'm pushed away. what am I doing? why am I still trying? why do I think things will change? he has no desire to improve our relationship. he probably doesn't even think anything is wrong. everything is wrong. ok, maybe not everything. but a lot of things are wrong. we barely get along anymore. and I don't feel loved. isn't that the most important thing in a relationship? to feel loved?

I think what sucks the most is that deep down I know in my heart I'll never be happy with him. I know in my soul he is not the one meant for me. he can't be. because the one meant for me wouldn't let me feel the emptiness I seem to always feel. he wouldn't ignore everything I say - he would make compromises and discuss things with me. he would understand that the decisions and the actions he makes also affect me. he would let me cuddle up next to him on the couch while watching our favorite shows. and he would talk to me. about anything and everything. I just want to talk forever. share everything. but I can't. not with chris. he doesn't care. and he doesn't reciprocate the sharing. I know so little about him. even though I've known him for almost five years. pathetic. that's what it is.

but what can I do?

the weight issue

a lot of circumstances have been reminding me of the infamous issue of body weight: summer and bikini season, my friend amanda's blog post, and work. I've tried to avoid talking about it just because it doesn't bother me. but lately it seems like everything's been making me more aware of my weight.

first of all, I've always been skinny (except my toddler years where I was a bit chubby - an adorable chubby). although I by no means suffered the kind of torment overweight individuals endure, being skinny is a different kind of insecurity. I've gone through my whole life with people grabbing my wrists to show how their fingers touch around my wrist since they're so skinny. I've had people dislike me or be mad at me because I'm thin. I'm constantly listening to people complain and wish they were skinny like me. I constantly have been told that I need to eat more even though, trust me, I eat. I can keep up with my brother on taco night (I still hold the record for 22 tacos when I was a kid - now we tie at 10 or 12). I eat a lot of junk and unhealthy food.

people think it's ok and acceptable to give you crap about being skinny because "being skinny is so much better than being fat." that's a load of crap. people can be insecure about how skinny they are just like they can be insecure about how overweight they are. I've been slightly insecure most of my life, not because I think I gain weight or think I'm "too fat" (although lately I have noticed a little bulge of a tummy) but because I feel like I'm too skinny. I hate people complaining to me about their weight and comparing me to them. I hate people telling me to eat or "put on some pounds." I hate when people grab my wrists. I hate how my bones stick out of every joint I have. I hate how I can't fill any type of clothing out because I have no hips or no boobs. there's a lot of things I don't like about being skinny. I'm skinny, but I'm by no means healthy. I wish I was healthier. that way I can be proud of my skinny-ness. but I'm not. I'm just skinny.

throughout high school, I learned to be content with my body and only feel insecure when the topic of weight came up. even though I don't fill clothes out very well, I never really had a problem going shopping. I don't stand in the mirror and become all depressed and vow not to eat fast food. I just find clothes that work with what I've got. I wasn't afraid to walk out in a bikini even though I'm not toned and fit or anything. I didn't have those kind of insecurities because I didn't think it was worth stressing over. if I wasn't happy with my body, I could do something about it (for the most part). sure I wish I was healthier, but I have plans to do something about that. it's a slow process. but I'm not going to curse the large bowl of taco salad I just ate. I tried to embrace my body. because there's way bigger things to stress about.

how I feel

at least that's how I used to be until recently. putting on my bikini scares the shit of me, because I have noticed this previously mentioned bulge. I feel like I look like I'm 3-4 months pregnant. kinda like how britney spears was post-breakdown. I don't feel pretty or sexy. I just feel blah. I feel like chris doesn't even want anything to do with me. and who can blame him? but at the same time, I'm not 100 pounds overweight. I'm barely 100 pounds! so I shouldn't have anything to complain about. it's just hard to work out and be active when you wake up at 4 every morning, drive an hour to work, work 8-9 hours, then drive another hour back home. I only have 2-4 hours at home. and that needs to include making and eating dinner, feeding the dogs, and showering. time goes fast.

