but now I see, oh whoah, because I'm sitting on top of the world

I'm telling you: 2009 is my year. Which is very unexpected considering the year started off extremely shitty (had to attend my tata's funeral on Jan. 2nd). But it's starting to turn out amazing. Maybe it's my tata's way of saying, "I'm gonna be ok - continue living and improving your life and being the best you can be." It's nice to think he's looking over me in that way.

I bought my own car today. That's right. We went down to this used car lot to look at this Kia Spectra and I thought

 it was super cute and perfect for me. But we decided to look at a couple of other places first. Well, by the time I went back there (like a couple of hours later) someone else had the car on a test drive. I was really bummed because I thought it was the perfect car for me. And then when I was told that the other people were going to purchase the car, I was slightly heart broken. Chris insisted we take a look at the other cars in the lot to see if there was anything else I liked but by then I just really didn't care anymore. I really didn't think I could find a car that I would fall in love with as much as the Kia. The Chris saw a Chevy Impala and asked to take it on a test drive. I thought it was a nice looking car but wasn't completely convinced yet. Then on the test drive (I made him take it because I was a little chicken) I saw the interi

or - which was amazing: it looked as if the car was driven once - and saw all the cool things it had and got excited. When we got back and I talked to my dad and Roy about it and I looked at it some more, I feel in love with it.

Needless to say, we bought it. I say we, because it was technically Chris's money at the moment (I'll pay him back 

after a couple of paychecks). But it is my car. I got to drive it home and it drives wonderfully. I mean, it's so smooth and awesome. And I can blast my music when I want to. I can "sparky it up" as Roy says. I can drive it to Phoenix to see friends whenever I want (as long as I don't have to work). I can drive it to Jack in the Box when I'm craving tacos at midnight. I can do whatever I want with it! I loves it.

 

Last of Days

Holy ba-jeezus, has this trip back home been memorable. Not only did all these amazing things happen in the past week, but I've been a whirlwind of emotions. While "trying" to clean my room today, I came across so many old things - poems, letters, journals, pictures - to remind me of my high school days. OH MY GOD - my high school days - FOUR YEARS AGO! Looking over these things showed me how much I've grown (kinda) but it also just brought back so many memories. It's sad. It's crazy.

I especially found it funny when I was reading through old journals. My "relationship" with Derrick and how much of a joke it kinda was. And then reading about the things I wrote about Chris Henry and my enormous crush on him. Haha - I would write about all the little things he did and how I construed them to be "sweet" and "thoughtful" - I guess that's never changed about me. But then I would write how frustrated I was that he had his girlfriend and yet he still "flirted" with me. Haha. I realized I didn't write much on TJ except when he "broke up" with me. Although I did come across several poems about him. I can't believe how many poems I wrote back then and the ridiculous metaphors I used. I wrote about heartbreak which to me is hard to believe since I didn't experience it in higschool. What happened with TJ was fun but so short that it was impossible for me to fall in love with him. I maybe have been crazy and lustful for him, but love? No. I wrote about loss of friendships (or friendship rather). I wrote about random ass things. I even wrote about some things that I can't remember who it's about and why I wrote it. But I still have my very first poem I ever wrote (in 6th grade maybe?). We went outside and were assigned to write about something we saw. I remember sitting with Tracy (& possibly Kassie) on the little wall that surrounds a tree and seeing someone's thrown out french fry. Here it is:

Lying there on

the rocky surface

shrivelling up

like a dried apple

lying there all alone

sad and desperate

for someone to eat him,

that poor little fry

Hahahaha. It cracks me up. So emo-ish in a way. Haha. But I think the poem I wrote that brought back the most emotions is one I titled, The Jaded Truth, which was about TJ. It reminded me of the awesome-ness of our "relationship" and the first date he took me on and how it's still, to this date, the best first date I ever had. (So what if I only had 3?) He took me to Saguaro Lake during the sunset. Beautiful! And it also reminded me how stupid I was for getting so upset and "heartbroken" when he ended things. It made sense. He lived in Mesa & I was just about to move to Tucson. It's a major Duh.

