annoyance of the day: people who can't move on

I know I've written a couple of entries about a certain individual, but I want to make it clear that I am completely over this certain individual. I've mentioned how sometimes I think about our fun times, and I do, but the horrible times override the "fun times" and therefore I'm quickly reminded how happy and how great my life is now. it's just lame when I go through weeks of not speaking to this person and I'm in a good mood all the time and not being made to feel like crap and then all the sudden, out of the blue, he drops me a message/text. the message I happened to receive last night:


"so your re-engaged huh?"

a mere 21 minutes later:

"hey, sorry, stupid question. Congrats."


I'm glad it only took you 21 minutes to realize your stupidity rather than 21 hours later like before. but seriously - how did you manage to find that out? it's not made public on my myspace page. my facebook is set to private unless you're my friend. only solution is you borderline stalked me to come across this blog to determine this fact. you'd be doing yourself a favor if you just stop doing shit like that. you don't need to see the update of my life. it's none of your business.

and to rid of any thoughts you have - chris is amazing. he cares about me. he has his faults but he doesn't push that onto other people. he takes responsibility and mans up to his actions. he doesn't start drama or purposely try to stir up issues. he doesn't dwell on the past. and he doesn't play the blame game constantly. he makes me laugh and I feel 100% comfortable around him. we have a lot in common and at the same time we are ok with each other doing their own thing every once in a while. we don't have to be attached to the hip. and he understands that my family is the most important thing to me and that they're my best friends. he doesn't get mad if I have a late night with my cousin or if I had a long day at work and need a nap. he's understanding. and he is my fiance. and I wouldn't want it any other way.

so please do yourself a favor and leave me alone. every time we try to talk and be friends you just end up bringing up old shit and making me mad. or you'll act like you know something that you don't (remember saying the suns won't make it to the playoffs? you clearly don't know shit about basketball hun) and that frustrates me even more. I've moved on and things are great. and I know you have to - new job, new place, yada yada. so stop trying to dwell on our past. it's seriously not healthy. and life would be much more enjoyable.

I am sorry shit went down the way it did. but shit happens.



on another note: puppies of the day: 

they're all so adorable I can't pick one.

awesome: edamame. mmm.

lame: la lakers.

all things considered...

so here I am, working on what seems to be a never-ending excel spreadsheet, trying to figure out how everything is calculated, listening to pandora on my phone (can't stream at work which is super lame), trying my best to stay awake after another late game night, when this song comes up: "all things considered" by yankee grey. my first instinct was to change it since the first five or so notes game the impression that it was a country song, but I was in the middle of typing something, so I couldn't. Instead I listened to it and found it ridiculously catchy. And for some reason it made me think of TJ.

since TJ & I have completely stopped talking, I catch myself thinking about the times we spent together and how much fun I had. I wonder if I was truly being selfish and not understanding l or if I was being a bitch or if I was at complete fault like he kept claiming or what. and then I wonder if I really am a drama queen as other people claim.

but after listening to this rather short tune, I've come to the conclusion that, all things considered, I'm doing just fine. I've got the love and support from my family and friends. I have a wonderful, caring, thoughtful fiancée. I'm about to move into a beautiful house. I have a challenging and exciting job career. I may not have the drama or the fun times that he brought me, but I'm pretty dang happy - consistently happy and rather stress free. I don't want drama. I like how everything's simple now. and even though it was a hellish and long nine or so months, where I am now is awesome and I like love that. it's nice not having to feel guilty every time I spend time with friends or family or wanna take a nap. life is good.


puppy of the day (until I get a new one):

10 week old mixed female. mainly crate trained!

awesome: the suns winning playoff games that are crucial to win and winning them by 20+ points.

lame: spreadsheets that refer to every other spreadsheet and workbook on site making me take hours just to find out where one single number came from.

Part Two: my realization

...continued from earlier post...

I met up with TJ during spring break of '09 and let's just say without going into the details that we picked up from where we left off 4 years or so ago. I went back to Tucson and broke off the engagement with Chris. (Oh forgot to mention, we got engaged during the summer of '08 - which is my fault because (a) even though I wasn't ready, I kinda started putting the pressure on the idea and (b) even though I didn't see myself marrying him & had serious doubts in our relationship, I said yes). I started trying to get serious with Chris in letting him know that there were some serious issues that we needed to work out. But for whatever reason, he shrugged it off and ignored my requests. So I broke up with him.

Once I broke up with him, I wanted to get back to the Alicia I used to be. The fun, bubbly, positive, hard-working Alicia. So I started working harder in school. I moved out of the room we were sharing in the house we were renting and into my own room. Yes, this may seem like a stupid idea, but it was the middle of the semester & the easiest thing to do. Plus we were both working at our internships so we didn't spend a lot of time in the house. I began going out with friends more. I started driving home every weekend to see friends, mainly TJ. I started having fun and living life and I was loving the single life, although I was spending a lot of time with TJ.

