how the weekend went

I'm copying my sister & checking off what I accomplished this weekend.

• return dead hard drive to benson systems for replacement (thank god it's under warranty)
• groceries 
• start laundry 
• clean up the house still could use some cleaning though
• morning hike up Silly Mountain with the pups such a wonderful hike! I'll post pictures/go into more detail later
• more laundry/cleaning around the house
• dinner and seeing comedian iliza shlesinger at the tempe improv with scegan sooo much fun! had a great time laughing my ass off and hanging with my family
• dog park with the pups
• pick out & plant a eucalyptus tree in our backyard we ended up buying several trees - a local(ish) nursery was having a end of the summer sale and we got a pretty good deal on a package: a huge (4-6 years old) eucalyptus, a huge ficus, a super (1-3 years old) african sumac, and 5 different shrubs. we pretty much have all the plants we need for our backyard now and the nursery will do the planting for us! (not until the end of the month though, poo.)
• give bentley (our new car) a bath probably the most torturous task of the weekend - I was absolutely exhausted when I was done. and my nails still have dirt underneath. ew.
• relax & watch movies/catch up on our favorite tv shows saw law abiding citizen which I liked and watched some desperate housewives and teen mom
• morning hike on favorite trail through Superstition Mountains with the pups
• one of the following:
• Phoenix Zoo & Desert Botanical Gardens
• Golfland & walking around downtown
• D-backs vs. Giants game
• swimming & bbqing at my parent's (hopefully we can get pepper in the water now that she's older/bigger) pepper did sooo much swimming it was awesome! (pics later) and we had a good time playing charades (my dad did a great rattlesnake - too bad no one got it) and perfect ten (a fun trivia game).

I think overall we did pretty good. we didn't go anywhere monday except to my parent's but it was nice and relaxing and we still had a lot of fun. we also didn't do our hike around the superstitions but that was mainly because we were both pretty sore (me from washing my car and chris from jogging with the dogs). I told chris that I felt like the weekend was going by slower since we were doing stuff and he agreed. we also agreed that we had a pretty awesome weekend and enjoyed each other's company. we hardly fought too! we decided we're going to try to spend every weekend like this last one.

this week is a short week (thankfully) and we have our counselling appointment on saturday. I'm nervous as hay, but also really anxious. hopefully I can stay sane throughout the week.

weekend plans

after asking chris daily for the past week about whether or not we were going to make a trip this weekend, we, together, finally concluded to stay home. and I'm actually ok with it. I thought I'd be crushed, but I'm not. I am still determined to have a fun-filled weekend . I mean - it's labor day weekend - a free 3-day weekend! we brainstormed (again, together) about what we can do this weekend and I'm super excited. here's my agenda (hasn't been approved by chris yet):

• friday:
• return dead hard drive to benson systems for replacement (thank god it's under warranty)
• groceries
• start laundry
• clean up the house
• saturday:
• morning hike up Silly Mountain with the pups
• more laundry/cleaning around the house
• dinner and seeing comedian iliza shlesinger at the tempe improv with scegan
• sunday:
• dog park with the pups
• pick out & plant a eucalyptus tree in our backyard
• give bentley (our new car) a bath
• relax & watch movies/catch up on our favorite tv shows
• monday:
• morning hike on favorite trail through Superstition Mountains with the pups
• one of the following:
• Phoenix Zoo & Desert Botanical Gardens
• Golfland & walking around downtown
• D-backs vs. Giants game
• swimming & bbqing at my parent's (hopefully we can get pepper in the water now that she's older/bigger)

so I'm pretty stoked. I mean, just because we're not going out of town doesn't mean we have to sit at home all weekend right? I'm taking charge of my life. chris will just have to deal with it and join me or he can peace out. now I'll keep my fingers crossed that we'll actually do it. maybe by writing them here I'll be more determined to do it that way I can show pictures. that's my goal at least. I'm one step closer to being happier - I can feel it.

hope everyone has a super safe and fun holiday weekend.

let's be real

lately I've been further than down in the dumps and I seem to always lose my creative outlet when I fall down. because I get tired of always writing or talking about my frustrations and my pain and this and that. every time I have a conversation with my mom or close friends, or every time I write a blog, the topic of how chris and I are doing always arises. and then things get depressing really quickly. this is when I'm forced to realize how unhappy I am. it forces me to think, well, if I'm really this unhappy, then I should do something about it. but I don't want to. because I feel like my only option is to end things and move on. and I don't think I'm ready for that (no matter how much I tell myself I am).

