life is good

it's almost been a month, now, since we've moved into our first house. I can't say everything's been picture perfect though. I figured, since chris and I would be moving into our first house together, our bond would grow. it hasn't. yet. I feel he still rather do every thing around the house BUT spend time with me. but at the same time, I think I've just been extra moody lately. maybe it's the pill. it's messin' with my hormones and my emotions doesn't feel like putting up with the change. I feel bad because sometimes I think I'm just a nagging girlfriend which equals a shitty girlfriend. and I don't like the idea of being a crappy girlfriend. and it's not me to be so naggy. I don't want to be that person. I think I'm just gonna have to work extra hard to keep my temper behind closed doors and my emotions at bay.

on the other hand, I feel at home. it's weird being an owner of a house. there's so many things to do around the place it's exciting. picking the furniture for each room was awesome but now that's over. now I get the daunting task of unpacking and deciding where our old stuff fits in our new home. it's kind of tough. so far, I'd say everything's decorated in a classic, rich (not wealthy, but rich in color) kind of way. (pictures will come after saturday when our internet is finally installed.) and some of the stuff I own, I feel like it's too childish to fit in a "grown-up" home. but at the same time, I don't want to get rid of it. so I just haven't unpacked a lot yet.

my parent's came over last night & I made dinner. a delicious mexican lasagna (thanks jenna!). sure it took me like 3 hours to make, but we enjoyed ourselves. my parents drank some of their favorite wine in our new wine glasses while chris had some beer and we played euchre. it was good times. I like being a hostess. can't wait to do it some more.

it's definitely different adjusting to living in my own house with just the two of us + two dogs. but I think I'm getting there. some day I'll be a big girl. ha.



as for a pepper update: she's doing fantastic. her shit has solidified. we've been weening her back to her old fatty food. and she's just as spunky as ever. I'd say operation: get pepper healthy has been complete - at least after today. she'll finished her intestine meds, her antacid meds, and her antibiotics today and will only have her albon medicine which is to treat the coccidia. and she doesn't show any sign of weakness. she's a tough little cookie. and she's getting fatter. she was almost heavy when I put her in her crate this morning. life is good.

a little pep in your step

a quick pepper update. the fecal flotation result came in. she has coccidia which are small organisms that live in the intestinal tract of dogs and cats. it's super common in puppies who have a weak immune system and who are stressed in other ways (such as change in ownership). it causes mild to severe diarrhea. coccodia or coccidiosis - is treatable. the vet gave us some albon medication which is effective in treatment. She said that it should clear up in 3-4 days. they also insinuated that if a puppy survive parvo after five days, it pretty much has it beat.

soo, starting to feed pepper her normal food on day 5 of parvo treatment must've triggered the organisms to attack or something causing her to get the shits. it is possible thay she already had parvo beat. and in that case, this new illness is easily treatable and therefore pepper is on her way to being a happy and healthy puppy.

hopefully only three more days until we can fatten her up again.

quick pepper update

copper flotation done at mines

I've been super uber stressed about the whole sick puppy situation that I've been very depressed and down in the dumps lately. every time I see pepper poop nasty, runny shit, I cry a little inside. I've never been so attentive to shit before. and here I am examining every shit pepper takes to see if it's thickened up yet or if it's a nice brown color - as opposed to a mucus-y color - or if it's bloody. half the day it looks decent and as if it's improving and then the other half it doesn't look good. it's very discouraging. you get your hopes up when it looks good in the afternoon only to get them shut down the next morning. we took a sample (ugh-blegh-uoh) to the vet for them to do a "fecal flotation" on. (every time I think about the "fecal flotation" I picture them floating shit in a similar way they float copper in mineral processing where the copper minerals attach to the bubbles and are skimmed off the top of a cell - see above - now picture that with dog shit instead of copper - ha.) we should get the results sometime today. they think maybe she has another infection in her intestines and gave us some more meds. other than her shit, she's doing alright, I suppose. still active. still playful. still eats as much as we give her. just skin and bones. not sure how long a puppy can survive without fat. I hope it's long enough for her intestines to settle the fuck down.

