because when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.

It's been quite a while since I've written - not that I didn't have anything to write about - but mainly because my life became so complicated and hectic it's taken me a while to sort everything out. I've spent the past couple of months growing up and falling down (again) - trying to remember what I want in life.  I don't have everything figured out anymore and it seems like everything I once knew has gotten lost in the wind.  I've been having a lot of "What the fuck?!" feelings lately and it sucks.  Life was so good in July.  What happened?  Well here's a start:

TJ (John) & I broke up.  It was my decision that came after four to five weeks of continuous fighting.  I was nothing but honest & straightforward with him.  But that was never enough.  And his constant doubt and feeling that I wasn't being truthful pushed me away and forced me to become someone that wasn't me.  I won't go into details about our ridiculous and often pointless fights, but it was nonstop.  There were things he couldn't move past (like the fact that my best friends were Chris & Roy) & things I wasn't willing to compromise about (like not being friends with Chris & Roy).  Near the end, I saw a violent side of him (no he wasn't violent towards me, just the wall) & then saw a clingy, obsessive side as he would call 5-10 times a day and send probably around 50 texts a day to me.  I tried my best to help him understand how I felt and why I felt like things could never work but he refused to let go.  This behavior, I can also say, pushed me away even further.  But I think it's finally over now...five weeks later.  And even though I miss the amazing times we had, I'm glad.  I feel horrible for breaking his heart, but I think it was better of me to do it when I did rather than wait and make it worse.  I'm not sure if I did truly love him (how can someone love someone after only a couple of months?) but I did care about him - and still do.  But in order for him to move on, I have to cut my ties with him, unfortunately.  I can't say it isn't hard.  I still find myself thinking about what I had and how happy I was.  But then I remember how I felt those five weeks and am confident in my decision.

That's all I have the energy to write about for now.


smile like you mean it.

Reality sucks. It really does. I don't know a reality, that once it slaps you in the face, you feel good and are excited for what's to come. No. When reality slaps you in the face you're usually hit with disappointment, disgust, heartache, depression, or some other negative emotion.

And as I sit here, at my desk, wiping tears from my face, and think about my past year - just a year - I've realized that I've been hit with a lot of realities. And each one has brought on one of those emotions. Each one caused me great pain. Each one brought out a flood of tears. Each one sucked.

Like the reality that I'm going to graduate college in December and be thrown out into the real world. I can't continue to sleep in until 10am nor will I just be able to wake up whenever I darn well please. I will no longer be able to stay out or up until the wee hours of the morning hanging out with friends or just watching reality shows on Vh1. I was hit with this reality over the summer - when I had to wake up at 5:30 every morning, drive to work, work 8-10 hours, and return home around 5 in the evening. And once I got home, I was too tired to really do anything else except eat dinner and go to bed and prepare for the next day of repeating the same procedure. Every day - five days a week. I remember one day, it hitting me, that this is going to be the rest of my life. But it's not going to end in three months. It will seriously be the rest of my life. No break. Just work, eat, sleep. That will be my life. I will be an adult. I will be 22 and an adult. What? 22 is young. I should be out partying it up at the clubs or going camping with friends at 22. Not working every day of my life. I will now have to apply everything I've worked so hard at for the past four years and I will be expected to know it.

Or the reality that we will never have another Christmas breakfast with tamales and beans at tata's. Nor will I hear about how I'm not tearing up the bread crumbs small enough for the stuffing. This amazing and joyful person I've known my whole life and frequently visited on Sundays is no longer here. This amazing and strong person I've known fell weak and gave up. This amazing and entertaining person I've known will no longer smile and laugh with us. As the holidays get closer, and everyone else anticipates the joyous times and what they're going to get for Christmas, me and the rest of my family are going to have to face the reality that the one who we centered our lives around is no longer there. And every time I think about it, I panic. Who's going to say grace? Who's going to make Christmas breakfast? Who's going to make the tamale meat? How can our family survive and have a happy gathering without him?

Or how about the reality that I will no longer be with the person I saw myself marrying two years ago. That all the dreams and hopes we made together are now thrown out the window. That we're not going to take that honeymoon to Italy and Thailand. That we're not going to have this huge, luxurious, home on the side of mountain. We're not going to have this happy life that we thought we could have together. I'm not going to get my dream wedding. I've given back my dream wedding ring. I remember when I realized that we are just simply not meant for each other and no matter how hard I try, we're never going to be truly happy with each other. There's no way. I wanted more. I needed more. And he...well...he's just him - not a bad guy - just not my guy. I guess. Realizing that the past four years you spend with someone is gone and over with sucks. Realizing that you can't fix something - that you've done all that you can do to make it work - is hard. It's not fair. It's not cool. It just sucks.

And my latest reality: that I can't be in a relationship with this new, great, amazing guy while still maintain my close friendship with my ex and best friend when they hate each other. (Note: Chris doesn't hate Roy.) It's impossible to make everyone happy. Because I want to spend time with my new man, yet still hang out with my friends. Only problem is that every one's only free on weekends. And they're about 100 miles apart. And again, they hate each other. So I guess there's more than one problem. It's a slew of problems. I don't want to ditch my friends, but I also like spending time with John. So it's either stay in Tucson and hang out with my friends & not see my man for more than a week. Or go back home and see my man and lose my friends. No other options - I can't have both. Why? Because it's reality. It sucks.


Why don't you come right out and say it, even if the words are gonna hurt, we're better off this way

Before I start, I must say, this whole having Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays off things is going to make me broke unless I get a job, and I mean soon. Because I have to pass my time some how, and now that I have my own car, I have the power and freedom to go anywhere - including the mall. So I really hope I hear back from Freeport about me worknig part-time this semester so that I can fill my days off with something other than spending money. And then when I make money, I won't feel guilty when I buy adorable shoes like these. :-) I was planning on going to Forever 21 to spend a quite a bit of money but once I got there I remembered how hard it is for me to find anything worth buying. They have some cute things, but for me I either don't like the color, or the cut, or the style all together. I did find an adorable plum colored dress that I ended up buying - but didn't spend nearly as much as I expected. And since I just went shopping with Tracy last weekend and I already pretty much hit all the other stores in Mesa so didn't really find anything there either. I stopped at Aldo to check their sale shoes and found some adorable pewter/silver flats that were on sale and asked to try them on. The sales lady also kindly brought out another pair she "thought I might like." And like them I did. So even though they were twice the amount of the pair I originally asked for, I decided to splurge a little for them, because they were just so dang cute!