but even though I feel like I'm gaining weight, I'm really not. I've been 102-105 for the past 5 years. I don't gain anything and I don't really lose anything either. and it sucks because I can't give blood. I've tried 2-3 times now and always get turned away because I don't weight over 110 lbs. I tried to put on more muscle to get myself up to 110 at the end of last year before a blood drive they had at sierrita, but then finals came up and threw everything I worked hard on out the window. here at miami, they're doing a blood drive today, and yesterday andrew (the sx maintenance supervisor, who plays the mean old man who gives everyone crap but he's actually a big softie) asked me if I was going to give blood today. I told him I couldn't because I didn't weigh enough. of course that sparked everyone to give me crap about how I need to eat more and yada yada yada which just brought up my old insecurities of wishing I was just a little bit fuller. I just got to keep reminding myself that I'm happy with my body and that if I'm not, to do something about it. I just wish I could be more like eva longoria.

how I want to feel

I'm slightly in love with her. she's short and petite yet has curves to flaunt. she seems real without trying too hard. if only god blessed me like he blessed her and so many other women.

life is good

it's almost been a month, now, since we've moved into our first house. I can't say everything's been picture perfect though. I figured, since chris and I would be moving into our first house together, our bond would grow. it hasn't. yet. I feel he still rather do every thing around the house BUT spend time with me. but at the same time, I think I've just been extra moody lately. maybe it's the pill. it's messin' with my hormones and my emotions doesn't feel like putting up with the change. I feel bad because sometimes I think I'm just a nagging girlfriend which equals a shitty girlfriend. and I don't like the idea of being a crappy girlfriend. and it's not me to be so naggy. I don't want to be that person. I think I'm just gonna have to work extra hard to keep my temper behind closed doors and my emotions at bay.

on the other hand, I feel at home. it's weird being an owner of a house. there's so many things to do around the place it's exciting. picking the furniture for each room was awesome but now that's over. now I get the daunting task of unpacking and deciding where our old stuff fits in our new home. it's kind of tough. so far, I'd say everything's decorated in a classic, rich (not wealthy, but rich in color) kind of way. (pictures will come after saturday when our internet is finally installed.) and some of the stuff I own, I feel like it's too childish to fit in a "grown-up" home. but at the same time, I don't want to get rid of it. so I just haven't unpacked a lot yet.

my parent's came over last night & I made dinner. a delicious mexican lasagna (thanks jenna!). sure it took me like 3 hours to make, but we enjoyed ourselves. my parents drank some of their favorite wine in our new wine glasses while chris had some beer and we played euchre. it was good times. I like being a hostess. can't wait to do it some more.

it's definitely different adjusting to living in my own house with just the two of us + two dogs. but I think I'm getting there. some day I'll be a big girl. ha.



as for a pepper update: she's doing fantastic. her shit has solidified. we've been weening her back to her old fatty food. and she's just as spunky as ever. I'd say operation: get pepper healthy has been complete - at least after today. she'll finished her intestine meds, her antacid meds, and her antibiotics today and will only have her albon medicine which is to treat the coccidia. and she doesn't show any sign of weakness. she's a tough little cookie. and she's getting fatter. she was almost heavy when I put her in her crate this morning. life is good.

through the looking glass

looking in the mirror today at work, and I notice I look like a boy. crap. I'm wearing jeans, boots, and a medium shirt which is too big on me so I have to tuck it in. my hair is disarray because I've spent most of my morning on an audit outside in 100+ degree weather. so I look like a boy with shoulder-length hair. no curves = not much of a figure. my figure is straight. boyishly straight.

do they do curve enhancements somewhere? and no one say I need to eat more.

losing my religion

yesterday, I discussed my hopes for the well-being of my dear sick puppy, pepper. I said that even though I wasn't religious, I was praying she'd get better. and I claimed that if she were to get through this, I would greatly reconsider my religious beliefs. well, she's not 100% better yet, and I by no means want to jinx it, but things are looking good. she may have already beaten parvo and now just needs to beat this easily treatable disease. so chances are looking fantastic.

