on a side note - I was talking with a coworker last week who has gotten divorced & has since remarried. since everyone around the offices know that I'm recently engaged, she gave me a bit of advice: you must have great communication & marry someone you have a lot in common with.
whooaaa. hold on there. what was that now? great communication and a lot in common. shit. looks like I'm on the road to divorce.
so I spend the next couple of days down in the dumps. I've always known that chris & I had beyond horrible communication skills - something I keep hoping we'll take time to get some help on - but I didn't think about stuff we have in common, or lack thereof. I started breaking down the facts - at least in my head. I just couldn't think of any one thing that we both have enjoy doing - that we both have a passion for.
we went to the boyce thompson arboretum this weekend & chris kept saying how this lady he knows got married there & how we should get married there. & I told him that I wouldn't want to get married there because, even though we both love nature & stuff, we're not nature/flower freaks & I'd feel like we'd be lying. & then I got to thinking about couples that have those kind of themed weddings that represent who they are as a couple & junk. like couples that love sailing/boating so they get married at sea. or couples that love nature & are hippie-like & get married at an arboretum. chris & I wouldn't be able to do that because we both don't have a passion for something.
I got even more depressed & down so I tried to talk to chris about it. well since we have shitty communication he got frustrated & upset & started acting like I was trying to pick a fight - which I wasn't - I was just trying to voice a genuine concern of mine - that we don't have anything in common & that we're gonna get bored with each other. we argued back & forth when I finally got up & went to my parents & simply asked: "what is the one thing you guys have in common that you both have a passion for?"
my mom looked at my dad with her famous disappointed face (implying that they don't really have one) & my dad flat out said that the don't really have one. but then he went on to say that what has made them work & what has made them get along all these years was that he lets her do her own thing & she lets him do his own thing. they let each other be independent. they still like doing things together, but there isn't one main thing they have in common that they both have a passion for.
ok. I'll buy it. but then I got to thinking even more (I must've done a lot of thinking this weekend - maybe that's why I have a headache this morning) - why do you have to have a lot in common with the person you spend your life with. yeah it's great to do the things you love with someone else, but wouldn't that make you sick of that person quicker? wouldn't it be best to have a few things in common & keep your independence? maybe that way you have time to miss the other - maybe it makes the time you do spend together more meaningful since you do stuff apart. I'm not saying couples that have a lot in common are going to fail, but I don't think it should be pounded in our heads that you need to have a lot in common with the person you're with.
chris & I may not have a lot in common, but the stuff we do binds us together. & we make compromises. I've always loved basketball, something chris never really used to pay attention to, & now we're half-season ticket holders & he's bought his own jersey to wear. I...well...I think chris has made more compromises to my likings than I have to his. I should change that. anyways, we love doing stuff together, but we also value the time we have apart. I think that keeps us sane. when I was with TJ & he wanted to do everything together & spend every moment I'm in town together, I was going crazy. I couldn't handle that. I think it just depends on the person. if you're the kind who needs space, you should be with someone who needs space. if you're one who loves company, then yeah, you should have a lot in common. but not me. I'm happy.
Greg and I got into an argument about this the other day as well. Must be something in the air...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think it's not a matter of things you have in common so much as how much you're willing to compromise. Greg and I have very little in common. Movies, books, art, fashion, some music, pastimes, you name it, we're almost at different ends of the spectrum giving each other the bird. BUT, I've learned to just live and let live. If he wants to play WOW (yeah, he got back into that again...) then I'll go downtown after I put Jack to bed and go get coffee or something. After enough time spent on our own activities the want to hang out builds and one of just says "dude, we need a movie and sushi, like now." And usually it's good. You get QUALITY time spent together rather than just being attached to the hip doing nothing.
I think all of the growth you two have done as a couple since you two got back together has been amazing. I have no doubts that once the big day comes you'll both be at a place that will leave you two looking forward to what awaits at the end of the alter.
I absolutely agree. I always thought it was a big deal and that we are doomed for failure since we didn't have much in common but after what my dad said, it clicked. and you said it perfectly. and it's fun learning to like new things that you didn't think you'd like because you're doing it for them or what not. but at the same time, it's nice to have some freedom. isn't that where we live? the land of the free. haha.
ReplyDelete& thanks for your comment about us. that really means a lot and makes me actually believe we've grown & that we'll make it (I mean if other people think/see/believe it, then it must be true! it's not all in my head). so thanks. :-)
I'm glad everything's going well between you two as well.