5 loves v.1

Phoenix Suns I'm so stoked and anxious for the season to start it's not even funny. I can't wait to show off my gear and love for the team. this is going to be our year. I know it.
Homemade Guacamole my mom's homemade guac is the best. sure, it may look weird and different (it's probably the cottage cheese in it that's making you question it's authenticity) but it's a family recipe that's been passed on from my grandparents (who are full blood mexican) and it's to die for. I could eat it all day (and so far I have been).
Neon Trees Habits album it's a short album but it's so dang catchy I can't get it out of my cd player. it reminds me of 80s music like aha or flock of seagulls. fun dancey stuff.

My Car (Bentley) not sure if I mentioned it but I got him on my birthday - no it wasn't a gift to me - I paid the down payment. but I love this car. it amazes me every day and I'm still learning new features after a couple of months of owning him. the drive is always so smooth and I actually enjoy driving so much now.
Grey's Anatomy yesterday was the season premiere and I've spent the past 5 days watching the previous season so that I'm prepared (I missed a lot of last season due to my final year of school). although I'm a bit disappointed in the premiere, last season was awesome and I'm really anxious to see what's in store this year. 


weekend to do's

since it worked so well a couple of weeks ago, here's my to do list for my 3-day weekend weekend:

  • do a couple of loads of laundry
  • take down another chunk of grey's anatomy episodes with mamma (we're waaay ahead of schedule)
  • fill bentley up with some gas & wash his windows
  • pack
  • drive to san diego with the cousin and friend
  • lay on the beach
  • drink and be merry
  • lay on the beach some more
  • find cute boys (I can look and not touch!)
  • drink some more and continue being merry
  • drive home
  • watch monday night football

the weather forecast in san diego for the weekend:

high 71. low 59. 

sunday: high 72. low 61.
monday: high 70. low 62.

absolutely gorgeous.

it's ok to be jealous.


san diego here we come

after weeks of debate and agreement and broken promises, I have finally decided I am going to san diego this weekend. with or without chris. and at this moment, it's most likely without.

I know it's not really recommended that one goes on a mini road trip/vacay without their significant other, but dang it, I've given him so many chances to join me and summer is almost at its end. I am 23 years old and waaay too young to be sitting around every weekend. and with the money we make and the vacation time we're granted, there's no reason to go explore the world. sure we've been to san diego before, but I've been itching to hit up the beaches all summer now. and it seems like every other week we I talk about going and how we can make it happen and at first chris is all for the idea but after a day or at the last minute, he always bails out.

so if he doesn't want to go, then fine. I'll pack my cousin and her friend up in my prius and we'll make it a girls road trip.

I'm going to have fun. 


everything will be alright

I left our first couple's counselling session frustrated and upset. it was nothing like I expected. it's not because the therapist dogged on me or anything - she barely talked to me! there didn't seem to be much couples counselling at all! I started off with my goal of the counselling (to find an effective way to communicate with each other) and one of my issues (chris doesn't communicate...at all) and from there on out it was a chris counselling session. the lady focused on chris and why he doesn't communicate and this and that. and in the end, she tells us, "you're not ready for couples counselling."

um ok. is that because you didn't even ask me how this makes me feel or anything?

she told us that we should spend an hour every day talking about real things. she suggested things I should do to try to get chris to talk. I fought so hard to keep the tears back but she saw it in my face. the thing is I've tried everything she suggested. and it hasn't worked. it is exhausting trying to get someone to talk to you - it really is. so she told me if it's so exhausting, then don't do it. WTF?! so what am I supposed to do? give up?? how am I supposed to have an hour long conversation with someone when any conversation we have is from me starting and dragging it out?

when it was over I felt defeated. I felt like we were at our last option and that it wasn't going to help any because all she did was tell me something I already knew: that chris has issues with communication. she wanted us to do individual counselling first with our first session being a "background" session. it killed me because I knew there were more things for chris to sort out within himself than I had to sort out. I never had issues with communication. my parents are still happily married. we showed emotions in my family. I know what I want in life. any issues I have are with chris. I get frustrated when chris doesn't talk to me or show me affection and basically lash out. I thought we were going into this thing together - to work out issues together - and I thought we'd be coming out of this together. and now that doesn't seem to be the case.