Moving on. I love being happy. Really. It's a pretty awesome feeling to go to bed in a good mood and wake up in a good mood. I don't think I've been this happy consistently in a looong time. But admist of all the happiness, an issue has surfaced between John (formally known as TJ) and I. A pretty big issue. An issue of jealousy. It's nice to know he cares enough to be concerned, but I'm starting to think it's going to get super annoying super quick. Not to mention I fear having to choose. He doesn't like Chris. Understandable - kinda. I mean, yes, he's my ex. Yes, I was engaged to him. And yes, I still live with him. But that's over. I've moved on. He's moved on (I think). He's a really good friend of mine because he's been there for me to help me get through a lot of shit. I can't just cut him out of my life. He still helps me through a lot of shit. And I enjoy his company. What's wrong with that? If there's nothing between us anymore, why can't we just be friends?

And he doesn't like Roy. Not so understandable. They've never met. But I did tell him that he used to have a crush on me. But come on - he's never acted upon it or tried to take advantage of me or anything. And he respects me and the person I'm with. And I told him that I wasn't interested. We're just friends. We've had classes together for the past three years. He's my best Tucson friend and nothing more.

I don't know why he can't trust me. I've never given him a reason to not. And Roy and Chris haven't done anything to him to make him so hateful towards them. He gives me shit saying I don't understand that he's been seriously burned in the past. Oh, I understand. But I can't change the past. I'm not his ex. I'm just not that kind of person. And I don't hang out with shitty, no-good people. They're good, respectable people. Otherwise I wouldn't associate myself with them. I dunno. I just hope we can talk about it this weekend and get past it.

Why can't we just all get along? I'm not going to stop hanging out with my friends because they're guys and my boyfriend doesn't like them. Sorry. They have to figure out a way to manage and be ok with each other. Chris, Roy, & I have been hanging out for about a year. We do lunches and dinners together. I don't like eating alone and they're the only friends I really have in Tucson. And we all get along. And we have fun together. We're like the three musketeers. You can't just break up the three musketeers. That's like illegal.


the wedding march

Marriage. Oh marriage. There's some people who don't believe in marriage thinking it's pointless to make things official. They're the ones who believe that just loving someone unconditionally is enough to prove you want to spend the rest of their life with you. And then there's people who believe in the thought of marriage and think they're ready. They're the ones who think that two or three months (or anything less than a year) is all it takes to know someone. They also get divorce two or three months later.

I'm neither of those types of people. I think marriage is the union between two people who can't live without each other and who can live in peace with each other. Because you can't just marry someone you can't imagine your life without - you also have to be sure you can stand them and all their tendencies and quirks. I think a lot of people forget that. They get all caught up in the idea and initial sparks that come from a new relationship. I know so many people who rush into marriage after a short period of time of "complete happiness." Sorry, that's not enough for me. I want complete shittiness with someone before I marry them. I want to go through hard times because if you can get through a downfall with someone and they stick with you through it - I think they're worth it. Because if you get married and then you realize that they're not going to be there for you through tough times or be there to work things out with you - then you're either unhappy for the rest of your life or you're a divorcee. In some ways, I'm glad the past year happened because it really showed me the kind of guy Chris is and that his dedication to me wasn't as strong as mine was for him.

With that being said, I wouldn't want someone to proposed to me until we've been together for at least 4 years. I think this is long enough to really get an idea of the type of person he is. And I think four years gives plenty of time for those shitty downs that will really test our relationship and love. I think after being engaged with someone and it not working out has really made me more cautious when it comes to rushing things. I want to make sure the person I marry is not going to be the same person I divorce. I want to be 100% confident that he'll be there when I need him most and that he'll be there to catch my back. I have to know that I can trust him with my heart and the rest of my life before I give it to him. And I really don't think it's possible to know that in less than 4 years.

I think it's safe to say that around 75% of my high school class has gotten married since we've graduated. That's a lot. Especially since we're 22-23 years young. Gosh, we are so young. Why rush into marriage? We have so much to live for. And I know a lot of those people are in love and will spend the rest of their lives with that person, but I also know a lot of those people probably shouldn't be married yet. You can't love someone if you don't love yourself. And you can't marry someone and if you can't take care of and live by yourself. I wish all my married friends and aquaintences the best of luck, but that's just not me. I don't want to rush into someone so important and life changing. I want to take my time and make sure I make the right decision. Because I don't believe in divorce.

Since I'm on the topic of marriage, every girl dreams of an extravagant wedding. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a big, glorious wedding with the princess gown and flowers and candles everywhere. But if I had the choice between an expensive, extravagant wedding and an expensive, extravagant ring - I'd chose the ring hands down. Your wedding day is just that - a day. You have to capture the moments with pictures and memories. The ring - that'll last forever. You will look down at your hand and see it every day of your life. I dream of the perfect ring - it has to be sparkly. Very sparkly. The size isn't really that important - as long as it's sparkly. And I want little diamonds surrounding it. I just want it to be gorgeous. I want everyone to be jealous and gasp when I show them. :-) I don't think it's spoiled of me to ask - I don't ask/want diamonds and jewelry every anniversary or occassion. I want thoughtful gifts for those. I just want the perfect ring.


if I can turn back time...

I saw The Time Traveler's Wife tonight. I adore Rachel McAdams and thought the previews portrayed this cute chick flick movie but boy was I wrong. I suppose it's not a bad movie, persay, but it's definitely not what I expected it to be. Anyways, it got me thinking. If I could go back in time, would I?

There's so many things I wished I could change about my past. Tell Coulter I had the hugest crush on him. Let Kassie know I didn't want her to leave and stop being my best friend. Not be such a wreck over a one-week relationship. Work harder my sophomore year of college. Not spend all my money on the stupid MealPlan program. Not convince myself and Chris that we would last forever and that we should get married. Not let myself get tied up and lost.

But at the same time, they always say - everything you go through makes the person you are today. True. I would not be so cautious if it wasn't for my past. I wouldn't think twice, or even a third time, if it wasn't for the mistakes I've made. You can't live the next day without learning from your actions and decisions from the day before. You can't really live without making mistakes.

But if I could go back in time (& be able to control when and where I go) I'd go back to those priceless moments. Like playing with Tracy and Kassie in 4th grade. Watching Coulter and the guys play kickball in eighth grade. Going over to Tata's and watching the fish in his indoor pond. Playing video games with Scotty & Reuben. Being spontaneous with TJ at Domino's. Hanging out with Finn in Sarah & Liz's dorm room. Everything that makes me smile. It'd be nice to relive those memories every once in a while. I think.


most everything you do make me wanna smile...

