Why don't you come right out and say it, even if the words are gonna hurt, we're better off this way

Before I start, I must say, this whole having Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays off things is going to make me broke unless I get a job, and I mean soon. Because I have to pass my time some how, and now that I have my own car, I have the power and freedom to go anywhere - including the mall. So I really hope I hear back from Freeport about me worknig part-time this semester so that I can fill my days off with something other than spending money. And then when I make money, I won't feel guilty when I buy adorable shoes like these. :-) I was planning on going to Forever 21 to spend a quite a bit of money but once I got there I remembered how hard it is for me to find anything worth buying. They have some cute things, but for me I either don't like the color, or the cut, or the style all together. I did find an adorable plum colored dress that I ended up buying - but didn't spend nearly as much as I expected. And since I just went shopping with Tracy last weekend and I already pretty much hit all the other stores in Mesa so didn't really find anything there either. I stopped at Aldo to check their sale shoes and found some adorable pewter/silver flats that were on sale and asked to try them on. The sales lady also kindly brought out another pair she "thought I might like." And like them I did. So even though they were twice the amount of the pair I originally asked for, I decided to splurge a little for them, because they were just so dang cute!

Moving on. I love being happy. Really. It's a pretty awesome feeling to go to bed in a good mood and wake up in a good mood. I don't think I've been this happy consistently in a looong time. But admist of all the happiness, an issue has surfaced between John (formally known as TJ) and I. A pretty big issue. An issue of jealousy. It's nice to know he cares enough to be concerned, but I'm starting to think it's going to get super annoying super quick. Not to mention I fear having to choose. He doesn't like Chris. Understandable - kinda. I mean, yes, he's my ex. Yes, I was engaged to him. And yes, I still live with him. But that's over. I've moved on. He's moved on (I think). He's a really good friend of mine because he's been there for me to help me get through a lot of shit. I can't just cut him out of my life. He still helps me through a lot of shit. And I enjoy his company. What's wrong with that? If there's nothing between us anymore, why can't we just be friends?

And he doesn't like Roy. Not so understandable. They've never met. But I did tell him that he used to have a crush on me. But come on - he's never acted upon it or tried to take advantage of me or anything. And he respects me and the person I'm with. And I told him that I wasn't interested. We're just friends. We've had classes together for the past three years. He's my best Tucson friend and nothing more.

I don't know why he can't trust me. I've never given him a reason to not. And Roy and Chris haven't done anything to him to make him so hateful towards them. He gives me shit saying I don't understand that he's been seriously burned in the past. Oh, I understand. But I can't change the past. I'm not his ex. I'm just not that kind of person. And I don't hang out with shitty, no-good people. They're good, respectable people. Otherwise I wouldn't associate myself with them. I dunno. I just hope we can talk about it this weekend and get past it.

Why can't we just all get along? I'm not going to stop hanging out with my friends because they're guys and my boyfriend doesn't like them. Sorry. They have to figure out a way to manage and be ok with each other. Chris, Roy, & I have been hanging out for about a year. We do lunches and dinners together. I don't like eating alone and they're the only friends I really have in Tucson. And we all get along. And we have fun together. We're like the three musketeers. You can't just break up the three musketeers. That's like illegal.

the wedding march

Marriage. Oh marriage. There's some people who don't believe in marriage thinking it's pointless to make things official. They're the ones who believe that just loving someone unconditionally is enough to prove you want to spend the rest of their life with you. And then there's people who believe in the thought of marriage and think they're ready. They're the ones who think that two or three months (or anything less than a year) is all it takes to know someone. They also get divorce two or three months later.