It's fun: remembering my first job at Domino's. I wish I had access to my old pics (I think they're on my desktop which is currently out of commission) to show how much fun we had. I wish I could go back sometimes, to the first time I worked at Domino's. I had some pretty crazy times there. It really opened me up and allowed me to be myself. I remember standing on one end of the make-line while Chris Henry was on the other. He would toss pizzas to me to see if I can catch them. I remember me, Mark, and Chris Henry trying to see how fast we can make a pizza. I remember Adam and Chris Henry putting hot sauce on the pizza for the guy who called me a bitch (I didn't do anything wrong of course, just stupid unhappy people taking it out on the girl on the phone). I remember Terry running around shouting and clapping to keep everyone on their toes during rush hour. I remember meeting TJ for the first time and our make-out session behind the dough trays while Chris Henry and Mark tried to spray us with the sink hose. I remember working late nights with my boys. I remember a doodle TJ drew that he gave to me. I tried looking for it, but I think I eventually threw it away to help me "get over" him. I remember so much craziness and awesomeness. I loved it. I miss it. I miss my boys.

Although I didn't get to hang out with all my boys, I did get to hang out with Chris Henry & TJ the other night. 

We went to some bar where I got some blue delicious drink that totally did its toll on me. We hung out until it closed, catching up on so much (considering it's been over three years since Chris Henry or myself have seen TJ), and laughing alot (I of course almost laughed about everything since I laugh a lot when I've been drinking). I was definitely drunk by the end of the night - I spilled TJ's beer and my own drink during the night. We then 

went back to TJ's apartment and watched South Park and hung out some more. It was a good time. It was nice getting to hang out with old friends. It was also nice since I kinda got to TJ about the true reason as to why he ended things 3 years earlier. (Damn innocence.) And of course, as it always is, it was great hanging out with Chris Henry. 

Plus it's nice to hang out with people you know will take care of you and not let you do stupid things - for the most part. They won't let you get crazy ass, pass out drunk. And that's what I lack in T-Town. I wish I didn't have to go back. Stupid stupidness.

Don't know what I was looking for when I went home...

This has been quite an awesome and amazing week, well, last week was. First I finish my semester with my last final: statics. Then I get to see one of my favorite bands in Tempe. Amazing. Sure it was small and not many people there, but I still had a blast. And I got to hang with my good ol' buddy, Roy. (Too bad Chris couldn't make it...) 

And then I "graduate" from Chemical Engineering. Four years of challenges and roller coaster rides (good thing I like roller coasters) and now I'm done. For the most part. Ok, technically, I'm not a UA alumni just yet, I still have one final semester. But that final semester includes electives: dynamic meteorology, mineral processing, and possible another mineral processing class; with some filler (to be a full time student): weather and climate, the physical universe, and criminology. Not completely certain if I'm taking all those classes or not, but that's the jist of it. The moral of the story is that it's going to be an easy semester with not chemical engineering courses. So I'm pretty much done with chemical engineering, now I just gotta get the number of credits I need to graduate. Regardless, I had my ChEE pre-commencement ceremony on Friday and that's basically the last time I'll see my ChEE professors and my classmates. 

I also received a $1500 scholarship which is always nice to get some money. That same day I finally got my tax return back. Then today, I finally get my license! Haha, so what if it took me a little longer than most people. I finally did it. I am now, officially an adult. Ok maybe I'll be an official adult when I get a full-time job. Well, I'm getting there. Now I don't have to depend on people to drive me places. Woohoo! 

Yes, it's been a good week. And it's only Monday. Man it feels good to be back home.

tell me that you'll open your eyes...

I've been torn. For a very long time, I've been torn. It's been almost four years and I sometimes just don't feel it. I don't feel the magic anymore. And every time I try, I feel like I just get shut down. Rejected. Punched in the face even (not literally). It's exhausting. It's stressful. It's frustrating. But most of all, it's hurtful. Mainly because he just doesn't see it. He doesn't get it. I've wanted to give up before but realized that I'm not the kind of person to just give up. Never have been, never will be. So I kept trying. But now, I feel just so exhausted that I'm on the verge of either breaking down or just giving up.

