Why don't you come right out and say it, even if the words are gonna hurt, we're better off this way

Before I start, I must say, this whole having Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays off things is going to make me broke unless I get a job, and I mean soon. Because I have to pass my time some how, and now that I have my own car, I have the power and freedom to go anywhere - including the mall. So I really hope I hear back from Freeport about me worknig part-time this semester so that I can fill my days off with something other than spending money. And then when I make money, I won't feel guilty when I buy adorable shoes like these. :-) I was planning on going to Forever 21 to spend a quite a bit of money but once I got there I remembered how hard it is for me to find anything worth buying. They have some cute things, but for me I either don't like the color, or the cut, or the style all together. I did find an adorable plum colored dress that I ended up buying - but didn't spend nearly as much as I expected. And since I just went shopping with Tracy last weekend and I already pretty much hit all the other stores in Mesa so didn't really find anything there either. I stopped at Aldo to check their sale shoes and found some adorable pewter/silver flats that were on sale and asked to try them on. The sales lady also kindly brought out another pair she "thought I might like." And like them I did. So even though they were twice the amount of the pair I originally asked for, I decided to splurge a little for them, because they were just so dang cute!

Moving on. I love being happy. Really. It's a pretty awesome feeling to go to bed in a good mood and wake up in a good mood. I don't think I've been this happy consistently in a looong time. But admist of all the happiness, an issue has surfaced between John (formally known as TJ) and I. A pretty big issue. An issue of jealousy. It's nice to know he cares enough to be concerned, but I'm starting to think it's going to get super annoying super quick. Not to mention I fear having to choose. He doesn't like Chris. Understandable - kinda. I mean, yes, he's my ex. Yes, I was engaged to him. And yes, I still live with him. But that's over. I've moved on. He's moved on (I think). He's a really good friend of mine because he's been there for me to help me get through a lot of shit. I can't just cut him out of my life. He still helps me through a lot of shit. And I enjoy his company. What's wrong with that? If there's nothing between us anymore, why can't we just be friends?

And he doesn't like Roy. Not so understandable. They've never met. But I did tell him that he used to have a crush on me. But come on - he's never acted upon it or tried to take advantage of me or anything. And he respects me and the person I'm with. And I told him that I wasn't interested. We're just friends. We've had classes together for the past three years. He's my best Tucson friend and nothing more.

I don't know why he can't trust me. I've never given him a reason to not. And Roy and Chris haven't done anything to him to make him so hateful towards them. He gives me shit saying I don't understand that he's been seriously burned in the past. Oh, I understand. But I can't change the past. I'm not his ex. I'm just not that kind of person. And I don't hang out with shitty, no-good people. They're good, respectable people. Otherwise I wouldn't associate myself with them. I dunno. I just hope we can talk about it this weekend and get past it.

Why can't we just all get along? I'm not going to stop hanging out with my friends because they're guys and my boyfriend doesn't like them. Sorry. They have to figure out a way to manage and be ok with each other. Chris, Roy, & I have been hanging out for about a year. We do lunches and dinners together. I don't like eating alone and they're the only friends I really have in Tucson. And we all get along. And we have fun together. We're like the three musketeers. You can't just break up the three musketeers. That's like illegal.

the wedding march

Marriage. Oh marriage. There's some people who don't believe in marriage thinking it's pointless to make things official. They're the ones who believe that just loving someone unconditionally is enough to prove you want to spend the rest of their life with you. And then there's people who believe in the thought of marriage and think they're ready. They're the ones who think that two or three months (or anything less than a year) is all it takes to know someone. They also get divorce two or three months later.