so does that mean I'll be going to church on sunday? am I going to convert myself and read the bible on a nightly basis? probably not. actually that's a no. I'm not saying I'm going against my word. I just think that religion and beliefs shouldn't be a do this do that sort of thing. if you believe, you believe. you follow the lessons and ideas of the religion but if you stray you're not going to be damned. if there is a god, I feel like he'd be happy and content if you just follow his lessons and whatnot. you shouldn't have to give up your life for him. you shouldn't have to feel like you're always walking on eggshells not to go against the bible.

or maybe my god is just more accepting of people. he understands everyone's human and is ok with that. as long as you aren't selfish and you are willing to help those in need, I think he'll be happy. just as long as you accept he exist and are willing to look to him for guidance. that's what I think at least. maybe I'm wrong. but I don't like being told what to believe and what will happen to me if I don't. I don't like how religion is shoved down my throat. I believe a lot of christian beliefs, but I also agree with buddist beliefs and some catholic ideas.

but I think the main jist of all religion is be good to life and others around you, and good things will happen to you. and when life throws serious shit your way, it's ok to look to an outside force or power for guidance.

maybe I won't go to church, but maybe this god fellow is the real deal. maybe he's there to help you grow and learn to be a decent human being. those who accept his challenges are successful in life and those who refuse his "help" aren't so lucky. life is tough. but the idea of him is that if you believe, you'll get through it.

tonight not again

I should not be feeling like this. I should not be thinking the things I have. I am ashamed. I am disgusted. Life isn't perfect, but there's nothing wrong with it either (for the most part, minus the sick puppy). I shouldn't be wondering. I shouldn't be hoping. I've been there. done that. and it just caused me more trouble. I've grown. so why do I feel like I'm back at square one? why do I feel like I've made no progress. why is it that the thoughts keep me up at night? they shouldn't be here.


maybe it's me. maybe I ask for it. I ask for trouble. and I get it. should I really be surprised?

you are not alone

today, in the middle of our morning meeting, calvin (the sx senior supervisor and an overall joyful individual) received a call from his wife informing him that her sister (his sister-in-law) has passed away. of course, we all felt sympathy as he immediately left, but I found myself near tears. I remember when we got the call that my tata passed. we were having our christmas dinner with my grandma and grandpa and my aunts, uncle, and cousins came from colorado and ohio (on my dad's side) that chrismas. we were all sitting outside around a canopy, it was night, and my mom was with my tata and her sisters taking care of him. my dad got the call and told us the news while were sitting in the circle. I immediately left to ball my eyes out, and reuben quickly followed (scotty, I believe, was with megan's parents'). not only was it the time that I lost my tata (rip), but it was also a time where I was surrounded by people that just didn't understand. sure they may have felt sympathy for me, but they had no clue the pain my brothers and I were suffering from. I remember having to leave during an important time to go to my mom, who was suffering the most. it was a time when the other side of my family was in town - the side that I hardly saw or spent time with. same with calvin - he had to leave during an important time - when he is a main resource for the ongoing shutdown (everyone went to him with questions).

other than the fact that I lost my tata, what hurt me the most was that their lives went on. they didn't have to mourn. they could continue enjoying the company and laugh and tell stories. they didn't have to feel the pain that would haunt them for years to come. to them, nothing even happened. they didn't understand the wonderful man my tata was. they didn't understand the inspiration and admiration I felt for him. they didn't understand the amazing individual that the world was now without. they just didn't understand. it wasn't their faults, of course. it's unfortunate that they never really knew the amazing talents and stories of my tata. but life went on for the rest of them, because it was christmas and their christmas shouldn't be put on hold due to someone they didn't even know.

and that's probably how calvin felt about his sister-in-law. because once everyone recovered from the shock of her death (it's a small town, so everyone knows each other), we went on with our lives. a five day shutdown was going on that needed everyone's complete attention and focus in order to get the job done safely and right. because for everyone else, the show must go on.


