exhaustion

being in a relationship shouldn't be this hard, right? I shouldn't feel drained. I shouldn't feel emotionally dead. no, I should be happy. I should be full of energy. but I'm not. each time I get to the point where I can't hold my frustrations or pain inside and I try to talk to chris, it gets harder and harder. I feel like I'm repeating myself. my issues/concerns/pain has been the same for the past three or four years. nothing has changed.

I still feel empty without having someone to talk to every day. sure I could call my mom. sure I could call tracy. but I want to feel that connection with my boyfriend - my fiancé. I want to be able to tell the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with everything. I want to be able to confide in him my worries in life in general and I want to be able to believe he will help me deal with things. I want to deal with life together, not separately.

and gee, I don't remember the last time I felt special. scratch that, I do - when we got back together at the end of last year after shit went down with tj. even while I was with tj he was super nice and caring and even listened to my problems and tried to give advice. but now I don't feel like his girlfriend. we barely hold hands or even kiss. and forget about hugs. we don't cuddle on the couch and watch our favorite shows. in fact he tells me I'm hurting him when I lay on him. there's no intimacy between us anymore. none at all. how sad is that?

how can I plan a wedding with someone when I have such big doubts about us working? I asked chris last night if he was happy and he said he wish I wasn't bummed out all the time. and then I tried to explain to him (again) that I wouldn't be bummed out if (a) he talked to me about things and listened to me when I talked and (b) he made me feel special every once in a while. I told him that I get frustrated when I feel like I can't talk to him. so I get irritable. and then he doesn't want to be around me because I'm so irritable and therefore I get even more bitchy and/or depressed. it's a cycle. I can only go so far by myself in making myself happy in this relationship. I need his help. I need him to meet me halfway.

otherwise I don't know if I can do this...again...

emptiness

I'm so done. just fed up. I don't know what I was every thinking. why do I feel so alone? why does it seem like I'm invisible? every thing I say is ignored. every time I get close I'm pushed away. what am I doing? why am I still trying? why do I think things will change? he has no desire to improve our relationship. he probably doesn't even think anything is wrong. everything is wrong. ok, maybe not everything. but a lot of things are wrong. we barely get along anymore. and I don't feel loved. isn't that the most important thing in a relationship? to feel loved?

I think what sucks the most is that deep down I know in my heart I'll never be happy with him. I know in my soul he is not the one meant for me. he can't be. because the one meant for me wouldn't let me feel the emptiness I seem to always feel. he wouldn't ignore everything I say - he would make compromises and discuss things with me. he would understand that the decisions and the actions he makes also affect me. he would let me cuddle up next to him on the couch while watching our favorite shows. and he would talk to me. about anything and everything. I just want to talk forever. share everything. but I can't. not with chris. he doesn't care. and he doesn't reciprocate the sharing. I know so little about him. even though I've known him for almost five years. pathetic. that's what it is.

but what can I do?

back to square one

pepper's not doing too swell again. it breaks my heart. yesterday was supposed to be the first day of us "weening" her off the bland prescription food and back to her regular good. I was super excited because that meant we'd be fattening her up and she won't look like skin and bones anymore. I think we gave her too much regular food though because she's got diarrhea and has been vomiting. last night she had to go out every half an hour. after the 50th time of waking up and letting her out (at around 11:30) I ended up just letting her stay outside (she didn't want to come back in) and sleeping on the couch. I still woke up every 30 minutes or so, though, so I could make sure she was still out there and alive. and she's been lethargic again. she doesn't want to play with ginger. she doesn't want to nip at your feet. she just lies there. it absolutely breaks my heart.

when we first heard pepper's got parvo, I cried so much. my heart was broken then. they gave her fluids under her skin (which created a huge bulge on her back) which made her whine and squirm. I literally felt my heart ache watching her go through that pain. she's just a puppy (which, by the way, lessens her chance of survival) - not even 2 months old. she doesn't deserve this. she is a complete sweetheart. they gave her four shots as well which just made more tears flow down my face. I felt like a waterfall. I couldn't stop crying. I imagine it feels like watching your young child having to go through various shots and pain. not only did it ache watching her in pain, I was terrified. what if she doesn't make it? my eyes well up thinking about it now.