but I'm starting to realize that this will be the only way for us to reach my goal. even though I was upset leaving the session, chris felt so good about it. he seemed positive and even slightly excited. chris is the one with the communication problems. I've done everything I can. so now an outside source needs to try to help him sort out his issues. and I can't help with that. and we won't be able to progress as a couple if chris isn't comfortable with himself. and I think chris believes that this lady will help him.

the hardest part is realizing that I'm going to have to do even more waiting. I'm now forced to sit and wait until chris sorts out his issues. and I don't know if I can't handle that. I'm exhausted. it's heartbreaking when your own boyfriend doesn't want to talk to you about anything. and I already feel so alone and depressed about our relationship that I don't know how much neglect I can take. but I'm determined to make it work so I have to be willing to do what needs to be done. and this may help chris so much. I hope it helps him so much. because it's going to be hard for him to get through life not showing any emotions or talking with people.

so I just have to suck it up and go with the flow. and hope everything falls together in the end.


semi-charmed kinda life

chris is mad at me. no. worse. he's hurt by something I've done. and thing is - I had no intentions of hurting him. (who does?) I posted about our counselling on facebook and he's hurt because he feels it's no one's business. and he's right. I feel really bad. I really wasn't thinking with that one. I wish I could take it back.

but at the same time, I didn't post it to show people how unhappy I've been at times. I posted it to see if I had support from my friends. I was a little scared going into it. I mean, I'm 23 and am already in couples counselling? really? at first I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. should I be ashamed or embarrassed or is it ok? and I guess I was looking to friends to clear that up for me.

and they did. those who commented on my post made me realize that it's not a bad thing that we're in counselling. in fact, we should be proud of ourselves. because we're taking action. we're not sitting back and letting things get worse. we know something's wrong and we care about each other enough to want to fix it. I think it shows strength. I think it shows courage. yes I'm 23 and in couples counselling, but at least I'm not 53 and in couples counselling. at least I haven't spent 25 years unhappy. at least I won't have to go through an ugly divorce and have to split everything up.

I've seen (or rather, heard) so many couples fall apart because they simply give up. they give up on each other. something bad happens and they're done. they don't try to understand why the bad thing happened and what it means. they just break up or divorce. they throw away years of memories and families. they're willing to put their children through sadness and pain because they don't think something's worth fixing. come on now, shit happens. people make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. not every one is born to be the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend. but when you care about someone deeply, you work with them to make your relationship work. and you have to exhaust all your resources.

I understand sometimes people should just break up because they aren't compatible. but things like lying, or the inability to communicate, or excessive partying are things you can fix. they are within your control. and if you're not happy about it - and the other person wants to make a change - there's no reason not to do something about it. the sooner the better. operation: get chris to communicate has gone to a whole new level. and I think it'll be worth it. I've spent too much time with him - too many lessons from him. and we have so much to look forward to if we are able to make it work. plus five years of memories and joint custody of two dogs makes it worth doing every single thing we can.

so with that being said, I am proud of us for taking charge of our lives - for refusing to move on from something great. and we're taking care of important issues before we tie the knot. because they're not going to magically disappear once we get married. we both want to live happy lives together and are doing what needs to be done in order to achieve that. although, I probably didn't need to make it as public as I did. telling close friends and family would have been sufficient and kept chris from being upset. whoops.

I'll have to discuss how I feel about our first session some other time (without giving too many details of course). for now: one day at a time.


new york and labor day in pictures

warning: lots of pictures to follow. :)
amazing news. I mentioned earlier that my brand new hard drive died on me last week - just days after uploading all my new york pictures on it. I thought I lost 10 days worth of awesome-ness and was absolutely crushed. not to mention chris was also really upset since he's convinced it'll be the last time he visits there because his grandma was thinking about selling it.

weeeelllll, turns out I uploaded 121 of the photos onto facebook! I didn't realize I did because when I tried uploading, it kept coming up with an error so I didn't think I ever got them uploaded. but I did! 