on another note: pepper's still doing well. the vet yesterday gave us permission to feed her up to 3/4 of a can of food a day. and the reason she's so skinny is because the food they gave us has no fat in it and therefore, she will not grow as long as she's being treated. good for me, since she'll basically stay a puppy longer, but sad for her since she's starving. but only a couple more weeks and she'll be back to her delicious, fattening food.

ginger also got a checkup and vaccinated. she's in good health other than her slight obesity problem. healthy puppies, here we come!

summer is in the air

I've always told people that 'fall' is my favorite time of year because of all the warm colors in the trees and the weather is near perfect and being able to wear cute scarves. but there's really not much of a 'fall' here in the lovely state of arizona. the trees don't really change orange and red - unless you're up north. the weather's been more hot than near perfect. and I can't really wear cute scarves to work.

and I've never been a fan of spring. until this year. this year we got a shitload of rain. and it made everything bloom. I've never seen so many different kinds of flowers in my life. and the drive to work was always green and beautiful. but I believe this year was just a fluke. so I can't really declare it my favorite time of year either.

and I hate the cold. absolutely hate it. it makes me sleepy and unproductive. and I'm such a wuss so I always have to layer on clothing in order to be somewhat warm. my layers start when it's like 60 out - that's how much of a wuss I am. during the winter, I seriously will wear 4-5 layers. not just shirts/sweaters, but I'll even double up on pants and socks. I just hate winter.

so that leaves summer. eeuuugggh. summer in arizona, I'm convinced, is almost like living on the sun itself. 110-120 degree weather? for real? sure it's not humid, but 110 degrees is 110 degrees. it's hot as hell. but yet, something about summer makes me happy. it's definitely not the weather. maybe it's because it's when you don't have school for 3 months. but I'm out of school now. no more 3 months of freedom/laziness. maybe it's the cute summery dresses and shorts and tank tops that come out during the summer. they definitely make me happy but only on weekends since that's the only time I don't have to follow a dress code.

the best part of summer is the pool. aaahhh the pool. as a kid, I loved the pool my parents had installed in our backyard. my brother and I would go swimming all the time. in high school I didn't go as much because I didn't want to get my hair wet or thought it was too cold. in college I simply wasn't close to home. so this is one of my first summers in a long time that I'm able to fully enjoy and take advantage of the pool. and we've been over to go swimming every day since my dad refilled/"remodeled" it. and this weekend I even tried getting the new pup used to the water (fyi: thinking of naming her pepper - she's spunky with a spicy attitude and has speckles all over her nose and mouth). ginger's also been able to work off some of those pounds she gained at chris's brother's the last 5 months. the water is perfect. and I've been able to spend some quality time with my family still. it's gonna be a great summer.

now I just need one of these and I'll be in complete bliss.

the young and old

I work at a mine - for those of you who don't know. not only is the mining industry predominated by men, but it is also flooded with the older folks. these are all those "baby boomers" from back in the day. the big issue in the industry is that these "baby boomers" are getting ready to retire and there is this enormous gap that exists. that gap is the space between the experienced and the non-experienced. those who have worked in the industry for decades and those who just graduated college.

I never thought it was that big of a deal until my time here. here I am, a 22 year old college graduate, in meetings with people who are twice - if not three times - my age. I am pretty confident that I'm the youngest salary paid employee here. you may think that it would be a big deal - older folks thinking I don't know anything (which I pretty much don't) and me possibly trying to push people around. but that's not the case at all. I'm embracing the immense amount of knowledge my coworkers have. and (I think) they appreciate my young and fresh personality. and hopefully they'll appreciate my fresh ideas whenever I come up with some.

although sometimes I feel slightly out of place at work, at the same time I feel right at home. I get along with everyone pretty well and I've started getting used to giving people shit since they've been dishing it to me for quite some time now. and I think people are starting to understand me a bit more. everyone knows I'm the big suns fan. they know that if they wanna talk basketball they can come to my office. and they know that if they need a candy fix to come to my office. it's kinda nice to have people visit you in your office. especially when it's the place you spend more of your time. there's a couple of guys that are in their 20's that I think I can call my friends considering they stop by my office multiple times a day to chat/eat candy. and I have nothing but respect for those guys since they're the ones doing the actual work. I work with the numbers. they create the numbers. they fix things. they are the ones who are making the copper.

