everything will be alright

I left our first couple's counselling session frustrated and upset. it was nothing like I expected. it's not because the therapist dogged on me or anything - she barely talked to me! there didn't seem to be much couples counselling at all! I started off with my goal of the counselling (to find an effective way to communicate with each other) and one of my issues (chris doesn't communicate...at all) and from there on out it was a chris counselling session. the lady focused on chris and why he doesn't communicate and this and that. and in the end, she tells us, "you're not ready for couples counselling."

um ok. is that because you didn't even ask me how this makes me feel or anything?

she told us that we should spend an hour every day talking about real things. she suggested things I should do to try to get chris to talk. I fought so hard to keep the tears back but she saw it in my face. the thing is I've tried everything she suggested. and it hasn't worked. it is exhausting trying to get someone to talk to you - it really is. so she told me if it's so exhausting, then don't do it. WTF?! so what am I supposed to do? give up?? how am I supposed to have an hour long conversation with someone when any conversation we have is from me starting and dragging it out?

when it was over I felt defeated. I felt like we were at our last option and that it wasn't going to help any because all she did was tell me something I already knew: that chris has issues with communication. she wanted us to do individual counselling first with our first session being a "background" session. it killed me because I knew there were more things for chris to sort out within himself than I had to sort out. I never had issues with communication. my parents are still happily married. we showed emotions in my family. I know what I want in life. any issues I have are with chris. I get frustrated when chris doesn't talk to me or show me affection and basically lash out. I thought we were going into this thing together - to work out issues together - and I thought we'd be coming out of this together. and now that doesn't seem to be the case.

but I'm starting to realize that this will be the only way for us to reach my goal. even though I was upset leaving the session, chris felt so good about it. he seemed positive and even slightly excited. chris is the one with the communication problems. I've done everything I can. so now an outside source needs to try to help him sort out his issues. and I can't help with that. and we won't be able to progress as a couple if chris isn't comfortable with himself. and I think chris believes that this lady will help him.

the hardest part is realizing that I'm going to have to do even more waiting. I'm now forced to sit and wait until chris sorts out his issues. and I don't know if I can't handle that. I'm exhausted. it's heartbreaking when your own boyfriend doesn't want to talk to you about anything. and I already feel so alone and depressed about our relationship that I don't know how much neglect I can take. but I'm determined to make it work so I have to be willing to do what needs to be done. and this may help chris so much. I hope it helps him so much. because it's going to be hard for him to get through life not showing any emotions or talking with people.

so I just have to suck it up and go with the flow. and hope everything falls together in the end.

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thanks for taking the time to add some input and love :)