These past two or three weeks have sucked. Sure, I finished my last spring semester of my college career. But Chris, being the procrastinator he is, decided to wait until the last two weeks of school to do every assignment that was ever assigned during the semester. (Not sure if that's completely true, but sure does seem like it.) So I haven't been able to really talk to Chris. Nor have I been able to just hang out & watch tv with him. Nor have I really been able to sleep next to him. (And don't even ask about our "intimate" life.) I've felt alone and neglected for what seems like to be forever. And it didn't help that I already felt neglected by him in a way. I have worked so hard this semester to avoid having to pull an all-nighter like I did last semester. I worked so hard to keep myself healthy and stress-free. I feel like he has decided to ignore the fact that stress causes horrible things, like, I dunno, seizures. To me it's ridiculous. People (Roy) keep telling me, well at least he's doing it. Yeah ok. True. But I still feel like it shoulda been done already.

So I've been down. I haven't been in the mood to "deal" with him for the last few weeks. I was annoyed and pissed that he didn't care how much I was hurt. I didn't really wanna talk to him. We've had a silent few weeks. And then I came home. He stayed in Tucson. I figured he wouldn't call (like he usually doesn't) but he did. But I was still annoyed.

Then I watch tonight's season finale of Grey's Anatomy. So sad. I hate when they end seasons like that. Anyways, the moral of the episode is that anything can happen and sometimes bad things happen unexpectedly. And sometimes, before you know it, people you love and care about die all of the sudden. It sucks. But that's life. So it was emphasized that it is important to let those you love & care about that you do love them before you never get the chance to (resulting in Meredith telling cold Yang that she loved her - as a friend of course). So I decided to suck up my stubborness and get over myself and give Chris a call. To let him know I love him. So after I told him what happened on Grey's and that I I loved him, he changes the subject completely to tell me that he was going over to Kevin's soon and that Lindsey was picking him up in a bit. I had to ask him to repeat himself because I couldn't believe what I heard. Lindsey - crazy Lindsey. Sure she wasn't Lauren, but this was Lindsey. Clingy, super-emotional, drama queen Lindsey. Going to hang out with my boyfriend - my fiance - and his friends. I don't even really hang out with his friends. I've hung out with them before, but they're just not really the people I hang out with. All they do is act all macho & prove to each other how macho they are and drink. Not my crowd really. But definitely Lindsey's. So here is this girl, who I know has hooked up with Chris, going to drink with Chris & his friends. And what am I worried about? That his friends will like her & think she's so cool because she can drink (can someone say alcoholic?). Then there's me. Little quiet Alicia. 

That's not even the biggest thing. What I find lame is that I was telling him how much I love him & he interupts me to say "oh, Lindsey just called, I'll call you back." Excuse me? That slut can wait. This was the first time that I really talked to him and stuff. What the hell? I feel like I have priority over some crazy friend who you haven't seen or talked to for like ever. Don't I?

So now I'm back to those classic negative thoughts that haunted me years ago. The ones that make me doubt everything. The ones that ruin my day. But at least he told me he was hanging out with her and not trying to hide it like he always does. But, still. It sucks when you're trying to tell someone you love them, and they decide to talk to someone else. Lameness. And now I feel insecure. I've never been an insecure person. But it seems like he thinks Lindsey's more fun than I am and knows how to have a good time (because she's an alcoholic!). His friends are gonna think she's cooler and before I know it, I'm being replaced by her. WTF?! When is he going to see the things I've done for him? When will he realize that I've made his life soo much better? I know it sounds conceited, but seriously. Before he met me. He was working as a server, lying to customers, and a college drop out. I told him go back to school. I went with him when he signed up for his classes again. I was there when he lost his jobs. I was there when he got his internships. I got him to stop wasting his life to pot. I made him someone his mom can be proud of (her words - she's told/thanked me before). So you can call me conceited, but I don't care. I'm grateful for what he's done for me, no doubt. But I would still be finishing college with or without him. I don't know if I can say the same for him...But he doesn't see it. I feel like he just sees me as just a girlfriend. Not someone he can live without. Not someone he enjoys spending time with. How do I know this? Honestly, I don't. I can only assume from his actions (such as tonight's episode) because he doesn't tell me things. I really don't think that's how it's supposed to be - I don't think that's what true love is...

I'm not saying I don't love Chris. I'm just not so sure he loves me as much as I love him sometimes.

And I'm still waiting for him to call back...an hour later...

