Part Three Point Five: continuing to grow

I was chowing down on edamame when I, for some reason, thought back to my last post and wondered why I wrote that 3-part saga thing in the first place. Then I remembered - I was inspired by Emery's post about unforgiveness. So I wanted to say a few things on that note.

After all Chris & I had been through, I've had a lot of trouble getting over a couple of things. There are times I think to myself, how can I possibly marry someone who can't be there for me when I lose a loved one? I can't fathom how someone who supposedly cares about you is willing to make the decision to party it up with friends and acquaintances. I just can't put my head around the fact that he knew I was in a great deal of pain and sadness and he chose not to be there for me. I have always been there for him, anytime he allowed me to. So how can I be sure that he'd support and comfort me if a similar situation occurs?

I'm not certain I can be sure he'd be there. He's apologized and claims he will, but I don't think I'm ready to be completely sure yet. Although it brings me great pain and suffering when I think about what he's done, I can't dwell on the past. Once I put my new engagement ring on my finger I gave all my trust to him again. That may be stupid, but I don't think he'll screw it up this time.

We'll always stick together.

Part Three: my happily-ever-after

Of course I got Chris back. He simply couldn't resist me and I cannot blame him...or maybe it was the other way around....

Anyways, Chris & I got back together, but not after spending a couple of months of being just friends and hanging out. During these couple of months of being "single," we both grew up. I realized that life is too short to complain and bitch about everything that is done wrong. With the passing of my tata, I didn't want to sit around all day and waste the days away but rather go out and enjoy life and be productive. There's no reason to sit around and whine about being bored and nothing to do. I realized that I just had go out and do something. Anything. And I did that. Getting my license of course helped greatly. I didn't feel trapped or like I was stuck in this depressing, life-sucking hole. I was free. And I took advantage of every moment of my freedom and I realized that that's how I should have been living all along - taking advantage of every moment of life. So going out and being more social and independent really helped me grow into the person that Chris can deal with. Because before, I was so dependent on Chris and it just caused a lot of stress on our relationship.

I also saw Chris grow. He became slightly more open. He gave me advice during the havoc I went through with TJ. He's more comforting. If something upsets me, he sticks with me to figure out what is wrong and what he cando (more often at least). If we got into an argument where we separate, he comes to me to apologize if he knows he was wrong. He spends more time with me. He listens to me more. All these things that I had a problem with, he's improved on. Either that, or I just don't let everything get to me as much. Maybe it's a little of both.

Although we never actually talked about the major issues that pushed us away from each other and to behave like we did (my cheating & his lying/sneaking to strip clubs), we seem to understand each other just a bit more. I'm not sure how (I think our good friend, Roy, had something to do with it) but things are better. I still think we need to get to those deep issues that caused us to do what we did in order to fully move on, but for now, we're both extremely happy.

We bought a house together, almost before we were officially together. It's still under construction but should be done in a couple of months or so. We decided to get re-engaged. And this time I thought about saying "yes" before I actually said it. And this time, it feels right.

I know he's the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. He understands me. I'm a complicated person with odd traits/likings/disgusts/etc. He understands that I'm extremely close with my family & that they are & will always be #1 to me (something TJ got upset about - because he wasn't #1). He gets that I'm a huge sports junkie who needs to yell at the TV for bad calls. He knows that I don't like mushy foods or the smell of hot wing sauce and does what he can so that I avoid them. He lets me cuddle with a stuffed hippo. He knows that I have trouble with asking strangers for help. He gets me - not who he wants me to be or who he thinks I am, but me.  And he lets me be me. I am comfortable with him. I can be 100% myself around him. And I can't imagine my life without him. He and I have been through so much and I want to go through so much more with him. He's complements me. He's my lobster.

Part Two: my realization

...continued from earlier post...

I met up with TJ during spring break of '09 and let's just say without going into the details that we picked up from where we left off 4 years or so ago. I went back to Tucson and broke off the engagement with Chris. (Oh forgot to mention, we got engaged during the summer of '08 - which is my fault because (a) even though I wasn't ready, I kinda started putting the pressure on the idea and (b) even though I didn't see myself marrying him & had serious doubts in our relationship, I said yes). I started trying to get serious with Chris in letting him know that there were some serious issues that we needed to work out. But for whatever reason, he shrugged it off and ignored my requests. So I broke up with him.

Once I broke up with him, I wanted to get back to the Alicia I used to be. The fun, bubbly, positive, hard-working Alicia. So I started working harder in school. I moved out of the room we were sharing in the house we were renting and into my own room. Yes, this may seem like a stupid idea, but it was the middle of the semester & the easiest thing to do. Plus we were both working at our internships so we didn't spend a lot of time in the house. I began going out with friends more. I started driving home every weekend to see friends, mainly TJ. I started having fun and living life and I was loving the single life, although I was spending a lot of time with TJ.

