And as I sit here, at my desk, wiping tears from my face, and think about my past year - just a year - I've realized that I've been hit with a lot of realities. And each one has brought on one of those emotions. Each one caused me great pain. Each one brought out a flood of tears. Each one sucked.
Like the reality that I'm going to graduate college in December and be thrown out into the real world. I can't continue to sleep in until 10am nor will I just be able to wake up whenever I darn well please. I will no longer be able to stay out or up until the wee hours of the morning hanging out with friends or just watching reality shows on Vh1. I was hit with this reality over the summer - when I had to wake up at 5:30 every morning, drive to work, work 8-10 hours, and return home around 5 in the evening. And once I got home, I was too tired to really do anything else except eat dinner and go to bed and prepare for the next day of repeating the same procedure. Every day - five days a week. I remember one day, it hitting me, that this is going to be the rest of my life. But it's not going to end in three months. It will seriously be the rest of my life. No break. Just work, eat, sleep. That will be my life. I will be an adult. I will be 22 and an adult. What? 22 is young. I should be out partying it up at the clubs or going camping with friends at 22. Not working every day of my life. I will now have to apply everything I've worked so hard at for the past four years and I will be expected to know it.
Or the reality that we will never have another Christmas breakfast with tamales and beans at tata's. Nor will I hear about how I'm not tearing up the bread crumbs small enough for the stuffing. This amazing and joyful person I've known my whole life and frequently visited on Sundays is no longer here. This amazing and strong person I've known fell weak and gave up. This amazing and entertaining person I've known will no longer smile and laugh with us. As the holidays get closer, and everyone else anticipates the joyous times and what they're going to get for Christmas, me and the rest of my family are going to have to face the reality that the one who we centered our lives around is no longer there. And every time I think about it, I panic. Who's going to say grace? Who's going to make Christmas breakfast? Who's going to make the tamale meat? How can our family survive and have a happy gathering without him?
Or how about the reality that I will no longer be with the person I saw myself marrying two years ago. That all the dreams and hopes we made together are now thrown out the window. That we're not going to take that honeymoon to Italy and Thailand. That we're not going to have this huge, luxurious, home on the side of mountain. We're not going to have this happy life that we thought we could have together. I'm not going to get my dream wedding. I've given back my dream wedding ring. I remember when I realized that we are just simply not meant for each other and no matter how hard I try, we're never going to be truly happy with each other. There's no way. I wanted more. I needed more. And he...well...he's just him - not a bad guy - just not my guy. I guess. Realizing that the past four years you spend with someone is gone and over with sucks. Realizing that you can't fix something - that you've done all that you can do to make it work - is hard. It's not fair. It's not cool. It just sucks.
And my latest reality: that I can't be in a relationship with this new, great, amazing guy while still maintain my close friendship with my ex and best friend when they hate each other. (Note: Chris doesn't hate Roy.) It's impossible to make everyone happy. Because I want to spend time with my new man, yet still hang out with my friends. Only problem is that every one's only free on weekends. And they're about 100 miles apart. And again, they hate each other. So I guess there's more than one problem. It's a slew of problems. I don't want to ditch my friends, but I also like spending time with John. So it's either stay in Tucson and hang out with my friends & not see my man for more than a week. Or go back home and see my man and lose my friends. No other options - I can't have both. Why? Because it's reality. It sucks.