Change Your Mind

So it's been a few weeks since I've made a post. A lot has happened indeed. I want to start off by stating how lame I can be sometimes. I think sometimes I tend to over react about certain things and get frustrated waaay too easily. It's really a problem of mine and I'm starting to realize it. I look back at my very few previous blogs and laugh. Did I seriously just write all that just to complain about dishes or laundry? Wow. I can be pathetic.

I don't think I'm frustrated with my roommates or ever was really. I think I just decided to take out all my frustrations complaining about the little stupid things they did. I've had a pretty stressful semester. I just finished my 175 page report that just took a lot of time & energy from me. And I finished it a day early. Pat on our backs (my group & mine that is). But that senior design project sure did put a lot of stress on me. And not just that project, but my statics homework that takes me 4 hours 2 nights a week. And I still fail the test! That's pretty stressful too. I hate failing.

I've also been under a lot of pressure. This whole being engaged thing isn't as blissful and wonderful as I thought it would be. And sometimes I wonder if Chris even cares about anything at all? (Other than mining.) And since Chris had his seizure, I've been forced to drive to and fro. Sometimes I don't mind it. But sometimes I freak out. Takes yesterday for example - when I realized I had to drive on I-10. I was beyond terrified. I've driven on US-60 before, but the 60 & I-10 seem completely different. By like 20 mph. And I hate the fact that I think Chris is taking this opportunity of not being able to drive, to make me pay for 3 & 1/2 years of driving me everywhere, regardless if it stresses me out and I'm not ready or not. To me, that doesn't seem very supportive or understanding. And that's not cool. And then I have the pressure of: what are you going to do after you graduate? Chris is suddenly pushing me to go to grad school. I thought I was just going to go to work afterwards. Screw school. But now I feel like it's expected of me to go to grad school because why wouldn't I?

I've also been just feeling down. Being away from home sucks. Hardcore. And being away from friends also sucks. And I think I've come to the realization that after 4 years in Tucson, I think it's safe to say I've made 2 real friends. I'll say it again: I'm pathetic.

That's just a few of my real frustrations and feelings. So I'm over the dishes in the sink. I think I was just going through a super clean phase (sometimes cleaning calms me down & temporary makes me forget my stresses) and I really have no right to be angry or annoyed by anything my roommates do. This is what I signed up for. I can't expect everyone to be the same and have the same ideas as I do. That's just lame. And it was really wrong of me to do that. Again, I think I was just trying to take my frustrations out on them, because in reality, there's a lot of things I'm feeling. And I don't have anyone to talk to them about. Because Chris isn't the guy I can talk to. And Roy can't keep his damn mouth shut sometimes. And my mom, well, she's hours away. Sure I can call, but I hate calling people just to vent my depression and such - that's what I did to Tracy and I feel like it was really wrong of me to do that.

I think what gave me the realization to not be so stupid is Greg & Amanda's wedding yesterday. It was so sweet & simple. And his mother & grandmother kept telling Chris & I that we're so important in their lives and have done so much good for them and such. And I thought, wow, I'm a bitch. I'm a horrible friend. Here I am, the person who made Chris make up with Greg (& to not throw their 8 year long friendship over me), the person who convinced Chris & Arica that it was a good idea for them to move back in, the person who spend a whole lot of money on their Christmas presents, the person who always stuck up for Amanda when other people were saying how depressed she seems sometimes (they just don't get it) and I was basically talking shit behind their back. Not to people. But on here. But honestly, I'm not expecting anyone to read this. I'm still not. So in a way, it was my secret way of venting out frustrations. But I realized that I'm not really frustrated about the things they do (especially since over the past week that Chris is just as guilty at not cleaning dishes & other messes) but more at myself and the things going on my life. Complaining about dishes was my way of avoiding the topics that are really bothering me (aka: marriage, graduation, etc...) That's a whole different blog though.

So instead of using this blog to vent my stupid, unrealistic frustrations at whatever gets in my way first, I think I'm going to use it to get the real shit out. To try to understand the feelings I have and to let myself let it go. So I apologize to my roommates for seeming like a two-face bitch (just in case they happen to come across this). I really do care about them and think they're wonderful people. And great parents. And I'm more than happy for them. They deserve all the happiness in the world. And I truly honestly mean that. From now on, if something bothers me (and I mean truly bothers me), I'm just going to be an adult and let them know. I'm done acting like a child and writing emo blogs about shitty things. It's not like me.

On a side note, I think my new frustrations will gravitate towards the new CA blonde skanks that moved next door that are already having loud parties. That's going to keep me up more than some dryer...