let's be real

lately I've been further than down in the dumps and I seem to always lose my creative outlet when I fall down. because I get tired of always writing or talking about my frustrations and my pain and this and that. every time I have a conversation with my mom or close friends, or every time I write a blog, the topic of how chris and I are doing always arises. and then things get depressing really quickly. this is when I'm forced to realize how unhappy I am. it forces me to think, well, if I'm really this unhappy, then I should do something about it. but I don't want to. because I feel like my only option is to end things and move on. and I don't think I'm ready for that (no matter how much I tell myself I am).

I read blogs that are positive and uplifting and filled with joy and happiness. and then I write about sadness and heartache and I feel lame. it's one thing to write or talk about sadness every so often, but to do it every day? I get frustrated that I'm not positive and always bubbly. no one wants to hear or read that. I feel like the debbi-downer no one wants to talk to at the party. but surely I can't be the only one struggling with life. I need to stop trying to be happy go-lucky like everyone else and just be me. even if I'm a little unhappy at this stage of my life. at least it's real. I won't be lying to myself or anyone else anymore. and I will take responsibility for my life. if I want it to be different, I will need to change it. maybe writing it down will motivate me to take charge of my life. but I need to stop lying to myself and trying to only write about bubbly and happy things. if I don't feel it, why write it?

so that's it. I'm frustrated and to the end of my rope about my relationship with chris. but I'm not giving up. not just yet. I haven't exhausted all my options. chris finally made an appointment for us to see a couples counselor. I've been begging him for months and now that he's finally done it, I'm terrified and almost want to bail. but I need to face all the issues we have in order to make it work. I don't want to get into every little issue that happened with us and I'm hoping we won't have to - I just want to be able to find an effective way we can communicate with each other. so that from here on out we'll be able to work out issues and work together on the life we want to share. I definitely don't want to bring up December 2008 and pray that it won't come up. because (a) I don't know if I can keep my composure and (b) I'm not completely sure that I've forgiven chris yet. but can you really ever forgive someone for not being there for you when you need them most? is it better to forgive but not forget or forget and not forgive?

every day is a struggle for me to be happy, I'll be honest. sometimes I feel like the world's against me. if it's not one thing, it's another. when things are going decent, something punches me in the gut and knocks me back down. it seems to never end. but I don't give up. every day I wake up and think to myself that today's going to be different. today I will honestly be happy. sometimes it works, and sometimes I fail.

chris and I had a huge talk last weekend and for once I saw got a glimpse of him through a window he opened. we got into December 2008 and he opened up about when he had to go through it before we met (in 2005). he cried. (more like balled - definitely took me by surprise.) and when he regained his composure, he said, "I've never told anyone that before."

and then I cried. I told him that for 5 years I've waited for a moment like that. a moment where I felt needed - where I felt important to someone else. I felt like he trusted me enough to open his heart and let me in - even if it was for a brief moment. I felt good. I felt amazing.

so I believe that I may be starting to get through to him. that's why I'm giving it one more shot. and now that we have this counseling session, I know he really wants to work it out. so I'm hopeful. the 28th was our 5 year anniversary. things have been alright this week.

and then my brand new hard drive to my brand new computer died. so I don't get to upload any pictures from our vacation in new york. just like I said, when things seem to be going good, something falls apart. I just hope pray that I'll be able to recover my pictures. this weekend I'm hoping to take a little trip since it's a 3-day weekend. we'll see how that goes too. I'm not going to be negative. I'm just going to go with the flow.

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thanks for taking the time to add some input and love :)