It's been quite a while since I've written - not that I didn't have anything to write about - but mainly because my life became so complicated and hectic it's taken me a while to sort everything out. I've spent the past couple of months growing up and falling down (again) - trying to remember what I want in life. I don't have everything figured out anymore and it seems like everything I once knew has gotten lost in the wind. I've been having a lot of "What the fuck?!" feelings lately and it sucks. Life was so good in July. What happened? Well here's a start:
TJ (John) & I broke up. It was my decision that came after four to five weeks of continuous fighting. I was nothing but honest & straightforward with him. But that was never enough. And his constant doubt and feeling that I wasn't being truthful pushed me away and forced me to become someone that wasn't me. I won't go into details about our ridiculous and often pointless fights, but it was nonstop. There were things he couldn't move past (like the fact that my best friends were Chris & Roy) & things I wasn't willing to compromise about (like not being friends with Chris & Roy). Near the end, I saw a violent side of him (no he wasn't violent towards me, just the wall) & then saw a clingy, obsessive side as he would call 5-10 times a day and send probably around 50 texts a day to me. I tried my best to help him understand how I felt and why I felt like things could never work but he refused to let go. This behavior, I can also say, pushed me away even further. But I think it's finally over now...five weeks later. And even though I miss the amazing times we had, I'm glad. I feel horrible for breaking his heart, but I think it was better of me to do it when I did rather than wait and make it worse. I'm not sure if I did truly love him (how can someone love someone after only a couple of months?) but I did care about him - and still do. But in order for him to move on, I have to cut my ties with him, unfortunately. I can't say it isn't hard. I still find myself thinking about what I had and how happy I was. But then I remember how I felt those five weeks and am confident in my decision.
That's all I have the energy to write about for now.