so yesterday, when I discovered she was acting the way she did a week ago - sad, sick, and not wanting to do anything - I cried so much again. she really doesn't deserve this. and I feel horrible. I didn't know what we were doing going into this so my confidence in being able to cure her ourselves wasn't very high. (on the other hand, I didn't know if leaving her to be taken care of by strangers woulda helped either.) but when she started acting like her normal self and eating and vomiting/diarrhea stopped, I was so hopeful and so positive that we'd be able to kick this damn thing. and yesterday, I feel like I was just crushed - stomped on by the giant foot of god or whatever. he must really be testing me. I think he wants to watch me fall apart. again. and I feel horrible since it's probably our fault she's sick again. we really have sucked at this at-home treatment stuff. we can't seem to get anything right.

bundled up after a quick "swim" (6/16/10)

but I love her so much. I can't lose her. so we're not giving up. we just realized that we need to be slower in weening her back to normal food. we'll be giving her just the canned stuff until the diarrhea stops. then we'll just add a tiny bit of her regular food and slowly keep adding some until she's better again. she's a tough cookie, that's for sure.



I'm stressed out about so many things right now, it's not even funny. I feel like any moment, and small action or word, will break me. every moment of the day, I'm fighting back tears. everything isn't going my way these days. but more on that shit later.

tonight not again

I should not be feeling like this. I should not be thinking the things I have. I am ashamed. I am disgusted. Life isn't perfect, but there's nothing wrong with it either (for the most part, minus the sick puppy). I shouldn't be wondering. I shouldn't be hoping. I've been there. done that. and it just caused me more trouble. I've grown. so why do I feel like I'm back at square one? why do I feel like I've made no progress. why is it that the thoughts keep me up at night? they shouldn't be here.


maybe it's me. maybe I ask for it. I ask for trouble. and I get it. should I really be surprised?

here comes the sun

when this whole sick puppy ordeal started last thursday, I was really upset and emotional. I'm not a religious person nor have I ever been spiritual. but that's a different story. I do have my beliefs of some greater higher power that guides us on the right path and who throws us challenges/heartache alone the way. and for a while I felt like that "power" was slapping me in the face. kind of a "hey, you haven't been seriously sadden/depressed in a while, how about this? how about a poor little sick puppy?" I felt like whatever it was, it was laughing at me. he was testing me and I was failing miserably. I began to regret convincing chris to get her in the first place. I felt like I should have known better to get a puppy from a stranger. but then, I felt differently - I turned it around. what if this is some act of god or whatever higher power there is? what if god gave pepper to us because he knew she was going to get sick and he knew that we had the resources to care for her and make her better? what if he knew her previous owners wouldn't have even noticed until it was too late? I did take her in within 24 hours of her acting differently. what if we have what it takes to cure our dear pepper, and he knew this? what if this is for the better? what if everything's going to be fine in the end because we'll give her all the love and comfort and medication she needs to get better?

napping with daddy

and with that idea stamped into my head, pepper's gotten significantly better. I'd say friday afternoon there was already a drastic change. megan, scotty, and my dad did an amazing job taking care of her for the day because that night she was already back to her active and playful self nipping at everyone's feet and hopping all over the place. It's definitely relieving. especially since I feel chris and I have been doing a horrible job keeping up with the schedule. my only concern is if she's eating enough. she looks so scrawny now, it's disheartening. she's just skin and bones. chris called the vet on saturday and let him know our concern. once he told her that pepper hasn't had diarrhea or vomited since we started her on meds on thursday, she became very optimistic and excited. she also granted us to double the food portions we feed her. although, I still don't think she's getting enough. all day she goes over to the pantry where I keep her food and whine and look at me with sad little starving eyes. we're taking ginger in tonight for a check up and to renew her shots so we're going to try to sneak pepper in so they can give her a quick look and give us some advice.