I read blogs that are positive and uplifting and filled with joy and happiness. and then I write about sadness and heartache and I feel lame. it's one thing to write or talk about sadness every so often, but to do it every day? I get frustrated that I'm not positive and always bubbly. no one wants to hear or read that. I feel like the debbi-downer no one wants to talk to at the party. but surely I can't be the only one struggling with life. I need to stop trying to be happy go-lucky like everyone else and just be me. even if I'm a little unhappy at this stage of my life. at least it's real. I won't be lying to myself or anyone else anymore. and I will take responsibility for my life. if I want it to be different, I will need to change it. maybe writing it down will motivate me to take charge of my life. but I need to stop lying to myself and trying to only write about bubbly and happy things. if I don't feel it, why write it?

so that's it. I'm frustrated and to the end of my rope about my relationship with chris. but I'm not giving up. not just yet. I haven't exhausted all my options. chris finally made an appointment for us to see a couples counselor. I've been begging him for months and now that he's finally done it, I'm terrified and almost want to bail. but I need to face all the issues we have in order to make it work. I don't want to get into every little issue that happened with us and I'm hoping we won't have to - I just want to be able to find an effective way we can communicate with each other. so that from here on out we'll be able to work out issues and work together on the life we want to share. I definitely don't want to bring up December 2008 and pray that it won't come up. because (a) I don't know if I can keep my composure and (b) I'm not completely sure that I've forgiven chris yet. but can you really ever forgive someone for not being there for you when you need them most? is it better to forgive but not forget or forget and not forgive?

every day is a struggle for me to be happy, I'll be honest. sometimes I feel like the world's against me. if it's not one thing, it's another. when things are going decent, something punches me in the gut and knocks me back down. it seems to never end. but I don't give up. every day I wake up and think to myself that today's going to be different. today I will honestly be happy. sometimes it works, and sometimes I fail.

chris and I had a huge talk last weekend and for once I saw got a glimpse of him through a window he opened. we got into December 2008 and he opened up about when he had to go through it before we met (in 2005). he cried. (more like balled - definitely took me by surprise.) and when he regained his composure, he said, "I've never told anyone that before."

and then I cried. I told him that for 5 years I've waited for a moment like that. a moment where I felt needed - where I felt important to someone else. I felt like he trusted me enough to open his heart and let me in - even if it was for a brief moment. I felt good. I felt amazing.

so I believe that I may be starting to get through to him. that's why I'm giving it one more shot. and now that we have this counseling session, I know he really wants to work it out. so I'm hopeful. the 28th was our 5 year anniversary. things have been alright this week.

and then my brand new hard drive to my brand new computer died. so I don't get to upload any pictures from our vacation in new york. just like I said, when things seem to be going good, something falls apart. I just hope pray that I'll be able to recover my pictures. this weekend I'm hoping to take a little trip since it's a 3-day weekend. we'll see how that goes too. I'm not going to be negative. I'm just going to go with the flow.

a pep talk to myself

I am strong.

I am special.

I can do anything.

sometimes life throws hurdles in our path,

but we just have to keep on going full speed ahead,

looking inside ourselves

for the courage to leap over them

and never look back.

always believe in yourself

as much as others believe in you.

I have this in a little wallet-sized card that my sister (megan) gave me for my birthday. one of the most touching things I've received in awhile. I cried. 

chris and I are going to his grandma's for 9 days. she lives on the edge of new york by pennsylvania. I've been told there's no internet. I'm hoping the lack of technology will allow us to bond and remember not only that we need to live life and not be focused on work all the time but also what brought us together as a couple in the first place. I'm hoping our fire can be reignited and that we can bond again so that I can't stand being in the same room as him.

I am strong.

