new week = new attitude

ahhh I hate when I get all depressed and bummed and write mushy lame posts that make no sense to anyone but me pretty much because it's filled with so much rambling - although, which of my posts are not filled with ramblings? anyways, although I still feel pretty crappy and un-optimistic about where my relationship with chris is going, I did manage to get him to talk with me saturday morning. if he stays true to his word (for once) and I can stop being so bitchy all the time, there may still be some hope for us. I still think we need some serious professional help though. just someone we can talk to to help us find a way we can talk to each other. but we'll see.

that's my motivational face - in case you need a little
motivation on this monday morning

it's a new week. and with new weeks comes new days. (that was deep, huh?) I woke up early, probably because I didn't sleep well at all last night (woke up four or five times between 8pm and 4am) and took a shower. I got out, and I felt motivated. (I always seem to do that when I shower monday mornings.) but so far my motivation hasn't faded yet. (sure, it's only 10am.) so I'm hoping it will last until I get home so I can get some shit done around the house. and maybe I can even get a little bit of exercising done. (if you can call wii fit and dancing aerobic videos exercising - hey, gotta start somewhere right?) and maybe this motivation will put me in a good mood for the rest of the week. and I won't be bitchy to chris and he'll be nice and loving to me and we'll live happily ever after!

hope everyone else is having a motivational monday.

life is good

it's almost been a month, now, since we've moved into our first house. I can't say everything's been picture perfect though. I figured, since chris and I would be moving into our first house together, our bond would grow. it hasn't. yet. I feel he still rather do every thing around the house BUT spend time with me. but at the same time, I think I've just been extra moody lately. maybe it's the pill. it's messin' with my hormones and my emotions doesn't feel like putting up with the change. I feel bad because sometimes I think I'm just a nagging girlfriend which equals a shitty girlfriend. and I don't like the idea of being a crappy girlfriend. and it's not me to be so naggy. I don't want to be that person. I think I'm just gonna have to work extra hard to keep my temper behind closed doors and my emotions at bay.

on the other hand, I feel at home. it's weird being an owner of a house. there's so many things to do around the place it's exciting. picking the furniture for each room was awesome but now that's over. now I get the daunting task of unpacking and deciding where our old stuff fits in our new home. it's kind of tough. so far, I'd say everything's decorated in a classic, rich (not wealthy, but rich in color) kind of way. (pictures will come after saturday when our internet is finally installed.) and some of the stuff I own, I feel like it's too childish to fit in a "grown-up" home. but at the same time, I don't want to get rid of it. so I just haven't unpacked a lot yet.

my parent's came over last night & I made dinner. a delicious mexican lasagna (thanks jenna!). sure it took me like 3 hours to make, but we enjoyed ourselves. my parents drank some of their favorite wine in our new wine glasses while chris had some beer and we played euchre. it was good times. I like being a hostess. can't wait to do it some more.

it's definitely different adjusting to living in my own house with just the two of us + two dogs. but I think I'm getting there. some day I'll be a big girl. ha.



as for a pepper update: she's doing fantastic. her shit has solidified. we've been weening her back to her old fatty food. and she's just as spunky as ever. I'd say operation: get pepper healthy has been complete - at least after today. she'll finished her intestine meds, her antacid meds, and her antibiotics today and will only have her albon medicine which is to treat the coccidia. and she doesn't show any sign of weakness. she's a tough little cookie. and she's getting fatter. she was almost heavy when I put her in her crate this morning. life is good.

dog problems

my dear pepper is in the biting phase of being a puppy. I think her original owner failed to mention that part to me. she's constantly nipping at ginger (which she is not a fan of) and your feet. I used to be able to run up the stairs to get away from her, but she quickly learned how to get up those. although she's not so great at getting down yet.

it's like taking care of a baby. except you let it pee/poop in the dirt rather than change its diaper. I wake up multiple times in the night to rush her downstairs and make sure she goes pee outside and not inside. I have to find ways to get her to stop whining and to just go to sleep. I can tell it's driving chris nuts, but I'm ok with it.

he was is so stressed that she's gonna chew everything and ruin the house while we're gone. but things are gonna work out. my mom, who works not more than a mile away from our house, is willing to stop by during her lunch break and on her way home from work to let her out of her crate for a bit and go to the bathroom if needed. it'll help a lot.

puppies are awesome. my family loves her. they love playing with her and watching the silly puppy things she does. like tripping over herself. or chewing on a bone the same size as her. or trying to carry a shoe across the room. or just cuddling up.

