believe in me

I haven't written in a while because life has given me a couple of challenges to overcome within the past few weeks. I won't go into details, but I've been forced to take a closer look at my values and morals and beliefs. I've had to chose when the right time to put my foot down is when it comes to what I believe in. And I've had to find the energy to move on.

We had a thief going through our offices. Someone who was stealing money. And we had an idea who it was. The supervisors and I got what most people would think is enough evidence against the individual and turned it into HR. Our HR reps then conducted an "investigation." It was at this time, that I realized for the first time in my life, that HR does not fight for their employees. Instead, they fight for the company.

I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, "well, yeah, duh." but I had more trust in the company that I worked for. And especially for the people that work down the hall from me. They didn't even bother fighting for us. They just gave in. Brought the thief back to work. No penalty. Nothing.

I was angry. I was upset. I was disgusted. How can I work for a company that feels comfortable bringing a thief back into the workforce? How can they think it's right to force everyone else to take extra precautions and lock up their lunches & offices because of one individual that we know is guilty of stealing? What kind of morals do these people have?

I had a lot of thinking to do during the past couple of weeks. A lot of deep thinking - the exhausting kind. The kind that drains you emotionly and tears you apart. I couldn't believe what was happening. I put trust in others and it comes back to bite me in the ass. What did I ever do wrong?

I found myself questioning my morals and values. I even contemplated quitting my job. I thought that maybe me quitting, or threatening to quit, would make them realize what they were doing was wrong. They were bringing back a thief. We had proof. I don't want to work for a company that doesn't fight for their employees.

If you watch the Glee Project like I do, then you should know this week Cameron (my fave!) didn't get kicked off, but rather chose to leave. WHY?! he was so talented and relatable and adorable! but he didn't feel like he could put his beliefs aside and act character that is "sexable." I'm sure there's other reasons, but this was the jist of the episode.

It got me thinking back to my situation though. Should I quit my job because they didn't have the same beliefs I did? I asked myself, if I were Cameron would I have quit because I was told to kiss someone? and I was easily able to answer no. Because a job is a job. you do it to make a living. As long as I stuck to my beliefs and knew what my morals were, I would be ok acting a character who may not have the same beliefs. Because that's the job.

So did I quit? No. Because I know that all the supervisors here and the rest of the crew out on the floor, back me up. They are just as angry as I am. It doesn't make sense why our own HR reps would do what they're doing (I could understand corporate, but our own people?) but I've had to accept the fact that HR only looks at the costs to the company. I know what my beliefs and morals are. And I know that the actual human beings that I work with on a daily basis have the same morals as I do.

yes, I'm still alive...

just to quickly summarize the basics of what has gone on in my life since my last post:

1. my boss left the company and ended up screwing me over by not teaching me anything.
2. I celebrated the victory of the Dallas Mavericks waay too much and hopefully never again.
3. my baby, Pepper, turned one year old.
4. we bought an elliptical.
5. my best friend from tucson, Roy, and his pregnant wife moved in with us for the summer.
6. Chris and I started couples counselling again with a different counsellor.
7. I know how to tend a vegetable/fruit garden.
8. I learned how to bake zucchini bread, zucchini brownies, and zucchini muffins.
9. I can put my hair up in a high ponytail (I joined my cousin, aunt, and mom in the challenge of growing our hair out for Locks of Love).
10. I've become convinced that someone stole my camera from my office (or I just really misplaced it).
11. I bought a new camera.
12. saw the new Transformers movie. (AWESOME!)
13. got a new cell phone.
14. Chris and I have been fighting less and getting along more.
15. Chris won a weight-loss challenge we were doing at work and contributed a big chunk of money to my birthday trip (see below).

so basically not a whole lot has changed. and although I probably could scrounge up enough thoughts and opinions to write a post, I just have not had the time to do so. since my boss left and I have assumed his responsibilities, my work days are more stressful and exhausting. and I try to be as productive and efficient as I can during my 4-5 hours of time at home after work by either baking (due to the operpopulation of zucchinis from my parents' garden), working out (I've got to get to my "San Diego body"!), or trying to get some rest.

due to the fact that Chris chose to ignore my birthday last year, he's insisting we take a week-long trip during the week of my birthday. we have plenty of PTO to burn so I'm not gonna say no. initially I wanted to go to Seattle but I'm starting to think about other possibilities. we bought a time share a few years back (before we even graduated college! talk about irresponsibility and impulsive buying!) so we might use that to go somewhere more exotic. who knows. 

