to be completely honest...

I am scared of getting married.

I love chris. there's no doubt about that. he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know that. but when I think about our wedding and all the planning and stuff that goes into it, my stomach gets in knots. I start breathing heavily. my heart starts beating faster. I feel overwhelmed. and I feel like I don't deserve my fairy tale day. I've always told people that I didn't want an extravagant wedding - and I still don't believe I do - but at the same time, maybe I do. I do want a perfect day - at least perfect in my eyes. I do want it to be beautiful. and I do want plants and flowers and lights everywhere. but at the same time, everything I want cost money. and not just a little bit of money - my dream wedding is hella expensive. I still want it to be simple, but elegant at the same time. but my idea of my dream wedding is expensive. so I guess in that way, it is extravagant.

but we can't afford a wedding that costs $15,000. I just graduated college. chris hasn't even graduated yet. we just started our jobs - yes they pay well but we have student loans to pay off and we just bought a house. we can't save up enough money by march of next year. no way. not without living and buying anymore stuff for our house. and when I think about the fact that I'm not going to have my dream wedding, I get sad. and then I get angry. I get sad, because every bride should have their dream wedding. and then I feel angry like I'm being a spoiled princess. it's tearing my apart. I shouldn't be crying because I'm not getting what I want. I should be happy that I'm marrying such a wonderful guy. but why should I give up something I've always dreamt of?

I tell chris I'm ok with something simpler but I'm not so sure I am. I'm not sure if I can handle the stress and task of putting together my dream wedding by myself. I've been beyond stressed just trying to find a venue that meets my dream (something with a beautiful view & plants/flowers). and now I have to try and find a banquet hall type thing for our reception? and on top of that I have to find a florist, photographer, amazing dj, an officiant, a caterer, a cake maker, invitations, and decorations?! are you kidding me? the all-inclusive plans from my favorite venues were expensive, yes, but it saves me that trouble and stress. I won't have to spend every night crying because I feel overwhelmed. because I don't wanna settle for less. I don't want my wedding to look tacky or cheap. so I'm gonna have a hella-hard time trying to find the right stuff to match my dream. and I'm afraid it's gonna end up being more expensive in the end.

and when it comes down to it, I don't want to plan my wedding.

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thanks for taking the time to add some input and love :)