I don't have all the pictures I took but 121 of them is a lot and definitely enough to visually remember our little vacay. so here's my faves:

chris's grandma's backyard take feet from her back door.
chris's grandma's adorable house
sunset over findely lake

I loved the contrast of the sunset in new york compared to what I'm used to seeing. in arizona, our sunsets are deep, rich oranges and purples whereas here I felt they were softer and more pastel-y. beautiful in it's own way.
me frolicking in green lands 

there was so much green I couldn't believe my eyes. coming from arizona where the only green you see is weeds or pine trees up north, the amount of green I saw here was amazing. I loved every inch of it. but I don't think I could trade my desert in just yet.

the beautiful church chris's grandpa pastored at

I'm not a religious person but I was awestruck with this church. I found it absolutely astonishing. the inside was insane with intricate woodwork and gorgeous stain glass. chris's grandpa was a pastor at this church for about 13 years! 

looking at lake erie.
chris and I at Niagra Falls (on the canadian side)

and since I have my computer up and working and my sister uploaded some pictures of our labor day bbq, I thought I share a couple of those too.

cheyenne, pepper, and my dad
I swear she's a little camera ham
pepper & cheyenne swimming along
it looks like they're best buddies, but in reality pepper is the annoying little cousin that cheyenne despises. she's actually scared of pepper. she refuses to go outside if pepper's at the door.yenne's almost anti-social I think.

I'm so thankful for facebook and it uploading most of my pictures. I'm also thankful for my awesome family and amazing photographer sister. :)

how the weekend went

I'm copying my sister & checking off what I accomplished this weekend.
    • return dead hard drive to benson systems for replacement (thank god it's under warranty)
    • groceries 
    • start laundry 
    • clean up the house still could use some cleaning though
    • morning hike up Silly Mountain with the pups such a wonderful hike! I'll post pictures/go into more detail later
    • more laundry/cleaning around the house
    • dinner and seeing comedian iliza shlesinger at the tempe improv with scegan sooo much fun! had a great time laughing my ass off and hanging with my family
    • dog park with the pups
    • pick out & plant a eucalyptus tree in our backyard we ended up buying several trees - a local(ish) nursery was having a end of the summer sale and we got a pretty good deal on a package: a huge (4-6 years old) eucalyptus, a huge ficus, a super (1-3 years old) african sumac, and 5 different shrubs. we pretty much have all the plants we need for our backyard now and the nursery will do the planting for us! (not until the end of the month though, poo.)
    • give bentley (our new car) a bath probably the most torturous task of the weekend - I was absolutely exhausted when I was done. and my nails still have dirt underneath. ew.
    • relax & watch movies/catch up on our favorite tv shows saw law abiding citizen which I liked and watched some desperate housewives and teen mom
    • morning hike on favorite trail through Superstition Mountains with the pups
    • one of the following:
      • Phoenix Zoo & Desert Botanical Gardens
      • Golfland & walking around downtown
      • D-backs vs. Giants game
      • swimming & bbqing at my parent's (hopefully we can get pepper in the water now that she's older/bigger) pepper did sooo much swimming it was awesome! (pics later) and we had a good time playing charades (my dad did a great rattlesnake - too bad no one got it) and perfect ten (a fun trivia game).
I think overall we did pretty good. we didn't go anywhere monday except to my parent's but it was nice and relaxing and we still had a lot of fun. we also didn't do our hike around the superstitions but that was mainly because we were both pretty sore (me from washing my car and chris from jogging with the dogs). I told chris that I felt like the weekend was going by slower since we were doing stuff and he agreed. we also agreed that we had a pretty awesome weekend and enjoyed each other's company. we hardly fought too! we decided we're going to try to spend every weekend like this last one.

this week is a short week (thankfully) and we have our counselling appointment on saturday. I'm nervous as hay, but also really anxious. hopefully I can stay sane throughout the week.


weekend plans

after asking chris daily for the past week about whether or not we were going to make a trip this weekend, we, together, finally concluded to stay home. and I'm actually ok with it. I thought I'd be crushed, but I'm not. I am still determined to have a fun-filled weekend . I mean - it's labor day weekend - a free 3-day weekend! we brainstormed (again, together) about what we can do this weekend and I'm super excited. here's my agenda (hasn't been approved by chris yet):
  • friday:
    • return dead hard drive to benson systems for replacement (thank god it's under warranty)
    • groceries
    • start laundry
    • clean up the house
  • saturday:
    • morning hike up Silly Mountain with the pups
    • more laundry/cleaning around the house
    • dinner and seeing comedian iliza shlesinger at the tempe improv with scegan
  • sunday:
    • dog park with the pups
    • pick out & plant a eucalyptus tree in our backyard
    • give bentley (our new car) a bath
    • relax & watch movies/catch up on our favorite tv shows
  • monday:
    • morning hike on favorite trail through Superstition Mountains with the pups
    • one of the following:
      • Phoenix Zoo & Desert Botanical Gardens
      • Golfland & walking around downtown
      • D-backs vs. Giants game
      • swimming & bbqing at my parent's (hopefully we can get pepper in the water now that she's older/bigger)
so I'm pretty stoked. I mean, just because we're not going out of town doesn't mean we have to sit at home all weekend right? I'm taking charge of my life. chris will just have to deal with it and join me or he can peace out. now I'll keep my fingers crossed that we'll actually do it. maybe by writing them here I'll be more determined to do it that way I can show pictures. that's my goal at least. I'm one step closer to being happier - I can feel it.