I'm going to try to blog more often and not just about random things going on in my life, because I feel like that gets pretty boring. so I have to restructure my thought process to have a more interesting and helpful blog. something that people can relate to. relationship issues. growing up. working full-time. music. family. opinions. something people will want to read. that's my goal.

black holes and revelations

it's quite amazing how much someone can influence your actions. I've always been a "be yourself" and "who cares what others think" kind of girl but I have learned to find it harmless to care what people think (to an extent) and to be influence by the people you spend your time around. and lately it makes me wonder who am I? a lot more. I mean, not just who am I? but who do I want to be? I know who I am - I'm Alicia. I work at a mine. I co-own a house, a car, and two dogs. and I have an awesome family that I'm really close with. But am I good? am I caring? am I spontaneous and fun? these are the things I feel a little more lost on. But that's the process of transisting from childhood/teen-hood to adulthood, right? that's what your 20s are for: finding out who you really are.

I find myself quite influenced by others lately. My brother & sister-in-law just bought their first home and within weeks of living there, it looks like a home. It looks like somewhere you can raise a family and eat spaghetti on the couch while watching movies. and it reflects who they are perfectly. my sister has done such a swell job at decorating their place. it made me slightly jealous. I love their house! I love what they've done with it. and it made me look around my own house (with Chris of course) and realize how it still looks new. sure, we've added a lot of furniture to it, but there's not much decorating. you can't look around and see mine or Chris's personality in it. I want a homey-home and ours doesn't meet the criteria. so my sister encouraged me to be more involved in decorating our house. I've always enjoy decorating and coordinating patterns and colors (I still wonder if I should have majored in interior decorating rather than chemical engineering) and I want to find more time to do it. I need to stop being lazy and embrace the bonding experience it will bring Chris and me (hopefully).

I also visited my dear friend Jenna this weekend who is a wonderful baker/cook. She whipped up some banana nut muffins within half an hour and they were DE-LISH-OUS. she inspired me to try harder to be a better cook and to take a shot at baking. I want to be more of a housewifegirlfriend. I want to be able to bake treats for people and make meals for parties. I want to be a hostess more and have people enjoy my cooking/baking.

overall, I think I want to become a better adult. take care of myself more. start relying on myself rather than others (they never follow through). and stop depending on restaurants to provide meals.

AMFs, tacos, and the renaissance

I kind of fell off the wagon last week. I stopped working out, ate A LOT, and was just overall lazy. I don't really know what came over me and at the end of the week I just had zero motivation.

then I hung out with friends friday night. taco night saturday (my favorite nights in the world!). and went to the ren fair on sunday. being able to let loose and have some fun has given me my motivation back. I'm really starting to realize the importance of balancing work time, fun time, and productive time. for a while there I was just being productive and even though it felt great, it became overwhelming.

so with my new motivation comes a list! (oh how I love lists.) things I want to accomplish this week.

• workout after work every day
• get doggie bed for outside
• start to adapt pepper to being outside during the day
• put paitings/pictures up
• buy cute decorations for bathroom (target!)
• do something different and out of my comfort zone this weekend

hopefully I can get my butt back into gear. I had enough lazy days. now back to working on my San Diego body!

when I grow up...

how I got from wanting to be a teacher to being a metallurgist.

as a kid, I remember wanting to be a teacher. I'm not really sure why, but so did my best friends at the time, so it seemed fitting.

when I was really young (and I mean really) I remember getting (or maybe my brother got it) this little magazine titled "WEATHER" in the mail. (I think it was a bonus issue for being a subscriber of "wild animals" or whatever that magazine was called.) I would look through that thing and study it until the pages fell apart. and then I still browsed through the lone pages. I remember matching the clouds in the sky to their names in the "cloud" section. I remember reading about tornadoes and cyclones. that was my favorite magazine and the start of my weather fascination. (I think I still have it somewhere too.)  so when I got into middle school, I wanted to be a meteorologist. not the kind that's on the news and is wrong 80% of the time, but the kind who studies storms and chases them. my mom always thought I was crazy since I have an intense fear of the wind, but that's what I wanted to do for a long time. I loved the weather.

when junior and senior year of high school came along and we were told by the career counselor that we needed to find a major to apply to college, I still had meteorology on my mind. I looked at colleges that offered a bachelor's in meteorology. to my disappointment, I only found a few, University of Florida being one of them. I had no desire to go to Florida. I wanted to stay instate. or at least a-days-worth-of-driving-back-home-state.

