Part Two: my realization

...continued from earlier post...

I met up with TJ during spring break of '09 and let's just say without going into the details that we picked up from where we left off 4 years or so ago. I went back to Tucson and broke off the engagement with Chris. (Oh forgot to mention, we got engaged during the summer of '08 - which is my fault because (a) even though I wasn't ready, I kinda started putting the pressure on the idea and (b) even though I didn't see myself marrying him & had serious doubts in our relationship, I said yes). I started trying to get serious with Chris in letting him know that there were some serious issues that we needed to work out. But for whatever reason, he shrugged it off and ignored my requests. So I broke up with him.

Once I broke up with him, I wanted to get back to the Alicia I used to be. The fun, bubbly, positive, hard-working Alicia. So I started working harder in school. I moved out of the room we were sharing in the house we were renting and into my own room. Yes, this may seem like a stupid idea, but it was the middle of the semester & the easiest thing to do. Plus we were both working at our internships so we didn't spend a lot of time in the house. I began going out with friends more. I started driving home every weekend to see friends, mainly TJ. I started having fun and living life and I was loving the single life, although I was spending a lot of time with TJ.

Things were perfect with TJ before we started officially dating. He gave me all the attention I thought I wanted/needed. He would call just to say "hi," & constantly text to say "I miss you" & other sweet things. He always held my hand in public & sat next to me in restaurants (rather than sitting across in a booth). It was bliss for me. Or so I thought.

In July we started officially dating. Then once school started, I began seeing Chris more and hanging out with him & Roy a lot.  And during this time, Chris and I became friends, and for once in a long time, we started getting along. I didn't see him as my boyfriend nor did I see the need to nag him about everything. I didn't care what he did (for the most part). We became how we used to be - fun and goofy. We had a couple of classes together and did homework together from time to time. We would all (Roy, Chris & I) go to Buffalo Wild Wings so I can watch the suns games & they could eat large amounts of wings. And even though I'm still convinced that I was over Chris during that time, I started seeing Chris in a different way. I saw a caring friend. One who asks how my day is going. One who makes sure I get the help I need for my homework. One who encourages me when times are tough at work. And one who would offer a comforting hug and advice when things started getting rocky with TJ. Even though he knew what I did with TJ when we were still together, he was happy for me. But at the same time, he tried to get me to see that TJ just wasn't a good guy for me.

Even though I am still 100% convinced that I was completely over Chris during this time, I did start to realize that I was, in a way, falling back in love with Chris when I started getting upset when I did find out what he was doing on weekends (going out with girls). And when I found out he signed up for eHarmony, I was heartbroken. I mean, we were together for over four years. We were engaged. Now I know that makes me seem like a hypocrite since I was dating TJ, but eHarmony is for people who are seriously looking for a serious relationship. Why did he start being serious now? Why wasn't he serious with me?! Why did he think that he could have a serious relationship with someone else, but not me? I became even more furious when I found out he started seeing someone. That's when the first flag shot up for me. I mean, why should I care who he sees if I'm still over him?

So when things got worse with TJ (see because when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.). I started to think about why Chris & I broke up in the first place. I felt he was pushing me away. But maybe he felt I was making him push away. I was constantly nagging him, crying to him, being a drama queen & getting upset over little things - all these things that TJ was doing to me. It was driving me crazy & I began wanting to see TJ less & less. I tried to talk to him about things but if it wasn't what he wanted to hear (that I'd stop hanging out with Chris & Roy) he would keep trying to get me to talk. He tried to talk to me about something I did that hurt him when I was just too tired, and instead of talking back & sorting through the issue, I told him I wanted to go to bed and left it at that - the exact same thing that happened to me & Chris. It was that night that I realized I push Chris away by being super annoying and not understanding. I realized that I was just as much at fault over Chris & mine's breakup as he was.

Things with TJ didn't get better so I broke up with him. I wasn't going to go through the pain and exhaustion that he was putting me through when I had so much going on in my life at that time (again, see because when a heart breaks, no it don't break even). And it was then I told myself that I was going to get Chris back.

Stay tune for the next & final installment!

because when a heart breaks, no it don't break even.

It's been quite a while since I've written - not that I didn't have anything to write about - but mainly because my life became so complicated and hectic it's taken me a while to sort everything out. I've spent the past couple of months growing up and falling down (again) - trying to remember what I want in life.  I don't have everything figured out anymore and it seems like everything I once knew has gotten lost in the wind.  I've been having a lot of "What the fuck?!" feelings lately and it sucks.  Life was so good in July.  What happened?  Well here's a start:

TJ (John) & I broke up.  It was my decision that came after four to five weeks of continuous fighting.  I was nothing but honest & straightforward with him.  But that was never enough.  And his constant doubt and feeling that I wasn't being truthful pushed me away and forced me to become someone that wasn't me.  I won't go into details about our ridiculous and often pointless fights, but it was nonstop.  There were things he couldn't move past (like the fact that my best friends were Chris & Roy) & things I wasn't willing to compromise about (like not being friends with Chris & Roy).  Near the end, I saw a violent side of him (no he wasn't violent towards me, just the wall) & then saw a clingy, obsessive side as he would call 5-10 times a day and send probably around 50 texts a day to me.  I tried my best to help him understand how I felt and why I felt like things could never work but he refused to let go.  This behavior, I can also say, pushed me away even further.  But I think it's finally over now...five weeks later.  And even though I miss the amazing times we had, I'm glad.  I feel horrible for breaking his heart, but I think it was better of me to do it when I did rather than wait and make it worse.  I'm not sure if I did truly love him (how can someone love someone after only a couple of months?) but I did care about him - and still do.  But in order for him to move on, I have to cut my ties with him, unfortunately.  I can't say it isn't hard.  I still find myself thinking about what I had and how happy I was.  But then I remember how I felt those five weeks and am confident in my decision.

That's all I have the energy to write about for now.