I don't regret getting a puppy. but then again it's only been a couple of days. but it makes me so happy to have something I can take care of and loves to cuddle with me. ginger liked to cuddle, sure, but if she'd always choose chris over me. now I have my own. and couldn't be happier.

chris spoils me. he sure can be a great guy sometimes. but we still have our problems. especially when it comes to communication. I want to go to a couples counseling to see if someone can help us learn to communicate effectively with each other. but we just "haven't gotten around to it yet." hmm. new operation perhaps? operation: get chris to talk to me. I'll have to get into that another time though. puppy needs me.

summer is in the air

I've always told people that 'fall' is my favorite time of year because of all the warm colors in the trees and the weather is near perfect and being able to wear cute scarves. but there's really not much of a 'fall' here in the lovely state of arizona. the trees don't really change orange and red - unless you're up north. the weather's been more hot than near perfect. and I can't really wear cute scarves to work.

and I've never been a fan of spring. until this year. this year we got a shitload of rain. and it made everything bloom. I've never seen so many different kinds of flowers in my life. and the drive to work was always green and beautiful. but I believe this year was just a fluke. so I can't really declare it my favorite time of year either.

and I hate the cold. absolutely hate it. it makes me sleepy and unproductive. and I'm such a wuss so I always have to layer on clothing in order to be somewhat warm. my layers start when it's like 60 out - that's how much of a wuss I am. during the winter, I seriously will wear 4-5 layers. not just shirts/sweaters, but I'll even double up on pants and socks. I just hate winter.

so that leaves summer. eeuuugggh. summer in arizona, I'm convinced, is almost like living on the sun itself. 110-120 degree weather? for real? sure it's not humid, but 110 degrees is 110 degrees. it's hot as hell. but yet, something about summer makes me happy. it's definitely not the weather. maybe it's because it's when you don't have school for 3 months. but I'm out of school now. no more 3 months of freedom/laziness. maybe it's the cute summery dresses and shorts and tank tops that come out during the summer. they definitely make me happy but only on weekends since that's the only time I don't have to follow a dress code.

the best part of summer is the pool. aaahhh the pool. as a kid, I loved the pool my parents had installed in our backyard. my brother and I would go swimming all the time. in high school I didn't go as much because I didn't want to get my hair wet or thought it was too cold. in college I simply wasn't close to home. so this is one of my first summers in a long time that I'm able to fully enjoy and take advantage of the pool. and we've been over to go swimming every day since my dad refilled/"remodeled" it. and this weekend I even tried getting the new pup used to the water (fyi: thinking of naming her pepper - she's spunky with a spicy attitude and has speckles all over her nose and mouth). ginger's also been able to work off some of those pounds she gained at chris's brother's the last 5 months. the water is perfect. and I've been able to spend some quality time with my family still. it's gonna be a great summer.

now I just need one of these and I'll be in complete bliss.

I win

after much coaxing (aka pouting) chris finally agreed to at least go look at the puppy. once he saw her, he caved.

"no don't take my picture"

looks like operation: new dog puppy has been accomplished. I rock at these operations. our family feels complete.

we're not sure what to name her yet. we figured we'll see what kind of personality comes out in the next couple of days and then decide. we're thinking either 'cayenne' if she's a feisty one or 'rosemary' (aka: 'rosie') if she's a sweetheart. so we'll see.