I'm neither of those types of people. I think marriage is the union between two people who can't live without each other and who can live in peace with each other. Because you can't just marry someone you can't imagine your life without - you also have to be sure you can stand them and all their tendencies and quirks. I think a lot of people forget that. They get all caught up in the idea and initial sparks that come from a new relationship. I know so many people who rush into marriage after a short period of time of "complete happiness." Sorry, that's not enough for me. I want complete shittiness with someone before I marry them. I want to go through hard times because if you can get through a downfall with someone and they stick with you through it - I think they're worth it. Because if you get married and then you realize that they're not going to be there for you through tough times or be there to work things out with you - then you're either unhappy for the rest of your life or you're a divorcee. In some ways, I'm glad the past year happened because it really showed me the kind of guy Chris is and that his dedication to me wasn't as strong as mine was for him.

With that being said, I wouldn't want someone to proposed to me until we've been together for at least 4 years. I think this is long enough to really get an idea of the type of person he is. And I think four years gives plenty of time for those shitty downs that will really test our relationship and love. I think after being engaged with someone and it not working out has really made me more cautious when it comes to rushing things. I want to make sure the person I marry is not going to be the same person I divorce. I want to be 100% confident that he'll be there when I need him most and that he'll be there to catch my back. I have to know that I can trust him with my heart and the rest of my life before I give it to him. And I really don't think it's possible to know that in less than 4 years.

I think it's safe to say that around 75% of my high school class has gotten married since we've graduated. That's a lot. Especially since we're 22-23 years young. Gosh, we are so young. Why rush into marriage? We have so much to live for. And I know a lot of those people are in love and will spend the rest of their lives with that person, but I also know a lot of those people probably shouldn't be married yet. You can't love someone if you don't love yourself. And you can't marry someone and if you can't take care of and live by yourself. I wish all my married friends and aquaintences the best of luck, but that's just not me. I don't want to rush into someone so important and life changing. I want to take my time and make sure I make the right decision. Because I don't believe in divorce.

Since I'm on the topic of marriage, every girl dreams of an extravagant wedding. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a big, glorious wedding with the princess gown and flowers and candles everywhere. But if I had the choice between an expensive, extravagant wedding and an expensive, extravagant ring - I'd chose the ring hands down. Your wedding day is just that - a day. You have to capture the moments with pictures and memories. The ring - that'll last forever. You will look down at your hand and see it every day of your life. I dream of the perfect ring - it has to be sparkly. Very sparkly. The size isn't really that important - as long as it's sparkly. And I want little diamonds surrounding it. I just want it to be gorgeous. I want everyone to be jealous and gasp when I show them. :-) I don't think it's spoiled of me to ask - I don't ask/want diamonds and jewelry every anniversary or occassion. I want thoughtful gifts for those. I just want the perfect ring.

if I can turn back time...

I saw The Time Traveler's Wife tonight. I adore Rachel McAdams and thought the previews portrayed this cute chick flick movie but boy was I wrong. I suppose it's not a bad movie, persay, but it's definitely not what I expected it to be. Anyways, it got me thinking. If I could go back in time, would I?

There's so many things I wished I could change about my past. Tell Coulter I had the hugest crush on him. Let Kassie know I didn't want her to leave and stop being my best friend. Not be such a wreck over a one-week relationship. Work harder my sophomore year of college. Not spend all my money on the stupid MealPlan program. Not convince myself and Chris that we would last forever and that we should get married. Not let myself get tied up and lost.

But at the same time, they always say - everything you go through makes the person you are today. True. I would not be so cautious if it wasn't for my past. I wouldn't think twice, or even a third time, if it wasn't for the mistakes I've made. You can't live the next day without learning from your actions and decisions from the day before. You can't really live without making mistakes.

But if I could go back in time (& be able to control when and where I go) I'd go back to those priceless moments. Like playing with Tracy and Kassie in 4th grade. Watching Coulter and the guys play kickball in eighth grade. Going over to Tata's and watching the fish in his indoor pond. Playing video games with Scotty & Reuben. Being spontaneous with TJ at Domino's. Hanging out with Finn in Sarah & Liz's dorm room. Everything that makes me smile. It'd be nice to relive those memories every once in a while. I think.

most everything you do make me wanna smile...

