I'm not afraid of anything, even time...

I know it's all new. I know it's all fresh. And I know that there's a lot of lust going on. But I also feel like there's this strong connection between us. And it seems like this unexpectedly strong connection has just recently taken us by a huge surprise. I think this strong connection hit us after this past weekend was over. We were both taken aback come Monday morning and starting thinking into the situation - waaay too much...

Speaking on my behalf, all the sudden, all these fears engulfed me. Fears that I shouldn't be concerned about. I suddenly became aware that I was probably just as scared as he was about being in a relationship. For the past four years I've dedicated my life and soul to one person. One person who couldn't appreciate the person I was or the things I did for him. One person who didn't find enjoyment in making others happy. And that same person broke promise after promise and continuoulsy built me up for disappointment. I got to the point where I just figured that that's how it is - that what I had was good and I was lucky - that what I had was true love and happiness. That is all I know. That is all I have to base relationships off of. In other words, I've kinda gotten accustomed to the idea that I always get the short end of the stick - I always give but never receive. I worked so hard at my past relationship and never got anything out of it. So many times I got my hopes up just to have them smashed into the ground. So my biggest fear was getting attached & getting my hopes up just to have them crushed again...

On his behalf (summing up what he told me) he's afraid of commitment. See, he had this girlfriend who he thought was his "first love," only problem was: she was a crazy meth addict. His "first love" consisted of constant fighting, bailing her out, physical abuse (from what I understand he only pushed her once - more like a nudge - she on the other hand threw things at him & "beat" him up several times), verbal abuse (the kind where you say extremely hurtful things just to piss the other off), and her drug problem. He made the commitment to someone & she let him down. So because of that, he's unsure of commitment. He tends to run away when things get serious and/or good ("it's the cowboy" in him) - something he says he can't control (a constant worry I've had with him in particular - but I'll get into that later). Because he doesn't want to let someone hurt him again. He takes control of the situation before the girl takes control over him. So his biggest fear is caring too much about someone that makes him vulnerable to get hurt...

And there we both were. Over the weekend I began to get attached and hopeful of where we were going (thinking about fishing/camping trips we'd take and such) and he was beginning to care about me (he said that when I hang out with guys, he gets jealous - not crazy jealous, but enough to somewhat bother him - something that showed him he was starting to care, because before he never gave a shit if his other girlfriends hung out with guys). And it scared the shit out of us.

And to quickly explain why his running away tendencies was something that always worried me about him - back in 2005 is when I first met TJ. He was filling in as manager at the Domino's Chris Henry & I worked at (Chris Henry was actually the one who "formally" introduced us). He thought I was cute so he asked me out. I thought he was cute, so I said yes. He took me out to Saguaro Lake to watch the sunset. I was young and naive. I fell in "puppy love." Things were good after that. We "worked" together a few times ("worked" as in making out behind the dough trays in the back or in the storage room or in the walk-in freezer) and I got attached. A week later, he said it's not gonna work. Then he never talked to me again - completely cut off all ties with me. I texted & he never texted back. Nothing. I was heartbroken. Did I mention I was young & naive? It's ridiculous to think about today how much I cried over that. And when I did think about it a while later, I realized it was the best decision - to end it - because he got transfered to a different store (on the other side of Phoenix) and I was getting ready to graduate high school & move to Tucson for school. But it woulda been nice to hear that from him. Or to hear anything from him. Some kind of explanation. What kills me the most is not knowing. So I never had any formal "closure" with him. And I thought about him often after that. But what could I do? He ran away. So when he told me that running away was a bad habit of his, it reaffirmed what I already knew.

And now back to our night of frustration and worries and concerns (through text messaging). After we both revealed our fears I started thinking about one thing he said: "I have a bad habit of running. I can't control it. It's the cowboy in me." Like I said - it reaffirmed what I already knew and it was all I could focus on. I started to get upset to the point where I just called it a night. Then the next day, something amazing happened - a miracle if you will. We talked about the previous night & cleared things up. He didn't mean to say that he's basically gonna run away from me again. He told me this time would be different. That he regreted doing it last time (although he wonders if we'd still be together and/or if we'd be the same people we are today). And that he had no intentions of leaving now. And that's basically what I learned. That he really likes me (score!). And that he thinks I'm awesome & that there's something "different" about me (that I'm not a meth addict? or clingy?). But he's just not ready to commit. He wants to be in a relationship with me, but wants to make sure we are ok seperately first & are able to get back on our feet. And I agree. I enjoy the time we spend together. It's amazing. And we both think it's just best to just take it one day at a time and see where that takes us. His biggest thing is "whatever happens will happen." And I'm ok with that.

