me, myself, and I

even though I've paused from monthly challenges, I'm still dedicated to getting healthy. not only for appearances (call me shallow, but I do want to look good for summer days by the pool drinking margaritas and daquoris), but also for my mental state. lately I've been so down in the dumps and it's gotten not only irritating, but also extremely exhausting. I'm tired of feeling so worthless and hopeless. I've come to realize that I need to start focusing on me. I need to focus on making me happy instead of destroying myself trying to make chris happy. they always say that you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. and I believe that I'm prohibiting myself from being loved. my angst and depression is pushing chris away. no one wants to be around a debbie downer. no one wants to love a debbie downer.

over the weekend I bought some cute workout clothes. clothes always motivate me. whether it's to find a reason to wear a cute dress or go outside to wear cute shorts, clothes encourage me to do something out of the norm. the workout clothes will want me to workout in their cuteness. and since I don't fit in any of my other clothes much anymore, (talk about depressing -  I've been able to fit in clothes I've had since high school! this is a feeling and situation that I am not used to.) I'll be even more motivated. I also bought some wegiths and more workout videos. my game plan is to continue my dancing videos (I now have a variety that I can alternate around) focus on ab workouts and do some strength training and cardio. I did Jillian Michael's video with weights yesterday and it totally kicked my ass. but afterwards I felt like a total badass with the ability to throw someone onto the ground if they get snippy. (I don't think I could though.) then eventually, once I become more conditioned, I can start running or bike riding or hiking to get myself out of the house. and because I'm doing this well before summer, I won't feel pressured to do it and give up thinking I don't have enough time.

starting yesterday, I'm going to keep track of the food I eat and the activities I do so that I can get an idea of my calorie consumption versus calories burned. I want to tone up and gain some muscle weight so I'll also weigh myself daily and keep track of my progress. I'll try to post any tips or comments I have along the way.

this is just one of the things that I'm going to do for me. this is going to be the year for me, not to sound selfish. but I need to make me the person I want to be.

quote of the moment:

"become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid"

-lady bird johnson