so in an environment where things can be awkward and uncomfortable, it is a pleasure to go to work (for the most part). just because there may be a huge age gap between you and your coworkers doesn't mean there will always be tension. it doesn't mean it's impossible to get anything done. but I think it's important for those who are the youngest at work to appreciate their coworkers. they've been there probably before you've even been born. they may not know the technical details of the process, but they have such a vast amount of knowledge. I think it's common for college students just beginning their career to enter the workplace and dismiss their coworker's ideas because they don't have a degree. and I don't agree with that. I think we should go to them for ideas. we should take the opportunity to learn from these people. so what if they don't have a degree? they've been able to be successful and have a steady career for a reason. learn from them rather than push changes without their ideas and opinions. embrace the fact that you are surrounded by older folks. it's not so bad after all.

awesome: this article. finally some recognition.

lame: this article. really mr. obama? are you really already assuming the lakers & celtics are going to be in the finals before game 4 has even begun? disappointing. very disappointing.

the smoke monster

I was listening to the radio this morning and the trivia "for the tired and braindead" of the day was that it is 100% likely you will get a divorce if one of you do this. what is this? smoke. according to whatever study, it is 100% likely you'll get a divorce if one of you are smokers. I was actually a little surprised. I didn't think that if you smoke and your partner doesn't, you're relationship is likely to fail. I mean, if you love someone for who they are, aren't you accepting all their traits and habits? I can't see someone saying "stop smoking or we're getting a divorce." trust me, I am not a fan of smoking, but really? I know when I was "dating" TJ, who smokes - a lot - I tried my best to encourage him to quit. I didn't like or really approve of what he was doing to his health but (at the time) I liked him and that was enough for me to stay with him (again, at the time). I don't think I would have broken up with him solely due to the fact that he smokes.

but then again, would I be able to live with someone who smokes for the rest of my life? I'm not sure if I would be able to handle watching someone I love slowly kill themselves (and greatly harm those around them) for a quick selfish pleasure. especially when I've dealt with the consequences of smoking very closely. during high school, my best friend tracy's father was diagnosed with cancer which was caused by his habit of smoking. he passed away our junior (or was it senior?) year of high school and watching the devastation it brought her nearly killed me. my tata was also a victim of a lung disease from his smoking and I'm convinced that the weakening it caused is the main factor in his passing. so I probably would never marry someone who smoked in the first place. I would do what I could to get the person to stop before we were to even get married just because of my own personal beliefs against smoking. I guess I can see getting a divorce if the person refused to quit since you most likely would not be able to handle having to watch them die. plus the harm it brings to you and your kids? no thank you.

but I still can't believe it's such a huge cause in divorce. so I googled it. and sure enough there have been studies that show the likelihood of getting divorced if one is a smoker. the most recent study that I saw was one from last year by the Australian National University. It was mainly about how divorces are more likely for those who are opposites, but it did say that marriages where one smoked (and the other didn't) were 75-90% more likely to end than marriages where both are non-smokers. (maybe I misheard the percentage on the radio?)

ouch. another reason to be smoke-free.

keeping a marriage. that's my anti-drug.

puppyies of the day: 

I know I accepted not getting a beagle puppy a while ago, but look at those faces! my mom and I completely fell in love with these guys last night. I saw them again and my heart melted again. damn you chris.

karma

an old friend of mine posted on her facebook the other day "I don't believe in karma, bad things happen to good people and good things happened to bad people all the time." I've been thinking about it ever since. I did a little research into the topic. karma is simply the "law of moral causation" of buddhism (source). it's the cause and effect idea of life - just like from english class - the effect comes from the cause. from this website:


"We ourselves are responsible for our own happiness and misery. We create our own Heaven. We create our own Hell. We are the architects of our own fate."


