Part One: the endlessness of my pain

I'm having a very unproductive day at work. Again. Most of my morning was spent feeling nauseous and drowsy (drowsy from lack of sleep & nauseous from an unknown cause). I can't call/talk the people I need to call/talk to because I've basically lost my voice (damn 2 suns games in one weekend).

So what do I do? Browse the internet until my "quota has been reached." This includes reading CNN news, reading NBA news, and catching up on some blogs. Then I came across this one blog thanks to Amanda who had a link to it & I kind of scanned through until I came across an entry about unforgiveness. I read it and connected. It was a continuation of a story of the writer and her husband and their journey. So since I was bored, I read it. (The Chris and Emery Story) Although I'm not super Christian and reach out to God and there were many other clear differences, (although the writer's husband name was Chris & they dated for 5 years before marrying) I connected with her story. It wasn't the details, but the excitement, pain, shame, fear, and overall journey that I connected with. Although I probably won't chapter out our lives and the story of us being together, I do want to say a few things (in 3 simple installments - sorry, but it helps keep them readable I think).

I wouldn't say I quickly fell in love with Chris, but I eventually did (it took about 5 months). But even though I spent almost every day with him, I felt so alone. He has never been one to talk and discuss feelings and such. So I never felt like we could relate - like he understood the things I was going through. When I would go home for the weekend to be with family I was forced to rely on phone calls to feel connected with him. This tore me apart because like I said, Chris has never been the kind to talk. So our phone calls were quick "hey, how are yous" and "hope your day is going wells," nothing more. They felt empty, which in turn made me feel empty. I would hate going home because I would always get upset that I lost that connection with Chris.

My sophomore year I would say is when I hit rock bottom. I felt so distant to Chris and that he didn't love me as much as I loved him. I had so many doubts as to why I was with him in the first place. I was in a dark place and took out a lot of anger and pain on him. I longed for his attention and began to believe that I needed him. I shut myself out from the world. Curled up into a ball, away from everyone, and just stayed away from people. I didn't hang out with friends. I didn't meet new people. I began losing myself. I always did my homework - always got A's & B's on tests. I've always been a good, hardworking student. I took pride in that trait of mine. But then my grades started dropping.  I struggled greatly with my schoolwork. I couldn't focus. All I thought about was how Chris & I shouldn't be together and how unhappy I was. I used to call my mom and best friend Tracy every day. But then I began feeling like an annoyance. I felt like I only called my friends when I was upset and crying over something Chris did. And I didn't think that was fair to them. They shouldn't have to hear me cry all the time. And because they only heard me cry all the time, because that seemed to be the only time I called them, they began thinking bad of Chris - thinking he was a bad guy and that he wasn't right for me. So instead of hearing people tell me that we weren't good together, I just stopped talking to them. I didn't want to hear it. I refused to hear it.

I starting building up resentment and uncontrollable anger for Chris. By my junior year, I became a bitchy girlfriend. I nagged him to do things. I constantly made him feel like shit when he screwed up. I would sabotage his nights out with his friends. I did whatever I could to make him feel pain - the pain that I felt every day and every night. Again, plan failed.

There were two major events that convinced me that I needed to get away and end our relationship.

The first was the death of my tata (grandpa). I was close with my tata. I have so many memories with him. He got sick during the fall of my senior year but I convinced myself that he would make it and get better. I was wrong. He passed away the Sunday after Christmas '08. My mom and tias (aunts) were with him and I was with my dad and brothers celebrating Christmas at my grandma's with my cousins and aunts (on my dad's side). I asked Chris, who was in Tucson, if he could come up as soon as possible as I needed some comfort - some comfort that was outside of my family's since everyone else was feeling the same: depressed. I needed some uplifting. I needed someone to see something positive that myself, and everyone around me were unable to see. He said he'd be there that Wednesday, but because it was so close to New Year's he made the last minute decision to stay in Tucson to go out and party with his friends. He chose to drink and party while I was miserable and in an immense amount of pain. He came for the funeral, but it didn't matter by then. I was starting the new year in the worst way imaginable - without my beloved tata and alone.

Then there was the huge fight with Greg. Things got ugly very quick and Greg said some extremely harsh things. But what bothered me most, was amidst of all the horrid things Greg called me, Chris didn't once stick up for me. He didn't once say, "hey Greg, that's enough," or "don't call her that, Greg." Nothing. I'm not saying I wanted him to punch Greg for saying those things or start calling him names back, I just wanted to know that he'd protect me if things got worst. But that wasn't there.

During this time, I've been talking to TJ for a couple of months. I always was attracted to him & craved the attention he was giving me. So that spring break, I met up with him.

to be finished at a later time...

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thanks for taking the time to add some input and love :)