puppy obsessed

it's been a while. with the whole confusion around our house, the last thing I was looking for was a new puppy. of course, it wasn't off my mind and I still browsed a little bit, just not as much as before. I also gave up on my lifelong dream of naming my pets after elements off the periodic table. I didn't want ginger to feel out of place or left out. so we decided we'll name them spices. I know: genius.
puppyies of the day:

oh how my heart yearns for a white and brown/blue pit bull pup. I dream about it - that's how much it aches for one. something about their 2 tone colors makes my heart melt. I already emailed my interest about this one (don't tell chris) so we'll see. this little guy (or gal, not sure yet) reminds me of that very first puppy I fell in love with in the very beginning. except this one doesn't have a brown ear. pretty similar though huh? 

chris and I ventured to the mall this weekend to look at bedding and stuff for our soon-to-be-home. every time I go to the mall, I have to stop by the Animal Kingdom, also known as the puppy store. we saw this adorable little chocolate lab, like this one, and I fell in love with him. he was so cute and playful I want to go back and get him. I joked to chris that we could name him brown suga. but then again, that's not a spice.

how do you say no to little faces like that? and look at their cute little brown ears. awww. not to mention their love of basketball is a huge plus.

sometimes I wonder if I'm just puppy obsessed. or just my heart desires an addition to our "family" so greatly it's driving me crazy. it's better than a baby that we're definitely not ready for. what's the difference you ask? taking care of a puppy is like taking care of a child, true. but taking care of two kids is different than taking care of one big kid and a puppy. it's bad enough having to deal with chris's childish antics all the time, but two children? no way. a puppy is so different. yes they require lots of attention - attention I'm full of and willing to give - but it's just different. I don't think chris is ready to be a dad. and I'm definitely not ready to be a mom. so I'll just stick with puppy parents for now.

friday itchings

things I'm itching for on this fabulous friday:

taco salad

 I have an amazingly scrumptious bowl of taco salad in the fridge just waiting for me to enjoy it. what I love more than taco night is the left overs of taco night and being able to create taco salads for the next week or two. it's only 9:00 but my mouth is seriously salivating over the idea of being able to eat it. there's no way I'm going to be able to wait until 11:00 for it. no way.

keys to our house

in 3-4 days we will be closing in our house. in less than a week, we'll be moving in. I CAN'T WAIT!! I'm most excited about having all our furniture in it because that officially makes it our home. is it monday yet? geesh. who waits for monday to come?

suns win

the suns are so excited because they beat the lakers. no one has faith anymore. but I still do. I truly think they can pull it off. they have what it takes, they just gotta do it.

a place to call home

things finally turned out, well, for the most part. we got the house. (yay!!) but paid more than it's "worth." however, to us, it's worth a lot more. it's worth the fact that we're four miles from my parent's and have the ability to go by for dinner, take ginger swimming, enjoy suns games, etc within 5-10 minutes. we have a place that chris and I can grow as a couple and start our lives together. we have the option to start a family (if I can get over the idea of giving birth). it's worth being able to raise a family, if we choose to. and if we don't, it's worth raising our soon-to-be new puppy and ginger. it's worth being able to come home from a long day of work (and a long drive) and sit in comfortable furniture, put our feet up, and watch a good game or movie. we now have a place to hold parties and get-togethers. we can take days off and relax. it's definitely worth having a place to put our cloud supreme. we can do so much now, the possibilities are endless. this is our home. being able to say that in itself is worth it.

sure we could have probably found another, comparable home. but I didn't want to. we've already fallen in love with this home. for five months this has been our home. for five months we have been designing this home. it was custom built for us. no one else. it is our home.

it sure was a headache though. after arguing with cathy, we ended up setting up a meeting for the four of us: chris, me, cathy, and the builder. I was tired of relying on chris to pass all the information to me. and I was tired of feeling like I didn't know what was going on or feeling like I wasn't in control. I was frustrated with everything. the meeting didn't start well - cathy and dan (the builder) almost immediately began arguing and pointing fingers, blaming the other, and trying to make the other look like a liar. I couldn't believe it. we're all adults. they're professionals. why did I feel like I was on a non-cursing version of the maury show? I got so fed up I started crying and left. the idea of not having the house broke my heart. cathy and chris followed me outside and we talked about our options. and chris and I decided that the house was worth paying more to us. my tears also must've made dan feel bad because he came out and took $1,000 off (sure, it's not much, but hey). we ended up caving in and agreed to $157,000. $9,000 more than the appraisal, but $6,000 less than we originally agreed upon in the contract. and if you think about it (like I am) we'll still be able to get the $8,000 tax credit so we'll only really be paying $1,000 extra out of our pockets. not too bad.

but in the end, everyone's happy. and we're moving in next week. life is good again.






thank god.

you know you're looking at a winna, winna, winna

4

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oh boy did I win my bet.

mama I love you

my mother is my best friend.

