semi-charmed kinda life

chris is mad at me. no. worse. he's hurt by something I've done. and thing is - I had no intentions of hurting him. (who does?) I posted about our counselling on facebook and he's hurt because he feels it's no one's business. and he's right. I feel really bad. I really wasn't thinking with that one. I wish I could take it back.

but at the same time, I didn't post it to show people how unhappy I've been at times. I posted it to see if I had support from my friends. I was a little scared going into it. I mean, I'm 23 and am already in couples counselling? really? at first I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. should I be ashamed or embarrassed or is it ok? and I guess I was looking to friends to clear that up for me.

and they did. those who commented on my post made me realize that it's not a bad thing that we're in counselling. in fact, we should be proud of ourselves. because we're taking action. we're not sitting back and letting things get worse. we know something's wrong and we care about each other enough to want to fix it. I think it shows strength. I think it shows courage. yes I'm 23 and in couples counselling, but at least I'm not 53 and in couples counselling. at least I haven't spent 25 years unhappy. at least I won't have to go through an ugly divorce and have to split everything up.

I've seen (or rather, heard) so many couples fall apart because they simply give up. they give up on each other. something bad happens and they're done. they don't try to understand why the bad thing happened and what it means. they just break up or divorce. they throw away years of memories and families. they're willing to put their children through sadness and pain because they don't think something's worth fixing. come on now, shit happens. people make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. not every one is born to be the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend. but when you care about someone deeply, you work with them to make your relationship work. and you have to exhaust all your resources.

I understand sometimes people should just break up because they aren't compatible. but things like lying, or the inability to communicate, or excessive partying are things you can fix. they are within your control. and if you're not happy about it - and the other person wants to make a change - there's no reason not to do something about it. the sooner the better. operation: get chris to communicate has gone to a whole new level. and I think it'll be worth it. I've spent too much time with him - too many lessons from him. and we have so much to look forward to if we are able to make it work. plus five years of memories and joint custody of two dogs makes it worth doing every single thing we can.

so with that being said, I am proud of us for taking charge of our lives - for refusing to move on from something great. and we're taking care of important issues before we tie the knot. because they're not going to magically disappear once we get married. we both want to live happy lives together and are doing what needs to be done in order to achieve that. although, I probably didn't need to make it as public as I did. telling close friends and family would have been sufficient and kept chris from being upset. whoops.

I'll have to discuss how I feel about our first session some other time (without giving too many details of course). for now: one day at a time.

the results of stress and lack of communication

not only is it hard when your significant other doesn't find the need to discuss important issues or feelings with you, but it's so difficult when he doesn't confide in you when he's stressed out. this is my life. I've been getting used to the fact that chris won't talk to me about things or what he's thinking or feeling and such, but it hurts when something bothers him and he doesn't give me the opportunity to try to help him.

he's been stressed at work. waay stressed. we work at the mine, which is starting production again, and he's in charge of short-range planning. short-range planning is the planning of day by day - deciding how many tons will be hauled each day and where it will be hauled to. (as opposed to long-range planning which is determining how many tons will be hauled/processed on a year by year basis.) here's the issues I find:

1. he just graduated from college - pretty much brand new
2. he's never done short-range planning before

so I had an idea that he's a little stressed out. but he never talks to me about his tasks at work and if they are stressing him out or anything. so I didn't know how bad it was.

because I'm sure I wasn't making it any easier. if I had known, I would try harder to not nag as much. if I had known I would have urged him to get more sleep. if I had known, maybe what happened thursday could have been avoided. of course, I'm not sure if I could ease his stress enough to prevent what happened, but I could have tried. I didn't even know it was bad so I didn't even try. that's what hurts the most. that I could have helped, but he didn't let me.

so thursday, chris had another epileptic seizure. I was working on some spreadsheets at the sx control room (not my normal office) when I got a call from chris's boss. last time chris had a seizure, it was over a year ago - before one of his field trips for class. this is the second seizure that I've experienced with him since we've been together (almost 5 years now). both times I was not directly with him. but the commonality between his previous seizure and this one that I found:

