"because there is no effort without error and shortcoming"

oh how right you are, teddy roosevelt (can I call you teddy?). I want to call my month of January a complete failure. already. how sad is that? not only did I have french fries yesterday (don't worry, I feel pretty bummed about it), but chris and I haven not dedicated ourselves to talking for at least half an hour each day, nor do we do a fun activity each night. which is pretty much all the "conditions" I had to meet in order to achieve the goal of connecting with chris on a deeper level this month. sure it's only the 12th day of the month, but how successful can you be if you don't fulfill the challenge the whole month? you can't just half-ass a month-long challenge.

so to sum up. my first month of challenge life operation is definitely a FAIL. AND I already broke the number 1 new year's resolution I made this year.

now, I can sulk, cry in a corner, give up on life, and accept the fact that I'll always be unhappy, but I will not. with the recent events in Tucson, it forces you to realize that being depressed (or fearful) is not the answer to overcoming such tragedy. because then you will allow your inner demon (or the asshole shooter) to win.

at the suns vs. knicks game on friday♥♥

so after reassessing my situation, I have not failed. yes, I have failed in meeting my conditions of the month, but it's pretty ridiculous to set conditions for something like connecting with your significant other on a deeper level. it's not something you can write instructions on. it's something you have to go with the flow on, something you adjust to based on actions and circumstances. overall, chris and I have been doing rather well, depending on how you look at it. I haven't gotten as upset as I usually do. instead, if something he does makes me sad or angry, I just tell him, "blah blah made me sad/angry/hurt/upset." and we've had a few conversations. not hour long discussions, but that's ok. we've been talking more and that's really what I wanted to achieve.

only thing is, I feel I have been putting more effort than he. if only he knew what teddy knew: that "there is no effort without error and shortcoming." because frankly, I think he's afraid. I think he's afraid that his effort won't be good enough. that his effort will result in me getting upset/mad anyways. that his effort will be wrong. but regardless of the what happens with his effort, along with my effort, we will be closer and stronger with it. I truly believe that.

as for my french fry resolution, there's no excuse to justify why I broke my resolution. but again, I will not give up. I can't quit french fries cold turkey. so I need to ease out of it. chris, my supportive boyfriend (it's so wonderful to be able to say that!), suggest that I just modify my resolution. only fries once every other week. so I will do that for a couple of months. then fries only once a month for a couple of months. then I will attempt no fries for a couple of months. that's my new resolution. yes, I'm modifying my resolution. deal with it.

this must be it, welcome to the new year

I think my main cause for disappointment for the year 2010 is my lack of accomplishment. I don't feel like I achieved any of my lifetime goals. I don't feel like I went anywhere in life. yes, I bought my first home and yes I started my first post-college job, but those were things that needed to be done - not dreams/goals I wanted to accomplish. and with the 7 months of living in our house, I haven't done too much to it to make it our home. I haven't hung pictures or even completely unpacked. and with my lack of motivation to much of anything, I was washed over by negative and depressing thoughts.

so when new year's day came along, I decided that this year I am going to get up and do something. not only will it keep my mind preoccupied and away from the dark side, but it will also challenge me to become a better person, which is my ultimate goal. for the past couple of days, I thought about how I wanted to do this - I have so many goals in life and honestly life is too short. then I thought, why don't I make a list of 12 things I want to get accomplished this year and challenge myself to do it each month.

then I saw the rest of the blogosphere came up with the same idea. (really? I thought I was a freakin' genius for this one!) oh well. that shouldn't stop me from pursuing what I want. one of my new year's resolutions was to do more stuff for myself, so I'm not gonna hold back.

here's my tentative monthly to-dos list (most of them stem from my 2011 resolutions):

1. no fast food and cook meals at home
2. exercise daily
3. spend more time reconnecting with chris
4. take more pictures
5. explore more unique and local places to eat and be entertained
6. write more poetry
7. do volunteer work
8. spend more time outside
9. bake
10. finish decorating tha crib
11. no tv
12. dress up

these aren't in the order that I'll be doing them and I may change them, but I think I have the ability to dedicate myself to each one for a period of time. I'm hoping that by making myself do something every day for a month (like exercising), will enable me to fit that activity in my daily life permanently. in other words, I don't want to do these things for a month then quit, I want to challenge myself to learn how to adapt my life around them. that's my ultimate goal at least.

I also want to dedicate myself more to blogging and not just about my boring, depressing life, but maybe ways on how to get yourself out of a hole and realize how great life is. basically, my blog is going to have a much-needed make over soon. ;)