• she puts a smile on my face when I'm angry.
• she makes me feel better when I'm sick. 
• she knows what I'm thinking before I say it
• she helps me realize life is wonderful.
• she accepts my craziness.
• she wipes away my tears.
• she yells during suns games.
• she is an amazing cook.
• she knows all the right things to say when I'm down.
• she is the glue to our family.
• she lets me be myself.
• she always remembers to call.
• she loves to laugh.
• she is my best friend.
• she cares for her friends.
• she accepts chris.
• she puts family first.
• she appreciates everything we do.
• she knows how to have fun.
• she loves her wine (not in a crazy alcoholic way).
• she forgives people who don't deserve it.
• she makes me feel comfortable when I'm scared.
• she has crazy sisters.
• she's the best euchre partner.
• she raised me to be independent and strong.
• she loves her kids more than anything in the world.
• she is a talented painter and doesn't even know it.
• she is someone I can always talk to about everything.
• she reminds me of those things that slipped my mind.
• she is beyond amazing all around.

I love her and can't imagine my life without her.
she is truly the best mom in the world and I'm so lucky to have her as mine.


happy mother's day, mommy.

game 2

2

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so far, so good

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all things considered...

so here I am, working on what seems to be a never-ending excel spreadsheet, trying to figure out how everything is calculated, listening to pandora on my phone (can't stream at work which is super lame), trying my best to stay awake after another late game night, when this song comes up: "all things considered" by yankee grey. my first instinct was to change it since the first five or so notes game the impression that it was a country song, but I was in the middle of typing something, so I couldn't. Instead I listened to it and found it ridiculously catchy. And for some reason it made me think of TJ.

since TJ & I have completely stopped talking, I catch myself thinking about the times we spent together and how much fun I had. I wonder if I was truly being selfish and not understanding l or if I was being a bitch or if I was at complete fault like he kept claiming or what. and then I wonder if I really am a drama queen as other people claim.

but after listening to this rather short tune, I've come to the conclusion that, all things considered, I'm doing just fine. I've got the love and support from my family and friends. I have a wonderful, caring, thoughtful fiancée. I'm about to move into a beautiful house. I have a challenging and exciting job career. I may not have the drama or the fun times that he brought me, but I'm pretty dang happy - consistently happy and rather stress free. I don't want drama. I like how everything's simple now. and even though it was a hellish and long nine or so months, where I am now is awesome and I like love that. it's nice not having to feel guilty every time I spend time with friends or family or wanna take a nap. life is good.


puppy of the day (until I get a new one):

10 week old mixed female. mainly crate trained!

awesome: the suns winning playoff games that are crucial to win and winning them by 20+ points.

lame: spreadsheets that refer to every other spreadsheet and workbook on site making me take hours just to find out where one single number came from.

moving on up

we got a letter in the mail over the weekend from the housing development chris & I are getting our house built. it's what I've been waiting for since january. our closing of escrow (or whatever they call it) is set for may 19th! this is the day we'll get the keys to our house! I just can't wait for it to be done because it sure has been a hassle. so in 22 more days (not counting today) chris & I will be sleeping in our own home. on our amazing bed. it's got the perfect name - cloud supreme. how can you not like a bed that's call the cloud supreme? anyways, super stoked to be getting out of my parent's house - not that I don't love my family and all, just 6 adults under a small roof is just too hectic. and I seem to be the one causing most of the issues. 

other than that, I don't really have anything interesting to say today.

here's the puppy I've fallen in love with for the day. 