1. he didn't sleep well the night (and/or few nights) before
2. he's really stressed out

supposedly, he had another forecast report he needed to get out by the end of the day. I know he's been stressed about the forecast, because he's been working a lot on it. each version he's given, he's gotten a lot of crap for. the manager of the mine has been giving him a lot of crap for not putting out the "right" numbers. my department (not me, but my bosses) has been putting a lot of pressure on him to put out the forecast (since our forecast is based on the mine forecast). the president of the company has even contacted him telling him his disapproval of the forecast numbers. so I knew he had to be stressed. but he never talked to me about it. and when I tried to talk to him about it, he wouldn't say much. so I didn't try to ease his stress.

it's scary when I get a call about chris having a seizure. last time it was terrifying since it was the first time I was faced with his seizures. and last time, he face planted the cement so he busted up his lip and nose so there was blood everywhere which in all in combination caused me to have a panic attack when I saw him at the hospital. so I was scared it was going to be the same. and on top of it all, it happened at work. (thank god we work at the same place.) so I get the call at work, and of course word gets around fast and everyone who doesn't know yet wants to know why I'm crying and it just turns into this mess. luckily, at the time, I wasn't thinking about all that. I was just trying to figure out how to get to my car to get to the hospital.

my boss, sam, took me to the hospital and I was more than relieved to see chris in a stable state. in fact, he looked real good. he had a bump on his head from hitting it on his desk on the way down. and a scratch on his cheek from an unknown source. but there was no blood everywhere like last time. when I got there, he took my hand and cried a little, and then he went into a deep sleep. (which I guess is normal.) I guess the doctors did a catscan (I wouldn't of known since none of the doctors or nurses told me anything) and it came out clear.

I sat next to his bed for about three hours. the most excitement was the lady in the bed next to him who was suspected to have overdosed on some percocet. a couple of times she tried to escape (which I had to get the attention of the nurses to let them know they're patient was trying to escape because they were flirting with the male paramedics). and she kept saying weird things. after three hours or so, they released him and we went home. and I'm stuck with driving him everywhere for the next six months or so. but that's ok. my main concern is trying to get him to talk to me when he's stressed out.

dog problems

my dear pepper is in the biting phase of being a puppy. I think her original owner failed to mention that part to me. she's constantly nipping at ginger (which she is not a fan of) and your feet. I used to be able to run up the stairs to get away from her, but she quickly learned how to get up those. although she's not so great at getting down yet.

it's like taking care of a baby. except you let it pee/poop in the dirt rather than change its diaper. I wake up multiple times in the night to rush her downstairs and make sure she goes pee outside and not inside. I have to find ways to get her to stop whining and to just go to sleep. I can tell it's driving chris nuts, but I'm ok with it.

he was is so stressed that she's gonna chew everything and ruin the house while we're gone. but things are gonna work out. my mom, who works not more than a mile away from our house, is willing to stop by during her lunch break and on her way home from work to let her out of her crate for a bit and go to the bathroom if needed. it'll help a lot.

puppies are awesome. my family loves her. they love playing with her and watching the silly puppy things she does. like tripping over herself. or chewing on a bone the same size as her. or trying to carry a shoe across the room. or just cuddling up.

I don't regret getting a puppy. but then again it's only been a couple of days. but it makes me so happy to have something I can take care of and loves to cuddle with me. ginger liked to cuddle, sure, but if she'd always choose chris over me. now I have my own. and couldn't be happier.

chris spoils me. he sure can be a great guy sometimes. but we still have our problems. especially when it comes to communication. I want to go to a couples counseling to see if someone can help us learn to communicate effectively with each other. but we just "haven't gotten around to it yet." hmm. new operation perhaps? operation: get chris to talk to me. I'll have to get into that another time though. puppy needs me.