anyway, I've been so stressed about her, it's hard to enjoy life. I don't get any sleep because I have to rush downstairs every time pepper needs to shit and I instantly wake up when I do fall asleep only to freak out and panic and make sure pepper's still breathing. so I don't feel like doing much during the day. I hate having to leave because I should be taking care of her. and I HATE that I can only feed her 1-2 tablespoons every 2-4 hours. 1-2 tablespoons ain't shit. that's a nibble. and when she's done nibbling, she looks at you with her big dark eyes and cries for more, but you can't give her more because you know it's just going to make her vomit and have diarrhea.  and I have to constantly struggle to get her to take three now four pills twice a day. I have to constantly keep my eye on her so I know if she throws up or takes a shit or anything. it's exhausting. I know it's "what you get when you get a puppy" - but this is a sick puppy. healthy puppies require slightly less attention. you don't panic over a healthy puppy. and you don't constantly worry your healthy puppy is going to not make it.

it's exhausting. mentally and physically. and when I get exhausted - mentally and physically - I get depressed and pessimistic and hateful and negative and yada yada yada. and I also get sick. just waiting for that to happen. but it's hard to enjoy life. some people may not understand how a puppy - that I've only had for 3 weeks - could make me so depressed. but she's like my baby. she's the closest thing I'll have to a newborn baby. and she's sick.

I've said before that I'm not really religious, but I've been praying. if pepper gets through this, I'll definitely reconsider my beliefs. all I know is, if there is a god, he has the ability to help homeless children and unfortunate families as well as sick puppies. dammit, he can do it all. he is god (for god's sake - I'm going to hell). I do want to make clear that a healthy pepper probably won't guarantee that I'll start going to church (it'll be a bitch trying to convince chris to do that one) but a healthy pepper will let me "allow" him into my life or whatever. but that's a different story. regardless, there's not much else I can do other than pray for her health. we're doing everything we can. we talk to the vet almost daily trying to get advice. and we follow their instructions as best as we can. there's not much else to do other than pray.

back to square one

pepper's not doing too swell again. it breaks my heart. yesterday was supposed to be the first day of us "weening" her off the bland prescription food and back to her regular good. I was super excited because that meant we'd be fattening her up and she won't look like skin and bones anymore. I think we gave her too much regular food though because she's got diarrhea and has been vomiting. last night she had to go out every half an hour. after the 50th time of waking up and letting her out (at around 11:30) I ended up just letting her stay outside (she didn't want to come back in) and sleeping on the couch. I still woke up every 30 minutes or so, though, so I could make sure she was still out there and alive. and she's been lethargic again. she doesn't want to play with ginger. she doesn't want to nip at your feet. she just lies there. it absolutely breaks my heart.

when we first heard pepper's got parvo, I cried so much. my heart was broken then. they gave her fluids under her skin (which created a huge bulge on her back) which made her whine and squirm. I literally felt my heart ache watching her go through that pain. she's just a puppy (which, by the way, lessens her chance of survival) - not even 2 months old. she doesn't deserve this. she is a complete sweetheart. they gave her four shots as well which just made more tears flow down my face. I felt like a waterfall. I couldn't stop crying. I imagine it feels like watching your young child having to go through various shots and pain. not only did it ache watching her in pain, I was terrified. what if she doesn't make it? my eyes well up thinking about it now.

so yesterday, when I discovered she was acting the way she did a week ago - sad, sick, and not wanting to do anything - I cried so much again. she really doesn't deserve this. and I feel horrible. I didn't know what we were doing going into this so my confidence in being able to cure her ourselves wasn't very high. (on the other hand, I didn't know if leaving her to be taken care of by strangers woulda helped either.) but when she started acting like her normal self and eating and vomiting/diarrhea stopped, I was so hopeful and so positive that we'd be able to kick this damn thing. and yesterday, I feel like I was just crushed - stomped on by the giant foot of god or whatever. he must really be testing me. I think he wants to watch me fall apart. again. and I feel horrible since it's probably our fault she's sick again. we really have sucked at this at-home treatment stuff. we can't seem to get anything right.

bundled up after a quick "swim" (6/16/10)

but I love her so much. I can't lose her. so we're not giving up. we just realized that we need to be slower in weening her back to normal food. we'll be giving her just the canned stuff until the diarrhea stops. then we'll just add a tiny bit of her regular food and slowly keep adding some until she's better again. she's a tough cookie, that's for sure.