Twenty two years ago, I was brought into this world. How lucky are my parents? Ha - I mean, how lucky am I? Seriously. I am one lucky gal. Today, I had an amazing birthday - one of the best birthdays I've had in a looong while. Spent time with the family. Got my GPS for Paula. Took forever getting ready with the help of my family. Went to John's (figured I gotta start calling him by his real name). Was greeted with beautiful flowers. Went to a delicious dinner at My Big Fat Greek Restaurant - had Opa! Went back to John's. Was treated with a full body massage. And just basically had an amazingly wonderful night. Not much happened - just hung out with my man. Amazing. Fantastic. Wonderful. So many words can describe my night. I am one lucky gal.

P/S: I love you. :-)


something of value but something untrue

It has been officialized. We have been officialized. And quite unexpectedly. I did not expect him to cave in yet. Sure, I had a feeling he was starting to feel something strong - especially after the weekend we spent together. But I didn't think he was ready just yet. Mainly because he told me he wasn't ready to commit yet. And as I've said, I was perfectly ok with that. But then last Friday came around and he insisted that I come over (usually, Friday nights are his nights to relax & I'll spend Saturday night and/or Sunday with him). And so I did. And as soon as I got there, I knew something was up. He said he had a bad day. Why? I asked. Because of the previous night.

Previously, the night before...After having dinner with some of the other interns, Jenna & Pui Foon, and Chris & Roy, Chris, Roy, & I decided to go out to Club Congress. It was pretty much the first time I really gone out in Tucson and figured it'd be a nice way to meet new people and just relax & have a good time. So we had a few drinks at my house first while playing Wii bowling, then headed over to CC. I was already pretty tipsy and then had a couple more drinks. Met up with my other friend Chris (Chris S. to be exact) and ran into Finn briefly. And overall I had a good time. Except for the awkwardness of dancing with my ex & best friend. But in the midst of it all, I kept in contact with TJ. He asked if I was driving - I said no, Roy was. And he said, "he better not hurt you." I informed Roy of this and Roy replies with "or what?" Now if he was serious or not, I couldn't tell you, but I was having trouble standing up straight let alone thinking straight. So maybe I tried to start some drama by relaying Roy's message to TJ. Well that didn't go well with TJ.

Continued to next day. So TJ informed me that Roy's comment pissed him off & that was all he thought about all day & how he wanted to kick Roy's ass. Whoops. I tried to calm him down - telling him it wasn't a big deal - that neither of them knew each other & he shouldn't take it so seriously - blah blah blah. And when I finally got him to somewhat forget about it, he explained to me that "the thing is, [he] wants to be in a relationship with [me]" and he knows this because he cared so much about me going out and hasn't been able to stop thinking about me since the previous weekend. Then he went on this huge thing about that while the whole time I was probably blushing hardcore.

In the end, all he had to say was, "So...will you go out with me?" I cracked up because I felt like I was in high school when someone passes you a note asking: "will you go out with me. check yes or no." It was so sweet and innocent. I spent the night with him that night. It was amazing. Just lying in his arms and cuddling next to him as he just held me close. Then waking up to him lying beside me, staring at me with a huge smile was a great way to wake up. He had to go to work on Saturday so he was all dressed in his work clothes, ready to leave and it was just cute. Definitely something I can get used to.

Sunday, he came over with Chloe (his dog) and we went swimming. Well, me, him, my parents, & Cheyenne went swimming. Chloe was too chicken (maybe next time). Then I went back to his place in the afternoon to hang out before I had to go back to Tucson. I took a "nap" while he made me dinner. (I say "nap" because I kept going in & out of sleep.) I did hear a conversation he had on the phone with his grandma - I heard him say that he was making dinner for his girlfriend, and yeah, "she's awesome - she's a keeper." :-)

I must be special enough for granny to know.


I'm not afraid of anything, even time...

I know it's all new. I know it's all fresh. And I know that there's a lot of lust going on. But I also feel like there's this strong connection between us. And it seems like this unexpectedly strong connection has just recently taken us by a huge surprise. I think this strong connection hit us after this past weekend was over. We were both taken aback come Monday morning and starting thinking into the situation - waaay too much...

Speaking on my behalf, all the sudden, all these fears engulfed me. Fears that I shouldn't be concerned about. I suddenly became aware that I was probably just as scared as he was about being in a relationship. For the past four years I've dedicated my life and soul to one person. One person who couldn't appreciate the person I was or the things I did for him. One person who didn't find enjoyment in making others happy. And that same person broke promise after promise and continuoulsy built me up for disappointment. I got to the point where I just figured that that's how it is - that what I had was good and I was lucky - that what I had was true love and happiness. That is all I know. That is all I have to base relationships off of. In other words, I've kinda gotten accustomed to the idea that I always get the short end of the stick - I always give but never receive. I worked so hard at my past relationship and never got anything out of it. So many times I got my hopes up just to have them smashed into the ground. So my biggest fear was getting attached & getting my hopes up just to have them crushed again...

On his behalf (summing up what he told me) he's afraid of commitment. See, he had this girlfriend who he thought was his "first love," only problem was: she was a crazy meth addict. His "first love" consisted of constant fighting, bailing her out, physical abuse (from what I understand he only pushed her once - more like a nudge - she on the other hand threw things at him & "beat" him up several times), verbal abuse (the kind where you say extremely hurtful things just to piss the other off), and her drug problem. He made the commitment to someone & she let him down. So because of that, he's unsure of commitment. He tends to run away when things get serious and/or good ("it's the cowboy" in him) - something he says he can't control (a constant worry I've had with him in particular - but I'll get into that later). Because he doesn't want to let someone hurt him again. He takes control of the situation before the girl takes control over him. So his biggest fear is caring too much about someone that makes him vulnerable to get hurt...

And there we both were. Over the weekend I began to get attached and hopeful of where we were going (thinking about fishing/camping trips we'd take and such) and he was beginning to care about me (he said that when I hang out with guys, he gets jealous - not crazy jealous, but enough to somewhat bother him - something that showed him he was starting to care, because before he never gave a shit if his other girlfriends hung out with guys). And it scared the shit out of us.