so how did I get from meteorology to chemical engineering? after realizing that you needed a masters to be a meteorologist, I returned back to the white board. I remember looking through this monstrous book (at the "recommendation" of our counselor) senior year. I don't remember how I came across chemical engineering, but I did and it made me think of making household products, like windex and pine-sol. I thought that sounded fun and always thought it would be cool to be a part of the process of manufacturing products every one uses every day.

so then, how did I get from chemical engineering to metallurgy? I still dreamed of making cooler and greener household products when sophomore summer of college came along and my boyfriend (chris, who just switched from civil engineering to mining engineering) was able to score an internship close to my parent's house. back then, the mining industry was a lot more laxed than it is now (or maybe it was just that company) so he told the HR rep:

"I'll work for you if you get my girlfriend an internship too."

I thoroughly enjoyed my internship and found the mining industry completely fascinating. the process of making copper was amazing. but I still wanted to try to get internships in the other chemical engineering fields: processing and oil. the next summer came along and I went to the job fairs and distributed my resumes to proctor and gamble and exxon and such and heard nothing. thing is: processing and oil are in an abundance of chemical engineers since the majority chem e's going into those fields. so these companies were a lot more strict with their applicants. not that I had poor grades or anything, but compared to my classmates who lived and breathed chemical engineering, I had no luck. mining, on the other hand, were ecstatic to have chemical engineers apply and paid little attention to grades. and then I realized that once I get in the mining industry, which I already was at that point, getting other internships was a breeze. I was able to score three internships out of the four summers I was in college which isn't common for my classmates (the first chris got for me, the other two I was able to get myself). then while the rest of my classmates were struggling to find jobs and eventually succumbing to grad school as graduation creeped up, I got a job as a metallurgist. (a metallurgist is like a chemical engineer but focuses more on metals, minerals and mining where as a chemical engineer is more broad. most of the classes coincide with each other.)

so that's how I got to where I am today. I had to remind myself because this week has been so hectic and frustrating it had me questioning why I chose this profession in the first place.

quote of the moment:

"a person can only eat an elephant one bite at a time. 

holding him down for the first leg is the hardest part."

-a coworker

panicking and a cherry on top

I seem to panic and stress at the silliest things - stuff people normally wouldn't even notice was happening. or stuff that people normally would find so insignificant they would just brush it off their shoulder. nope, not me. I freak over little things yet I'm surprisingly calm when it comes to big actual stressful situations (presentations, interviews, etc...)

for example, I hate, HATE, HATE driving without directions or a clear understanding of where I'm going. I will not go on the road without knowing where I'll end up. and if I do, I'll have my trusy GPS (Luvie) with me.

other things I panic about:

• holding people up in a line (hence why I very seldom go to subway)
• making any kind of phone call (I usually have to write myself a script)
• conference calls (where it's harder to write a script)
• being around or talking to my superintendent and/or manager (not that they're bad guys)
• gas (I've only hit the empty line - not dying empty, but the empty line when the "low fuel" light comes on - twice)
• hospitals

I think know my problem is that I tend to overthink everything. I go over every possible scenario and how I would handle them in my head before I do anything. and if I'm unsure of any possible scenarios, I will have a full fledge panic attack (not very often - maybe once or twice). maybe I have a controlling nature. I have to know what's going on at all times. I need to feel prepared. there's no way I can just "wing it." I practice presentations so many times that I memorize what I will say (which is why I usually don't get stressed over them). if only there was a way to stop my mind from thinking too much

on another note

 my lovely sister(in law) gave me the "cherry on top" award. *gasp*cheers*tear* pretty cool I think. my first ever award.

in order to accept the award you have to:

• list 3 things you love about yourself
• post a picture you love
• pass on to 5 other blogs you just adore!
  

so my 3 things I ♥ about me:

1. my personality. I can laugh about anything and get along with pretty much every one. I think I'm a burst of fresh air who makes things interesting. even if I do panic at times.
2. that I can be a girly girl and still root for sports harder than some guys.
3. that I can appreciate everyone and everything. from my coworkers who kindly answer my stupid questions to the lady who gives me my "free throw" book at the suns game when I head to my seat, I think everyone has good in them.
   

