everything will be alright

I left our first couple's counselling session frustrated and upset. it was nothing like I expected. it's not because the therapist dogged on me or anything - she barely talked to me! there didn't seem to be much couples counselling at all! I started off with my goal of the counselling (to find an effective way to communicate with each other) and one of my issues (chris doesn't communicate...at all) and from there on out it was a chris counselling session. the lady focused on chris and why he doesn't communicate and this and that. and in the end, she tells us, "you're not ready for couples counselling."

um ok. is that because you didn't even ask me how this makes me feel or anything?

she told us that we should spend an hour every day talking about real things. she suggested things I should do to try to get chris to talk. I fought so hard to keep the tears back but she saw it in my face. the thing is I've tried everything she suggested. and it hasn't worked. it is exhausting trying to get someone to talk to you - it really is. so she told me if it's so exhausting, then don't do it. WTF?! so what am I supposed to do? give up?? how am I supposed to have an hour long conversation with someone when any conversation we have is from me starting and dragging it out?

when it was over I felt defeated. I felt like we were at our last option and that it wasn't going to help any because all she did was tell me something I already knew: that chris has issues with communication. she wanted us to do individual counselling first with our first session being a "background" session. it killed me because I knew there were more things for chris to sort out within himself than I had to sort out. I never had issues with communication. my parents are still happily married. we showed emotions in my family. I know what I want in life. any issues I have are with chris. I get frustrated when chris doesn't talk to me or show me affection and basically lash out. I thought we were going into this thing together - to work out issues together - and I thought we'd be coming out of this together. and now that doesn't seem to be the case.

but I'm starting to realize that this will be the only way for us to reach my goal. even though I was upset leaving the session, chris felt so good about it. he seemed positive and even slightly excited. chris is the one with the communication problems. I've done everything I can. so now an outside source needs to try to help him sort out his issues. and I can't help with that. and we won't be able to progress as a couple if chris isn't comfortable with himself. and I think chris believes that this lady will help him.

the hardest part is realizing that I'm going to have to do even more waiting. I'm now forced to sit and wait until chris sorts out his issues. and I don't know if I can't handle that. I'm exhausted. it's heartbreaking when your own boyfriend doesn't want to talk to you about anything. and I already feel so alone and depressed about our relationship that I don't know how much neglect I can take. but I'm determined to make it work so I have to be willing to do what needs to be done. and this may help chris so much. I hope it helps him so much. because it's going to be hard for him to get through life not showing any emotions or talking with people.

so I just have to suck it up and go with the flow. and hope everything falls together in the end.

semi-charmed kinda life

chris is mad at me. no. worse. he's hurt by something I've done. and thing is - I had no intentions of hurting him. (who does?) I posted about our counselling on facebook and he's hurt because he feels it's no one's business. and he's right. I feel really bad. I really wasn't thinking with that one. I wish I could take it back.

but at the same time, I didn't post it to show people how unhappy I've been at times. I posted it to see if I had support from my friends. I was a little scared going into it. I mean, I'm 23 and am already in couples counselling? really? at first I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. should I be ashamed or embarrassed or is it ok? and I guess I was looking to friends to clear that up for me.

and they did. those who commented on my post made me realize that it's not a bad thing that we're in counselling. in fact, we should be proud of ourselves. because we're taking action. we're not sitting back and letting things get worse. we know something's wrong and we care about each other enough to want to fix it. I think it shows strength. I think it shows courage. yes I'm 23 and in couples counselling, but at least I'm not 53 and in couples counselling. at least I haven't spent 25 years unhappy. at least I won't have to go through an ugly divorce and have to split everything up.

I've seen (or rather, heard) so many couples fall apart because they simply give up. they give up on each other. something bad happens and they're done. they don't try to understand why the bad thing happened and what it means. they just break up or divorce. they throw away years of memories and families. they're willing to put their children through sadness and pain because they don't think something's worth fixing. come on now, shit happens. people make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. not every one is born to be the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend. but when you care about someone deeply, you work with them to make your relationship work. and you have to exhaust all your resources.

I understand sometimes people should just break up because they aren't compatible. but things like lying, or the inability to communicate, or excessive partying are things you can fix. they are within your control. and if you're not happy about it - and the other person wants to make a change - there's no reason not to do something about it. the sooner the better. operation: get chris to communicate has gone to a whole new level. and I think it'll be worth it. I've spent too much time with him - too many lessons from him. and we have so much to look forward to if we are able to make it work. plus five years of memories and joint custody of two dogs makes it worth doing every single thing we can.

so with that being said, I am proud of us for taking charge of our lives - for refusing to move on from something great. and we're taking care of important issues before we tie the knot. because they're not going to magically disappear once we get married. we both want to live happy lives together and are doing what needs to be done in order to achieve that. although, I probably didn't need to make it as public as I did. telling close friends and family would have been sufficient and kept chris from being upset. whoops.

I'll have to discuss how I feel about our first session some other time (without giving too many details of course). for now: one day at a time.