I'm neither of those types of people. I think marriage is the union between two people who can't live without each other and who can live in peace with each other. Because you can't just marry someone you can't imagine your life without - you also have to be sure you can stand them and all their tendencies and quirks. I think a lot of people forget that. They get all caught up in the idea and initial sparks that come from a new relationship. I know so many people who rush into marriage after a short period of time of "complete happiness." Sorry, that's not enough for me. I want complete shittiness with someone before I marry them. I want to go through hard times because if you can get through a downfall with someone and they stick with you through it - I think they're worth it. Because if you get married and then you realize that they're not going to be there for you through tough times or be there to work things out with you - then you're either unhappy for the rest of your life or you're a divorcee. In some ways, I'm glad the past year happened because it really showed me the kind of guy Chris is and that his dedication to me wasn't as strong as mine was for him.

With that being said, I wouldn't want someone to proposed to me until we've been together for at least 4 years. I think this is long enough to really get an idea of the type of person he is. And I think four years gives plenty of time for those shitty downs that will really test our relationship and love. I think after being engaged with someone and it not working out has really made me more cautious when it comes to rushing things. I want to make sure the person I marry is not going to be the same person I divorce. I want to be 100% confident that he'll be there when I need him most and that he'll be there to catch my back. I have to know that I can trust him with my heart and the rest of my life before I give it to him. And I really don't think it's possible to know that in less than 4 years.

I think it's safe to say that around 75% of my high school class has gotten married since we've graduated. That's a lot. Especially since we're 22-23 years young. Gosh, we are so young. Why rush into marriage? We have so much to live for. And I know a lot of those people are in love and will spend the rest of their lives with that person, but I also know a lot of those people probably shouldn't be married yet. You can't love someone if you don't love yourself. And you can't marry someone and if you can't take care of and live by yourself. I wish all my married friends and aquaintences the best of luck, but that's just not me. I don't want to rush into someone so important and life changing. I want to take my time and make sure I make the right decision. Because I don't believe in divorce.

Since I'm on the topic of marriage, every girl dreams of an extravagant wedding. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a big, glorious wedding with the princess gown and flowers and candles everywhere. But if I had the choice between an expensive, extravagant wedding and an expensive, extravagant ring - I'd chose the ring hands down. Your wedding day is just that - a day. You have to capture the moments with pictures and memories. The ring - that'll last forever. You will look down at your hand and see it every day of your life. I dream of the perfect ring - it has to be sparkly. Very sparkly. The size isn't really that important - as long as it's sparkly. And I want little diamonds surrounding it. I just want it to be gorgeous. I want everyone to be jealous and gasp when I show them. :-) I don't think it's spoiled of me to ask - I don't ask/want diamonds and jewelry every anniversary or occassion. I want thoughtful gifts for those. I just want the perfect ring.

if I can turn back time...

I saw The Time Traveler's Wife tonight. I adore Rachel McAdams and thought the previews portrayed this cute chick flick movie but boy was I wrong. I suppose it's not a bad movie, persay, but it's definitely not what I expected it to be. Anyways, it got me thinking. If I could go back in time, would I?

There's so many things I wished I could change about my past. Tell Coulter I had the hugest crush on him. Let Kassie know I didn't want her to leave and stop being my best friend. Not be such a wreck over a one-week relationship. Work harder my sophomore year of college. Not spend all my money on the stupid MealPlan program. Not convince myself and Chris that we would last forever and that we should get married. Not let myself get tied up and lost.

But at the same time, they always say - everything you go through makes the person you are today. True. I would not be so cautious if it wasn't for my past. I wouldn't think twice, or even a third time, if it wasn't for the mistakes I've made. You can't live the next day without learning from your actions and decisions from the day before. You can't really live without making mistakes.

But if I could go back in time (& be able to control when and where I go) I'd go back to those priceless moments. Like playing with Tracy and Kassie in 4th grade. Watching Coulter and the guys play kickball in eighth grade. Going over to Tata's and watching the fish in his indoor pond. Playing video games with Scotty & Reuben. Being spontaneous with TJ at Domino's. Hanging out with Finn in Sarah & Liz's dorm room. Everything that makes me smile. It'd be nice to relive those memories every once in a while. I think.

most everything you do make me wanna smile...