8-9 wk old female pit - her name would be calcium or "calie"

awesome: found this while researching some stuff for work. it's an illustration of how the copper in the solution (the little thing with eyebrows) is attracted to the organic (the blobby thing) during one of the processes. love it's honesty.

lame: msha is on site today & will be inspecting the tankhouse (where I work) any minute now. I'm all about mine safety & enforcing regulations and policies, but I think msha inspectors have a tendency to take it too far (labeling all empty containers "empty" - really?). they also just bring stress around the workplace and prevent employees from getting the important shit done since they have to spend days running around checking EVERYTHING possible to make sure it will "comply."

I need me some puppy love

so I somewhat got the go-ahead as to getting a new dog - at least I'm telling myself I did. it won't be the puppy I desperately yearn for - chris is too afraid it's going to chew up all our new furniture - understandable - but I got him to agree to at least an 8 month to a year old dog - which is still considered a puppy. (although he did say a 5 month old puppy was pushing it - so I may be able to talk him down to 6 or 7 months? haha) I'm beyond excited since I've come to terms as to the real reasons I want a puppy so bad.

(1) because chris has ginger. even though ginger is both of ours, she's a daddy's girl for sure. she cuddles with him more on the couch and gets more excited to see him than me. I want a puppy to be care for & to cuddle with & will excited to see me after work.

(2) because I'm itching for a baby. yup. that's right. even though I'm still not 100% sure if I even want to have kids, I have this uncontrollable feeling whenever I see a baby to think awww, I want one. and baby lorelai doesn't help. she is the cutest dangest baby ever. I'm so attracted to this little human being that is so new to everything around her and finds everything interesting and amusing. her excitement to learn intrigues me. the fact that she knows certain things - if you need comfort, she'll pat your back - is amazing. and when I play with her, it reminds me of how simple life can be. how covering your eyes & uncovering them can be so amusing. how good it feels when you learn something new like tying your shoe. she reminds me that life isn't always complicated and stressful. I want my own to bring me that kinda joy every day.

but not right now. not for a while. and not until I get over the fact that I can safely carry a child and it won't be that bad to push it out of my vagina or get a c-section. because right now, that's what I fear the most. I'm hoping a puppy will fool my body into thinking it's like a child so this "itching" can go away.

chris said we can get a puppy soon but not until we move into our house. well thank god our house will be done in about three weeks now! so I'm guessing that in about 5-6 weeks I will have operation: new dog complete.

here's some cute guys I've found so far.

I'd name her moly (short for molybdenum) I'm not sure how old she is - young is what the place say - but she's a pit/lab/shepard mix.

this guy is 7 months old & crate trained. I'm thinking he's a nitro (short for nitrogen of course)

this guy is about 5 months old (they think) & is a lab/pit mix & I love his paws! I'm not sure what I'd name him quite yet though...maybe zirconium or helium?

I've always wanted a beagle puppy! but I could never find any for adoption in arizona so I basically gave up. except I found these little guys on craigslist! aww I want one so bad. I'd name him copper. :)

hopefully I can find one that'll be available the end of may or early june (the beagle puppies are ready may 25th!). we'll see what the boy says.

commonalities

not only was my beloved puppy adopted this weekend, but Chris also gave me a big fat no. no puppies. (even though he's promised me one.) so I'm on the hunt for a the youngest dog I can get that is crate-trained since that's what we'll mainly have to rely on until it gets old enough to behave in our new home. I found a few, just gotta wait on the approval from the other. I'll keep you posted on operation: new puppy young, well trained, dog.

on a side note - I was talking with a coworker last week who has gotten divorced & has since remarried. since everyone around the offices know that I'm recently engaged, she gave me a bit of advice: you must have great communication & marry someone you have a lot in common with.

whooaaa. hold on there. what was that now? great communication and a lot in common. shit. looks like I'm on the road to divorce.

so I spend the next couple of days down in the dumps. I've always known that chris & I had beyond horrible communication skills - something I keep hoping we'll take time to get some help on - but I didn't think about stuff we have in common, or lack thereof. I started breaking down the facts - at least in my head. I just couldn't think of any one thing that we both have enjoy doing - that we both have a passion for.

we went to the boyce thompson arboretum this weekend & chris kept saying how this lady he knows got married there & how we should get married there. & I told him that I wouldn't want to get married there because, even though we both love nature & stuff, we're not nature/flower freaks & I'd feel like we'd be lying. & then I got to thinking about couples that have those kind of themed weddings that represent who they are as a couple & junk. like couples that love sailing/boating so they get married at sea. or couples that love nature & are hippie-like & get married at an arboretum. chris & I wouldn't be able to do that because we both don't have a passion for something.