one of my favorite photos:

pepper (when she was still a pup) & ginger

5 blogs I ♥

1. moms are for everyone - emery jo's stories of her relationship with her husband, with God, and her children always leaves you with a smile on your face when you're done reading (go congrat her on her adorable new baby boy!).
2. she breathes deeply - mandy is so sweet and adorable it's hard not to love her blog (also go congrat her on her beautiful baby girl!).
3. lullabies to terrorize - I've known amanda for quite some time from tucson and I enjoy her bluntness and refusal to candy coat anything.
4. playing house- full time - I feel like I can really relate to autumn and her feelings on life and herself. I wish she lived closer so i can visit and chat over tea while watching her adorable girl.
5. three birds - chelsea has an amazing ability to make every situation either drop dead hilarious or extremely heartwarming which always makes for an interesting read. (while you're there congratulate her on her baby on the way)
   

Enjoy!

me, myself, and I

even though I've paused from monthly challenges, I'm still dedicated to getting healthy. not only for appearances (call me shallow, but I do want to look good for summer days by the pool drinking margaritas and daquoris), but also for my mental state. lately I've been so down in the dumps and it's gotten not only irritating, but also extremely exhausting. I'm tired of feeling so worthless and hopeless. I've come to realize that I need to start focusing on me. I need to focus on making me happy instead of destroying myself trying to make chris happy. they always say that you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. and I believe that I'm prohibiting myself from being loved. my angst and depression is pushing chris away. no one wants to be around a debbie downer. no one wants to love a debbie downer.

over the weekend I bought some cute workout clothes. clothes always motivate me. whether it's to find a reason to wear a cute dress or go outside to wear cute shorts, clothes encourage me to do something out of the norm. the workout clothes will want me to workout in their cuteness. and since I don't fit in any of my other clothes much anymore, (talk about depressing -  I've been able to fit in clothes I've had since high school! this is a feeling and situation that I am not used to.) I'll be even more motivated. I also bought some wegiths and more workout videos. my game plan is to continue my dancing videos (I now have a variety that I can alternate around) focus on ab workouts and do some strength training and cardio. I did Jillian Michael's video with weights yesterday and it totally kicked my ass. but afterwards I felt like a total badass with the ability to throw someone onto the ground if they get snippy. (I don't think I could though.) then eventually, once I become more conditioned, I can start running or bike riding or hiking to get myself out of the house. and because I'm doing this well before summer, I won't feel pressured to do it and give up thinking I don't have enough time.

starting yesterday, I'm going to keep track of the food I eat and the activities I do so that I can get an idea of my calorie consumption versus calories burned. I want to tone up and gain some muscle weight so I'll also weigh myself daily and keep track of my progress. I'll try to post any tips or comments I have along the way.

this is just one of the things that I'm going to do for me. this is going to be the year for me, not to sound selfish. but I need to make me the person I want to be.

quote of the moment:

"become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid"

-lady bird johnson

jumping back on the train

I've been quite disappointed with myself lately and my lack of ability to keep up with my monthly challenges. but then I realized that, honestly, I just don't have that much time to dedicate to blogging. I enjoy it and I enjoy reading blogs, but I don't have all day to sit around and blog about anything and everything. I don't have the time to research different things and browse for things I like. as much as I want to, there just isn't enough hours in the day.

as for february's challenge - I was doing really well and feeling really good until the cold got me. it wasn't even that bad of a cold - I just missed one day of work and that was because I had this fever that wouldn't go away. I didn't have a bad cough or snot running down my nose all day, like my usual colds although I did lose my voice for a couple of days. but I definitely took advantage of "needing to rest" to "recover." I probably rested a little too long. but I feel motivated to get going again. mainly because I want to look good this summer. I want to look and feel healthy. so I'm thinking about extending my challenge through next month. and hopefully I'll be more successful.

so not a whole lot has gone on lately. my heart is still recovering from playing with and falling in love with an adorable black 8-week old lab puppy this weekend at petsmart and then having to leave it behind. my parent's attitude has drastically changed and I enjoy spending time with them again. and chris and I are the same ol' same ol'.

