it's just a matter of time...

As much as I want to discuss how I feel about some recent "drama" that has occurred, I will refrain. There is no need for me to get into it. I graduated high school four years ago. I have grown into an adult and have no need to "act out" like a child who doesn't get dessert after dinner ("how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!"). That's all I have to say about that. Even though I'm a bit annoyed about what I've heard - I'm not getting myself involved because it has nothing to do with me.

As for my weekend - another great weekend back in my hometown. Delicious homemade dinners. Lunch with old friends. Puzzles with mom. And some quality time with TJ. All equate to a wonderful weekend. And I also finally got to learn a little bit about TJ. He sure is a talker. It's nice to just listen.

As for TJ & I. I keep telling myself I don't want a relationship right now, and part of me agrees with that. The other part is reminding me how much I like him. But according to him: he "digs" me & I "dig" him and he's not "banging" any other chick and we're "basically" dating - in his book - and I'm "practically" his "woman" but we're not in a relationship. ??? Oook. I get it. But then I don't. Am I supposed to be commited - not date any one else? I disagree with his way of thinking this time. He says he needs to be on his own to "get his shit together" but I think if you have the right person (*ahem*me*cough*) you can not only reach your goals, but you can even surpass them. The wrong person (*cough*his ex*cough) will bring you down because you have to spend all your time and energy trying to make someone miserable happy. And that's not right. But if you have a reasonably strong person, someone who can take care of herself and can spend the night alone every now & then, someone that is ok with your camping trips with just the boys - she can help you. She can be the encouragement and motivation that you need. I don't think you should push yourself away from someone you clearly like & are into & have some kind of bond with because you are scared or something. If you like someone, why beat around the bush? Why wait until "it's meant to be" or whatever. Life's too short to just sit around and wait.

But then again, part of me is like - this is nice. We're getting to know each other. We're building a stronger bond. And what's the rush? I'm young. It's not like I'm turning 50 tomorrow and have never been married. There's no need to rush something like this. We're just chillen. Having fun. We don't need to label anything. We don't need to "declare" that we like each other. We already know that. And it's not like because we're not in a relationship we're not seeing each other or missing out on anything.

I guess there's no responsibilities with what we "have" right now. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. And I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it yet (clearly) but I do know I'm just gonna try to do my best at going with the flow. If I don't think about it as much, maybe things will just fall together. It's weird though. It's like we're complete opposites with so much in common. If that makes any sense at all. I'll try: he's a "cowboy", wears cowboy boots & tight jeans & listens to country - I'm ....I don't know a label for me, but I wear skinny jeans & flats & listen to rock. But at the same time, we both love fishing and camping and the outdoors. And stuff like that. Got it now? Good.


feelin' satisfied...

I know I haven't technically been single for long, and I know it's really not a good idea to just jump into another relationship, but it's hard when I spend time with TJ. I wouldn't exactly say TJ & I have a long history or anything - we've just known each other for a while - and just have been talking again for about a year. But there's just something about him. I really don't know what yet, but there is. He's sweet and thoughtful and caring and someone I can talk to. Being able to talk about our goals and hopes and just lives in general with some is very important to me and something that Chris & mine's relationship lacked. I think that's what ultimately led to the demise of our relationship. So it's nice to listen every once in a while. It's nice to hear someone else's lifelong goal and their path to getting there. It's nice to hear about someone's childhood and how they were raised and how that made them who they are today. I know I'm a big talker and I love talking but it's just nice to listen sometimes. And I wish I got to listen more with Chris.

Spending time with TJ I get those butterflies in my stomach and I really don't know why. He's not my "typical type". He's a "cowboy" - wears the cowboy hat and boots and listens to country (ew). He hunts & fishes & camps - although I don't mind the camping and fishing part since that's something I love too. But I listen to him and I see his ambitions and I see his motivation and desire and I just find that so attractive. It just makes me want to get to know him more and just curl up in his chair and listen to his life. Haha.

But then also part of me feels bad. Then again, another part of me doesn't because it doesn't seem like this breakup is putting too much pain or heartache on Chris. He seems to be taking it rather well & already going out and meeting new people. So maybe hanging out with another guy is not a horrible thing...


this is outof control...

I've been reading this book for the past three years, Eat, Pray, Love (by Elizabeth Gilbert), because it's seems that every time I want to read for my own enjoyment, I have other shit to do (i.e. homework). I read this paragraph the other day and felt it suited my situation and belief well.

"He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this go...[his] purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that [relationship] that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a bit, show you your obstacles and addiction, break your heart open so a new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it."

It's true. I've always believed that you can only have one "true love" - the person you spend the rest of your life with. Other "loves" are not really loves but actually just lessons and guiders to help you along the path you want to go. They may be important people and they may stay in your life for a long time (even forever) but they are not the person you are supposed to spend your life with - that is reserved for your true love.

This book is very enlightening (when I get around to reading it) and I highly recommend it.


all my single ladies...

I've recently wrote about how great my life is becoming now that I'm becoming more independent and comfortable with who I am. I feel like I've grown so much in just this last month. I am now aware of who I am and what I want. And sometimes, I do deserve better. The past four years of my life have been quite a rollercoaster. And in the jumble of it all, I started to lose myself and who I was and what I lived for. My dreams and hopes were pushed away as I focused all my energy in being a great girlfriend. At the time, I didn't mind. But now, I have grown. And I expected others to grow with me. Unfortunately, they didn't.

So instead of continuing to hold myself back, I've decided to continue growing. That's what my tata believed in. He believed in always improving yourself. Once he mastered cooking, he learned how to paint. Once he mastered painting, he learned how to craft anything with wood. That's how he lived. He was always learning and improving and increasing his skills and talents. And I want to follow his beliefs and not let him down. I want to honor him by living my life like he did.

So instead of being unhappy for yet another year, I've done something I never thought I had the strength to do. And now I feel weird. I'm not sure what to do next. But I do know that I will be ok. And that I will continue to grow. And even though I'm terrified, I'm happy with where I am right now. My life. Is good.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
--Henry David Thoreau