But I think I'm slowly cracking him. Each day we talk I feel like we're closer & closer. He tells me places he wants to take me camping/fishing and even considered inviting me to Thanksgiving at his family's. And he says he's planning something awesome for my birthday (including dinner!). I'm looking forward to that.

So basically I'm closing my eyes and diving head first off the cliff. Hopefully I'll fall into clouds. But if not...well, I'll figure it out when I get there. But I'm not scared anymore. (Maybe just a little worried...) I have nothing to be scared of.


just what i needed

This weekend - was AH-MAZING. TJ - John helped me bring down my new bed and spent the night/day with me. We didn't really do anything exciting but just hung out. We did a lot of talking...rather he did a lot of talking. But I don't mind. It was super nice. It was awesome just being able to listen for once rather than doing all the talking (which was always the case with Chris). He told me so much about his childhood and the different places he grew up. He explained to me the shitty-ness of one of his ex-girlfriends - his first true "love" - and the craziness of their relationship. He talked about his brother & sister and how they got to the place they are now. He talked about a lot of things that I don't think he even expected to reveal to me already. And then I felt so bad because he even started crying a bit when he started talking about his dad and how he hasn't seen him since he was like 13. I'm not sure why he brought it up though if he was so emotional about it. I told him to stop wasting time and to just go see his dad. There's no reason why he shouldn't.

We also watched a movie (after realizing you can't use a phone number at Blockbuster) - got some lunch at Casa Molina - goofed around - and I even made him dinner. :-) I made him my family's famous tuna casarole - which he enjoyed as much as he could (he had an upset stomach from some Jack in the Box he ate the other night). But it was just nice hanging out with him. And amazing waking up next to him. :-)

We also discuss our "status". He told me he hated me for seeing him cry & that I was the second girl to see him cry - but the first to see him cry about something he cared about (I guess his ex would say nasty things to push his buttons). He also made it clear that he was scared because he knew he was caring about me. He said after his psycho ex - he just stopped giving a shit. & his more recent exes he just didn't give a shit about - to an extent of course - like he wouldn't care if they hung out with guys. But he said that with me, he does care and worries when I hang out with other guys. And he's not sure what that means. And I guess I also freaked him out/worried him Friday night because he texted me & I told him I was driving through Florence and he tried texting me but I didn't reply. So he called me to make sure I was still alive. Thing was I didn't get the messages until like half an hour or so later (phone issues). He says he's scared that he's gonna hurt me. Again, with his psycho ex, when they fought, they would say nasty, hurtful things, and he said that he doesn't want that to happen with me. And I told him, I wouldn't give him a reason to do that. I'm not crazy. I have a direction in my life I'm heading towards. I don't do meth (like his psycho ex). And I basically give my heart to the one I'm with. I do whatever it takes to make them happy.

So, it seemed like the day was filled with him fighting with himself about our "status". It seems like he wants to be in a relationship with me, but just too scared. Of what exactly, I don't know. But I can tell I'm getting to him. He tells me all the things he likes about me. Calls my eyes "fire eyes" (because they're yellow in the middle - the hottest part - & green around the edges - the coolest part). Likes that I'm a dork and thinks I'm cute. Tells me all these camping spots he wants to take me and tells me he wants to teach me hunting. And now, since I gave him such an awesome weekend, he's gonna plan something special for my birthday - including...drumroll...our first official date. :-) I'm so excited. If it's anything like our first first date (back in 2005ish) - it should be AH-MAZING. (First time we went out, he took me to Saguaro Lake to watch the sunset.) So we'll see where that goes.


what if I fall along the way, would you be there to ease the pain?

