What If We Could

So today I had to drive Chris across town to see a neurologist. We had to miss out 9:30 class because it was the only time Chris could fit in his busy Tuesday schedule. It wasn't a big deal because I figured they would be able to help Chris in some way. So even though I was beyond tired I was up to it.

As I was waiting in the waiting room at the neurology clinic I saw a young man come out of the office. I overheard him tell his mother that they needed to make another appointment or something & I heard her say something about "if you didn't have that seizure..." I couldn't really make it out. But then I saw the mother break into tears. And I heard the son ask "what's wrong?" And then I heard the mother say that she didn't know how she was going to pay for this. And my heart broke. Here is a son who has some medical condition that he has no control over and here is a mother struggling to pay the bills for his treatment. Something's not right. It's not like the boy chose to have a seizure. So why do they have to suffer? And then I realized that that's probably not going to be me. I'm probably not going to have any problems paying medical bills if I need to. Because Chris & I will have very well paying jobs. And that's not fair either. And then I determined, right there in the waiting room, that I'm going to be generous with my money. I'm not going to be greedy like Chris. I'm going to share my wealth - whether it be a scholarship or just donating money for medical insurance or research. Just think of the difference we could make in someone's live? It's exciting.

Anyways, after over an hour of trying to not fall asleep, Chris came out. The news? Nothing. He didn't have anything to say. I was pretty annoyed since I woke up early & missed my class to take him to this doctor's appointment. And it seemed pretty useless and uninformative. Lame.

But I guess we'll see.


Can't take it

I think I really need to stop being so judgmental. I mean, I try not to be a hypocrite - I try to preach giving people a chance and sometimes I don't think I give people a fair trial.

But then at the same time I feel like I've given people the benefit of the doubt and they fail. I believe I'm a reasonable person. I'm aware that I don't know everyone's situation. But there's some things that even after being brought up, have not been adjusted. Some times people don't realize that they live with other people and that they have to respect not only their stuff but their privacy. It is not ok to decide to do a load of laundry at 11:30 at night when the washer & dryer are right next to someone's - who is trying to sleep - room. It is not ok to leave someone else's cutting board that is covered with the tomato juice, or meat juice, or fresh herbs, or whatever you cut on it, out on the counter or in the sink, uncleaned. Cutting boards are wood. Everything you cut on them soaks through and into the wood. The sooner you wash it, the easier it comes out. The later you wash it, the more likely the stuff you cut on it will stain the wood. It is not ok to empty the dishwasher at 8 in the morning when people are sleeping not more than 20 feet from the kitchen. It is not ok have your bass on yout stero turned up really loud late a night. It's not necessary to dry every load of laundry you do - big or small - on the "high heat, more dry" setting. It's a waste of energy and your stuff will get dry on just "high heat, regular dry." If it doesn't, then maybe try doing a smaller load. If it's really think stuff, like a quilt, then fine. But it's not. And it's not ok to "boil" water for 15+ minutes. It doesn't take 15 minutes for water to boil. If you're going to do something else & walk away then you're not really ready to make dinner. Another waste of energy. It's stuff like that, that I see as common sense, that other people just don't realize. And then I'll get the comeback that if they want to dry their clothing extra long on high heat then they can. No. You clearly don't get how things work in a shared household. Utilities are split up. Evenly. Utilities include gas. The washer & dryer & stove & oven all run on gas. Therefore if you chose to dry your clothing extra long when it doesn't need to be, then other people are paying for your gas that you're wasting. That's not fair. That's not cool. And some people just don't get it.

Now I know I need to cool down when it comes to people using my dishes. It's bound to happen. And I really don't mind if they use my dishes as long as they clean them out afterwards. I clean everyone else's dishes when I use them. It's not hard.

And when you do laundry, do laundry. Don't decide to do hours of errands once you start a load. It's ok to do something else in another room - every one does - no one stands in front of the dryer waiting for it to end. But be responsible and remember that you're doing laundry. If there's been several instances when people ask if you can move your stuff out of the dryer, then maybe set an alarm next time. Something to remind you. I'm tired of finishing people's laundry because they forget about it. And I shouldn't have to put my whole laundry on hold because someone forgets about it. I'm not saying they forgot for 10 minutes or even a couple of hours after it's been done. But several hours or even a day or two. And back to people who decide to start a load at 11:30 or so at night. You never finish it anyways so why not just wait until morning? Stop keeping me up because you think you're being productive or because you forgot to do it earlier.

That's when I try to understand people situation but I'm tired trying to defend people. You live in a house with roommates and you need to be responsible and restful and considerate. You just need to realize that and remember it.