Twenty two years ago, I was brought into this world. How lucky are my parents? Ha - I mean, how lucky am I? Seriously. I am one lucky gal. Today, I had an amazing birthday - one of the best birthdays I've had in a looong while. Spent time with the family. Got my GPS for Paula. Took forever getting ready with the help of my family. Went to John's (figured I gotta start calling him by his real name). Was greeted with beautiful flowers. Went to a delicious dinner at My Big Fat Greek Restaurant - had Opa! Went back to John's. Was treated with a full body massage. And just basically had an amazingly wonderful night. Not much happened - just hung out with my man. Amazing. Fantastic. Wonderful. So many words can describe my night. I am one lucky gal.

P/S: I love you. :-)

something of value but something untrue

It has been officialized. We have been officialized. And quite unexpectedly. I did not expect him to cave in yet. Sure, I had a feeling he was starting to feel something strong - especially after the weekend we spent together. But I didn't think he was ready just yet. Mainly because he told me he wasn't ready to commit yet. And as I've said, I was perfectly ok with that. But then last Friday came around and he insisted that I come over (usually, Friday nights are his nights to relax & I'll spend Saturday night and/or Sunday with him). And so I did. And as soon as I got there, I knew something was up. He said he had a bad day. Why? I asked. Because of the previous night.

Previously, the night before...After having dinner with some of the other interns, Jenna & Pui Foon, and Chris & Roy, Chris, Roy, & I decided to go out to Club Congress. It was pretty much the first time I really gone out in Tucson and figured it'd be a nice way to meet new people and just relax & have a good time. So we had a few drinks at my house first while playing Wii bowling, then headed over to CC. I was already pretty tipsy and then had a couple more drinks. Met up with my other friend Chris (Chris S. to be exact) and ran into Finn briefly. And overall I had a good time. Except for the awkwardness of dancing with my ex & best friend. But in the midst of it all, I kept in contact with TJ. He asked if I was driving - I said no, Roy was. And he said, "he better not hurt you." I informed Roy of this and Roy replies with "or what?" Now if he was serious or not, I couldn't tell you, but I was having trouble standing up straight let alone thinking straight. So maybe I tried to start some drama by relaying Roy's message to TJ. Well that didn't go well with TJ.

Continued to next day. So TJ informed me that Roy's comment pissed him off & that was all he thought about all day & how he wanted to kick Roy's ass. Whoops. I tried to calm him down - telling him it wasn't a big deal - that neither of them knew each other & he shouldn't take it so seriously - blah blah blah. And when I finally got him to somewhat forget about it, he explained to me that "the thing is, [he] wants to be in a relationship with [me]" and he knows this because he cared so much about me going out and hasn't been able to stop thinking about me since the previous weekend. Then he went on this huge thing about that while the whole time I was probably blushing hardcore.

In the end, all he had to say was, "So...will you go out with me?" I cracked up because I felt like I was in high school when someone passes you a note asking: "will you go out with me. check yes or no." It was so sweet and innocent. I spent the night with him that night. It was amazing. Just lying in his arms and cuddling next to him as he just held me close. Then waking up to him lying beside me, staring at me with a huge smile was a great way to wake up. He had to go to work on Saturday so he was all dressed in his work clothes, ready to leave and it was just cute. Definitely something I can get used to.

Sunday, he came over with Chloe (his dog) and we went swimming. Well, me, him, my parents, & Cheyenne went swimming. Chloe was too chicken (maybe next time). Then I went back to his place in the afternoon to hang out before I had to go back to Tucson. I took a "nap" while he made me dinner. (I say "nap" because I kept going in & out of sleep.) I did hear a conversation he had on the phone with his grandma - I heard him say that he was making dinner for his girlfriend, and yeah, "she's awesome - she's a keeper." :-)

I must be special enough for granny to know.