And to quickly explain why his running away tendencies was something that always worried me about him - back in 2005 is when I first met TJ. He was filling in as manager at the Domino's Chris Henry & I worked at (Chris Henry was actually the one who "formally" introduced us). He thought I was cute so he asked me out. I thought he was cute, so I said yes. He took me out to Saguaro Lake to watch the sunset. I was young and naive. I fell in "puppy love." Things were good after that. We "worked" together a few times ("worked" as in making out behind the dough trays in the back or in the storage room or in the walk-in freezer) and I got attached. A week later, he said it's not gonna work. Then he never talked to me again - completely cut off all ties with me. I texted & he never texted back. Nothing. I was heartbroken. Did I mention I was young & naive? It's ridiculous to think about today how much I cried over that. And when I did think about it a while later, I realized it was the best decision - to end it - because he got transfered to a different store (on the other side of Phoenix) and I was getting ready to graduate high school & move to Tucson for school. But it woulda been nice to hear that from him. Or to hear anything from him. Some kind of explanation. What kills me the most is not knowing. So I never had any formal "closure" with him. And I thought about him often after that. But what could I do? He ran away. So when he told me that running away was a bad habit of his, it reaffirmed what I already knew.

And now back to our night of frustration and worries and concerns (through text messaging). After we both revealed our fears I started thinking about one thing he said: "I have a bad habit of running. I can't control it. It's the cowboy in me." Like I said - it reaffirmed what I already knew and it was all I could focus on. I started to get upset to the point where I just called it a night. Then the next day, something amazing happened - a miracle if you will. We talked about the previous night & cleared things up. He didn't mean to say that he's basically gonna run away from me again. He told me this time would be different. That he regreted doing it last time (although he wonders if we'd still be together and/or if we'd be the same people we are today). And that he had no intentions of leaving now. And that's basically what I learned. That he really likes me (score!). And that he thinks I'm awesome & that there's something "different" about me (that I'm not a meth addict? or clingy?). But he's just not ready to commit. He wants to be in a relationship with me, but wants to make sure we are ok seperately first & are able to get back on our feet. And I agree. I enjoy the time we spend together. It's amazing. And we both think it's just best to just take it one day at a time and see where that takes us. His biggest thing is "whatever happens will happen." And I'm ok with that.

But I think I'm slowly cracking him. Each day we talk I feel like we're closer & closer. He tells me places he wants to take me camping/fishing and even considered inviting me to Thanksgiving at his family's. And he says he's planning something awesome for my birthday (including dinner!). I'm looking forward to that.

So basically I'm closing my eyes and diving head first off the cliff. Hopefully I'll fall into clouds. But if not...well, I'll figure it out when I get there. But I'm not scared anymore. (Maybe just a little worried...) I have nothing to be scared of.


just what i needed

This weekend - was AH-MAZING. TJ - John helped me bring down my new bed and spent the night/day with me. We didn't really do anything exciting but just hung out. We did a lot of talking...rather he did a lot of talking. But I don't mind. It was super nice. It was awesome just being able to listen for once rather than doing all the talking (which was always the case with Chris). He told me so much about his childhood and the different places he grew up. He explained to me the shitty-ness of one of his ex-girlfriends - his first true "love" - and the craziness of their relationship. He talked about his brother & sister and how they got to the place they are now. He talked about a lot of things that I don't think he even expected to reveal to me already. And then I felt so bad because he even started crying a bit when he started talking about his dad and how he hasn't seen him since he was like 13. I'm not sure why he brought it up though if he was so emotional about it. I told him to stop wasting time and to just go see his dad. There's no reason why he shouldn't.

We also watched a movie (after realizing you can't use a phone number at Blockbuster) - got some lunch at Casa Molina - goofed around - and I even made him dinner. :-) I made him my family's famous tuna casarole - which he enjoyed as much as he could (he had an upset stomach from some Jack in the Box he ate the other night). But it was just nice hanging out with him. And amazing waking up next to him. :-)

We also discuss our "status". He told me he hated me for seeing him cry & that I was the second girl to see him cry - but the first to see him cry about something he cared about (I guess his ex would say nasty things to push his buttons). He also made it clear that he was scared because he knew he was caring about me. He said after his psycho ex - he just stopped giving a shit. & his more recent exes he just didn't give a shit about - to an extent of course - like he wouldn't care if they hung out with guys. But he said that with me, he does care and worries when I hang out with other guys. And he's not sure what that means. And I guess I also freaked him out/worried him Friday night because he texted me & I told him I was driving through Florence and he tried texting me but I didn't reply. So he called me to make sure I was still alive. Thing was I didn't get the messages until like half an hour or so later (phone issues). He says he's scared that he's gonna hurt me. Again, with his psycho ex, when they fought, they would say nasty, hurtful things, and he said that he doesn't want that to happen with me. And I told him, I wouldn't give him a reason to do that. I'm not crazy. I have a direction in my life I'm heading towards. I don't do meth (like his psycho ex). And I basically give my heart to the one I'm with. I do whatever it takes to make them happy.

So, it seemed like the day was filled with him fighting with himself about our "status". It seems like he wants to be in a relationship with me, but just too scared. Of what exactly, I don't know. But I can tell I'm getting to him. He tells me all the things he likes about me. Calls my eyes "fire eyes" (because they're yellow in the middle - the hottest part - & green around the edges - the coolest part). Likes that I'm a dork and thinks I'm cute. Tells me all these camping spots he wants to take me and tells me he wants to teach me hunting. And now, since I gave him such an awesome weekend, he's gonna plan something special for my birthday - including...drumroll...our first official date. :-) I'm so excited. If it's anything like our first first date (back in 2005ish) - it should be AH-MAZING. (First time we went out, he took me to Saguaro Lake to watch the sunset.) So we'll see where that goes.


what if I fall along the way, would you be there to ease the pain?

I'm not sure what I hate more. The fact that I come back to Tucson to emptiness. Or the fact that I leave everything I care about in AJ. Maybe it's just one of those days. The days when you feel like the whole world's against you. When you feel like God (or whatever ultimate power) is just throwing every challenge at you just to see if you can dodge every single one or if you'll crumble. My last few years have been insane and heart wrenching. Heartache after heartache, exhaustion after exhaustion, drama after drama - it seems like it's a never ending cycle of shittyness. And no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to pull myself out of this hole. It's like I see the sun shining through the water, but no matter how hard I swim, I just can't break the surface. And I sit here, on days like this, and wonder if I'll ever make it to the surface - if I'll ever be just happy, go-lucky, bubbly Alicia. I used to be such a positive person, before college. And now I sometimes barely recognize myself.