Things were perfect with TJ before we started officially dating. He gave me all the attention I thought I wanted/needed. He would call just to say "hi," & constantly text to say "I miss you" & other sweet things. He always held my hand in public & sat next to me in restaurants (rather than sitting across in a booth). It was bliss for me. Or so I thought.

In July we started officially dating. Then once school started, I began seeing Chris more and hanging out with him & Roy a lot.  And during this time, Chris and I became friends, and for once in a long time, we started getting along. I didn't see him as my boyfriend nor did I see the need to nag him about everything. I didn't care what he did (for the most part). We became how we used to be - fun and goofy. We had a couple of classes together and did homework together from time to time. We would all (Roy, Chris & I) go to Buffalo Wild Wings so I can watch the suns games & they could eat large amounts of wings. And even though I'm still convinced that I was over Chris during that time, I started seeing Chris in a different way. I saw a caring friend. One who asks how my day is going. One who makes sure I get the help I need for my homework. One who encourages me when times are tough at work. And one who would offer a comforting hug and advice when things started getting rocky with TJ. Even though he knew what I did with TJ when we were still together, he was happy for me. But at the same time, he tried to get me to see that TJ just wasn't a good guy for me.

Even though I am still 100% convinced that I was completely over Chris during this time, I did start to realize that I was, in a way, falling back in love with Chris when I started getting upset when I did find out what he was doing on weekends (going out with girls). And when I found out he signed up for eHarmony, I was heartbroken. I mean, we were together for over four years. We were engaged. Now I know that makes me seem like a hypocrite since I was dating TJ, but eHarmony is for people who are seriously looking for a serious relationship. Why did he start being serious now? Why wasn't he serious with me?! Why did he think that he could have a serious relationship with someone else, but not me? I became even more furious when I found out he started seeing someone. That's when the first flag shot up for me. I mean, why should I care who he sees if I'm still over him?

So when things got worse with TJ (see because when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.). I started to think about why Chris & I broke up in the first place. I felt he was pushing me away. But maybe he felt I was making him push away. I was constantly nagging him, crying to him, being a drama queen & getting upset over little things - all these things that TJ was doing to me. It was driving me crazy & I began wanting to see TJ less & less. I tried to talk to him about things but if it wasn't what he wanted to hear (that I'd stop hanging out with Chris & Roy) he would keep trying to get me to talk. He tried to talk to me about something I did that hurt him when I was just too tired, and instead of talking back & sorting through the issue, I told him I wanted to go to bed and left it at that - the exact same thing that happened to me & Chris. It was that night that I realized I push Chris away by being super annoying and not understanding. I realized that I was just as much at fault over Chris & mine's breakup as he was.

Things with TJ didn't get better so I broke up with him. I wasn't going to go through the pain and exhaustion that he was putting me through when I had so much going on in my life at that time (again, see because when a heart breaks, no it don't break even). And it was then I told myself that I was going to get Chris back.

Stay tune for the next & final installment!

Part One: the endlessness of my pain

I'm having a very unproductive day at work. Again. Most of my morning was spent feeling nauseous and drowsy (drowsy from lack of sleep & nauseous from an unknown cause). I can't call/talk the people I need to call/talk to because I've basically lost my voice (damn 2 suns games in one weekend).

So what do I do? Browse the internet until my "quota has been reached." This includes reading CNN news, reading NBA news, and catching up on some blogs. Then I came across this one blog thanks to Amanda who had a link to it & I kind of scanned through until I came across an entry about unforgiveness. I read it and connected. It was a continuation of a story of the writer and her husband and their journey. So since I was bored, I read it. (The Chris and Emery Story) Although I'm not super Christian and reach out to God and there were many other clear differences, (although the writer's husband name was Chris & they dated for 5 years before marrying) I connected with her story. It wasn't the details, but the excitement, pain, shame, fear, and overall journey that I connected with. Although I probably won't chapter out our lives and the story of us being together, I do want to say a few things (in 3 simple installments - sorry, but it helps keep them readable I think).

I wouldn't say I quickly fell in love with Chris, but I eventually did (it took about 5 months). But even though I spent almost every day with him, I felt so alone. He has never been one to talk and discuss feelings and such. So I never felt like we could relate - like he understood the things I was going through. When I would go home for the weekend to be with family I was forced to rely on phone calls to feel connected with him. This tore me apart because like I said, Chris has never been the kind to talk. So our phone calls were quick "hey, how are yous" and "hope your day is going wells," nothing more. They felt empty, which in turn made me feel empty. I would hate going home because I would always get upset that I lost that connection with Chris.

