black holes and revelations

it's quite amazing how much someone can influence your actions. I've always been a "be yourself" and "who cares what others think" kind of girl but I have learned to find it harmless to care what people think (to an extent) and to be influence by the people you spend your time around. and lately it makes me wonder who am I? a lot more. I mean, not just who am I? but who do I want to be? I know who I am - I'm Alicia. I work at a mine. I co-own a house, a car, and two dogs. and I have an awesome family that I'm really close with. But am I good? am I caring? am I spontaneous and fun? these are the things I feel a little more lost on. But that's the process of transisting from childhood/teen-hood to adulthood, right? that's what your 20s are for: finding out who you really are.

I find myself quite influenced by others lately. My brother & sister-in-law just bought their first home and within weeks of living there, it looks like a home. It looks like somewhere you can raise a family and eat spaghetti on the couch while watching movies. and it reflects who they are perfectly. my sister has done such a swell job at decorating their place. it made me slightly jealous. I love their house! I love what they've done with it. and it made me look around my own house (with Chris of course) and realize how it still looks new. sure, we've added a lot of furniture to it, but there's not much decorating. you can't look around and see mine or Chris's personality in it. I want a homey-home and ours doesn't meet the criteria. so my sister encouraged me to be more involved in decorating our house. I've always enjoy decorating and coordinating patterns and colors (I still wonder if I should have majored in interior decorating rather than chemical engineering) and I want to find more time to do it. I need to stop being lazy and embrace the bonding experience it will bring Chris and me (hopefully).

I also visited my dear friend Jenna this weekend who is a wonderful baker/cook. She whipped up some banana nut muffins within half an hour and they were DE-LISH-OUS. she inspired me to try harder to be a better cook and to take a shot at baking. I want to be more of a housewifegirlfriend. I want to be able to bake treats for people and make meals for parties. I want to be a hostess more and have people enjoy my cooking/baking.

overall, I think I want to become a better adult. take care of myself more. start relying on myself rather than others (they never follow through). and stop depending on restaurants to provide meals.