Things were perfect with TJ before we started officially dating. He gave me all the attention I thought I wanted/needed. He would call just to say "hi," & constantly text to say "I miss you" & other sweet things. He always held my hand in public & sat next to me in restaurants (rather than sitting across in a booth). It was bliss for me. Or so I thought.

In July we started officially dating. Then once school started, I began seeing Chris more and hanging out with him & Roy a lot.  And during this time, Chris and I became friends, and for once in a long time, we started getting along. I didn't see him as my boyfriend nor did I see the need to nag him about everything. I didn't care what he did (for the most part). We became how we used to be - fun and goofy. We had a couple of classes together and did homework together from time to time. We would all (Roy, Chris & I) go to Buffalo Wild Wings so I can watch the suns games & they could eat large amounts of wings. And even though I'm still convinced that I was over Chris during that time, I started seeing Chris in a different way. I saw a caring friend. One who asks how my day is going. One who makes sure I get the help I need for my homework. One who encourages me when times are tough at work. And one who would offer a comforting hug and advice when things started getting rocky with TJ. Even though he knew what I did with TJ when we were still together, he was happy for me. But at the same time, he tried to get me to see that TJ just wasn't a good guy for me.

Even though I am still 100% convinced that I was completely over Chris during this time, I did start to realize that I was, in a way, falling back in love with Chris when I started getting upset when I did find out what he was doing on weekends (going out with girls). And when I found out he signed up for eHarmony, I was heartbroken. I mean, we were together for over four years. We were engaged. Now I know that makes me seem like a hypocrite since I was dating TJ, but eHarmony is for people who are seriously looking for a serious relationship. Why did he start being serious now? Why wasn't he serious with me?! Why did he think that he could have a serious relationship with someone else, but not me? I became even more furious when I found out he started seeing someone. That's when the first flag shot up for me. I mean, why should I care who he sees if I'm still over him?

So when things got worse with TJ (see because when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.). I started to think about why Chris & I broke up in the first place. I felt he was pushing me away. But maybe he felt I was making him push away. I was constantly nagging him, crying to him, being a drama queen & getting upset over little things - all these things that TJ was doing to me. It was driving me crazy & I began wanting to see TJ less & less. I tried to talk to him about things but if it wasn't what he wanted to hear (that I'd stop hanging out with Chris & Roy) he would keep trying to get me to talk. He tried to talk to me about something I did that hurt him when I was just too tired, and instead of talking back & sorting through the issue, I told him I wanted to go to bed and left it at that - the exact same thing that happened to me & Chris. It was that night that I realized I push Chris away by being super annoying and not understanding. I realized that I was just as much at fault over Chris & mine's breakup as he was.

Things with TJ didn't get better so I broke up with him. I wasn't going to go through the pain and exhaustion that he was putting me through when I had so much going on in my life at that time (again, see because when a heart breaks, no it don't break even). And it was then I told myself that I was going to get Chris back.

Stay tune for the next & final installment!

Part One: the endlessness of my pain

I'm having a very unproductive day at work. Again. Most of my morning was spent feeling nauseous and drowsy (drowsy from lack of sleep & nauseous from an unknown cause). I can't call/talk the people I need to call/talk to because I've basically lost my voice (damn 2 suns games in one weekend).

So what do I do? Browse the internet until my "quota has been reached." This includes reading CNN news, reading NBA news, and catching up on some blogs. Then I came across this one blog thanks to Amanda who had a link to it & I kind of scanned through until I came across an entry about unforgiveness. I read it and connected. It was a continuation of a story of the writer and her husband and their journey. So since I was bored, I read it. (The Chris and Emery Story) Although I'm not super Christian and reach out to God and there were many other clear differences, (although the writer's husband name was Chris & they dated for 5 years before marrying) I connected with her story. It wasn't the details, but the excitement, pain, shame, fear, and overall journey that I connected with. Although I probably won't chapter out our lives and the story of us being together, I do want to say a few things (in 3 simple installments - sorry, but it helps keep them readable I think).

I wouldn't say I quickly fell in love with Chris, but I eventually did (it took about 5 months). But even though I spent almost every day with him, I felt so alone. He has never been one to talk and discuss feelings and such. So I never felt like we could relate - like he understood the things I was going through. When I would go home for the weekend to be with family I was forced to rely on phone calls to feel connected with him. This tore me apart because like I said, Chris has never been the kind to talk. So our phone calls were quick "hey, how are yous" and "hope your day is going wells," nothing more. They felt empty, which in turn made me feel empty. I would hate going home because I would always get upset that I lost that connection with Chris.