For What It's Worth...

I think I still want to straighten things out about how I feel about my roommates. I have never talked "shit" about them - I've never said anything bad or offensive (the only maybe offensive thing I can think I said is that they don't have common sense - but I'm convinced about 98% of the population doesn't have common sense) nor have I ever said they are horrible people. Sure I bitched about inconsideration, but I will admit, there are times where I turn my stereo on in the early morning while I'm getting ready for class. It's not that I'm purposely trying to wake them up, rather than I'm so used to getting ready with music on I don't even think about it. So my roommates may not be inconsiderate but just not realize certain things. I know I'm guilty of that many times. And I'm not just singling out Amanda & Greg - in fact, sometimes Arica made me just a frustrated during those previous weeks. She too did all the things I've listed before. But again, I don't think they're bad people and have never said they were. I have the right to bitch or vent about whatever I chose to considering this is my blog. This is my place of writing about whatever I feel like writing about. It in no way means I hate people or am not their friend or talk shit about them. In fact, I was frustrated with the things they did, not the people themselves. But I'm over that. I really, truly believe I was avoiding the real issues in my life and my way of avoiding anything is cleaning. (That's when you can usually tell that I'm supposed to be doing homework or something more important.) I just feel like I had to clear that up since I came across none other than Amanda's blog and read an entry bashing my ways and claiming how hypocritical I am (how did I know she used blogger too & somehow came across mine?). I never once said I don't get frustrated about things and I've never once said I don't talk about people behind their backs (good or bad) so how does that make me a hypocrite? I understand I'm not the cleanest person so complaining about cleanliness is hypocritical, but in reality, that's not really the person I am. I am not a clean freak. So yes, it was wrong of me to complain about something that I'm usually just as guilty at (except for draining grease in a coffee mug - my mom always used an used can). And for calling "foul" when the truth is exposed? Ok. I'm not really sure what that means. I've come to the realization that my frustrations were just little frustrations and didn't mean anything and I shouldn't let it affect my life before I cam across this entry. Maybe I defend myself, as everyone has the right to. And maybe I think things differently, as again, everyone has the right to. But saying that I'm this horrible hypocrite for whatever I wrote about and that I deserve what I got (past fights with Greg) doesn't really make sense to me. Sorry. And as for Greg - I don't regret any of the fights we've had because we are really different people and those fights help me understand the person he is. I may not always get how he thinks and he probably won't always get what I think, but now we know not to jump to harsh conclusions when it comes to each other. And, yes, I was wrong to jump to the conclusions that my roommates are inconsiderate and have no common sense, because I didn't take into consideration what they've been going through (wedding, school, work, dance class, moving, finding new roommates, etc...) So I stick to my apology for doing that and for the fact that you think I'm a hypocrite. But again, I feel I had the right to vent about whatever on here and again, how am I supposed to know anyone reads this? I'm not psychic. But I still respect you as individuals and think you're great people and good friends. However you chose to take it now is your choice.

Wow, I didn't mean to get that into that. I meant to take back some of my statements for a while but just haven't gotten around to it. But reading that entry made me feel like I needed to straighten things out. If I did or not we'll probably never know, but I tried. I'm not saying I'm always right about everything I do. People make mistakes. And I'm a person. So, therefore, I'm not perfect. But my entries weren't written to piss anyone off or to make them believe I hate them or think they're horrible people or was I talking shit about anyone. They were just to vent out little frustrations as they occurred. That's all. It wasn't anything personal, it was solely me getting out frustrations. Were they important? No. Were they justifible? No. But were they expressing how I feel? Yes. And I thought that's what blogs are for.

I intended this blog to be about how I've been feeling about school lately, but I feel like it's gotten so long it'll just have to wait.

P/S: I do enjoy your company (talking about future tattoos, playing scategories, etc...) and do hope we can still drink peach/pear ciders while playing board games/card games together.

Change Your Mind

So it's been a few weeks since I've made a post. A lot has happened indeed. I want to start off by stating how lame I can be sometimes. I think sometimes I tend to over react about certain things and get frustrated waaay too easily. It's really a problem of mine and I'm starting to realize it. I look back at my very few previous blogs and laugh. Did I seriously just write all that just to complain about dishes or laundry? Wow. I can be pathetic.

