get over it already

how did I get here? how in the world did I fall into this endless hole again? (you'd think I'd barricade it off after the last time I fell in it.) I don't want to be here - in this hole that is all too familiar. but it seems this hole is deeper. and it's getting harder for me to find my way out.

I'm broken. no, I feel shattered into a million pieces. I want to curl up in a corner and cry. I have crawled into a corner and cried. there's no reason for me to be so broken, so fragile. life is good. I have a good job. sure I dislike my boss and am frustrated with the way things are run, but frustrations will be at every job I have. that's just part of the job. I have a beautiful home, my home, that I get to reside with my puppies and boyfriend. I have a wonderful family who love me very much. I have a good relationship with all of my family. I have a good education. I have good friends. I have a great life.

so why am I so broken? why do I feel like there's no hope? I've been through these doubts. I've been through these pains. I thought I recovered from these doubts and pains. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel so broken. I want to live my life. I want to learn. I want to explore. but I can't. I can't get the motivation anymore. I can't get the heart to do anything.

I feel so alone. no one to talk to. no one to share my true emotions with. there's chris, ha. there's no point. he never listens. he doesn't care. there's my mom, but she has her own worries. her own pain. and there's tracy, who also has her own pain - dealing with a sick family member. how could I force my insignificant problems on her? who else? who else will listen? who else will understand? everyone's happy. everyone has their families. everyone has their married life with their wonderful husbands who supports them and stands by them 100%. who do I have? I haven't even talked to my fiance for the past two days.

I've spent so many years whining to people about my problems. no one wants to listen anymore. no one can help me. what can I do? I'm in this on my own. I have to find my way out. because no one can help me. no one wants to listen to me whine. I'm such a drama queen. such a baby. get over this alicia. wake up. there's no reason so cry to the point where you can't breathe. there's no reason to be depressed. get over it. grow up.