I want to change my attitude. I want to change who I've become. so I'm going to try to be more positive. be more honest. be less lazy. be more active. and communicate more. maybe the more I communicate with chris, the more he'll realize it's not that hard.

together we'll bring in the new year

I'm very grateful that 2010 is over, because frankly, it was quite lame. it wasn't horrible - I didn't endure any intense hardships, but it wasn't fantastic either. in fact, I felt quite distant during 2010. I'm not even sure what all happened in 2010. I just feel like I was constantly hit by wave after wave and I spent most of the year struggling to keep afloat. 2010 definitely was a year of being smacked in the face by reality and nostalgic memories and yearnings for of my simple childhood.

even though 2010 wasn't the best year for me, the last week has been amazing. and it only brings me hope that it is an early start to a wonderful new year.

my family has finally gotten my tata's ashes back - after 2 years of him collecting dust at the evil step-nana. that lady has brought our family so much drama it's good to have him back and to be able to move on - even though we won't have all his artwork and possessions we were promised.

my dad got a job!!! it's been a long almost decade of him being unemployed and my mom trying to make ends meet, but he's finally done it! and not just any job, and amazing job at intel! I'm so excited for all the things my parents can do now with the extra (more than I make) income! I'm so proud of him and I know they will both have the best new year ever!

I've never been good at making resolutions. not only because I never follow through with them, but mainly because I forget what they are. but here's a list of my main goals for the year

1. get some results on my iron-transfer project at work - I put it off for quite some time and then when I felt confident enough to get started I got slammed with spreadsheets and data analysis. so I'm hoping I can get something accomplished this new year.
2. cook more. and not just the usuals (tuna casserole and edamame lo mien, although they are both delicious). I want to get so used to cooking that I can experiment with recipes and ingredients. I want to make scrumptious meals for guests and be able to make something new and exciting for chris & I.
3. donate more to organizations and charities that do good, like the arizona humane society and such. and not just money, but also my time. I used to volunteer all the time in high school, so I would like to start that again.
4. get healthy. I don't really need to lose weight, in fact, I should probably gain some weight - get some muscles at least. and then I just want to be healthy and active like I used to be. go hiking more. take the dogs for more walks. dance more often. eat more fruits and veggies.
5. no more french fries. this goes along with #4 of course. I'm a HUGE french fry fanatic. I almost eat some every day - or at least 3-4 times a week. they're not healthy for me (but they're soooo goooood). but I won't be able to cut back on them (because I'll have the power to decide how much is cutting back) so I need to cut them out of my diet completely. I'm pretty sure this is impossible for me to do, but if I do happen to achieve it, I'll feel pretty awesome. 
6. get back on track when it comes to my relationship with chris. whether it be stay together and be happy, or move on, I need to make a decision and stop putting myself through so much pain and heartache. 
7. take more time for myself. I spend a lot of time trying to please everyone around me that I get overwhelmed with responsibilities and fall apart. I need to take more time to relax, do things I enjoy, and breathe.
8. be more welcoming/friendly to strangers. I'm not a mean person, but I think if I do something simple like smile or say "hello" to a stranger, it would really make their day. and I would feel awesome for making someone's day.
9. be more adventurous. I want to do some traveling and random road trips. I want to do things I normally wouldn't do, like go dancing or driving to the mountains. life is short and I spend waaay too much time of it being bored and sad.
10. stop being so sad/depressed. it's seriously not fun.

hopefully by this time next year I'll have accomplished most of these. I'm gonna make 2011 my year.

Day 18: Plans/dreams/goals you have

I swear I will get through this dang thing. I SWEAR!!

my plans/dreams/goals right now is to find my soulmate. I'm not completely convinced it's chris at the moment. (is that bad?) I want it to be, but I feel like there's more. I feel like I'm missing something. that connection. that emotional intimacy. And if it's Chris, awesome. I just want him to become soulmate material by being my partner in life.

other goals/dreams/plans I have:

• have a great christmas holiday and show those I love that I care about them deeply
• start my Fe transfer project at work (it'd probably help if I wasn't blogging instead)
• prove to my boss and other coworkers that I'm not an idiot
• go to San Diego again next year with more of my lovely girls
• go on an awesome vacation and spend some quality time with chris
• wash my car
• be happy

I had dinner with my bestest friend in the world last night and it was so nice to have someone to talk to again. I've been bottling a lot of emotions inside lately, it's just not like me. and because of that, I haven't been my usual bubbly & fun self. I've just been so depressed & in a funk that it seems like nothing helps get me out of it. she suggested I take this supplement that is supposed to increase my mood so I'm gonna start on that tonight and see if my mood and attitude towards life improves.