I don't think I'm frustrated with my roommates or ever was really. I think I just decided to take out all my frustrations complaining about the little stupid things they did. I've had a pretty stressful semester. I just finished my 175 page report that just took a lot of time & energy from me. And I finished it a day early. Pat on our backs (my group & mine that is). But that senior design project sure did put a lot of stress on me. And not just that project, but my statics homework that takes me 4 hours 2 nights a week. And I still fail the test! That's pretty stressful too. I hate failing.

I've also been under a lot of pressure. This whole being engaged thing isn't as blissful and wonderful as I thought it would be. And sometimes I wonder if Chris even cares about anything at all? (Other than mining.) And since Chris had his seizure, I've been forced to drive to and fro. Sometimes I don't mind it. But sometimes I freak out. Takes yesterday for example - when I realized I had to drive on I-10. I was beyond terrified. I've driven on US-60 before, but the 60 & I-10 seem completely different. By like 20 mph. And I hate the fact that I think Chris is taking this opportunity of not being able to drive, to make me pay for 3 & 1/2 years of driving me everywhere, regardless if it stresses me out and I'm not ready or not. To me, that doesn't seem very supportive or understanding. And that's not cool. And then I have the pressure of: what are you going to do after you graduate? Chris is suddenly pushing me to go to grad school. I thought I was just going to go to work afterwards. Screw school. But now I feel like it's expected of me to go to grad school because why wouldn't I?

I've also been just feeling down. Being away from home sucks. Hardcore. And being away from friends also sucks. And I think I've come to the realization that after 4 years in Tucson, I think it's safe to say I've made 2 real friends. I'll say it again: I'm pathetic.

That's just a few of my real frustrations and feelings. So I'm over the dishes in the sink. I think I was just going through a super clean phase (sometimes cleaning calms me down & temporary makes me forget my stresses) and I really have no right to be angry or annoyed by anything my roommates do. This is what I signed up for. I can't expect everyone to be the same and have the same ideas as I do. That's just lame. And it was really wrong of me to do that. Again, I think I was just trying to take my frustrations out on them, because in reality, there's a lot of things I'm feeling. And I don't have anyone to talk to them about. Because Chris isn't the guy I can talk to. And Roy can't keep his damn mouth shut sometimes. And my mom, well, she's hours away. Sure I can call, but I hate calling people just to vent my depression and such - that's what I did to Tracy and I feel like it was really wrong of me to do that.

I think what gave me the realization to not be so stupid is Greg & Amanda's wedding yesterday. It was so sweet & simple. And his mother & grandmother kept telling Chris & I that we're so important in their lives and have done so much good for them and such. And I thought, wow, I'm a bitch. I'm a horrible friend. Here I am, the person who made Chris make up with Greg (& to not throw their 8 year long friendship over me), the person who convinced Chris & Arica that it was a good idea for them to move back in, the person who spend a whole lot of money on their Christmas presents, the person who always stuck up for Amanda when other people were saying how depressed she seems sometimes (they just don't get it) and I was basically talking shit behind their back. Not to people. But on here. But honestly, I'm not expecting anyone to read this. I'm still not. So in a way, it was my secret way of venting out frustrations. But I realized that I'm not really frustrated about the things they do (especially since over the past week that Chris is just as guilty at not cleaning dishes & other messes) but more at myself and the things going on my life. Complaining about dishes was my way of avoiding the topics that are really bothering me (aka: marriage, graduation, etc...) That's a whole different blog though.

So instead of using this blog to vent my stupid, unrealistic frustrations at whatever gets in my way first, I think I'm going to use it to get the real shit out. To try to understand the feelings I have and to let myself let it go. So I apologize to my roommates for seeming like a two-face bitch (just in case they happen to come across this). I really do care about them and think they're wonderful people. And great parents. And I'm more than happy for them. They deserve all the happiness in the world. And I truly honestly mean that. From now on, if something bothers me (and I mean truly bothers me), I'm just going to be an adult and let them know. I'm done acting like a child and writing emo blogs about shitty things. It's not like me.

On a side note, I think my new frustrations will gravitate towards the new CA blonde skanks that moved next door that are already having loud parties. That's going to keep me up more than some dryer...