hope everyone has a super safe and fun holiday weekend.


let's be real

lately I've been further than down in the dumps and I seem to always lose my creative outlet when I fall down. because I get tired of always writing or talking about my frustrations and my pain and this and that. every time I have a conversation with my mom or close friends, or every time I write a blog, the topic of how chris and I are doing always arises. and then things get depressing really quickly. this is when I'm forced to realize how unhappy I am. it forces me to think, well, if I'm really this unhappy, then I should do something about it. but I don't want to. because I feel like my only option is to end things and move on. and I don't think I'm ready for that (no matter how much I tell myself I am).

I read blogs that are positive and uplifting and filled with joy and happiness. and then I write about sadness and heartache and I feel lame. it's one thing to write or talk about sadness every so often, but to do it every day? I get frustrated that I'm not positive and always bubbly. no one wants to hear or read that. I feel like the debbi-downer no one wants to talk to at the party. but surely I can't be the only one struggling with life. I need to stop trying to be happy go-lucky like everyone else and just be me. even if I'm a little unhappy at this stage of my life. at least it's real. I won't be lying to myself or anyone else anymore. and I will take responsibility for my life. if I want it to be different, I will need to change it. maybe writing it down will motivate me to take charge of my life. but I need to stop lying to myself and trying to only write about bubbly and happy things. if I don't feel it, why write it?

so that's it. I'm frustrated and to the end of my rope about my relationship with chris. but I'm not giving up. not just yet. I haven't exhausted all my options. chris finally made an appointment for us to see a couples counselor. I've been begging him for months and now that he's finally done it, I'm terrified and almost want to bail. but I need to face all the issues we have in order to make it work. I don't want to get into every little issue that happened with us and I'm hoping we won't have to - I just want to be able to find an effective way we can communicate with each other. so that from here on out we'll be able to work out issues and work together on the life we want to share. I definitely don't want to bring up December 2008 and pray that it won't come up. because (a) I don't know if I can keep my composure and (b) I'm not completely sure that I've forgiven chris yet. but can you really ever forgive someone for not being there for you when you need them most? is it better to forgive but not forget or forget and not forgive?

every day is a struggle for me to be happy, I'll be honest. sometimes I feel like the world's against me. if it's not one thing, it's another. when things are going decent, something punches me in the gut and knocks me back down. it seems to never end. but I don't give up. every day I wake up and think to myself that today's going to be different. today I will honestly be happy. sometimes it works, and sometimes I fail.

chris and I had a huge talk last weekend and for once I saw got a glimpse of him through a window he opened. we got into December 2008 and he opened up about when he had to go through it before we met (in 2005). he cried. (more like balled - definitely took me by surprise.) and when he regained his composure, he said, "I've never told anyone that before."

and then I cried. I told him that for 5 years I've waited for a moment like that. a moment where I felt needed - where I felt important to someone else. I felt like he trusted me enough to open his heart and let me in - even if it was for a brief moment. I felt good. I felt amazing.

so I believe that I may be starting to get through to him. that's why I'm giving it one more shot. and now that we have this counseling session, I know he really wants to work it out. so I'm hopeful. the 28th was our 5 year anniversary. things have been alright this week.

and then my brand new hard drive to my brand new computer died. so I don't get to upload any pictures from our vacation in new york. just like I said, when things seem to be going good, something falls apart. I just hope pray that I'll be able to recover my pictures. this weekend I'm hoping to take a little trip since it's a 3-day weekend. we'll see how that goes too. I'm not going to be negative. I'm just going to go with the flow.