back to square one

pepper's not doing too swell again. it breaks my heart. yesterday was supposed to be the first day of us "weening" her off the bland prescription food and back to her regular good. I was super excited because that meant we'd be fattening her up and she won't look like skin and bones anymore. I think we gave her too much regular food though because she's got diarrhea and has been vomiting. last night she had to go out every half an hour. after the 50th time of waking up and letting her out (at around 11:30) I ended up just letting her stay outside (she didn't want to come back in) and sleeping on the couch. I still woke up every 30 minutes or so, though, so I could make sure she was still out there and alive. and she's been lethargic again. she doesn't want to play with ginger. she doesn't want to nip at your feet. she just lies there. it absolutely breaks my heart.

when we first heard pepper's got parvo, I cried so much. my heart was broken then. they gave her fluids under her skin (which created a huge bulge on her back) which made her whine and squirm. I literally felt my heart ache watching her go through that pain. she's just a puppy (which, by the way, lessens her chance of survival) - not even 2 months old. she doesn't deserve this. she is a complete sweetheart. they gave her four shots as well which just made more tears flow down my face. I felt like a waterfall. I couldn't stop crying. I imagine it feels like watching your young child having to go through various shots and pain. not only did it ache watching her in pain, I was terrified. what if she doesn't make it? my eyes well up thinking about it now.

so yesterday, when I discovered she was acting the way she did a week ago - sad, sick, and not wanting to do anything - I cried so much again. she really doesn't deserve this. and I feel horrible. I didn't know what we were doing going into this so my confidence in being able to cure her ourselves wasn't very high. (on the other hand, I didn't know if leaving her to be taken care of by strangers woulda helped either.) but when she started acting like her normal self and eating and vomiting/diarrhea stopped, I was so hopeful and so positive that we'd be able to kick this damn thing. and yesterday, I feel like I was just crushed - stomped on by the giant foot of god or whatever. he must really be testing me. I think he wants to watch me fall apart. again. and I feel horrible since it's probably our fault she's sick again. we really have sucked at this at-home treatment stuff. we can't seem to get anything right.

bundled up after a quick "swim" (6/16/10)
but I love her so much. I can't lose her. so we're not giving up. we just realized that we need to be slower in weening her back to normal food. we'll be giving her just the canned stuff until the diarrhea stops. then we'll just add a tiny bit of her regular food and slowly keep adding some until she's better again. she's a tough cookie, that's for sure.

I'm stressed out about so many things right now, it's not even funny. I feel like any moment, and small action or word, will break me. every moment of the day, I'm fighting back tears. everything isn't going my way these days. but more on that shit later.

1 comment:

  1. Alicia, you need to stop blaming yourself for things that happen. Life isn't easy. Sometimes bad things happen and sometimes things don't go the way you planned. That is the nature of life. Don't beat yourself up because of stuff for which you have no control. Pepper got sick; it's not your fault. So she had a relapse-- also not your fault. Just keep on keeping on.


thanks for taking the time to add some input and love :)