Day 17: Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why...and stuff

I've really been slacking in the whole 30-day challenge. I imagine it's only supposed to take 30 days, but I think I'm creeping around day 41 and am only a little over halfway done. Whoops. I've been lazy in life, or what most people would call overwhelmed & stressed to the max. it seems I have this never-ending to-do list in my head, not to mention the bazillion hand-written versions scattered everywhere, and rather than trying to cross them off, I panic and avoided them all together. but I'm determined to finish. my sister megan was able to finish in a timely manner (you go girl) so I can get it done eventually too, right?

it seems odd that less than a year ago, I was studying my butt off (or as much as I would allow myself - I was never the big studier) hoping to pass finals, hoping to find a job, hoping to find somewhere to live, and hoping to get a good review at work all in the same week. and in one day everything fell together into place and life was great. until reality hit.

and maybe my downfall is that I found a job and bought a house right after college. I didn't get a transition period to rent an apartment and start paying bills. instead, I get washed over by a tidal wave of responsibilities and duties as an adult. and it's definitely getting to me lately.
that in combination with ongoing issues with chris and I, I've been pretty down in the dumps and not wanting to do much of anything. I just can't wait for it all to get better.

anyways, back to today's task: who do I want to switch lives with for a day...hmmm...I wouldn't really want anyone to have to suffer through my life right now, but I could switch lives with pepper. yes, my puppy. she's got the life. getting affection and love and attention almost all day long. being able to sleep on the couch or snuggle up under the covers next to the people you love the most. getting to entertain myself with a squeaky ball for hours then entertain myself with a bone for more hours. being so stinkin adorable. and not have to worry about the bills. that's the life. my puppy's got it made. she's pretty spoiled. so switching lives with her would be relaxing. & maybe she can understand why I don't want her chewing on everything.

but if I could, I would want to live in the shoes of a young mother for a day. because I've got that baby itch and maybe that will help me make a decision of whether or not I want kids someday. and maybe I would have a loving & supportive husband/father to help me take care of this child. and maybe we could take him/her to the park & play on the swings or maybe we could take him/her to the zoo to see the animals. maybe we can drive this baby around neighborhoods to look at christmas lights. and maybe this baby & I could sit around and play and listen to michael buble and michael jackson and 'n sync together. maybe our doggies will adore our baby and let him or her crawl all over and snuggle with them. maybe.

 because it's been so long, check out the full list here.

seriously done

your words will no longer force a tear
       I deserve better than that.
your struggles can not bring me more stress
       my support and love will never fade.
your lack of focus will not control my life
       we will get through this.

I will climb out.
I will break through the darkness.
and I will be me again.

just a sloppy poem I threw together (I haven't truly written for a good 5 years). but basically I'm turning over my new leaf today. I am motivated. I will keep myself busy doing fun things (DIY crafts!). I'm done feeling sorry for myself and feeling like my life is so horrible. there are families who can't afford a meal for days. sure my life's got it shitty situations and moments, but I am strong enough to take everything as a lesson and grow from it. there's no reason for me to be depressed. there's no reason for me not to be happy.

a lot of shit's been thrown in my face the past few weeks that I wanted to take the easy way out. I didn't want to deal with anything anymore. I was exhausted. but I'm over that. everything that happens in life is a challenge and a lesson to learn. and I should embrace it all. even if it does blow. nothing should be able to control my destiny. only I can control my destiny. only I can choose to be happy or depressed.

reasons to be happy right now:

1. got my hair done last week & I'm still oohing & ahhing over it.
2. I'm almost done with my jewelry organizer project. can't wait to show it off!
3. getting awesome office furniture tomorrow. now I can finally organize endless piles of papers and shit and decorate the office (yay suns room!)
4. chris & I get to go to our first suns game of the [pre]season!!! 
5. getting to spend endless amounts of time with the fam.
6. pepper's still growing & is more awesome every day!
7. things are good and will continue to get better with chris & mine's relationship.
8. basketball season starts in a week!!!
9. I'm going to eat lunch now. yum

cliff notes of my life

yes, I understand it's been awhile since my last posting but I've been too lazy to really get in touch with my feelings and spill them out. so instead of going into detail of how my last 4 weeks or so have been, here is the summed up, cliff notes version.

9/19/2010

took my girls trip to san diego. had a blast. weather was perfect. can't wait to do it again.

therapy seems to be a waste of my time.

fights with my dad is really getting to me.

suns win their first preseason game against the mavericks on saturday. cardinals pulled off a win sunday with undrafter rookie hall starting.

10/10/10

chris & I visited the ol' town of tucson for his best friend's wedding (which he was a part of - he's the one with the red arrow pointing at him). I haven't been in tucson since I graduated and got to catch up with an awesome friend. (sadly no pictures.) the wedding was nice, but I have a list of things I DON'T want to do at my wedding.

