runaway bride

for a while, my life was hectic. I seemed to always be running somewhere, signing papers for our house, buying furniture, visiting family, celebrating chris's graduation and so. and I felt like I was always looking forward to or stressing about something: moving into our house, basketball games (whhhhyyyy god why?!), getting a new puppy. but all of the sudden I feel my life is at a standstill. we're moved into our house. the suns season is over and therefore basketball season is over to me. (I should care about who wins the playoffs but I'm just not ready to move on.) and we got pepper. there's no more big monumental events coming up that I'm excited about or dreading. I feel like my life suddenly got so boring.

but what's worst, is that the reality of the fact that I have the free time now to "plan" my wedding is sinking in. uuuuggggh. ever time I think about it, I feel overwhelmed with the things that need to get done which in turns makes me dread the process all together. sure, girls are supposed to be ecstatic and embrace the wedding planning process. so why am I dreading it?

I'm not really sure to be honest. but it probably has something to do with this sick feeling in my stomach I get every time I think about getting married. a feeling that is all too familiar and that I've been trying to avoid for the last six months or so. the one that when the fire is lit, it engulfs my heart in flames. doubt. I hate him. we are absolute enemies. he is the sole reason so much pain and heartache that has driven me crazy in the past. he stalked me during my sophomore year of college and I allowed him into my head which really made my life take a plunge. grades dropped and the waterfall of tears seemed never ending. and he always reminds me the same damn thing: "you and chris are not going to last. you'll most likely end up in divorce." I don't know why he comes back during the worst times. hell we just bought a house! why are you knocking at my door? I can't let you in. I'm in a contract binding chris and I together.

thing is, doubt came into my life early in chris and mine's relationship and he refused to leave for years. he's the reason for so many nights of breakdowns, meltdowns, sobbing to the point where I can't breathe, crying myself to sleep, and causing chris much grief and misery as well. he made me a negative, hateful person. I hate what doubt did to me. it ultimately drove chris and mine's relationship to the ground.

then last year, after my tata passed away, I made a commitment to myself that I was going to do better with my life. life is too short. I wasn't going to let anything bring me down anymore. and I was going to finally get that bastard doubt out of my head. I was going to improve my life and myself. but I ended up giving into doubt's words anyways and broke up with chris. although, that break we had was so good for us because it gave me the time and resources I needed to grow up and realize my life can't be controlled by doubt or fear or depression (other enemies of mine). and when chris and I got back together, things were better than ever because I didn't open the door for doubt anymore. I wasn't fooled that things were wrong in our relationship. I was happy.

but doubt must've snuck through the dog door or something because here I am facing him again. I try my hardest to push him away, but he's a persistent little bastard. I try to convince myself that things are going great and we'll be able to work out our problems soon enough. but now that I'm face with the reality that I should start planning my wedding, not only does doubt keep talking in my ear, but here comes fear too. fear that maybe I am just headed for divorce. fear that we won't be able to work out our issues. fear that I'm going to hurt him again. fear that maybe I'm still not ready to get married.

I'm hoping this weekend will help me get excited about planning my wedding again. I hope it will lock fear and doubt out of my house and let me move on with my life. my bridesmaids (tracy, nell, megan, and tea) are coming over for a mary kay makeover thing I won online. maybe they'll give me reassurance and confidence. I'm hoping I'll feel better about everything without actually having to address it. because I gotta get this bus moving. we've still gotta book the venue. there's so much I need to do. I feel so overwhelmed that I just want to go to the aj court to just have a quick civil ceremony with just two witnesses. or maybe run off to elope somewhere. just get the dang thing over with.

but I still fear that doubt is right about everything. I mean, if he keeps coming back after all these years, could he be right? 

it's a nice day for a white wedding

because I have too much time on my hands at work, I started a wedding blog. there's not much to it yet, but I'm hoping to use it for ideas and suggestions. I also have the vision of using it to describe our process of putting together a wedding and engagement life and such. my true vision is to have it as like a joint blog where chris can contribute his feelings and thoughts and ideas, but he doesn't seem to keen on the idea yet. but the wedding is a long ways a way and I can understand that he doesn't have much to talk about yet. I told him he didn't have to reveal his deepest feelings but just general thoughts - to give the guy's perspective of the year going up to the wedding. I hope he'll become more open and at least give it a try closer to the wedding or more into the planning process. but his view is "what guy likes blogging?"

know any guys who enjoy blogging?

anyways, please check it out & pass it around to people that are good at advice/suggestions/creative & unique ideas/etc...

easy solution

talked to chris last night. voiced my concerns about having to give up my dream wedding and having to change what my idea of a dream wedding was multiple times and yada yada. we came to the conclusion that it is smarter and overall better if we push back the wedding a few more months. because each additional month is a shitload of money. as well as more time to plan our dream. it will also give us time to settle into our house and start paying off our student loans. he was totally fine with the idea and completely agreed. overall: brilliance.

and now I get my fall wedding. :)

to be completely honest...

I am scared of getting married.

I love chris. there's no doubt about that. he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know that. but when I think about our wedding and all the planning and stuff that goes into it, my stomach gets in knots. I start breathing heavily. my heart starts beating faster. I feel overwhelmed. and I feel like I don't deserve my fairy tale day. I've always told people that I didn't want an extravagant wedding - and I still don't believe I do - but at the same time, maybe I do. I do want a perfect day - at least perfect in my eyes. I do want it to be beautiful. and I do want plants and flowers and lights everywhere. but at the same time, everything I want cost money. and not just a little bit of money - my dream wedding is hella expensive. I still want it to be simple, but elegant at the same time. but my idea of my dream wedding is expensive. so I guess in that way, it is extravagant.

but we can't afford a wedding that costs $15,000. I just graduated college. chris hasn't even graduated yet. we just started our jobs - yes they pay well but we have student loans to pay off and we just bought a house. we can't save up enough money by march of next year. no way. not without living and buying anymore stuff for our house. and when I think about the fact that I'm not going to have my dream wedding, I get sad. and then I get angry. I get sad, because every bride should have their dream wedding. and then I feel angry like I'm being a spoiled princess. it's tearing my apart. I shouldn't be crying because I'm not getting what I want. I should be happy that I'm marrying such a wonderful guy. but why should I give up something I've always dreamt of?

I tell chris I'm ok with something simpler but I'm not so sure I am. I'm not sure if I can handle the stress and task of putting together my dream wedding by myself. I've been beyond stressed just trying to find a venue that meets my dream (something with a beautiful view & plants/flowers). and now I have to try and find a banquet hall type thing for our reception? and on top of that I have to find a florist, photographer, amazing dj, an officiant, a caterer, a cake maker, invitations, and decorations?! are you kidding me? the all-inclusive plans from my favorite venues were expensive, yes, but it saves me that trouble and stress. I won't have to spend every night crying because I feel overwhelmed. because I don't wanna settle for less. I don't want my wedding to look tacky or cheap. so I'm gonna have a hella-hard time trying to find the right stuff to match my dream. and I'm afraid it's gonna end up being more expensive in the end.

and when it comes down to it, I don't want to plan my wedding.