I'm stressed out about so many things right now, it's not even funny. I feel like any moment, and small action or word, will break me. every moment of the day, I'm fighting back tears. everything isn't going my way these days. but more on that shit later.

you are not alone

today, in the middle of our morning meeting, calvin (the sx senior supervisor and an overall joyful individual) received a call from his wife informing him that her sister (his sister-in-law) has passed away. of course, we all felt sympathy as he immediately left, but I found myself near tears. I remember when we got the call that my tata passed. we were having our christmas dinner with my grandma and grandpa and my aunts, uncle, and cousins came from colorado and ohio (on my dad's side) that chrismas. we were all sitting outside around a canopy, it was night, and my mom was with my tata and her sisters taking care of him. my dad got the call and told us the news while were sitting in the circle. I immediately left to ball my eyes out, and reuben quickly followed (scotty, I believe, was with megan's parents'). not only was it the time that I lost my tata (rip), but it was also a time where I was surrounded by people that just didn't understand. sure they may have felt sympathy for me, but they had no clue the pain my brothers and I were suffering from. I remember having to leave during an important time to go to my mom, who was suffering the most. it was a time when the other side of my family was in town - the side that I hardly saw or spent time with. same with calvin - he had to leave during an important time - when he is a main resource for the ongoing shutdown (everyone went to him with questions).

other than the fact that I lost my tata, what hurt me the most was that their lives went on. they didn't have to mourn. they could continue enjoying the company and laugh and tell stories. they didn't have to feel the pain that would haunt them for years to come. to them, nothing even happened. they didn't understand the wonderful man my tata was. they didn't understand the inspiration and admiration I felt for him. they didn't understand the amazing individual that the world was now without. they just didn't understand. it wasn't their faults, of course. it's unfortunate that they never really knew the amazing talents and stories of my tata. but life went on for the rest of them, because it was christmas and their christmas shouldn't be put on hold due to someone they didn't even know.

and that's probably how calvin felt about his sister-in-law. because once everyone recovered from the shock of her death (it's a small town, so everyone knows each other), we went on with our lives. a five day shutdown was going on that needed everyone's complete attention and focus in order to get the job done safely and right. because for everyone else, the show must go on.


on another note: pepper's still doing well. the vet yesterday gave us permission to feed her up to 3/4 of a can of food a day. and the reason she's so skinny is because the food they gave us has no fat in it and therefore, she will not grow as long as she's being treated. good for me, since she'll basically stay a puppy longer, but sad for her since she's starving. but only a couple more weeks and she'll be back to her delicious, fattening food.

ginger also got a checkup and vaccinated. she's in good health other than her slight obesity problem. healthy puppies, here we come!

here comes the sun

when this whole sick puppy ordeal started last thursday, I was really upset and emotional. I'm not a religious person nor have I ever been spiritual. but that's a different story. I do have my beliefs of some greater higher power that guides us on the right path and who throws us challenges/heartache alone the way. and for a while I felt like that "power" was slapping me in the face. kind of a "hey, you haven't been seriously sadden/depressed in a while, how about this? how about a poor little sick puppy?" I felt like whatever it was, it was laughing at me. he was testing me and I was failing miserably. I began to regret convincing chris to get her in the first place. I felt like I should have known better to get a puppy from a stranger. but then, I felt differently - I turned it around. what if this is some act of god or whatever higher power there is? what if god gave pepper to us because he knew she was going to get sick and he knew that we had the resources to care for her and make her better? what if he knew her previous owners wouldn't have even noticed until it was too late? I did take her in within 24 hours of her acting differently. what if we have what it takes to cure our dear pepper, and he knew this? what if this is for the better? what if everything's going to be fine in the end because we'll give her all the love and comfort and medication she needs to get better?

napping with daddy

and with that idea stamped into my head, pepper's gotten significantly better. I'd say friday afternoon there was already a drastic change. megan, scotty, and my dad did an amazing job taking care of her for the day because that night she was already back to her active and playful self nipping at everyone's feet and hopping all over the place. It's definitely relieving. especially since I feel chris and I have been doing a horrible job keeping up with the schedule. my only concern is if she's eating enough. she looks so scrawny now, it's disheartening. she's just skin and bones. chris called the vet on saturday and let him know our concern. once he told her that pepper hasn't had diarrhea or vomited since we started her on meds on thursday, she became very optimistic and excited. she also granted us to double the food portions we feed her. although, I still don't think she's getting enough. all day she goes over to the pantry where I keep her food and whine and look at me with sad little starving eyes. we're taking ginger in tonight for a check up and to renew her shots so we're going to try to sneak pepper in so they can give her a quick look and give us some advice.