10/9/10

we got our half season tickets package for the 2010-2011 suns basketball season! I probably gave chris's dad good reason to think I'm lame because I jumped up and down a bit. (ok a lot.) I can't wait until october 19 when we get to go to our first game! (preseason.)

and our first regular season game is the home opener against the lakers!!!

aahhhhh!

talk about nerve wrecking....but it can't be as bad as the loved ones who have to wait 15-20 minutes for their beloved to come up from the chilean mine after 69 days! (yay for the rescued miners!)

semi-charmed kinda life

chris is mad at me. no. worse. he's hurt by something I've done. and thing is - I had no intentions of hurting him. (who does?) I posted about our counselling on facebook and he's hurt because he feels it's no one's business. and he's right. I feel really bad. I really wasn't thinking with that one. I wish I could take it back.

but at the same time, I didn't post it to show people how unhappy I've been at times. I posted it to see if I had support from my friends. I was a little scared going into it. I mean, I'm 23 and am already in couples counselling? really? at first I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. should I be ashamed or embarrassed or is it ok? and I guess I was looking to friends to clear that up for me.

and they did. those who commented on my post made me realize that it's not a bad thing that we're in counselling. in fact, we should be proud of ourselves. because we're taking action. we're not sitting back and letting things get worse. we know something's wrong and we care about each other enough to want to fix it. I think it shows strength. I think it shows courage. yes I'm 23 and in couples counselling, but at least I'm not 53 and in couples counselling. at least I haven't spent 25 years unhappy. at least I won't have to go through an ugly divorce and have to split everything up.

I've seen (or rather, heard) so many couples fall apart because they simply give up. they give up on each other. something bad happens and they're done. they don't try to understand why the bad thing happened and what it means. they just break up or divorce. they throw away years of memories and families. they're willing to put their children through sadness and pain because they don't think something's worth fixing. come on now, shit happens. people make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. not every one is born to be the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend. but when you care about someone deeply, you work with them to make your relationship work. and you have to exhaust all your resources.

I understand sometimes people should just break up because they aren't compatible. but things like lying, or the inability to communicate, or excessive partying are things you can fix. they are within your control. and if you're not happy about it - and the other person wants to make a change - there's no reason not to do something about it. the sooner the better. operation: get chris to communicate has gone to a whole new level. and I think it'll be worth it. I've spent too much time with him - too many lessons from him. and we have so much to look forward to if we are able to make it work. plus five years of memories and joint custody of two dogs makes it worth doing every single thing we can.

so with that being said, I am proud of us for taking charge of our lives - for refusing to move on from something great. and we're taking care of important issues before we tie the knot. because they're not going to magically disappear once we get married. we both want to live happy lives together and are doing what needs to be done in order to achieve that. although, I probably didn't need to make it as public as I did. telling close friends and family would have been sufficient and kept chris from being upset. whoops.

I'll have to discuss how I feel about our first session some other time (without giving too many details of course). for now: one day at a time.

new york and labor day in pictures

warning: lots of pictures to follow. :)

amazing news. I mentioned earlier that my brand new hard drive died on me last week - just days after uploading all my new york pictures on it. I thought I lost 10 days worth of awesome-ness and was absolutely crushed. not to mention chris was also really upset since he's convinced it'll be the last time he visits there because his grandma was thinking about selling it.

weeeelllll, turns out I uploaded 121 of the photos onto facebook! I didn't realize I did because when I tried uploading, it kept coming up with an error so I didn't think I ever got them uploaded. but I did! 

yaaay!

I don't have all the pictures I took but 121 of them is a lot and definitely enough to visually remember our little vacay. so here's my faves:

chris's grandma's backyard take feet from her back door.

chris's grandma's adorable house

sunset over findely lake

I loved the contrast of the sunset in new york compared to what I'm used to seeing. in arizona, our sunsets are deep, rich oranges and purples whereas here I felt they were softer and more pastel-y. beautiful in it's own way.

me frolicking in green lands 

there was so much green I couldn't believe my eyes. coming from arizona where the only green you see is weeds or pine trees up north, the amount of green I saw here was amazing. I loved every inch of it. but I don't think I could trade my desert in just yet.

canoeing

the beautiful church chris's grandpa pastored at

I'm not a religious person but I was awestruck with this church. I found it absolutely astonishing. the inside was insane with intricate woodwork and gorgeous stain glass. chris's grandpa was a pastor at this church for about 13 years! 

looking at lake erie.

chris and I at Niagra Falls (on the canadian side)

and since I have my computer up and working and my sister uploaded some pictures of our labor day bbq, I thought I share a couple of those too.

cheyenne, pepper, and my dad

I swear she's a little camera ham

pepper & cheyenne swimming along

it looks like they're best buddies, but in reality pepper is the annoying little cousin that cheyenne despises. she's actually scared of pepper. she refuses to go outside if pepper's at the door.yenne's almost anti-social I think.