I know Chris has talked to these people before and they refuse to take his suggestions into consideration. Or they feel like they have the right. Yes, you have the right by law, but since you live in a shared house, you should be considerate. It's just common sense. I think. If I didn't have a not so great past with some of the individuals, I would feel more comfortable letting them know some of these issues...

I think that sums up my frustrations pretty well. I don't hate these people. I don't think they're bad people. I just think sometimes I'm the only one in this house with common sense. And sometimes I just think people forget that they need to be considerate at all times.

I think I'm going to be relatively unhappy until my living situation changes. It's frustrating. I feel like no one respects me or my property. I feel like people are inconsiderate. And I feel like no one takes the time to really understand me. (How emo-ish of me to say, I know.) I'm a pretty awesome girl with a fun personality. Just ask any of my friends. But when you don't take the time to hang out with me or interact with me, I feel kind of insulted. You don't have to lock yourself in your room all day. You don't have to panic when your child wanders in the room where I'm watching TV. I'm not going to let him electrocute himself or anything.

I guess I thought - when the roommates were being decided & such - that we would all get along and hang out alot in the house and play board games and such. And I thought people would learn to trust me to play with their baby when they want some alone time. I understand. I play with baby Lorelai all the time. I guess I just thought we would be like a little dysfunctional family that did some stuff together. That's definitely not how it turned out at all...


meet me at the matinee

When I awoke this morning I checked my facebook to find a status update from an old friend from high school, Becky Miller (now -White), stating that she had an extra ticket to Franz Ferdinand in Tucson if anyone wanted to go. Well, by golly, I'm already in Tucson, I thought as I sent her a message letting her know. 6 or so hours later I'm meeting up with her, eating greasy pizza at Brooklyn Pizza on 4th, catching up on the past 4 years of our lives. Because I haven't seen or talk to her since we graduated high school. Four years ago. So needless to say, we had a lot to catch up about.

And it was amazing. I had so much fun and such a good time chatting with her. It was great. And some people would say how much has changed, but she hasn't changed one bit. Just grown older. And we agreed that's how it's supposed to be. People grow up. They don't change. Just become adults. And we also agreed that that's the problem with a lot of people we knew in high school - they changed rather than grew up. Such a pity.

Then we headed to the Rialto - had a couple of drinks. I learned that Ace Pear Cider is delicious. Had a couple of those. And we danced our asses off to an amazing show that Franz Ferdinand put on. It was so amazing. So much energy and lights. I loved every second of it. And of course, as an Alicia tradition, I met, took pictures, & had the lead singer sign my ticket. He's a pretty sexy scotish man, I must say.

So thank you Becky for giving me such a great and amazing experience that I loved so much.

I've had too much to drink...


Skeptics and True Believers

I did some more driving today. Basically because Chris made me. I think he's purposely finding places that he "needs" to go just to make me drive. That's ok, I'm secretly enjoying it.

We went and saw State of Play tonight. It was long. And I spent most of the time thinking about how cold my feet were and how I wish I had a thicker sweater. So overall it was eh. A lot of lies and skeptics and such. But I enjoyed getting out of the house with Chris. Then I come home to a new bowl filled with bacon grease. I was livid. Chris made bacon for me this morning & I used an old can (of beans or something) to drain the grease in. I then left the can on the stove so that whoever needs to drain their grease can use a disposable container. Well, that person decided to dispose of my container & fill a bowl. Now I was mainly livid because I believe the bowl was ours & I felt they were doing it to just fuck with me. Then Chris informed me that the bowl was theirs. Whoops. Then he told me about how one day Greg left a note on the white board on our fridge stating how annoyed he was that we were using his "favorite" bowls for the dog. Ginger's water dish, I learned, is not our bowl. It is one of theirs. Another whoops. My bad. So to avoid being hypocrite I washed out his bowl and replaced Ginger's water dish with one of my mom's tupperware containers. I don't believe I was a hypocrite earlier because I was unaware of my hypocrisy.

But regardless, you shouldn't drain bacon grease in dishes. That's still gross regardless of whose it is. And as for my snowman coffee mug - still filled with grease today. That is until Chris decided to clean it. That's a whole week of disgusting bacon grease thickening in my "favorite" coffee mug.


baby you can drive my car

So, since Chris experienced a seizure yesterday - & I don't know if the law mandates it or if it's just highly recommended - he isn't supposed to drive/operate a vehicle. As I mentioned earlier - I do not have my driver's license. Once this was brought to my attention, I immediately felt pressure to get my license or at least start driving. It sucks. I want to just be able to do it when I feel comfortable - when I'm ready. And I'll know when I'm ready.