I am special.

I can do anything.

birthday cards and broken hearts

what happened to birthday cards that made your day? the cards where it would say something funny or cheesy and then the person would write a sweet or thoughtful message inside. and getting cards from all your family and friends. what happened to those birthdays?

debi (the admin clerk at the SX plant) got me a card and had everyone at work sign it and gave it to me today (even though my birthday was saturday - no biggie). I waited until I got back to my office - and I'm glad I did, because when I read it, I got tears in my eyes. not because anyone wrote something that touched my heart. but because no one really wrote anything. only two people wrote more than three words. here's my card breakdown: 14 out of the 19 people who signed my card just wrote "happy birthday [insert name here]." three people didn't even do that much and just wrote their names (including my boss!). now I know I'm new and I know not very many people know me that well, but I'd figure those who I do talk to on a daily basis would have a little bit more to say than just a "happy birthday." something like "happy birthday, hope you have a great day" or "best wishes on you birthday" or something - I don't care - just something more than two words!

I almost feel hurt and as if I'm not liked around the office. I mean, the people I work with can't take the time out of their day to write a little message for my birthday. especially if they know they had a sub-par birthday. I feel like I don't have a personal relationship with anyone I work with because they can't take the time to write something on my card. my relationships at work are strictly work and that makes me sad. every else that I've worked at (minus sierrita) I've had somewhat of a personal relationship with my coworkers. I would hang out with the other interns outside of work. and I remember for my birthday when I worked at asarco everyone signed my card and had something to say.

then I got to thinking. I got a total of 6 cards this year for my birthday. (not from my so-called "fiance" - but we'll save that for another post.) I remember being a kid and getting so many cards from everyone and getting to open them all and read the pre-written message and then get to read a personal message from the sender. you don't get that anymore. not because I'm older, but because technology's there. any kid today probably doesn't get cards very often. forget cards. they're almost obsolete. instead of getting a bunch of cards, I got a bunch of text messages and facebook posts. and they said the same thing! "happy birthday." (minus the few good friends I have that took the time to say something thoughtful.) I mean am I really that horrible and unlikeable of a person? or are you just lazy? I'd rather you not say "happy birthday" if you don't mean it and I feel that if you're just saying "happy birthday" with nothing else, then you really don't mean it. you're just trying to look like a nice person. a real friend would say something nice. and I feel hurt because after summer fashion week (hosted by emery at moms are for everyone!) I've really realized how much a simple little comment or compliment could really make someone's day. and I feel a quick message in a card can have the same effect. it really shows you care about them.

technology's really taken over our lives. it's really taken the personal-ness out of anything. it makes me sad.

one score and 3 years ago...minus 2 days

saturday, I "celebrated" my 23rd birthday. (if you do the math, that makes my birthday 8/7/87 = most badass, unforgettable birthday ever!) I say "celebrated" because I didn't really do much. I'm actually quite disappointed. heartbroken even. since we've been together, chris and I have either not been together or hadn't had time due to school to celebrate my birthday. (even though I always took the time to celebrate his in february.) so I told him I wanted to do something special. just him and I. something fun. and then I told him I wanted to go to san diego. stay at a cheap hotel. and lay on the beach and relax all weekend long. that's all I wanted. I wanted us (mainly chris) to take a break from work and just relax and enjoy life. I know how stressed chris has been with work (not that he tells/talks to me) and wanted to try to ease his stress. I wanted him to remember to enjoy life and not think about work all the time. I would have drove (because I have to). and I would have made the arrangements. but throughout the week, chris made it seem like he was going to surprise me but not wanting to tell me what we'd do for the weekend. then friday comes around and I ask again what the plans are, because my parents wanted to know if I'll be home or not for my mom to make me dinner and sush.

chris's angry/frustrated reply: "how about for your birthday I buy your plane ticket to new york" (not that I asked him to or didn't offer to pay him back) "or how about I pay for pepper's vet bill" (again, not that I asked him to or didn't offer to pay him back) "you're stressing me out more than I already am."

