one score and 3 years ago...minus 2 days

saturday, I "celebrated" my 23rd birthday. (if you do the math, that makes my birthday 8/7/87 = most badass, unforgettable birthday ever!) I say "celebrated" because I didn't really do much. I'm actually quite disappointed. heartbroken even. since we've been together, chris and I have either not been together or hadn't had time due to school to celebrate my birthday. (even though I always took the time to celebrate his in february.) so I told him I wanted to do something special. just him and I. something fun. and then I told him I wanted to go to san diego. stay at a cheap hotel. and lay on the beach and relax all weekend long. that's all I wanted. I wanted us (mainly chris) to take a break from work and just relax and enjoy life. I know how stressed chris has been with work (not that he tells/talks to me) and wanted to try to ease his stress. I wanted him to remember to enjoy life and not think about work all the time. I would have drove (because I have to). and I would have made the arrangements. but throughout the week, chris made it seem like he was going to surprise me but not wanting to tell me what we'd do for the weekend. then friday comes around and I ask again what the plans are, because my parents wanted to know if I'll be home or not for my mom to make me dinner and sush.

chris's angry/frustrated reply: "how about for your birthday I buy your plane ticket to new york" (not that I asked him to or didn't offer to pay him back) "or how about I pay for pepper's vet bill" (again, not that I asked him to or didn't offer to pay him back) "you're stressing me out more than I already am."

um what? how can a relaxing trip to san diego be stressful? especially when I don't want to plan anything or stay anywhere fancy. I just wanted to go with the flow. that's all. be spontaneous. be fun. be free. I guess he also told my mom that I wanted to go to sd so that it will be "all about me." ha.

soooo we didn't go to san diego. my mom tried to comfort me by reminding us how unreliable my car (paula) has been lately. chris didn't have any other plans for me for my birthday. I didn't get anything from him - not that I wanted anything, but didn't even get a card. my mom made tacos for me and that was my night. how boring. scotty & megan got me some cool stuff to use/take with me on our trip to new york (how thoughtful!) and my mom gave me one of her potteries from work and some cookies.

aaahhh the beauty
I'm pretty heartbroken that I didn't get to go to san diego though. I was really hoping for a getaway for chris and I so we can reconnect and do some bonding (like our first trip to sd back when we first started dating - which, by the way, is where my favorite pic of us on the right is taken). chris later told me he felt really bad and that I didn't deserve that and that he'll make it up to me blah blah blah - but he was drinking at the time when he said that so I'm still not very hopeful.

I know we have this trip to new york coming up next week, but for some reason I just can't get excited about it. we won't be close to any of the major cities (I think we're closer to pennsylvania) and we'll be staying at his grandma's. I'm just afraid we won't do anything. I mean if we don't even do anything when we're at home, why would we do anything somewhere else?

I'm trying to be more positive and optimistic, really I am. but I feel so boring. I'm young - only 23 - and I don't do anything. I want to do fun things as a couple with chris. but by the time we get home, chris just wants to relax and we only have so many hours to get things done around the house before the day's over. and then on weekends all he wants to do is "relax" and sit on the couch and watch tv. come on now.

I want to be doing fun stuff. I want to be active. I want to be young and crazy. I want to be spontaneous and adventurous. I want to live life to the fullest. and I think I'm mainly disappointed in myself because I haven't yet. I haven't been living life to the fullest and I should be. I should create a "bucketlist." maybe that will motivate me more to do fun things.

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thanks for taking the time to add some input and love :)