we all inherit certain genes and characteristics from our parents and ancestors, but our own actions - past & present - are what determines our lives - whether we're successful or not, whether we're rich or poor, happy or miserable, healthy or sick, etc. we are not compelled to a certain destiny - we have the ability to react in order to divert our fate.

but what about when things are out of our control? how do we react when there's simply nothing we can do? how do we avoid bad things from happening to us when certain situations are in the hands of another? I know the saying, "you get what you deserve," but sometimes a lot of times I feel like that's just not true. I have been a decent human being. I was a good student all through school - never did drugs, never betrayed anyone, never misbehaved. I try my best to do good deeds everyday, take other people's feelings into consideration, help those in need when I can, not be a bitch. I don't consider myself arrogant, selfish, egotistical, or snobby. I feel like I'm a good person who does good things. so why am I going through this head/heartache with the house? what did I do to deserve the stress of possibly not getting this house we've fallen in love with over 5 months ago? why am I not able to move into my first home this week? I have been looking forward to this week for months and now things aren't happening.

I understand that things don't always go as planned, but if the idea of karma is true, why can't I move into this house? I've done everything right - got a realtor, signed a contract, submitted paperwork, been to the house every day to catch mistakes early - why am I still waiting? the waiting and the fact of not knowing the outcome is putting so much stress on me it's making it difficult to stay healthy. and I know my problem is insignificant compared to other people's issues, but it makes me wonder if karma is really an idea I should be believing. bad things do happen to good people and good things do happen to bad people all the time.

the last appraisal from our broker came in friday still significantly lower than the price they're asking. and the builder refused to negotiate. he wants to do another appraisal through the in-house broker to see if it will come in higher. so we have to wait again, 3-9 days, for another appraisal to come in. we're not moving in this week. but the new broker guy is so confident that this new appraisal will come in closer to be negotiable, that he paid for the fees (plus the rushing fee) himself. so we'll see. I just want it to come in sooner than later so we can just move in already! we stopped by yesterday and the house is like a day from being complete - I think when we stop by this afternoon it will be done. fixes have been made, our balconies have been finished, carpet's installed, railing has been stained, and appliances have been placed. they just need to do our front yard landscaping and then it's done. it sucks to know it's going to be done this week and we won't be able to move in.

everything was coming together - I just don't know why it seems to be all falling apart.




p/s: go suns.

all things considered...

so here I am, working on what seems to be a never-ending excel spreadsheet, trying to figure out how everything is calculated, listening to pandora on my phone (can't stream at work which is super lame), trying my best to stay awake after another late game night, when this song comes up: "all things considered" by yankee grey. my first instinct was to change it since the first five or so notes game the impression that it was a country song, but I was in the middle of typing something, so I couldn't. Instead I listened to it and found it ridiculously catchy. And for some reason it made me think of TJ.

since TJ & I have completely stopped talking, I catch myself thinking about the times we spent together and how much fun I had. I wonder if I was truly being selfish and not understanding l or if I was being a bitch or if I was at complete fault like he kept claiming or what. and then I wonder if I really am a drama queen as other people claim.

but after listening to this rather short tune, I've come to the conclusion that, all things considered, I'm doing just fine. I've got the love and support from my family and friends. I have a wonderful, caring, thoughtful fiancée. I'm about to move into a beautiful house. I have a challenging and exciting job career. I may not have the drama or the fun times that he brought me, but I'm pretty dang happy - consistently happy and rather stress free. I don't want drama. I like how everything's simple now. and even though it was a hellish and long nine or so months, where I am now is awesome and I like love that. it's nice not having to feel guilty every time I spend time with friends or family or wanna take a nap. life is good.


puppy of the day (until I get a new one):

10 week old mixed female. mainly crate trained!

awesome: the suns winning playoff games that are crucial to win and winning them by 20+ points.

lame: spreadsheets that refer to every other spreadsheet and workbook on site making me take hours just to find out where one single number came from.