Breaking up with someone you care about and have cared about for nearly four years is not easy. I have gone through so much pain and heartbreak with Chris, but it's still not easy. And it's mainly because of his lack of a reaction. He seems fine - moving on so easily. No pain. No heartbreak. Nothing. Did I really invest four years of my life in him for nothing? Did I really put myself through so much pain and hell to make things work for nothing? Did he ever want it to work? Those are questions haunting me tonight. It's like he never appreciated anything I did. Like I wasn't some life-changing person. Like I was pretty much nothing. He doesn't seem like he's coping. Am I surprised - I mean, really? The main reason I broke up with him was because of his lack of emotion. But I just didn't think he would let me walk away so easily - not even try to fight for us. It just shows me how important our relationship was to him. And that's what hurts the most for me. Yes, I miss our future goals and hopes and yes I loved him. But I've spent so much time crying and hurting and suffering that I honestly just don't have any more tears to cry about him. But seeing him not shed a tear - that hurts. A lot. And I know he knows about TJ. And that doesn't really seem to bother him either. Nothing. I don't regret breaking up with him. Just seeing how much I mean to him makes me kind of regret not breaking up with him sooner.

I miss my tata. He was such an amazing individual. June marked 6 months since he left us.
And I was so scared of thinking about it and being around family, I sort of avoided my mom and hung out with friends all day. I felt bad and still do, but it doesn't change the fact that I still miss him. Every time I make a wish over the railroad tracks, I just wish he's eating lots of frijoles and tamales and is happy with nana in heaven. As each month goes by, I become more and more terrified. The year 2009 has been somewhat good to me. I have grown so much this year. I have improved myself in so many ways - just like my tata would have wanted. But I know that once November comes around it's all going to go out the window. All the traditions - gone. And I honestly don't know what to do. Who's going to say grace at Thanksgiving dinner? Who's gonna make beans for Tea & I Christmas morning? I can't go on. I'm not ready yet...

And to top it all off, with all this shittyness I'm feeling right now, I have no one to go to. I've spent the past two days decorating and organizing my own room. And now I'm sitting here, at my Ikea desk I put together all by myself, alone. I write this as Chris comes in to put a hand on my shoulder and dance on my bed...I guess some things will never change.


what it takes...

This past semester, in one of my ChEE classes, Blowers had us write down our goals. He wanted us to be detailed and realistic, but still high. I came across mine the other day and thought I'd share them.

  • get master's degree in metallurgy
  • have a winter or summer cabin (either in the mountains or by a lake, respectively)
  • buy my parents a new house
  • have a beagle puppy I can name Copper (Cu)
  • have multiple pets named after elements off the periodic table (like Molybedinum, or Moly for short, Titanium = Ty, Magnesium = Magie, Nitrogen = Nitro, and so on...)
  • have a high paying job that I love and enjoy near home
  • be able to travel when I retire (and some before I retire)
  • have a home where I have my own pond with ducks and fish
  • develop some new, crazy, efficient way of processing minerals
  • have amazinly smart & responsible kids (raise them like I was raised)
  • learn how to play the guitar, piano, drums, & cello - in no particular order
  • when my parents get older, I want to be able to care for them
  • take my kids on a train across some states
  • swim with dolphins
  • have a cd collection as big as my dad's - actually bigger
  • meet someone who doesn't mind spoiling me every once in a while
  • go see the Suns play live
  • be able to sit at home for a day and do nothing but play video games, watch tv, and sleep
  • make someone else's life better


it's just a matter of time...

As much as I want to discuss how I feel about some recent "drama" that has occurred, I will refrain. There is no need for me to get into it. I graduated high school four years ago. I have grown into an adult and have no need to "act out" like a child who doesn't get dessert after dinner ("how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!"). That's all I have to say about that. Even though I'm a bit annoyed about what I've heard - I'm not getting myself involved because it has nothing to do with me.

As for my weekend - another great weekend back in my hometown. Delicious homemade dinners. Lunch with old friends. Puzzles with mom. And some quality time with TJ. All equate to a wonderful weekend. And I also finally got to learn a little bit about TJ. He sure is a talker. It's nice to just listen.

As for TJ & I. I keep telling myself I don't want a relationship right now, and part of me agrees with that. The other part is reminding me how much I like him. But according to him: he "digs" me & I "dig" him and he's not "banging" any other chick and we're "basically" dating - in his book - and I'm "practically" his "woman" but we're not in a relationship. ??? Oook. I get it. But then I don't. Am I supposed to be commited - not date any one else? I disagree with his way of thinking this time. He says he needs to be on his own to "get his shit together" but I think if you have the right person (*ahem*me*cough*) you can not only reach your goals, but you can even surpass them. The wrong person (*cough*his ex*cough) will bring you down because you have to spend all your time and energy trying to make someone miserable happy. And that's not right. But if you have a reasonably strong person, someone who can take care of herself and can spend the night alone every now & then, someone that is ok with your camping trips with just the boys - she can help you. She can be the encouragement and motivation that you need. I don't think you should push yourself away from someone you clearly like & are into & have some kind of bond with because you are scared or something. If you like someone, why beat around the bush? Why wait until "it's meant to be" or whatever. Life's too short to just sit around and wait.

But then again, part of me is like - this is nice. We're getting to know each other. We're building a stronger bond. And what's the rush? I'm young. It's not like I'm turning 50 tomorrow and have never been married. There's no need to rush something like this. We're just chillen. Having fun. We don't need to label anything. We don't need to "declare" that we like each other. We already know that. And it's not like because we're not in a relationship we're not seeing each other or missing out on anything.

I guess there's no responsibilities with what we "have" right now. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. And I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it yet (clearly) but I do know I'm just gonna try to do my best at going with the flow. If I don't think about it as much, maybe things will just fall together. It's weird though. It's like we're complete opposites with so much in common. If that makes any sense at all. I'll try: he's a "cowboy", wears cowboy boots & tight jeans & listens to country - I'm ....I don't know a label for me, but I wear skinny jeans & flats & listen to rock. But at the same time, we both love fishing and camping and the outdoors. And stuff like that. Got it now? Good.


feelin' satisfied...

