quick pepper update

copper flotation done at mines

I've been super uber stressed about the whole sick puppy situation that I've been very depressed and down in the dumps lately. every time I see pepper poop nasty, runny shit, I cry a little inside. I've never been so attentive to shit before. and here I am examining every shit pepper takes to see if it's thickened up yet or if it's a nice brown color - as opposed to a mucus-y color - or if it's bloody. half the day it looks decent and as if it's improving and then the other half it doesn't look good. it's very discouraging. you get your hopes up when it looks good in the afternoon only to get them shut down the next morning. we took a sample (ugh-blegh-uoh) to the vet for them to do a "fecal flotation" on. (every time I think about the "fecal flotation" I picture them floating shit in a similar way they float copper in mineral processing where the copper minerals attach to the bubbles and are skimmed off the top of a cell - see above - now picture that with dog shit instead of copper - ha.) we should get the results sometime today. they think maybe she has another infection in her intestines and gave us some more meds. other than her shit, she's doing alright, I suppose. still active. still playful. still eats as much as we give her. just skin and bones. not sure how long a puppy can survive without fat. I hope it's long enough for her intestines to settle the fuck down.

anyway, I've been so stressed about her, it's hard to enjoy life. I don't get any sleep because I have to rush downstairs every time pepper needs to shit and I instantly wake up when I do fall asleep only to freak out and panic and make sure pepper's still breathing. so I don't feel like doing much during the day. I hate having to leave because I should be taking care of her. and I HATE that I can only feed her 1-2 tablespoons every 2-4 hours. 1-2 tablespoons ain't shit. that's a nibble. and when she's done nibbling, she looks at you with her big dark eyes and cries for more, but you can't give her more because you know it's just going to make her vomit and have diarrhea.  and I have to constantly struggle to get her to take three now four pills twice a day. I have to constantly keep my eye on her so I know if she throws up or takes a shit or anything. it's exhausting. I know it's "what you get when you get a puppy" - but this is a sick puppy. healthy puppies require slightly less attention. you don't panic over a healthy puppy. and you don't constantly worry your healthy puppy is going to not make it.

it's exhausting. mentally and physically. and when I get exhausted - mentally and physically - I get depressed and pessimistic and hateful and negative and yada yada yada. and I also get sick. just waiting for that to happen. but it's hard to enjoy life. some people may not understand how a puppy - that I've only had for 3 weeks - could make me so depressed. but she's like my baby. she's the closest thing I'll have to a newborn baby. and she's sick.

I've said before that I'm not really religious, but I've been praying. if pepper gets through this, I'll definitely reconsider my beliefs. all I know is, if there is a god, he has the ability to help homeless children and unfortunate families as well as sick puppies. dammit, he can do it all. he is god (for god's sake - I'm going to hell). I do want to make clear that a healthy pepper probably won't guarantee that I'll start going to church (it'll be a bitch trying to convince chris to do that one) but a healthy pepper will let me "allow" him into my life or whatever. but that's a different story. regardless, there's not much else I can do other than pray for her health. we're doing everything we can. we talk to the vet almost daily trying to get advice. and we follow their instructions as best as we can. there's not much else to do other than pray.