commonalities

not only was my beloved puppy adopted this weekend, but Chris also gave me a big fat no. no puppies. (even though he's promised me one.) so I'm on the hunt for a the youngest dog I can get that is crate-trained since that's what we'll mainly have to rely on until it gets old enough to behave in our new home. I found a few, just gotta wait on the approval from the other. I'll keep you posted on operation: new puppy young, well trained, dog.

on a side note - I was talking with a coworker last week who has gotten divorced & has since remarried. since everyone around the offices know that I'm recently engaged, she gave me a bit of advice: you must have great communication & marry someone you have a lot in common with.

whooaaa. hold on there. what was that now? great communication and a lot in common. shit. looks like I'm on the road to divorce.

so I spend the next couple of days down in the dumps. I've always known that chris & I had beyond horrible communication skills - something I keep hoping we'll take time to get some help on - but I didn't think about stuff we have in common, or lack thereof. I started breaking down the facts - at least in my head. I just couldn't think of any one thing that we both have enjoy doing - that we both have a passion for.

we went to the boyce thompson arboretum this weekend & chris kept saying how this lady he knows got married there & how we should get married there. & I told him that I wouldn't want to get married there because, even though we both love nature & stuff, we're not nature/flower freaks & I'd feel like we'd be lying. & then I got to thinking about couples that have those kind of themed weddings that represent who they are as a couple & junk. like couples that love sailing/boating so they get married at sea. or couples that love nature & are hippie-like & get married at an arboretum. chris & I wouldn't be able to do that because we both don't have a passion for something.

I got even more depressed & down so I tried to talk to chris about it. well since we have shitty communication he got frustrated & upset & started acting like I was trying to pick a fight - which I wasn't - I was just trying to voice a genuine concern of mine - that we don't have anything in common & that we're gonna get bored with each other. we argued back & forth when I finally got up & went to my parents & simply asked: "what is the one thing you guys have in common that you both have a passion for?"

my mom looked at my dad with her famous disappointed face (implying that they don't really have one) & my dad flat out said that the don't really have one. but then he went on to say that what has made them work & what has made them get along all these years was that he lets her do her own thing & she lets him do his own thing. they let each other be independent. they still like doing things together, but there isn't one main thing they have in common that they both have a passion for.

ok. I'll buy it. but then I got to thinking even more (I must've done a lot of thinking this weekend - maybe that's why I have a headache this morning) - why do you have to have a lot in common with the person you spend your life with. yeah it's great to do the things you love with someone else, but wouldn't that make you sick of that person quicker? wouldn't it be best to have a few things in common & keep your independence? maybe that way you have time to miss the other - maybe it makes the time you do spend together more meaningful since you do stuff apart. I'm not saying couples that have a lot in common are going to fail, but I don't think it should be pounded in our heads that you need to have a lot in common with the person you're with.

chris & I may not have a lot in common, but the stuff we do binds us together. & we make compromises. I've always loved basketball, something chris never really used to pay attention to, & now we're half-season ticket holders & he's bought his own jersey to wear. I...well...I think chris has made more compromises to my likings than I have to his. I should change that. anyways, we love doing stuff together, but we also value the time we have apart. I think that keeps us sane. when I was with TJ & he wanted to do everything together & spend every moment I'm in town together, I was going crazy. I couldn't handle that. I think it just depends on the person. if you're the kind who needs space, you should be with someone who needs space. if you're one who loves company, then yeah, you should have a lot in common. but not me. I'm happy.

and then I fell in love

I was having a tough day at work and needed something to cheer me up. there's a couple of places I go to lift me up, but today I needed something that will  make my heart flutter. so I went to petfinder.com - one of my favorite sites to look at puppies. and then I saw her.