I know I haven't technically been single for long, and I know it's really not a good idea to just jump into another relationship, but it's hard when I spend time with TJ. I wouldn't exactly say TJ & I have a long history or anything - we've just known each other for a while - and just have been talking again for about a year. But there's just something about him. I really don't know what yet, but there is. He's sweet and thoughtful and caring and someone I can talk to. Being able to talk about our goals and hopes and just lives in general with some is very important to me and something that Chris & mine's relationship lacked. I think that's what ultimately led to the demise of our relationship. So it's nice to listen every once in a while. It's nice to hear someone else's lifelong goal and their path to getting there. It's nice to hear about someone's childhood and how they were raised and how that made them who they are today. I know I'm a big talker and I love talking but it's just nice to listen sometimes. And I wish I got to listen more with Chris.

Spending time with TJ I get those butterflies in my stomach and I really don't know why. He's not my "typical type". He's a "cowboy" - wears the cowboy hat and boots and listens to country (ew). He hunts & fishes & camps - although I don't mind the camping and fishing part since that's something I love too. But I listen to him and I see his ambitions and I see his motivation and desire and I just find that so attractive. It just makes me want to get to know him more and just curl up in his chair and listen to his life. Haha.

But then also part of me feels bad. Then again, another part of me doesn't because it doesn't seem like this breakup is putting too much pain or heartache on Chris. He seems to be taking it rather well & already going out and meeting new people. So maybe hanging out with another guy is not a horrible thing...


this is outof control...

I've been reading this book for the past three years, Eat, Pray, Love (by Elizabeth Gilbert), because it's seems that every time I want to read for my own enjoyment, I have other shit to do (i.e. homework). I read this paragraph the other day and felt it suited my situation and belief well.

"He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this go...[his] purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that [relationship] that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a bit, show you your obstacles and addiction, break your heart open so a new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it."

It's true. I've always believed that you can only have one "true love" - the person you spend the rest of your life with. Other "loves" are not really loves but actually just lessons and guiders to help you along the path you want to go. They may be important people and they may stay in your life for a long time (even forever) but they are not the person you are supposed to spend your life with - that is reserved for your true love.

This book is very enlightening (when I get around to reading it) and I highly recommend it.


all my single ladies...

I've recently wrote about how great my life is becoming now that I'm becoming more independent and comfortable with who I am. I feel like I've grown so much in just this last month. I am now aware of who I am and what I want. And sometimes, I do deserve better. The past four years of my life have been quite a rollercoaster. And in the jumble of it all, I started to lose myself and who I was and what I lived for. My dreams and hopes were pushed away as I focused all my energy in being a great girlfriend. At the time, I didn't mind. But now, I have grown. And I expected others to grow with me. Unfortunately, they didn't.

So instead of continuing to hold myself back, I've decided to continue growing. That's what my tata believed in. He believed in always improving yourself. Once he mastered cooking, he learned how to paint. Once he mastered painting, he learned how to craft anything with wood. That's how he lived. He was always learning and improving and increasing his skills and talents. And I want to follow his beliefs and not let him down. I want to honor him by living my life like he did.

So instead of being unhappy for yet another year, I've done something I never thought I had the strength to do. And now I feel weird. I'm not sure what to do next. But I do know that I will be ok. And that I will continue to grow. And even though I'm terrified, I'm happy with where I am right now. My life. Is good.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."
--Henry David Thoreau


but now I see, oh whoah, because I'm sitting on top of the world

I'm telling you: 2009 is my year. Which is very unexpected considering the year started off extremely shitty (had to attend my tata's funeral on Jan. 2nd). But it's starting to turn out amazing. Maybe it's my tata's way of saying, "I'm gonna be ok - continue living and improving your life and being the best you can be." It's nice to think he's looking over me in that way.

I bought my own car today. That's right. We went down to this used car lot to look at this Kia Spectra and I thought
 it was super cute and perfect for me. But we decided to look at a couple of other places first. Well, by the time I went back there (like a couple of hours later) someone else had the car on a test drive. I was really bummed because I thought it was the perfect car for me. And then when I was told that the other people were going to purchase the car, I was slightly heart broken. Chris insisted we take a look at the other cars in the lot to see if there was anything else I liked but by then I just really didn't care anymore. I really didn't think I could find a car that I would fall in love with as much as the Kia. The Chris saw a Chevy Impala and asked to take it on a test drive. I thought it was a nice looking car but wasn't completely convinced yet. Then on the test drive (I made him take it because I was a little chicken) I saw the interi
or - which was amazing: it looked as if the car was driven once - and saw all the cool things it had and got excited. When we got back and I talked to my dad and Roy about it and I looked at it some more, I feel in love with it.

Needless to say, we bought it. I say we, because it was technically Chris's money at the moment (I'll pay him back 
after a couple of paychecks). But it is my car. I got to drive it home and it drives wonderfully. I mean, it's so smooth and awesome. And I can blast my music when I want to. I can "sparky it up" as Roy says. I can drive it to Phoenix to see friends whenever I want (as long as I don't have to work). I can drive it to Jack in the Box when I'm craving tacos at midnight. I can do whatever I want with it! I loves it.


Last of Days

Holy ba-jeezus, has this trip back home been memorable. Not only did all these amazing things happen in the past week, but I've been a whirlwind of emotions. While "trying" to clean my room today, I came across so many old things - poems, letters, journals, pictures - to remind me of my high school days. OH MY GOD - my high school days - FOUR YEARS AGO! Looking over these things showed me how much I've grown (kinda) but it also just brought back so many memories. It's sad. It's crazy.

I especially found it funny when I was reading through old journals. My "relationship" with Derrick and how much of a joke it kinda was. And then reading about the things I wrote about Chris Henry and my enormous crush on him. Haha - I would write about all the little things he did and how I construed them to be "sweet" and "thoughtful" - I guess that's never changed about me. But then I would write how frustrated I was that he had his girlfriend and yet he still "flirted" with me. Haha. I realized I didn't write much on TJ except when he "broke up" with me. Although I did come across several poems about him. I can't believe how many poems I wrote back then and the ridiculous metaphors I used. I wrote about heartbreak which to me is hard to believe since I didn't experience it in higschool. What happened with TJ was fun but so short that it was impossible for me to fall in love with him. I maybe have been crazy and lustful for him, but love? No. I wrote about loss of friendships (or friendship rather). I wrote about random ass things. I even wrote about some things that I can't remember who it's about and why I wrote it. But I still have my very first poem I ever wrote (in 6th grade maybe?). We went outside and were assigned to write about something we saw. I remember sitting with Tracy (& possibly Kassie) on the little wall that surrounds a tree and seeing someone's thrown out french fry. Here it is:

Lying there on
the rocky surface
shrivelling up
like a dried apple
lying there all alone
sad and desperate
for someone to eat him,
that poor little fry

Hahahaha. It cracks me up. So emo-ish in a way. Haha. But I think the poem I wrote that brought back the most emotions is one I titled, The Jaded Truth, which was about TJ. It reminded me of the awesome-ness of our "relationship" and the first date he took me on and how it's still, to this date, the best first date I ever had. (So what if I only had 3?) He took me to Saguaro Lake during the sunset. Beautiful! And it also reminded me how stupid I was for getting so upset and "heartbroken" when he ended things. It made sense. He lived in Mesa & I was just about to move to Tucson. It's a major Duh.

