exhaustion

being in a relationship shouldn't be this hard, right? I shouldn't feel drained. I shouldn't feel emotionally dead. no, I should be happy. I should be full of energy. but I'm not. each time I get to the point where I can't hold my frustrations or pain inside and I try to talk to chris, it gets harder and harder. I feel like I'm repeating myself. my issues/concerns/pain has been the same for the past three or four years. nothing has changed.

I still feel empty without having someone to talk to every day. sure I could call my mom. sure I could call tracy. but I want to feel that connection with my boyfriend - my fiancé. I want to be able to tell the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with everything. I want to be able to confide in him my worries in life in general and I want to be able to believe he will help me deal with things. I want to deal with life together, not separately.

and gee, I don't remember the last time I felt special. scratch that, I do - when we got back together at the end of last year after shit went down with tj. even while I was with tj he was super nice and caring and even listened to my problems and tried to give advice. but now I don't feel like his girlfriend. we barely hold hands or even kiss. and forget about hugs. we don't cuddle on the couch and watch our favorite shows. in fact he tells me I'm hurting him when I lay on him. there's no intimacy between us anymore. none at all. how sad is that?

how can I plan a wedding with someone when I have such big doubts about us working? I asked chris last night if he was happy and he said he wish I wasn't bummed out all the time. and then I tried to explain to him (again) that I wouldn't be bummed out if (a) he talked to me about things and listened to me when I talked and (b) he made me feel special every once in a while. I told him that I get frustrated when I feel like I can't talk to him. so I get irritable. and then he doesn't want to be around me because I'm so irritable and therefore I get even more bitchy and/or depressed. it's a cycle. I can only go so far by myself in making myself happy in this relationship. I need his help. I need him to meet me halfway.

otherwise I don't know if I can do this...again...