I'm not sure what I hate more. The fact that I come back to Tucson to emptiness. Or the fact that I leave everything I care about in AJ. Maybe it's just one of those days. The days when you feel like the whole world's against you. When you feel like God (or whatever ultimate power) is just throwing every challenge at you just to see if you can dodge every single one or if you'll crumble. My last few years have been insane and heart wrenching. Heartache after heartache, exhaustion after exhaustion, drama after drama - it seems like it's a never ending cycle of shittyness. And no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to pull myself out of this hole. It's like I see the sun shining through the water, but no matter how hard I swim, I just can't break the surface. And I sit here, on days like this, and wonder if I'll ever make it to the surface - if I'll ever be just happy, go-lucky, bubbly Alicia. I used to be such a positive person, before college. And now I sometimes barely recognize myself.

Breaking up with someone you care about and have cared about for nearly four years is not easy. I have gone through so much pain and heartbreak with Chris, but it's still not easy. And it's mainly because of his lack of a reaction. He seems fine - moving on so easily. No pain. No heartbreak. Nothing. Did I really invest four years of my life in him for nothing? Did I really put myself through so much pain and hell to make things work for nothing? Did he ever want it to work? Those are questions haunting me tonight. It's like he never appreciated anything I did. Like I wasn't some life-changing person. Like I was pretty much nothing. He doesn't seem like he's coping. Am I surprised - I mean, really? The main reason I broke up with him was because of his lack of emotion. But I just didn't think he would let me walk away so easily - not even try to fight for us. It just shows me how important our relationship was to him. And that's what hurts the most for me. Yes, I miss our future goals and hopes and yes I loved him. But I've spent so much time crying and hurting and suffering that I honestly just don't have any more tears to cry about him. But seeing him not shed a tear - that hurts. A lot. And I know he knows about TJ. And that doesn't really seem to bother him either. Nothing. I don't regret breaking up with him. Just seeing how much I mean to him makes me kind of regret not breaking up with him sooner.

I miss my tata. He was such an amazing individual. June marked 6 months since he left us.
And I was so scared of thinking about it and being around family, I sort of avoided my mom and hung out with friends all day. I felt bad and still do, but it doesn't change the fact that I still miss him. Every time I make a wish over the railroad tracks, I just wish he's eating lots of frijoles and tamales and is happy with nana in heaven. As each month goes by, I become more and more terrified. The year 2009 has been somewhat good to me. I have grown so much this year. I have improved myself in so many ways - just like my tata would have wanted. But I know that once November comes around it's all going to go out the window. All the traditions - gone. And I honestly don't know what to do. Who's going to say grace at Thanksgiving dinner? Who's gonna make beans for Tea & I Christmas morning? I can't go on. I'm not ready yet...

And to top it all off, with all this shittyness I'm feeling right now, I have no one to go to. I've spent the past two days decorating and organizing my own room. And now I'm sitting here, at my Ikea desk I put together all by myself, alone. I write this as Chris comes in to put a hand on my shoulder and dance on my bed...I guess some things will never change.


what it takes...

This past semester, in one of my ChEE classes, Blowers had us write down our goals. He wanted us to be detailed and realistic, but still high. I came across mine the other day and thought I'd share them.

  • get master's degree in metallurgy
  • have a winter or summer cabin (either in the mountains or by a lake, respectively)
  • buy my parents a new house
  • have a beagle puppy I can name Copper (Cu)
  • have multiple pets named after elements off the periodic table (like Molybedinum, or Moly for short, Titanium = Ty, Magnesium = Magie, Nitrogen = Nitro, and so on...)
  • have a high paying job that I love and enjoy near home
  • be able to travel when I retire (and some before I retire)
  • have a home where I have my own pond with ducks and fish
  • develop some new, crazy, efficient way of processing minerals
  • have amazinly smart & responsible kids (raise them like I was raised)
  • learn how to play the guitar, piano, drums, & cello - in no particular order
  • when my parents get older, I want to be able to care for them
  • take my kids on a train across some states
  • swim with dolphins
  • have a cd collection as big as my dad's - actually bigger
  • meet someone who doesn't mind spoiling me every once in a while
  • go see the Suns play live
  • be able to sit at home for a day and do nothing but play video games, watch tv, and sleep
  • make someone else's life better