It's fun: remembering my first job at Domino's. I wish I had access to my old pics (I think they're on my desktop which is currently out of commission) to show how much fun we had. I wish I could go back sometimes, to the first time I worked at Domino's. I had some pretty crazy times there. It really opened me up and allowed me to be myself. I remember standing on one end of the make-line while Chris Henry was on the other. He would toss pizzas to me to see if I can catch them. I remember me, Mark, and Chris Henry trying to see how fast we can make a pizza. I remember Adam and Chris Henry putting hot sauce on the pizza for the guy who called me a bitch (I didn't do anything wrong of course, just stupid unhappy people taking it out on the girl on the phone). I remember Terry running around shouting and clapping to keep everyone on their toes during rush hour. I remember meeting TJ for the first time and our make-out session behind the dough trays while Chris Henry and Mark tried to spray us with the sink hose. I remember working late nights with my boys. I remember a doodle TJ drew that he gave to me. I tried looking for it, but I think I eventually threw it away to help me "get over" him. I remember so much craziness and awesomeness. I loved it. I miss it. I miss my boys.

Although I didn't get to hang out with all my boys, I did get to hang out with Chris Henry & TJ the other night. 
We went to some bar where I got some blue delicious drink that totally did its toll on me. We hung out until it closed, catching up on so much (considering it's been over three years since Chris Henry or myself have seen TJ), and laughing alot (I of course almost laughed about everything since I laugh a lot when I've been drinking). I was definitely drunk by the end of the night - I spilled TJ's beer and my own drink during the night. We then 
went back to TJ's apartment and watched South Park and hung out some more. It was a good time. It was nice getting to hang out with old friends. It was also nice since I kinda got to TJ about the true reason as to why he ended things 3 years earlier. (Damn innocence.) And of course, as it always is, it was great hanging out with Chris Henry. 

Plus it's nice to hang out with people you know will take care of you and not let you do stupid things - for the most part. They won't let you get crazy ass, pass out drunk. And that's what I lack in T-Town. I wish I didn't have to go back. Stupid stupidness.


Don't know what I was looking for when I went home...

This has been quite an awesome and amazing week, well, last week was. First I finish my semester with my last final: statics. Then I get to see one of my favorite bands in Tempe. Amazing. Sure it was small and not many people there, but I still had a blast. And I got to hang with my good ol' buddy, Roy. (Too bad Chris couldn't make it...) 

And then I "graduate" from Chemical Engineering. Four years of challenges and roller coaster rides (good thing I like roller coasters) and now I'm done. For the most part. Ok, technically, I'm not a UA alumni just yet, I still have one final semester. But that final semester includes electives: dynamic meteorology, mineral processing, and possible another mineral processing class; with some filler (to be a full time student): weather and climate, the physical universe, and criminology. Not completely certain if I'm taking all those classes or not, but that's the jist of it. The moral of the story is that it's going to be an easy semester with not chemical engineering courses. So I'm pretty much done with chemical engineering, now I just gotta get the number of credits I need to graduate. Regardless, I had my ChEE pre-commencement ceremony on Friday and that's basically the last time I'll see my ChEE professors and my classmates. 

I also received a $1500 scholarship which is always nice to get some money. That same day I finally got my tax return back. Then today, I finally get my license! Haha, so what if it took me a little longer than most people. I finally did it. I am now, officially an adult. Ok maybe I'll be an official adult when I get a full-time job. Well, I'm getting there. Now I don't have to depend on people to drive me places. Woohoo! 
Yes, it's been a good week. And it's only Monday. Man it feels good to be back home.


tell me that you'll open your eyes...

I've been torn. For a very long time, I've been torn. It's been almost four years and I sometimes just don't feel it. I don't feel the magic anymore. And every time I try, I feel like I just get shut down. Rejected. Punched in the face even (not literally). It's exhausting. It's stressful. It's frustrating. But most of all, it's hurtful. Mainly because he just doesn't see it. He doesn't get it. I've wanted to give up before but realized that I'm not the kind of person to just give up. Never have been, never will be. So I kept trying. But now, I feel just so exhausted that I'm on the verge of either breaking down or just giving up.

These past two or three weeks have sucked. Sure, I finished my last spring semester of my college career. But Chris, being the procrastinator he is, decided to wait until the last two weeks of school to do every assignment that was ever assigned during the semester. (Not sure if that's completely true, but sure does seem like it.) So I haven't been able to really talk to Chris. Nor have I been able to just hang out & watch tv with him. Nor have I really been able to sleep next to him. (And don't even ask about our "intimate" life.) I've felt alone and neglected for what seems like to be forever. And it didn't help that I already felt neglected by him in a way. I have worked so hard this semester to avoid having to pull an all-nighter like I did last semester. I worked so hard to keep myself healthy and stress-free. I feel like he has decided to ignore the fact that stress causes horrible things, like, I dunno, seizures. To me it's ridiculous. People (Roy) keep telling me, well at least he's doing it. Yeah ok. True. But I still feel like it shoulda been done already.

So I've been down. I haven't been in the mood to "deal" with him for the last few weeks. I was annoyed and pissed that he didn't care how much I was hurt. I didn't really wanna talk to him. We've had a silent few weeks. And then I came home. He stayed in Tucson. I figured he wouldn't call (like he usually doesn't) but he did. But I was still annoyed.