For the past 21 years (up until like last month) I couldn't swallow a pill. Any pill. Not even a tiny itty bitty one. It was all in my head. Every time I put a pill in my mouth I would panic. I just couldn't swallow it. It was as if my brain didn't want me to take medications. So I gutted everything out. Every pain I experienced I dealt with since that was basically all I could do. If I got a cold - oh man. I would have to wait until I felt better. Because not only could I not take pills, but I also couldn't take liquid medicine. I always threw it back up. So colds were always the worst & I seem to have gotten them a lot. I didn't mind really. I didn't really see much of a need to take pills. And every time someone asked if I did any drugs & I'd say "no" & then they try to be a smart & give me the "you don't take aspirin?" comeback I would always win since I could still say no & not be lying. But then, about a month ago, I got out of the shower, realized my period started and decided that I didn't wanna feel like shit all day. So I thought to myself, it's no big deal, and I just popped two Midol in my mouth. And then I swallowed them. Of course, I was super excited. But the point is, I was ready. I was ready & knew I could do it.

That's the feeling I was waiting for when it came to driving. When I'm ready, I'll know, & I'll do it. But everyone's constantly pressuring me. My mom always thought it was silly that I couldn't drive. Chris constantly felt like he had to drive me every where - which I think is completely not true. Very seldom did I ask him to drive me somewhere. Most of the time he's driving somewhere he's going too. But other than the occassional reminder that I needed to drive, it didn't bother me. I rode my bike to school. I rode my bike to the store. And I had friends & Chris who were willing to let me tag along and what not. It never really was a big issue.

Then I got my internship for Freeport. It's south of Tucson. There's not vanpool like my previous internships, therefore I would have to find my own transportation. Then that occassional reminder became a constant reminder. It's stressful knowing I have to learn how to drive in a month...

Then Chris had his seizure.
And that constant reminder became a immediate chore. There goes my main source of transportation. Because he can't drive for like six months. Shittiness. It's even more stressful knowing I have to learn how to drive in like a weekend.

I mainly hate the thought of driving in Tucson. To me, Tucson traffic is always busy and scary. I never had a problem driving at home. But I've seen a lot of crazy things happen here. And I have a fear of driving in Tucson.

So we had to go to the store today & I needed to get a few more heavy things so I couldn't just ride my bike & stuff it in my backpack. I needed to drive. So after dinner, when traffic wasn't as horrible, I drove down to the Fry's not even a mile from our house. Not too bad. So then I agreed to take Chris to his brother's house to pick up his new commuter bike about 8 miles from our house. Not bad at all. It was actually kinda fun. As long as I have good music on that I can sing along to. So maybe driving in Tucson isn't that bad. As long as it's at night and there isn't much traffic. Regardless, it's a step. So maybe before you know it, I'll be driving during the day. Heck - maybe before you know it, I'll have my license.

In the words of Ray J - "maybe."


Wreck of the Day

So on Monday, I claimed I was having a horrible week - and it was only Monday. Now it's Wednesday & it's just gotten waay worst. This morning Chris left for his "field trip" at around 5:30am or so. At a little after 6am, I received a call from him. I was still sleeping & assumed he forgot something or something lame so when I answered I wasn't fully awake. From the first words, "Hello, Alicia?" I knew I wasn't speaking to Chris. I thought it was one of the other mining kids pulling a prank on me or something. Basically, I was extremely confused. As he was introducing himself I didn't really process what he was saying. I couldn't tell you his name or who he worked for or anything about the initial part of the conversation. But then the voice on the other end mentioned "Chris" and "seizure" and it clicked & I immediately jumped out of bed.

I've known Chris had epilepsy for quite some time but he hasn't had a seizure since long before I've been with him. (He claims like 5-7 years ago.) First I though he crashed while driving (he was designated as one of the drivers to drive the van - full of 10-11 other students - to the Phoenix airport) so it's safe to say I freaked out. The guy on the phone told me to meet him at UMC so I got dressed, brushed my teeth, and hopped on my bike & headed down towards where I thought UMC was. Halfway there I started to panic more as I realized that they're probably going to expect me to take him home with me. I felt like an idiot as I realized that there was no way I could take Chris home on my bike. (Ok, truth comes out now, I don't have my driver's license - I have my permit, but not my license. I just haven't felt comforable or confident about my abilities yet.) So I called Chris's mom. No answer. So I called Roy. No answer. Finally, Roy called me back & I told him what happened & that I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. He offered to meet me there. Then I got a hold of Chris's mom & she said she was on her way.