bedtime with big sister.

but overall, you wouldn't be able to tell she's got parvo or even sick if she didn't look so skinny. it makes me so happy how active she is again. she runs up the stairs and will slowly hop down. she goes in and our the doggie door. she and ginger play and get along well. and she still cuddles. so I have high hopes. I've had a lot of people tell me they had puppies that passed from parvo and they didn't act near how pepper acts, so that's comforting. we'll see what the vet says tonight.

sick puppy

pepper's got parvo. the adorable puppy we got less than a week ago, that we've already fallen in love with, is sick. we're pretty confident that since the person I got her from didn't give pepper her shots yet, that pepper got it from one of the girl's other dogs. because both ginger and cheyenne (the two dogs we've exposed her to) have had their parvo shots.

sick puppy. :(

I noticed wednesday evening that she wasn't acting her usual self. I know I've only had her a few days and all, but I could tell something was wrong. sunday, monday, and tuesday she was very playful and active. she would chase ginger around and play tug of war with you. she would follow you every where and nip at your feet. she'd hop around like a little spotted bunny rabbit. she was a puppy. wednesday evening she was lazy. didn't move much. she looked sad - kinda how you'd look when you just don't feel good and don't feel like doing anything. and I noticed a change in her poop. it was a little runnier and looked mucus-y. I thought maybe it was just the change in food. or since it was later in the day, maybe she was just sleepy - played too much during the day. maybe she just had a puppy cold. but she started vomiting mucus-y-looking stuff and I thought the food was making her sick. she refused to eat, not even treats, and she barely drank any water. by thursday I was worried and told chris I wanted to take her to the vet to at least get her shots. I was planning on taking her friday after my dentist appointment. although I was going to pay attention to her behavior to see if she gets worse or better. I was concerned, but didn't think it was anything serious.

I googled local vets to get some numbers I could call to set up an appointment. at the bottom of one vet site, there were links to pages with addition information on common issues. one of them was "parvo in puppies." I wasn't really sure what parvo was, so I clicked on it. I'm glad I did, because I only read a few lines before I was 95% confident that that's what she had. vomiting, diarrhea, lethargy, and not eating where the symptoms - the exact symptoms pepper had! I immediately texted chris saying "what if pepper's got parvo?" and not more than a minute later chris replied with "we can go now."

two things I found odd: (1) it was only 1:50. we get off at 2:30(ish) and I knew chris had a lot of work to get done that day and he told me earlier that morning that he probably have to work late. and (2)he replied within seconds. again, I knew chris was super busy and when he's super busy, he doesn't reply back. which is understandable of course. so I really started to freak out. did chris agree with me? when I got to his office I asked what he thought. he said he made an appointment that evening at 6 with a vet. he thought it was parvo too.

we went to the vet and they took a fecal test and it indeed came back positive for parvo. although, it was a "weak" positive. the vet explained that there's a dark blue dot where they put the sample and if another dot appears then it's positive. the darkness or lightness of the dot indicates the severity. pepper's dot was a rather light blue. they told us we had two options: hospitalize her there for 3 days/nights for almost $2,000 or take her home and give her a home treatment (strict diet and medication schedule) for about $300. we decided to treat her at home. that way we can continue to give her love and support and make her as comfortable as possible. so now it's time for operation: get pepper healthy again.

I'm hoping, praying, I'm right about this one. because I don't know if I can handle losing her. I have to thank my family millions for helping out though. the vet gave us a strict schedule of when to feed her, how much to feed her, and when to give her medications and we had to start today. well, since we both work, my family is amazing enough to step in and care for her for the day while we're at work. especially thanks to megan - it's her birthday weekend and I first ruined her birthday dinner at mint thai (by not being able to make it before it closed since we took pepper to the vet) and then having her take care of my sick puppy. but also thanks to my dad and brother. couldn't do it without you and I don't know if I can show you my appreciation. because of you guys, we have a chance - pepper has a chance. so thanks.

I'll keep you all updated and I ask for your prayers. I know she's just a puppy, but she's like family to us.