Twenty two years ago, I was brought into this world. How lucky are my parents? Ha - I mean, how lucky am I? Seriously. I am one lucky gal. Today, I had an amazing birthday - one of the best birthdays I've had in a looong while. Spent time with the family. Got my GPS for Paula. Took forever getting ready with the help of my family. Went to John's (figured I gotta start calling him by his real name). Was greeted with beautiful flowers. Went to a delicious dinner at My Big Fat Greek Restaurant - had Opa! Went back to John's. Was treated with a full body massage. And just basically had an amazingly wonderful night. Not much happened - just hung out with my man. Amazing. Fantastic. Wonderful. So many words can describe my night. I am one lucky gal.

P/S: I love you. :-)

something of value but something untrue

It has been officialized. We have been officialized. And quite unexpectedly. I did not expect him to cave in yet. Sure, I had a feeling he was starting to feel something strong - especially after the weekend we spent together. But I didn't think he was ready just yet. Mainly because he told me he wasn't ready to commit yet. And as I've said, I was perfectly ok with that. But then last Friday came around and he insisted that I come over (usually, Friday nights are his nights to relax & I'll spend Saturday night and/or Sunday with him). And so I did. And as soon as I got there, I knew something was up. He said he had a bad day. Why? I asked. Because of the previous night.

Previously, the night before...After having dinner with some of the other interns, Jenna & Pui Foon, and Chris & Roy, Chris, Roy, & I decided to go out to Club Congress. It was pretty much the first time I really gone out in Tucson and figured it'd be a nice way to meet new people and just relax & have a good time. So we had a few drinks at my house first while playing Wii bowling, then headed over to CC. I was already pretty tipsy and then had a couple more drinks. Met up with my other friend Chris (Chris S. to be exact) and ran into Finn briefly. And overall I had a good time. Except for the awkwardness of dancing with my ex & best friend. But in the midst of it all, I kept in contact with TJ. He asked if I was driving - I said no, Roy was. And he said, "he better not hurt you." I informed Roy of this and Roy replies with "or what?" Now if he was serious or not, I couldn't tell you, but I was having trouble standing up straight let alone thinking straight. So maybe I tried to start some drama by relaying Roy's message to TJ. Well that didn't go well with TJ.

Continued to next day. So TJ informed me that Roy's comment pissed him off & that was all he thought about all day & how he wanted to kick Roy's ass. Whoops. I tried to calm him down - telling him it wasn't a big deal - that neither of them knew each other & he shouldn't take it so seriously - blah blah blah. And when I finally got him to somewhat forget about it, he explained to me that "the thing is, [he] wants to be in a relationship with [me]" and he knows this because he cared so much about me going out and hasn't been able to stop thinking about me since the previous weekend. Then he went on this huge thing about that while the whole time I was probably blushing hardcore.

In the end, all he had to say was, "So...will you go out with me?" I cracked up because I felt like I was in high school when someone passes you a note asking: "will you go out with me. check yes or no." It was so sweet and innocent. I spent the night with him that night. It was amazing. Just lying in his arms and cuddling next to him as he just held me close. Then waking up to him lying beside me, staring at me with a huge smile was a great way to wake up. He had to go to work on Saturday so he was all dressed in his work clothes, ready to leave and it was just cute. Definitely something I can get used to.

Sunday, he came over with Chloe (his dog) and we went swimming. Well, me, him, my parents, & Cheyenne went swimming. Chloe was too chicken (maybe next time). Then I went back to his place in the afternoon to hang out before I had to go back to Tucson. I took a "nap" while he made me dinner. (I say "nap" because I kept going in & out of sleep.) I did hear a conversation he had on the phone with his grandma - I heard him say that he was making dinner for his girlfriend, and yeah, "she's awesome - she's a keeper." :-)

I must be special enough for granny to know.

I'm not afraid of anything, even time...

I know it's all new. I know it's all fresh. And I know that there's a lot of lust going on. But I also feel like there's this strong connection between us. And it seems like this unexpectedly strong connection has just recently taken us by a huge surprise. I think this strong connection hit us after this past weekend was over. We were both taken aback come Monday morning and starting thinking into the situation - waaay too much...