After wandering around the buildings for quite some time - trying to find where the ER is, or at least a sign for it - I checked in & was escorted to Chris's room. I entered the room to find Chris with a towel over his face, blood all over his clothes and in his hair and just everywhere. I said "Hi" let him know I was there now & just stood there. Then the doctor came in & for some reason I started getting really hot and sweaty. Then I became nauseous so I excused myself from the room. As I was walking out I began to get dizzy and I must've looked like hell because as I passed the front desk, the guy offered me a bucket. I was extremely close to vomitting - twice - but I managed to cool down. Nothing really triggered it - I'm not grossed out or afraid of blood & the doctor wasn't doing anything gross or scary - he was just asking basic questions. It was weird. His mom came up after I was cooled down and such so we continued to wait for them to take some x-rays, do some blood tests, and yada yada yada.

He bled a lot, but he fortunately didn't break anything. He cut his upper lip pretty bad and had to get a few stiches for that. His nose is pretty swollen and bruised. But he didn't break anything.

Like I said, I've know he's had epilepsy for a while. And I sometimes thought about it and always just hoped I wouldn't be there to witness it. But I thought as long as he was taking his medication he would be fine and seizure free. He's had little twitches before in the morning where his hand jerks & he often times drops a cup or bowl or whatever he's holding. But I thought that was the extent of his seizures. It's scary. To think he could have been behind the wheel. That it could happen again. That he could be driving with me in the car - or anyone for that matter. It's scary. And something we both have to live with.

I'm just going to thank God that it wasn't worse and just relax and take care of my baby right now.


Yes, I'm gonna be a star

If you are unaware, the above title is a lyric from The Beatles "Drive My Car." (& if you are one of those who are unaware, I am greatly disappointed.)

Today, we (my senior design group), had an interview with some TV channel about our solar heating project. It was ok. I doubt they'll use any of my footage just because I'm sure they have something better to use. They're not going to show it until like June or July so I'm sure I'll forget about it by then. But it was somewhat exciting. I did a lot of faking and pretending I was doing something important. But you never know - it may make me a star someday.

So my frustration of the day is the ability for the kitchen to get dirty so quickly. Some background: I live in a house with 4 other people, a baby, and a dog. It's a 4 bedroom house. There's Amanda & Greg (another engaged couple), Arica, & my Chris. Then there's the baby Jack (Amanda & Greg's) and our (Chris & mine) dog, Ginger. There's usually a lot of drama and sometimes I feel like we could have a very successful reality show. Anyways, after I finished with dinner last night (that was delicious & that I made) I cleaned up. Like any adult who lives in a shared home would. I wake up in the morning to dirty dishes and pans in the sink and on the counter. It's amazing - like magic even. They (now I'm speaking of Amanda & Greg) don't even rinse off their plates. It's always covered with food and/or some kind of sauce. (We don't have a garbage disposal here and so we have a rule to clean off plates & dishes in the trash - they refuse to do so & so our sinks are usually clogged with food.) To top it off, I find one of my favorite coffee mugs (that I sometimes drink coffee out of) that's shaped like the head of a snowman (another coffee mug is the body) filled with bacon grease. Gross. Absolutely gross. First of all, why don't you use one of your own coffee mugs rather than someone elses. And for that matter, why do you have to use a coffee mug at all? Why not use a used aluminum can, a pickle jar, or some other reausable, disposable type of container? And second of all, why don't you clean out the cup sometime? This isn't the first time they've used our (Chris & mine) coffee cups. & they leave them on the stove & add more for days and weeks until Chris &/or I get so disgusted that we go through the grueling process of cleaning it out. Dammit, if you're going to do something as messed up as dumping your used grease in someone else's coffee mugs - that they use - at least have the consideration to clean them! Maybe I'm over-reacting.

But most likely not. That's just wrong and absolutely disgusting.


start of a bad week and it's only Monday.

Blogging isn't exactly my thing. I don't read them and I certainly don't write them. But I have so many built up emotions and frustrations and feelings inside me I need some way of letting it out. An honestly, I get so frustrated with my handwriting sometimes that it prevents me from writing in a journal. So I'm leaving the old-school and going into the 21st century.

I need to be able to vent about things and people. Mainly people. People annoy me. Some people have no respect or consideration for others. My parents weren't always on my back about everything - they were pretty laid back and laxed - yet they still taught me to respect people.