bedtime with big sister.

but overall, you wouldn't be able to tell she's got parvo or even sick if she didn't look so skinny. it makes me so happy how active she is again. she runs up the stairs and will slowly hop down. she goes in and our the doggie door. she and ginger play and get along well. and she still cuddles. so I have high hopes. I've had a lot of people tell me they had puppies that passed from parvo and they didn't act near how pepper acts, so that's comforting. we'll see what the vet says tonight.

sick puppy

pepper's got parvo. the adorable puppy we got less than a week ago, that we've already fallen in love with, is sick. we're pretty confident that since the person I got her from didn't give pepper her shots yet, that pepper got it from one of the girl's other dogs. because both ginger and cheyenne (the two dogs we've exposed her to) have had their parvo shots.

sick puppy. :(

I noticed wednesday evening that she wasn't acting her usual self. I know I've only had her a few days and all, but I could tell something was wrong. sunday, monday, and tuesday she was very playful and active. she would chase ginger around and play tug of war with you. she would follow you every where and nip at your feet. she'd hop around like a little spotted bunny rabbit. she was a puppy. wednesday evening she was lazy. didn't move much. she looked sad - kinda how you'd look when you just don't feel good and don't feel like doing anything. and I noticed a change in her poop. it was a little runnier and looked mucus-y. I thought maybe it was just the change in food. or since it was later in the day, maybe she was just sleepy - played too much during the day. maybe she just had a puppy cold. but she started vomiting mucus-y-looking stuff and I thought the food was making her sick. she refused to eat, not even treats, and she barely drank any water. by thursday I was worried and told chris I wanted to take her to the vet to at least get her shots. I was planning on taking her friday after my dentist appointment. although I was going to pay attention to her behavior to see if she gets worse or better. I was concerned, but didn't think it was anything serious.

I googled local vets to get some numbers I could call to set up an appointment. at the bottom of one vet site, there were links to pages with addition information on common issues. one of them was "parvo in puppies." I wasn't really sure what parvo was, so I clicked on it. I'm glad I did, because I only read a few lines before I was 95% confident that that's what she had. vomiting, diarrhea, lethargy, and not eating where the symptoms - the exact symptoms pepper had! I immediately texted chris saying "what if pepper's got parvo?" and not more than a minute later chris replied with "we can go now."

two things I found odd: (1) it was only 1:50. we get off at 2:30(ish) and I knew chris had a lot of work to get done that day and he told me earlier that morning that he probably have to work late. and (2)he replied within seconds. again, I knew chris was super busy and when he's super busy, he doesn't reply back. which is understandable of course. so I really started to freak out. did chris agree with me? when I got to his office I asked what he thought. he said he made an appointment that evening at 6 with a vet. he thought it was parvo too.

we went to the vet and they took a fecal test and it indeed came back positive for parvo. although, it was a "weak" positive. the vet explained that there's a dark blue dot where they put the sample and if another dot appears then it's positive. the darkness or lightness of the dot indicates the severity. pepper's dot was a rather light blue. they told us we had two options: hospitalize her there for 3 days/nights for almost $2,000 or take her home and give her a home treatment (strict diet and medication schedule) for about $300. we decided to treat her at home. that way we can continue to give her love and support and make her as comfortable as possible. so now it's time for operation: get pepper healthy again.

I'm hoping, praying, I'm right about this one. because I don't know if I can handle losing her. I have to thank my family millions for helping out though. the vet gave us a strict schedule of when to feed her, how much to feed her, and when to give her medications and we had to start today. well, since we both work, my family is amazing enough to step in and care for her for the day while we're at work. especially thanks to megan - it's her birthday weekend and I first ruined her birthday dinner at mint thai (by not being able to make it before it closed since we took pepper to the vet) and then having her take care of my sick puppy. but also thanks to my dad and brother. couldn't do it without you and I don't know if I can show you my appreciation. because of you guys, we have a chance - pepper has a chance. so thanks.

