for a while, my life was hectic. I seemed to always be running somewhere, signing papers for our house, buying furniture, visiting family, celebrating chris's graduation and so. and I felt like I was always looking forward to or stressing about something: moving into our house, basketball games (whhhhyyyy god why?!), getting a new puppy. but all of the sudden I feel my life is at a standstill. we're moved into our house. the suns season is over and therefore basketball season is over to me. (I should care about who wins the playoffs but I'm just not ready to move on.) and we got pepper. there's no more big monumental events coming up that I'm excited about or dreading. I feel like my life suddenly got so boring.
but what's worst, is that the reality of the fact that I have the free time now to "plan" my wedding is sinking in. uuuuggggh. ever time I think about it, I feel overwhelmed with the things that need to get done which in turns makes me dread the process all together. sure, girls are supposed to be ecstatic and embrace the wedding planning process. so why am I dreading it?
I'm not really sure to be honest. but it probably has something to do with this sick feeling in my stomach I get every time I think about getting married. a feeling that is all too familiar and that I've been trying to avoid for the last six months or so. the one that when the fire is lit, it engulfs my heart in flames. doubt. I hate him. we are absolute enemies. he is the sole reason so much pain and heartache that has driven me crazy in the past. he stalked me during my sophomore year of college and I allowed him into my head which really made my life take a plunge. grades dropped and the waterfall of tears seemed never ending. and he always reminds me the same damn thing: "you and chris are not going to last. you'll most likely end up in divorce." I don't know why he comes back during the worst times. hell we just bought a house! why are you knocking at my door? I can't let you in. I'm in a contract binding chris and I together.
thing is, doubt came into my life early in chris and mine's relationship and he refused to leave for years. he's the reason for so many nights of breakdowns, meltdowns, sobbing to the point where I can't breathe, crying myself to sleep, and causing chris much grief and misery as well. he made me a negative, hateful person. I hate what doubt did to me. it ultimately drove chris and mine's relationship to the ground.
then last year, after my tata passed away, I made a commitment to myself that I was going to do better with my life. life is too short. I wasn't going to let anything bring me down anymore. and I was going to finally get that bastard doubt out of my head. I was going to improve my life and myself. but I ended up giving into doubt's words anyways and broke up with chris. although, that break we had was so good for us because it gave me the time and resources I needed to grow up and realize my life can't be controlled by doubt or fear or depression (other enemies of mine). and when chris and I got back together, things were better than ever because I didn't open the door for doubt anymore. I wasn't fooled that things were wrong in our relationship. I was happy.
but doubt must've snuck through the dog door or something because here I am facing him again. I try my hardest to push him away, but he's a persistent little bastard. I try to convince myself that things are going great and we'll be able to work out our problems soon enough. but now that I'm face with the reality that I should start planning my wedding, not only does doubt keep talking in my ear, but here comes fear too. fear that maybe I am just headed for divorce. fear that we won't be able to work out our issues. fear that I'm going to hurt him again. fear that maybe I'm still not ready to get married.
I'm hoping this weekend will help me get excited about planning my wedding again. I hope it will lock fear and doubt out of my house and let me move on with my life. my bridesmaids (tracy, nell, megan, and tea) are coming over for a mary kay makeover thing I won online. maybe they'll give me reassurance and confidence. I'm hoping I'll feel better about everything without actually having to address it. because I gotta get this bus moving. we've still gotta book the venue. there's so much I need to do. I feel so overwhelmed that I just want to go to the aj court to just have a quick civil ceremony with just two witnesses. or maybe run off to elope somewhere. just get the dang thing over with.
but I still fear that doubt is right about everything. I mean, if he keeps coming back after all these years, could he be right?