I've looked a lot of puppies but this girl just immediately drew me to her. she's so unique and beautiful. I love her white and brown color and the way it is on her body. I want her. bad. I'm just  a little hesitant to contact about adoption since our house isn't finished and won't be finished for another three weeks or so. and I don't know if they can exactly hold her until we can take her.

how can you say no to a face like this? although, I'm not sure what I'd call her yet. my ultimate goal in life is to have my pets named after elements off the periodic table. (my beta fish I got my freshman year, I named potassium - or K for short - RIP - finally passed away after four wonderful years.) so I'm thinking she looks like a magnesium - or maggie for short? or maybe calcium - cali for short? nickel (nicki)? beryllium (Be)? not sure yet. I still have to convince chris and the place to let us have her. 

love & basketball

if there's one thing that I'm passionate about (besides music) it's sports. I'm not going to say that I watch espn 24 hours a day or even much at all, but I do love sports. I'm also not going to say that I'm awesome at playing sports - I actually suck pretty bad (although I do enjoy trying to play) - so I just stick to watching them. the excitement, the adrenaline, the competition, the victories, the shouting, the foam fingers, the fans - I love it all. I especially love how it brings strangers together. it's one of the few times you can talk "crap" to someone you don't even know and not get beat up. it's also one of the few times you can hug a complete stranger and not get beat up.

my first sport of choice is basketball. I think it's the suns year this year - to take it all the way. their defense has improved significantly. their offense has remained superior. and their energy is powerful. it's a good feeling to be in an arena with thousands of other fans and hearing the roar we create. and they deserve it (the suns). they have worked hard being the team with the best rating since the all-star break. and I think with their improved defense and amazing support from the fans, we'll take home the championship this year.

damn do I get into basketball. chris and I just renewed our half-season tickets for the suns (squeeeaaal) and I'm beyond excited. I love watching it at home with my parents, but it's a complete different environment watching it live. when I'm there, I get to scream/yell as loud as my voice allows me. I get to jump up and down when stoudemire slams it in an opponents face. I get to see goran's beautiful face in person. I can yell and cuss the refs for ridiculous calls. I get to high five people next to me I barely know. every once in a blue moon, I get free stuff. :) and I get to meet and cheer with other season ticket holders. being a season ticket holder (even if it is just half-season) you really get to know the other season ticket holders around you. you learn who they are and what they do. and it's great because you already know you have something in common with them so getting along is easy. I feel like the people in the couple of rows around us are kinda like a family. and they just adopted us.

I'm proud to be a suns fan. I m orng. r u?

obsession

everyone has obsessions. it just depends how far they feel like taking them. I have quite a few when it comes to music. I will even go as far to say that music is one of my obsessions. I'm always listening to it. different things. almost everything from classic rock to modern day rock to soul to r&b to jazz. I loves it all. there's a few artists that I'm obsessed with as well - in other words, I can listen to them any time, multiple times, all the time. I never get sick of them.

michael bublé. if you haven't heard of him I'd say he's the modern day frank sinatra. beautiful all around. I'll tell you about how he is live after I see him tonight. yup - that's right. I am privileged to see him in concert tonight and I am BEYOND stoked. I owe chris's mom big time.

one republic. I learned about them when a friend of mine from my psychology class told me about their song "apologize." I listened to it once I got home and for the rest of that night. their debut album is amazing. it's one of those I will listen to for days on end. it's one of my favorites to listen to in the car, when I'm alone, so I can belt them out as loud as I can. it's definitely one of my favorites because I love every song and can listen to every song over and over again. their second album - also amazing (but there's one or two songs I can live without).

the white tie affair. one of my favorite albums to dance to in the car. they're one of those bands that make me a giddy "teen bop" since I melt at the sound of the lead singer's voice. 

kings of leon. but only their latest album. I've listened to (& own) their previous stuff, but it's a completely different sound. not bad exactly, but I'm obsessed with "only by the night." the songs are so sexy. they make me want to take off my clothes and dance on top of a bar. no I have not done it.

quietdrive. if you haven't heard them, you should check them out. great stuff. 

brownies. no they're not a band. their a food. duh. jack from across the hall (who has the rep of being the "grouchy old man" around the tankhouse) just gave me one and it is amazing and reminded me of how much I love brownies. especially the corners where they're nice and soft and gooey in the middle and have a crunch/hardness on the edge that gives it the perfect balance. but only the ones with nuts. no nuts, no fun.