tell me that you'll open your eyes...

I've been torn. For a very long time, I've been torn. It's been almost four years and I sometimes just don't feel it. I don't feel the magic anymore. And every time I try, I feel like I just get shut down. Rejected. Punched in the face even (not literally). It's exhausting. It's stressful. It's frustrating. But most of all, it's hurtful. Mainly because he just doesn't see it. He doesn't get it. I've wanted to give up before but realized that I'm not the kind of person to just give up. Never have been, never will be. So I kept trying. But now, I feel just so exhausted that I'm on the verge of either breaking down or just giving up.

These past two or three weeks have sucked. Sure, I finished my last spring semester of my college career. But Chris, being the procrastinator he is, decided to wait until the last two weeks of school to do every assignment that was ever assigned during the semester. (Not sure if that's completely true, but sure does seem like it.) So I haven't been able to really talk to Chris. Nor have I been able to just hang out & watch tv with him. Nor have I really been able to sleep next to him. (And don't even ask about our "intimate" life.) I've felt alone and neglected for what seems like to be forever. And it didn't help that I already felt neglected by him in a way. I have worked so hard this semester to avoid having to pull an all-nighter like I did last semester. I worked so hard to keep myself healthy and stress-free. I feel like he has decided to ignore the fact that stress causes horrible things, like, I dunno, seizures. To me it's ridiculous. People (Roy) keep telling me, well at least he's doing it. Yeah ok. True. But I still feel like it shoulda been done already.

So I've been down. I haven't been in the mood to "deal" with him for the last few weeks. I was annoyed and pissed that he didn't care how much I was hurt. I didn't really wanna talk to him. We've had a silent few weeks. And then I came home. He stayed in Tucson. I figured he wouldn't call (like he usually doesn't) but he did. But I was still annoyed.

Then I watch tonight's season finale of Grey's Anatomy. So sad. I hate when they end seasons like that. Anyways, the moral of the episode is that anything can happen and sometimes bad things happen unexpectedly. And sometimes, before you know it, people you love and care about die all of the sudden. It sucks. But that's life. So it was emphasized that it is important to let those you love & care about that you do love them before you never get the chance to (resulting in Meredith telling cold Yang that she loved her - as a friend of course). So I decided to suck up my stubborness and get over myself and give Chris a call. To let him know I love him. So after I told him what happened on Grey's and that I I loved him, he changes the subject completely to tell me that he was going over to Kevin's soon and that Lindsey was picking him up in a bit. I had to ask him to repeat himself because I couldn't believe what I heard. Lindsey - crazy Lindsey. Sure she wasn't Lauren, but this was Lindsey. Clingy, super-emotional, drama queen Lindsey. Going to hang out with my boyfriend - my fiance - and his friends. I don't even really hang out with his friends. I've hung out with them before, but they're just not really the people I hang out with. All they do is act all macho & prove to each other how macho they are and drink. Not my crowd really. But definitely Lindsey's. So here is this girl, who I know has hooked up with Chris, going to drink with Chris & his friends. And what am I worried about? That his friends will like her & think she's so cool because she can drink (can someone say alcoholic?). Then there's me. Little quiet Alicia. 

That's not even the biggest thing. What I find lame is that I was telling him how much I love him & he interupts me to say "oh, Lindsey just called, I'll call you back." Excuse me? That slut can wait. This was the first time that I really talked to him and stuff. What the hell? I feel like I have priority over some crazy friend who you haven't seen or talked to for like ever. Don't I?

So now I'm back to those classic negative thoughts that haunted me years ago. The ones that make me doubt everything. The ones that ruin my day. But at least he told me he was hanging out with her and not trying to hide it like he always does. But, still. It sucks when you're trying to tell someone you love them, and they decide to talk to someone else. Lameness. And now I feel insecure. I've never been an insecure person. But it seems like he thinks Lindsey's more fun than I am and knows how to have a good time (because she's an alcoholic!). His friends are gonna think she's cooler and before I know it, I'm being replaced by her. WTF?! When is he going to see the things I've done for him? When will he realize that I've made his life soo much better? I know it sounds conceited, but seriously. Before he met me. He was working as a server, lying to customers, and a college drop out. I told him go back to school. I went with him when he signed up for his classes again. I was there when he lost his jobs. I was there when he got his internships. I got him to stop wasting his life to pot. I made him someone his mom can be proud of (her words - she's told/thanked me before). So you can call me conceited, but I don't care. I'm grateful for what he's done for me, no doubt. But I would still be finishing college with or without him. I don't know if I can say the same for him...But he doesn't see it. I feel like he just sees me as just a girlfriend. Not someone he can live without. Not someone he enjoys spending time with. How do I know this? Honestly, I don't. I can only assume from his actions (such as tonight's episode) because he doesn't tell me things. I really don't think that's how it's supposed to be - I don't think that's what true love is...

I'm not saying I don't love Chris. I'm just not so sure he loves me as much as I love him sometimes.

And I'm still waiting for him to call back...an hour later...

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thanks for taking the time to add some input and love :)