Speaking on my behalf, all the sudden, all these fears engulfed me. Fears that I shouldn't be concerned about. I suddenly became aware that I was probably just as scared as he was about being in a relationship. For the past four years I've dedicated my life and soul to one person. One person who couldn't appreciate the person I was or the things I did for him. One person who didn't find enjoyment in making others happy. And that same person broke promise after promise and continuoulsy built me up for disappointment. I got to the point where I just figured that that's how it is - that what I had was good and I was lucky - that what I had was true love and happiness. That is all I know. That is all I have to base relationships off of. In other words, I've kinda gotten accustomed to the idea that I always get the short end of the stick - I always give but never receive. I worked so hard at my past relationship and never got anything out of it. So many times I got my hopes up just to have them smashed into the ground. So my biggest fear was getting attached & getting my hopes up just to have them crushed again...

On his behalf (summing up what he told me) he's afraid of commitment. See, he had this girlfriend who he thought was his "first love," only problem was: she was a crazy meth addict. His "first love" consisted of constant fighting, bailing her out, physical abuse (from what I understand he only pushed her once - more like a nudge - she on the other hand threw things at him & "beat" him up several times), verbal abuse (the kind where you say extremely hurtful things just to piss the other off), and her drug problem. He made the commitment to someone & she let him down. So because of that, he's unsure of commitment. He tends to run away when things get serious and/or good ("it's the cowboy" in him) - something he says he can't control (a constant worry I've had with him in particular - but I'll get into that later). Because he doesn't want to let someone hurt him again. He takes control of the situation before the girl takes control over him. So his biggest fear is caring too much about someone that makes him vulnerable to get hurt...

And there we both were. Over the weekend I began to get attached and hopeful of where we were going (thinking about fishing/camping trips we'd take and such) and he was beginning to care about me (he said that when I hang out with guys, he gets jealous - not crazy jealous, but enough to somewhat bother him - something that showed him he was starting to care, because before he never gave a shit if his other girlfriends hung out with guys). And it scared the shit out of us.

And to quickly explain why his running away tendencies was something that always worried me about him - back in 2005 is when I first met TJ. He was filling in as manager at the Domino's Chris Henry & I worked at (Chris Henry was actually the one who "formally" introduced us). He thought I was cute so he asked me out. I thought he was cute, so I said yes. He took me out to Saguaro Lake to watch the sunset. I was young and naive. I fell in "puppy love." Things were good after that. We "worked" together a few times ("worked" as in making out behind the dough trays in the back or in the storage room or in the walk-in freezer) and I got attached. A week later, he said it's not gonna work. Then he never talked to me again - completely cut off all ties with me. I texted & he never texted back. Nothing. I was heartbroken. Did I mention I was young & naive? It's ridiculous to think about today how much I cried over that. And when I did think about it a while later, I realized it was the best decision - to end it - because he got transfered to a different store (on the other side of Phoenix) and I was getting ready to graduate high school & move to Tucson for school. But it woulda been nice to hear that from him. Or to hear anything from him. Some kind of explanation. What kills me the most is not knowing. So I never had any formal "closure" with him. And I thought about him often after that. But what could I do? He ran away. So when he told me that running away was a bad habit of his, it reaffirmed what I already knew.

And now back to our night of frustration and worries and concerns (through text messaging). After we both revealed our fears I started thinking about one thing he said: "I have a bad habit of running. I can't control it. It's the cowboy in me." Like I said - it reaffirmed what I already knew and it was all I could focus on. I started to get upset to the point where I just called it a night. Then the next day, something amazing happened - a miracle if you will. We talked about the previous night & cleared things up. He didn't mean to say that he's basically gonna run away from me again. He told me this time would be different. That he regreted doing it last time (although he wonders if we'd still be together and/or if we'd be the same people we are today). And that he had no intentions of leaving now. And that's basically what I learned. That he really likes me (score!). And that he thinks I'm awesome & that there's something "different" about me (that I'm not a meth addict? or clingy?). But he's just not ready to commit. He wants to be in a relationship with me, but wants to make sure we are ok seperately first & are able to get back on our feet. And I agree. I enjoy the time we spend together. It's amazing. And we both think it's just best to just take it one day at a time and see where that takes us. His biggest thing is "whatever happens will happen." And I'm ok with that.