I'll keep you all updated and I ask for your prayers. I know she's just a puppy, but she's like family to us.

runaway bride

for a while, my life was hectic. I seemed to always be running somewhere, signing papers for our house, buying furniture, visiting family, celebrating chris's graduation and so. and I felt like I was always looking forward to or stressing about something: moving into our house, basketball games (whhhhyyyy god why?!), getting a new puppy. but all of the sudden I feel my life is at a standstill. we're moved into our house. the suns season is over and therefore basketball season is over to me. (I should care about who wins the playoffs but I'm just not ready to move on.) and we got pepper. there's no more big monumental events coming up that I'm excited about or dreading. I feel like my life suddenly got so boring.

but what's worst, is that the reality of the fact that I have the free time now to "plan" my wedding is sinking in. uuuuggggh. ever time I think about it, I feel overwhelmed with the things that need to get done which in turns makes me dread the process all together. sure, girls are supposed to be ecstatic and embrace the wedding planning process. so why am I dreading it?

I'm not really sure to be honest. but it probably has something to do with this sick feeling in my stomach I get every time I think about getting married. a feeling that is all too familiar and that I've been trying to avoid for the last six months or so. the one that when the fire is lit, it engulfs my heart in flames. doubt. I hate him. we are absolute enemies. he is the sole reason so much pain and heartache that has driven me crazy in the past. he stalked me during my sophomore year of college and I allowed him into my head which really made my life take a plunge. grades dropped and the waterfall of tears seemed never ending. and he always reminds me the same damn thing: "you and chris are not going to last. you'll most likely end up in divorce." I don't know why he comes back during the worst times. hell we just bought a house! why are you knocking at my door? I can't let you in. I'm in a contract binding chris and I together.

thing is, doubt came into my life early in chris and mine's relationship and he refused to leave for years. he's the reason for so many nights of breakdowns, meltdowns, sobbing to the point where I can't breathe, crying myself to sleep, and causing chris much grief and misery as well. he made me a negative, hateful person. I hate what doubt did to me. it ultimately drove chris and mine's relationship to the ground.

then last year, after my tata passed away, I made a commitment to myself that I was going to do better with my life. life is too short. I wasn't going to let anything bring me down anymore. and I was going to finally get that bastard doubt out of my head. I was going to improve my life and myself. but I ended up giving into doubt's words anyways and broke up with chris. although, that break we had was so good for us because it gave me the time and resources I needed to grow up and realize my life can't be controlled by doubt or fear or depression (other enemies of mine). and when chris and I got back together, things were better than ever because I didn't open the door for doubt anymore. I wasn't fooled that things were wrong in our relationship. I was happy.

but doubt must've snuck through the dog door or something because here I am facing him again. I try my hardest to push him away, but he's a persistent little bastard. I try to convince myself that things are going great and we'll be able to work out our problems soon enough. but now that I'm face with the reality that I should start planning my wedding, not only does doubt keep talking in my ear, but here comes fear too. fear that maybe I am just headed for divorce. fear that we won't be able to work out our issues. fear that I'm going to hurt him again. fear that maybe I'm still not ready to get married.

I'm hoping this weekend will help me get excited about planning my wedding again. I hope it will lock fear and doubt out of my house and let me move on with my life. my bridesmaids (tracy, nell, megan, and tea) are coming over for a mary kay makeover thing I won online. maybe they'll give me reassurance and confidence. I'm hoping I'll feel better about everything without actually having to address it. because I gotta get this bus moving. we've still gotta book the venue. there's so much I need to do. I feel so overwhelmed that I just want to go to the aj court to just have a quick civil ceremony with just two witnesses. or maybe run off to elope somewhere. just get the dang thing over with.

but I still fear that doubt is right about everything. I mean, if he keeps coming back after all these years, could he be right?