My sophomore year I would say is when I hit rock bottom. I felt so distant to Chris and that he didn't love me as much as I loved him. I had so many doubts as to why I was with him in the first place. I was in a dark place and took out a lot of anger and pain on him. I longed for his attention and began to believe that I needed him. I shut myself out from the world. Curled up into a ball, away from everyone, and just stayed away from people. I didn't hang out with friends. I didn't meet new people. I began losing myself. I always did my homework - always got A's & B's on tests. I've always been a good, hardworking student. I took pride in that trait of mine. But then my grades started dropping.  I struggled greatly with my schoolwork. I couldn't focus. All I thought about was how Chris & I shouldn't be together and how unhappy I was. I used to call my mom and best friend Tracy every day. But then I began feeling like an annoyance. I felt like I only called my friends when I was upset and crying over something Chris did. And I didn't think that was fair to them. They shouldn't have to hear me cry all the time. And because they only heard me cry all the time, because that seemed to be the only time I called them, they began thinking bad of Chris - thinking he was a bad guy and that he wasn't right for me. So instead of hearing people tell me that we weren't good together, I just stopped talking to them. I didn't want to hear it. I refused to hear it.

I starting building up resentment and uncontrollable anger for Chris. By my junior year, I became a bitchy girlfriend. I nagged him to do things. I constantly made him feel like shit when he screwed up. I would sabotage his nights out with his friends. I did whatever I could to make him feel pain - the pain that I felt every day and every night. Again, plan failed.

There were two major events that convinced me that I needed to get away and end our relationship.

The first was the death of my tata (grandpa). I was close with my tata. I have so many memories with him. He got sick during the fall of my senior year but I convinced myself that he would make it and get better. I was wrong. He passed away the Sunday after Christmas '08. My mom and tias (aunts) were with him and I was with my dad and brothers celebrating Christmas at my grandma's with my cousins and aunts (on my dad's side). I asked Chris, who was in Tucson, if he could come up as soon as possible as I needed some comfort - some comfort that was outside of my family's since everyone else was feeling the same: depressed. I needed some uplifting. I needed someone to see something positive that myself, and everyone around me were unable to see. He said he'd be there that Wednesday, but because it was so close to New Year's he made the last minute decision to stay in Tucson to go out and party with his friends. He chose to drink and party while I was miserable and in an immense amount of pain. He came for the funeral, but it didn't matter by then. I was starting the new year in the worst way imaginable - without my beloved tata and alone.

Then there was the huge fight with Greg. Things got ugly very quick and Greg said some extremely harsh things. But what bothered me most, was amidst of all the horrid things Greg called me, Chris didn't once stick up for me. He didn't once say, "hey Greg, that's enough," or "don't call her that, Greg." Nothing. I'm not saying I wanted him to punch Greg for saying those things or start calling him names back, I just wanted to know that he'd protect me if things got worst. But that wasn't there.

During this time, I've been talking to TJ for a couple of months. I always was attracted to him & craved the attention he was giving me. So that spring break, I met up with him.

to be finished at a later time...

because when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.

It's been quite a while since I've written - not that I didn't have anything to write about - but mainly because my life became so complicated and hectic it's taken me a while to sort everything out. I've spent the past couple of months growing up and falling down (again) - trying to remember what I want in life.  I don't have everything figured out anymore and it seems like everything I once knew has gotten lost in the wind.  I've been having a lot of "What the fuck?!" feelings lately and it sucks.  Life was so good in July.  What happened?  Well here's a start:

TJ (John) & I broke up.  It was my decision that came after four to five weeks of continuous fighting.  I was nothing but honest & straightforward with him.  But that was never enough.  And his constant doubt and feeling that I wasn't being truthful pushed me away and forced me to become someone that wasn't me.  I won't go into details about our ridiculous and often pointless fights, but it was nonstop.  There were things he couldn't move past (like the fact that my best friends were Chris & Roy) & things I wasn't willing to compromise about (like not being friends with Chris & Roy).  Near the end, I saw a violent side of him (no he wasn't violent towards me, just the wall) & then saw a clingy, obsessive side as he would call 5-10 times a day and send probably around 50 texts a day to me.  I tried my best to help him understand how I felt and why I felt like things could never work but he refused to let go.  This behavior, I can also say, pushed me away even further.  But I think it's finally over now...five weeks later.  And even though I miss the amazing times we had, I'm glad.  I feel horrible for breaking his heart, but I think it was better of me to do it when I did rather than wait and make it worse.  I'm not sure if I did truly love him (how can someone love someone after only a couple of months?) but I did care about him - and still do.  But in order for him to move on, I have to cut my ties with him, unfortunately.  I can't say it isn't hard.  I still find myself thinking about what I had and how happy I was.  But then I remember how I felt those five weeks and am confident in my decision.

That's all I have the energy to write about for now.