I'm so thankful for facebook and it uploading most of my pictures. I'm also thankful for my awesome family and amazing photographer sister. :)

how the weekend went

I'm copying my sister & checking off what I accomplished this weekend.

• return dead hard drive to benson systems for replacement (thank god it's under warranty)
• groceries 
• start laundry 
• clean up the house still could use some cleaning though
• morning hike up Silly Mountain with the pups such a wonderful hike! I'll post pictures/go into more detail later
• more laundry/cleaning around the house
• dinner and seeing comedian iliza shlesinger at the tempe improv with scegan sooo much fun! had a great time laughing my ass off and hanging with my family
• dog park with the pups
• pick out & plant a eucalyptus tree in our backyard we ended up buying several trees - a local(ish) nursery was having a end of the summer sale and we got a pretty good deal on a package: a huge (4-6 years old) eucalyptus, a huge ficus, a super (1-3 years old) african sumac, and 5 different shrubs. we pretty much have all the plants we need for our backyard now and the nursery will do the planting for us! (not until the end of the month though, poo.)
• give bentley (our new car) a bath probably the most torturous task of the weekend - I was absolutely exhausted when I was done. and my nails still have dirt underneath. ew.
• relax & watch movies/catch up on our favorite tv shows saw law abiding citizen which I liked and watched some desperate housewives and teen mom
• morning hike on favorite trail through Superstition Mountains with the pups
• one of the following:
• Phoenix Zoo & Desert Botanical Gardens
• Golfland & walking around downtown
• D-backs vs. Giants game
• swimming & bbqing at my parent's (hopefully we can get pepper in the water now that she's older/bigger) pepper did sooo much swimming it was awesome! (pics later) and we had a good time playing charades (my dad did a great rattlesnake - too bad no one got it) and perfect ten (a fun trivia game).

I think overall we did pretty good. we didn't go anywhere monday except to my parent's but it was nice and relaxing and we still had a lot of fun. we also didn't do our hike around the superstitions but that was mainly because we were both pretty sore (me from washing my car and chris from jogging with the dogs). I told chris that I felt like the weekend was going by slower since we were doing stuff and he agreed. we also agreed that we had a pretty awesome weekend and enjoyed each other's company. we hardly fought too! we decided we're going to try to spend every weekend like this last one.

this week is a short week (thankfully) and we have our counselling appointment on saturday. I'm nervous as hay, but also really anxious. hopefully I can stay sane throughout the week.

weekend plans

after asking chris daily for the past week about whether or not we were going to make a trip this weekend, we, together, finally concluded to stay home. and I'm actually ok with it. I thought I'd be crushed, but I'm not. I am still determined to have a fun-filled weekend . I mean - it's labor day weekend - a free 3-day weekend! we brainstormed (again, together) about what we can do this weekend and I'm super excited. here's my agenda (hasn't been approved by chris yet):

• friday:
• return dead hard drive to benson systems for replacement (thank god it's under warranty)
• groceries
• start laundry
• clean up the house
• saturday:
• morning hike up Silly Mountain with the pups
• more laundry/cleaning around the house
• dinner and seeing comedian iliza shlesinger at the tempe improv with scegan
• sunday:
• dog park with the pups
• pick out & plant a eucalyptus tree in our backyard
• give bentley (our new car) a bath
• relax & watch movies/catch up on our favorite tv shows
• monday:
• morning hike on favorite trail through Superstition Mountains with the pups
• one of the following:
• Phoenix Zoo & Desert Botanical Gardens
• Golfland & walking around downtown
• D-backs vs. Giants game
• swimming & bbqing at my parent's (hopefully we can get pepper in the water now that she's older/bigger)

so I'm pretty stoked. I mean, just because we're not going out of town doesn't mean we have to sit at home all weekend right? I'm taking charge of my life. chris will just have to deal with it and join me or he can peace out. now I'll keep my fingers crossed that we'll actually do it. maybe by writing them here I'll be more determined to do it that way I can show pictures. that's my goal at least. I'm one step closer to being happier - I can feel it.

hope everyone has a super safe and fun holiday weekend.