Then I watch tonight's season finale of Grey's Anatomy. So sad. I hate when they end seasons like that. Anyways, the moral of the episode is that anything can happen and sometimes bad things happen unexpectedly. And sometimes, before you know it, people you love and care about die all of the sudden. It sucks. But that's life. So it was emphasized that it is important to let those you love & care about that you do love them before you never get the chance to (resulting in Meredith telling cold Yang that she loved her - as a friend of course). So I decided to suck up my stubborness and get over myself and give Chris a call. To let him know I love him. So after I told him what happened on Grey's and that I I loved him, he changes the subject completely to tell me that he was going over to Kevin's soon and that Lindsey was picking him up in a bit. I had to ask him to repeat himself because I couldn't believe what I heard. Lindsey - crazy Lindsey. Sure she wasn't Lauren, but this was Lindsey. Clingy, super-emotional, drama queen Lindsey. Going to hang out with my boyfriend - my fiance - and his friends. I don't even really hang out with his friends. I've hung out with them before, but they're just not really the people I hang out with. All they do is act all macho & prove to each other how macho they are and drink. Not my crowd really. But definitely Lindsey's. So here is this girl, who I know has hooked up with Chris, going to drink with Chris & his friends. And what am I worried about? That his friends will like her & think she's so cool because she can drink (can someone say alcoholic?). Then there's me. Little quiet Alicia. 

That's not even the biggest thing. What I find lame is that I was telling him how much I love him & he interupts me to say "oh, Lindsey just called, I'll call you back." Excuse me? That slut can wait. This was the first time that I really talked to him and stuff. What the hell? I feel like I have priority over some crazy friend who you haven't seen or talked to for like ever. Don't I?

So now I'm back to those classic negative thoughts that haunted me years ago. The ones that make me doubt everything. The ones that ruin my day. But at least he told me he was hanging out with her and not trying to hide it like he always does. But, still. It sucks when you're trying to tell someone you love them, and they decide to talk to someone else. Lameness. And now I feel insecure. I've never been an insecure person. But it seems like he thinks Lindsey's more fun than I am and knows how to have a good time (because she's an alcoholic!). His friends are gonna think she's cooler and before I know it, I'm being replaced by her. WTF?! When is he going to see the things I've done for him? When will he realize that I've made his life soo much better? I know it sounds conceited, but seriously. Before he met me. He was working as a server, lying to customers, and a college drop out. I told him go back to school. I went with him when he signed up for his classes again. I was there when he lost his jobs. I was there when he got his internships. I got him to stop wasting his life to pot. I made him someone his mom can be proud of (her words - she's told/thanked me before). So you can call me conceited, but I don't care. I'm grateful for what he's done for me, no doubt. But I would still be finishing college with or without him. I don't know if I can say the same for him...But he doesn't see it. I feel like he just sees me as just a girlfriend. Not someone he can live without. Not someone he enjoys spending time with. How do I know this? Honestly, I don't. I can only assume from his actions (such as tonight's episode) because he doesn't tell me things. I really don't think that's how it's supposed to be - I don't think that's what true love is...

I'm not saying I don't love Chris. I'm just not so sure he loves me as much as I love him sometimes.

And I'm still waiting for him to call back...an hour later...


For What It's Worth...

I think I still want to straighten things out about how I feel about my roommates. I have never talked "shit" about them - I've never said anything bad or offensive (the only maybe offensive thing I can think I said is that they don't have common sense - but I'm convinced about 98% of the population doesn't have common sense) nor have I ever said they are horrible people. Sure I bitched about inconsideration, but I will admit, there are times where I turn my stereo on in the early morning while I'm getting ready for class. It's not that I'm purposely trying to wake them up, rather than I'm so used to getting ready with music on I don't even think about it. So my roommates may not be inconsiderate but just not realize certain things. I know I'm guilty of that many times. And I'm not just singling out Amanda & Greg - in fact, sometimes Arica made me just a frustrated during those previous weeks. She too did all the things I've listed before. But again, I don't think they're bad people and have never said they were. I have the right to bitch or vent about whatever I chose to considering this is my blog. This is my place of writing about whatever I feel like writing about. It in no way means I hate people or am not their friend or talk shit about them. In fact, I was frustrated with the things they did, not the people themselves. But I'm over that. I really, truly believe I was avoiding the real issues in my life and my way of avoiding anything is cleaning. (That's when you can usually tell that I'm supposed to be doing homework or something more important.) I just feel like I had to clear that up since I came across none other than Amanda's blog and read an entry bashing my ways and claiming how hypocritical I am (how did I know she used blogger too & somehow came across mine?). I never once said I don't get frustrated about things and I've never once said I don't talk about people behind their backs (good or bad) so how does that make me a hypocrite? I understand I'm not the cleanest person so complaining about cleanliness is hypocritical, but in reality, that's not really the person I am. I am not a clean freak. So yes, it was wrong of me to complain about something that I'm usually just as guilty at (except for draining grease in a coffee mug - my mom always used an used can). And for calling "foul" when the truth is exposed? Ok. I'm not really sure what that means. I've come to the realization that my frustrations were just little frustrations and didn't mean anything and I shouldn't let it affect my life before I cam across this entry. Maybe I defend myself, as everyone has the right to. And maybe I think things differently, as again, everyone has the right to. But saying that I'm this horrible hypocrite for whatever I wrote about and that I deserve what I got (past fights with Greg) doesn't really make sense to me. Sorry. And as for Greg - I don't regret any of the fights we've had because we are really different people and those fights help me understand the person he is. I may not always get how he thinks and he probably won't always get what I think, but now we know not to jump to harsh conclusions when it comes to each other. And, yes, I was wrong to jump to the conclusions that my roommates are inconsiderate and have no common sense, because I didn't take into consideration what they've been going through (wedding, school, work, dance class, moving, finding new roommates, etc...) So I stick to my apology for doing that and for the fact that you think I'm a hypocrite. But again, I feel I had the right to vent about whatever on here and again, how am I supposed to know anyone reads this? I'm not psychic. But I still respect you as individuals and think you're great people and good friends. However you chose to take it now is your choice.

Wow, I didn't mean to get that into that. I meant to take back some of my statements for a while but just haven't gotten around to it. But reading that entry made me feel like I needed to straighten things out. If I did or not we'll probably never know, but I tried. I'm not saying I'm always right about everything I do. People make mistakes. And I'm a person. So, therefore, I'm not perfect. But my entries weren't written to piss anyone off or to make them believe I hate them or think they're horrible people or was I talking shit about anyone. They were just to vent out little frustrations as they occurred. That's all. It wasn't anything personal, it was solely me getting out frustrations. Were they important? No. Were they justifible? No. But were they expressing how I feel? Yes. And I thought that's what blogs are for.

I intended this blog to be about how I've been feeling about school lately, but I feel like it's gotten so long it'll just have to wait.

P/S: I do enjoy your company (talking about future tattoos, playing scategories, etc...) and do hope we can still drink peach/pear ciders while playing board games/card games together.