But I think I'm slowly cracking him. Each day we talk I feel like we're closer & closer. He tells me places he wants to take me camping/fishing and even considered inviting me to Thanksgiving at his family's. And he says he's planning something awesome for my birthday (including dinner!). I'm looking forward to that.

So basically I'm closing my eyes and diving head first off the cliff. Hopefully I'll fall into clouds. But if not...well, I'll figure it out when I get there. But I'm not scared anymore. (Maybe just a little worried...) I have nothing to be scared of.

just what i needed

This weekend - was AH-MAZING. TJ - John helped me bring down my new bed and spent the night/day with me. We didn't really do anything exciting but just hung out. We did a lot of talking...rather he did a lot of talking. But I don't mind. It was super nice. It was awesome just being able to listen for once rather than doing all the talking (which was always the case with Chris). He told me so much about his childhood and the different places he grew up. He explained to me the shitty-ness of one of his ex-girlfriends - his first true "love" - and the craziness of their relationship. He talked about his brother & sister and how they got to the place they are now. He talked about a lot of things that I don't think he even expected to reveal to me already. And then I felt so bad because he even started crying a bit when he started talking about his dad and how he hasn't seen him since he was like 13. I'm not sure why he brought it up though if he was so emotional about it. I told him to stop wasting time and to just go see his dad. There's no reason why he shouldn't.

We also watched a movie (after realizing you can't use a phone number at Blockbuster) - got some lunch at Casa Molina - goofed around - and I even made him dinner. :-) I made him my family's famous tuna casarole - which he enjoyed as much as he could (he had an upset stomach from some Jack in the Box he ate the other night). But it was just nice hanging out with him. And amazing waking up next to him. :-)

We also discuss our "status". He told me he hated me for seeing him cry & that I was the second girl to see him cry - but the first to see him cry about something he cared about (I guess his ex would say nasty things to push his buttons). He also made it clear that he was scared because he knew he was caring about me. He said after his psycho ex - he just stopped giving a shit. & his more recent exes he just didn't give a shit about - to an extent of course - like he wouldn't care if they hung out with guys. But he said that with me, he does care and worries when I hang out with other guys. And he's not sure what that means. And I guess I also freaked him out/worried him Friday night because he texted me & I told him I was driving through Florence and he tried texting me but I didn't reply. So he called me to make sure I was still alive. Thing was I didn't get the messages until like half an hour or so later (phone issues). He says he's scared that he's gonna hurt me. Again, with his psycho ex, when they fought, they would say nasty, hurtful things, and he said that he doesn't want that to happen with me. And I told him, I wouldn't give him a reason to do that. I'm not crazy. I have a direction in my life I'm heading towards. I don't do meth (like his psycho ex). And I basically give my heart to the one I'm with. I do whatever it takes to make them happy.

So, it seemed like the day was filled with him fighting with himself about our "status". It seems like he wants to be in a relationship with me, but just too scared. Of what exactly, I don't know. But I can tell I'm getting to him. He tells me all the things he likes about me. Calls my eyes "fire eyes" (because they're yellow in the middle - the hottest part - & green around the edges - the coolest part). Likes that I'm a dork and thinks I'm cute. Tells me all these camping spots he wants to take me and tells me he wants to teach me hunting. And now, since I gave him such an awesome weekend, he's gonna plan something special for my birthday - including...drumroll...our first official date. :-) I'm so excited. If it's anything like our first first date (back in 2005ish) - it should be AH-MAZING. (First time we went out, he took me to Saguaro Lake to watch the sunset.) So we'll see where that goes.