I got even more depressed & down so I tried to talk to chris about it. well since we have shitty communication he got frustrated & upset & started acting like I was trying to pick a fight - which I wasn't - I was just trying to voice a genuine concern of mine - that we don't have anything in common & that we're gonna get bored with each other. we argued back & forth when I finally got up & went to my parents & simply asked: "what is the one thing you guys have in common that you both have a passion for?"

my mom looked at my dad with her famous disappointed face (implying that they don't really have one) & my dad flat out said that the don't really have one. but then he went on to say that what has made them work & what has made them get along all these years was that he lets her do her own thing & she lets him do his own thing. they let each other be independent. they still like doing things together, but there isn't one main thing they have in common that they both have a passion for.

ok. I'll buy it. but then I got to thinking even more (I must've done a lot of thinking this weekend - maybe that's why I have a headache this morning) - why do you have to have a lot in common with the person you spend your life with. yeah it's great to do the things you love with someone else, but wouldn't that make you sick of that person quicker? wouldn't it be best to have a few things in common & keep your independence? maybe that way you have time to miss the other - maybe it makes the time you do spend together more meaningful since you do stuff apart. I'm not saying couples that have a lot in common are going to fail, but I don't think it should be pounded in our heads that you need to have a lot in common with the person you're with.

chris & I may not have a lot in common, but the stuff we do binds us together. & we make compromises. I've always loved basketball, something chris never really used to pay attention to, & now we're half-season ticket holders & he's bought his own jersey to wear. I...well...I think chris has made more compromises to my likings than I have to his. I should change that. anyways, we love doing stuff together, but we also value the time we have apart. I think that keeps us sane. when I was with TJ & he wanted to do everything together & spend every moment I'm in town together, I was going crazy. I couldn't handle that. I think it just depends on the person. if you're the kind who needs space, you should be with someone who needs space. if you're one who loves company, then yeah, you should have a lot in common. but not me. I'm happy.

easy solution

talked to chris last night. voiced my concerns about having to give up my dream wedding and having to change what my idea of a dream wedding was multiple times and yada yada. we came to the conclusion that it is smarter and overall better if we push back the wedding a few more months. because each additional month is a shitload of money. as well as more time to plan our dream. it will also give us time to settle into our house and start paying off our student loans. he was totally fine with the idea and completely agreed. overall: brilliance.

and now I get my fall wedding. :)

Part Three Point Five: continuing to grow

I was chowing down on edamame when I, for some reason, thought back to my last post and wondered why I wrote that 3-part saga thing in the first place. Then I remembered - I was inspired by Emery's post about unforgiveness. So I wanted to say a few things on that note.

After all Chris & I had been through, I've had a lot of trouble getting over a couple of things. There are times I think to myself, how can I possibly marry someone who can't be there for me when I lose a loved one? I can't fathom how someone who supposedly cares about you is willing to make the decision to party it up with friends and acquaintances. I just can't put my head around the fact that he knew I was in a great deal of pain and sadness and he chose not to be there for me. I have always been there for him, anytime he allowed me to. So how can I be sure that he'd support and comfort me if a similar situation occurs?

I'm not certain I can be sure he'd be there. He's apologized and claims he will, but I don't think I'm ready to be completely sure yet. Although it brings me great pain and suffering when I think about what he's done, I can't dwell on the past. Once I put my new engagement ring on my finger I gave all my trust to him again. That may be stupid, but I don't think he'll screw it up this time.

We'll always stick together.