what if I fall along the way, would you be there to ease the pain?

I'm not sure what I hate more. The fact that I come back to Tucson to emptiness. Or the fact that I leave everything I care about in AJ. Maybe it's just one of those days. The days when you feel like the whole world's against you. When you feel like God (or whatever ultimate power) is just throwing every challenge at you just to see if you can dodge every single one or if you'll crumble. My last few years have been insane and heart wrenching. Heartache after heartache, exhaustion after exhaustion, drama after drama - it seems like it's a never ending cycle of shittyness. And no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to pull myself out of this hole. It's like I see the sun shining through the water, but no matter how hard I swim, I just can't break the surface. And I sit here, on days like this, and wonder if I'll ever make it to the surface - if I'll ever be just happy, go-lucky, bubbly Alicia. I used to be such a positive person, before college. And now I sometimes barely recognize myself.

Breaking up with someone you care about and have cared about for nearly four years is not easy. I have gone through so much pain and heartbreak with Chris, but it's still not easy. And it's mainly because of his lack of a reaction. He seems fine - moving on so easily. No pain. No heartbreak. Nothing. Did I really invest four years of my life in him for nothing? Did I really put myself through so much pain and hell to make things work for nothing? Did he ever want it to work? Those are questions haunting me tonight. It's like he never appreciated anything I did. Like I wasn't some life-changing person. Like I was pretty much nothing. He doesn't seem like he's coping. Am I surprised - I mean, really? The main reason I broke up with him was because of his lack of emotion. But I just didn't think he would let me walk away so easily - not even try to fight for us. It just shows me how important our relationship was to him. And that's what hurts the most for me. Yes, I miss our future goals and hopes and yes I loved him. But I've spent so much time crying and hurting and suffering that I honestly just don't have any more tears to cry about him. But seeing him not shed a tear - that hurts. A lot. And I know he knows about TJ. And that doesn't really seem to bother him either. Nothing. I don't regret breaking up with him. Just seeing how much I mean to him makes me kind of regret not breaking up with him sooner.

I miss my tata. He was such an amazing individual. June marked 6 months since he left us.

And I was so scared of thinking about it and being around family, I sort of avoided my mom and hung out with friends all day. I felt bad and still do, but it doesn't change the fact that I still miss him. Every time I make a wish over the railroad tracks, I just wish he's eating lots of frijoles and tamales and is happy with nana in heaven. As each month goes by, I become more and more terrified. The year 2009 has been somewhat good to me. I have grown so much this year. I have improved myself in so many ways - just like my tata would have wanted. But I know that once November comes around it's all going to go out the window. All the traditions - gone. And I honestly don't know what to do. Who's going to say grace at Thanksgiving dinner? Who's gonna make beans for Tea & I Christmas morning? I can't go on. I'm not ready yet...

And to top it all off, with all this shittyness I'm feeling right now, I have no one to go to. I've spent the past two days decorating and organizing my own room. And now I'm sitting here, at my Ikea desk I put together all by myself, alone. I write this as Chris comes in to put a hand on my shoulder and dance on my bed...I guess some things will never change.