um what? how can a relaxing trip to san diego be stressful? especially when I don't want to plan anything or stay anywhere fancy. I just wanted to go with the flow. that's all. be spontaneous. be fun. be free. I guess he also told my mom that I wanted to go to sd so that it will be "all about me." ha.

soooo we didn't go to san diego. my mom tried to comfort me by reminding us how unreliable my car (paula) has been lately. chris didn't have any other plans for me for my birthday. I didn't get anything from him - not that I wanted anything, but didn't even get a card. my mom made tacos for me and that was my night. how boring. scotty & megan got me some cool stuff to use/take with me on our trip to new york (how thoughtful!) and my mom gave me one of her potteries from work and some cookies.

aaahhh the beauty

I'm pretty heartbroken that I didn't get to go to san diego though. I was really hoping for a getaway for chris and I so we can reconnect and do some bonding (like our first trip to sd back when we first started dating - which, by the way, is where my favorite pic of us on the right is taken). chris later told me he felt really bad and that I didn't deserve that and that he'll make it up to me blah blah blah - but he was drinking at the time when he said that so I'm still not very hopeful.

I know we have this trip to new york coming up next week, but for some reason I just can't get excited about it. we won't be close to any of the major cities (I think we're closer to pennsylvania) and we'll be staying at his grandma's. I'm just afraid we won't do anything. I mean if we don't even do anything when we're at home, why would we do anything somewhere else?

I'm trying to be more positive and optimistic, really I am. but I feel so boring. I'm young - only 23 - and I don't do anything. I want to do fun things as a couple with chris. but by the time we get home, chris just wants to relax and we only have so many hours to get things done around the house before the day's over. and then on weekends all he wants to do is "relax" and sit on the couch and watch tv. come on now.

I want to be doing fun stuff. I want to be active. I want to be young and crazy. I want to be spontaneous and adventurous. I want to live life to the fullest. and I think I'm mainly disappointed in myself because I haven't yet. I haven't been living life to the fullest and I should be. I should create a "bucketlist." maybe that will motivate me more to do fun things.

annoyance of the day: "political" moves by musicians

dear musicians who chose to be political by boycotting arizona,

I get it. you don't like the SB1070 law. you think it's unconstitutional. you want to make a stand. yada yada yada. but making a difference doesn't mean make your fans suffer. we - your fans - have supported you. we are the ones who bought your albums. we are the ones who attended your shows at the little venues like the rialto (in tucson - which, as a former frequent rialto attender, I'd hate to see the historic venue close down because of artists like you who refuse to entertain those who support you) and the marquee (in tempe). we are the ones who buy your merchandise. we are the ones who make you famous and money. why would you punish us? why does taking your "stand" mean we don't get to enjoy your live music? why not try actively protesting and taking an active stand. how is refusing to play shows in our state active? brewer doesn't give a shit about you. she could care less if you play here or not. she doesn't give a shit if your measly shows hurt our economy. (she'll just take more money away from our education so more and more people will grow up with the same mindset as hers.) she probably doesn't even know who you are. we are the ones who care.

and maybe you forgot, but we are not the ones who have a say in the law. sb1070 was not a public vote. we did not vote it into law. not all of us agree with it. (regardless of how I feel about the law.) our governor signed the law. she made the decision. punish her. don't punish us because we live in the state of arizona. we're not going to pack our bags and move our whole lives because of a silly law and what it may or may not do. your boycotting is not hurting those who enforce the law, it's only hurting the venue owners and the fans who always go to your shows - the ones who have always supported you.

bottom line: your boycotting is not doing a damn thing. yes, it's just hurting our economy but that mainly hurts the people - the fans - not the government. use your head. stop trying to be all political. stop trying to think you're making a change by boycotting the state. if you don't like the law, go to the people who matter - the ones who can actually do something about it - aka the government. protest. march. go to lobbyists. throw shit at their house. I don't care. but don't make me hate you because you refuse to play in arizona (which is a beautiful state, by the way) when I have nothing to do with the "point" you're trying to make. 

maroon 5, kanye west, cyprus hill,etc. and those who decide to follow, I'm boycotting your music. see if I buy your cd's again bastards.

signed, 

your ex-fan,

alicia.