But I don't really want to get into the lack of respect people have these days. My week has just begun and I feel like it already sucks. First, I realize I left my drivers license, school i.d., debit card, & credit card at home. My most important cards I leave at home. (Home = Apache Juncti
on) I got over it quickly since I had to get to class for my statics test. Now I'm not an expert in statics, but I did study over the weekend and felt pretty confident I would do ok. Boy was I wrong.

But that lovely experience was after a, what must be amazingly bored, cop got mad at me for taking a "long" left hand turn. Now usually I (on a bicycle) just go down Mabel and cross Euclid but sometimes I catch rush hour and Euclid is one of the hardest streets to cross during rush hour. Since I had an exam to go to, I decided to just go with the traffic in my bike lane and cross Speedway. Then make my way to the bike lane on Speedway to cross Euclid. Now I'm waiting - in the bike lane - for the light to turn green when a motorcycle cop - who was trying to catch speeders on the corner - got my attention to te
ll me that I have to walk my bike in the crosswalk. I politely told him that I was in the bike lane (knowing I don't have to walk my bike in the bike lane) and then he told me that if I want to make a left hand turn I have to go into the left lane and make it just like cars do. Ok. First of all traffic is bad and if I wanted to cross 2 lanes of traffic to get in the left hand turn lane I would have just cross Euclid at Mabel. Drivers aren't exactly willing to left bicyclists cross lanes of traffic or anything really so why would I risk my life to weave through busy traffic? I wouldn't think a police officer would encourage someone to dodge traffic to make a left hand turn. Plus, everything I was doing was completely legal. I was annoyed by just walked my bike (even though someone came up behind me riding their bike in the crosswalk) across Euclid. I had a test to get to. It's not a huge deal, but it was definitely annoying. I think he was just bored because no one was speeding (go figure - it's hard to speed in busy traffic).

Then I got to my test. It should have been simple since you have basically 3 equations to know but for some reason I got confused and spent forever trying to figure out what I was supposed to do first. I always have trouble with the first step. After the first step I'm fine, but understanding what I'm supposed to do is hard. I felt like an idiot, needlesstosay. And probably failed it pretty bad.

The rest of my day was mediocre. Went to the store. Did laundry. Tried to start my safety statement (again with no progress). Made dinner. Then I was reminded that my dear Chris was leaving Wednesday morning and returning Friday night. What sucks most is that we've been trying to eat healthy for the past couple of weeks and I even went & bought a cookbook and have been trying/cooking meals from it. I think I've been doing pretty good and I actually enjoy doing it. And sometimes Chris & I will make something together - it's really kinda brought us just a tad bit closer. I also planned out dinners for the rest of the week - just to find out that I'd be eating them alone. Plus it wouldn't be such a big deal that he's leaving if I knew he would call me while he was gone. Whenever we're apart (i.e. when I'm home for a weekend) he never calls an
d I'm left wondering why. Sure, you may think Well, why don't you call him? and sometimes I do - but I usually get his voicemail because he's either on a bike ride with his dad or out with his friends (depending on the time of day). The fact that he only goes out to the bars and stuff when I leave cause some suspicion to begin with, but when I don't hear from him for multiple days it just causes worry and concern. I do worry alot. But I have this idea that people in love call each other just to say "hi" or "goodnight". Not Chris though. When I brought this up over the weekend he thought I cared what he was doing and that I wanted to keep tabs on him. Yeah, no. I'm ok with him going out with his friends. (As long as he takes me out every now & then.) And I don't need to know ever little detail (but if it's kinda exciting I would think you would like to tell me - like seeing when I live in the movie Twilight or whatever). But I would like to know you're still alive and that you know I still exist. I don't even want a long conversation. Just a "goodnight". Especially if you call when you get back from going out (which I don't mind either).

Wow, that was a major tangent. Anyways, Chris is flying to Salt Lake, driving to Elko, and then some other stuff. (He's told me several times what his itinerary is but my brain must not care enough to store it in my memory.) It's a field trip for his class. How lame is that? Missing 3 days of school for a field trip to see mines. Open mines are all the same. You see one & you've pretty much seen them all. Underground mines might not all be exactly the same, but you get the idea after seeing one. So he's going to be gone 3 days - missing 3 days of school - to basically learn nothing. Lame. & If you don't go you have to write several papers. Even more lame. I'm glad I'm not a mining engineer. Sometimes...

So I guess my week isn't that bad, but it isn't the greatest either. It's mainly just starting out with many annoyances. I'm sure it can't get much worse.

We had a BBQ at my parents house yesterday for easter. Now prepare yourself for the most adorable baby girl:baby Lorelai. :-) Happy b-lated Easter.