My sophomore year I would say is when I hit rock bottom. I felt so distant to Chris and that he didn't love me as much as I loved him. I had so many doubts as to why I was with him in the first place. I was in a dark place and took out a lot of anger and pain on him. I longed for his attention and began to believe that I needed him. I shut myself out from the world. Curled up into a ball, away from everyone, and just stayed away from people. I didn't hang out with friends. I didn't meet new people. I began losing myself. I always did my homework - always got A's & B's on tests. I've always been a good, hardworking student. I took pride in that trait of mine. But then my grades started dropping.  I struggled greatly with my schoolwork. I couldn't focus. All I thought about was how Chris & I shouldn't be together and how unhappy I was. I used to call my mom and best friend Tracy every day. But then I began feeling like an annoyance. I felt like I only called my friends when I was upset and crying over something Chris did. And I didn't think that was fair to them. They shouldn't have to hear me cry all the time. And because they only heard me cry all the time, because that seemed to be the only time I called them, they began thinking bad of Chris - thinking he was a bad guy and that he wasn't right for me. So instead of hearing people tell me that we weren't good together, I just stopped talking to them. I didn't want to hear it. I refused to hear it.

I starting building up resentment and uncontrollable anger for Chris. By my junior year, I became a bitchy girlfriend. I nagged him to do things. I constantly made him feel like shit when he screwed up. I would sabotage his nights out with his friends. I did whatever I could to make him feel pain - the pain that I felt every day and every night. Again, plan failed.

There were two major events that convinced me that I needed to get away and end our relationship.

The first was the death of my tata (grandpa). I was close with my tata. I have so many memories with him. He got sick during the fall of my senior year but I convinced myself that he would make it and get better. I was wrong. He passed away the Sunday after Christmas '08. My mom and tias (aunts) were with him and I was with my dad and brothers celebrating Christmas at my grandma's with my cousins and aunts (on my dad's side). I asked Chris, who was in Tucson, if he could come up as soon as possible as I needed some comfort - some comfort that was outside of my family's since everyone else was feeling the same: depressed. I needed some uplifting. I needed someone to see something positive that myself, and everyone around me were unable to see. He said he'd be there that Wednesday, but because it was so close to New Year's he made the last minute decision to stay in Tucson to go out and party with his friends. He chose to drink and party while I was miserable and in an immense amount of pain. He came for the funeral, but it didn't matter by then. I was starting the new year in the worst way imaginable - without my beloved tata and alone.

Then there was the huge fight with Greg. Things got ugly very quick and Greg said some extremely harsh things. But what bothered me most, was amidst of all the horrid things Greg called me, Chris didn't once stick up for me. He didn't once say, "hey Greg, that's enough," or "don't call her that, Greg." Nothing. I'm not saying I wanted him to punch Greg for saying those things or start calling him names back, I just wanted to know that he'd protect me if things got worst. But that wasn't there.

During this time, I've been talking to TJ for a couple of months. I always was attracted to him & craved the attention he was giving me. So that spring break, I met up with him.

to be finished at a later time...

I don't wanna work, I just wanna bang on the drum all day.

Yes, it's been a while.  So here's a super quick update on my life (in order of occurrence, sort-of, since October):

December 2009/January 2010

-I got a full-time job as a Metallurgist at Freeport McMoRan in Miami (AZ, not FL).  I actually found out I got the job the same day as my last final.  Needless to say, I was rather stressed during finals.

-I graduated from college with a bachelor's degree and a 3.074.  In high school, I'd be extremely disappointed with anything below a 3.5, but in college, and therefore in the real world, I'm pretty darn proud of myself.

-I bought a house.  Well, not by myself - Chris & I bought a house.

-Chris and I got back together. (Duh.)

-I ended my work as a part-time intern and began work as a full-time metallurgist.


-Chris bought me half-half season (yes I know this is a quarter, but I think that's misleading since he only bought tickets for half the games for the second half of the season) tickets to the Suns games - constitutes as the best present ever.

February

-They began construction on our house.  Should be done in approximately 90 days. (Once it's complete, come stay in our guest room.  It'll have it's own balcony!)

-We bought our living room furniture/accessories for the house.

-Chris & I got (re)engaged.

-We bought the bedroom furniture for our house.

-I started talking to TJ again. Then quickly stopped talking to him again after realizing why I wasn't talking to him in the first place.

March

-We decided on April 2nd, 2011 as our wedding date.

More to come later.