a pep talk to myself

I am strong.

I am special.

I can do anything.

sometimes life throws hurdles in our path,

but we just have to keep on going full speed ahead,

looking inside ourselves

for the courage to leap over them

and never look back.

always believe in yourself

as much as others believe in you.

I have this in a little wallet-sized card that my sister (megan) gave me for my birthday. one of the most touching things I've received in awhile. I cried. 

chris and I are going to his grandma's for 9 days. she lives on the edge of new york by pennsylvania. I've been told there's no internet. I'm hoping the lack of technology will allow us to bond and remember not only that we need to live life and not be focused on work all the time but also what brought us together as a couple in the first place. I'm hoping our fire can be reignited and that we can bond again so that I can't stand being in the same room as him.

I am strong.

I am special.

I can do anything.

birthday cards and broken hearts

what happened to birthday cards that made your day? the cards where it would say something funny or cheesy and then the person would write a sweet or thoughtful message inside. and getting cards from all your family and friends. what happened to those birthdays?

debi (the admin clerk at the SX plant) got me a card and had everyone at work sign it and gave it to me today (even though my birthday was saturday - no biggie). I waited until I got back to my office - and I'm glad I did, because when I read it, I got tears in my eyes. not because anyone wrote something that touched my heart. but because no one really wrote anything. only two people wrote more than three words. here's my card breakdown: 14 out of the 19 people who signed my card just wrote "happy birthday [insert name here]." three people didn't even do that much and just wrote their names (including my boss!). now I know I'm new and I know not very many people know me that well, but I'd figure those who I do talk to on a daily basis would have a little bit more to say than just a "happy birthday." something like "happy birthday, hope you have a great day" or "best wishes on you birthday" or something - I don't care - just something more than two words!

I almost feel hurt and as if I'm not liked around the office. I mean, the people I work with can't take the time out of their day to write a little message for my birthday. especially if they know they had a sub-par birthday. I feel like I don't have a personal relationship with anyone I work with because they can't take the time to write something on my card. my relationships at work are strictly work and that makes me sad. every else that I've worked at (minus sierrita) I've had somewhat of a personal relationship with my coworkers. I would hang out with the other interns outside of work. and I remember for my birthday when I worked at asarco everyone signed my card and had something to say.

then I got to thinking. I got a total of 6 cards this year for my birthday. (not from my so-called "fiance" - but we'll save that for another post.) I remember being a kid and getting so many cards from everyone and getting to open them all and read the pre-written message and then get to read a personal message from the sender. you don't get that anymore. not because I'm older, but because technology's there. any kid today probably doesn't get cards very often. forget cards. they're almost obsolete. instead of getting a bunch of cards, I got a bunch of text messages and facebook posts. and they said the same thing! "happy birthday." (minus the few good friends I have that took the time to say something thoughtful.) I mean am I really that horrible and unlikeable of a person? or are you just lazy? I'd rather you not say "happy birthday" if you don't mean it and I feel that if you're just saying "happy birthday" with nothing else, then you really don't mean it. you're just trying to look like a nice person. a real friend would say something nice. and I feel hurt because after summer fashion week (hosted by emery at moms are for everyone!) I've really realized how much a simple little comment or compliment could really make someone's day. and I feel a quick message in a card can have the same effect. it really shows you care about them.

technology's really taken over our lives. it's really taken the personal-ness out of anything. it makes me sad.

one score and 3 years ago...minus 2 days

saturday, I "celebrated" my 23rd birthday. (if you do the math, that makes my birthday 8/7/87 = most badass, unforgettable birthday ever!) I say "celebrated" because I didn't really do much. I'm actually quite disappointed. heartbroken even. since we've been together, chris and I have either not been together or hadn't had time due to school to celebrate my birthday. (even though I always took the time to celebrate his in february.) so I told him I wanted to do something special. just him and I. something fun. and then I told him I wanted to go to san diego. stay at a cheap hotel. and lay on the beach and relax all weekend long. that's all I wanted. I wanted us (mainly chris) to take a break from work and just relax and enjoy life. I know how stressed chris has been with work (not that he tells/talks to me) and wanted to try to ease his stress. I wanted him to remember to enjoy life and not think about work all the time. I would have drove (because I have to). and I would have made the arrangements. but throughout the week, chris made it seem like he was going to surprise me but not wanting to tell me what we'd do for the weekend. then friday comes around and I ask again what the plans are, because my parents wanted to know if I'll be home or not for my mom to make me dinner and sush.

chris's angry/frustrated reply: "how about for your birthday I buy your plane ticket to new york" (not that I asked him to or didn't offer to pay him back) "or how about I pay for pepper's vet bill" (again, not that I asked him to or didn't offer to pay him back) "you're stressing me out more than I already am."

um what? how can a relaxing trip to san diego be stressful? especially when I don't want to plan anything or stay anywhere fancy. I just wanted to go with the flow. that's all. be spontaneous. be fun. be free. I guess he also told my mom that I wanted to go to sd so that it will be "all about me." ha.

soooo we didn't go to san diego. my mom tried to comfort me by reminding us how unreliable my car (paula) has been lately. chris didn't have any other plans for me for my birthday. I didn't get anything from him - not that I wanted anything, but didn't even get a card. my mom made tacos for me and that was my night. how boring. scotty & megan got me some cool stuff to use/take with me on our trip to new york (how thoughtful!) and my mom gave me one of her potteries from work and some cookies.

aaahhh the beauty

I'm pretty heartbroken that I didn't get to go to san diego though. I was really hoping for a getaway for chris and I so we can reconnect and do some bonding (like our first trip to sd back when we first started dating - which, by the way, is where my favorite pic of us on the right is taken). chris later told me he felt really bad and that I didn't deserve that and that he'll make it up to me blah blah blah - but he was drinking at the time when he said that so I'm still not very hopeful.

I know we have this trip to new york coming up next week, but for some reason I just can't get excited about it. we won't be close to any of the major cities (I think we're closer to pennsylvania) and we'll be staying at his grandma's. I'm just afraid we won't do anything. I mean if we don't even do anything when we're at home, why would we do anything somewhere else?

I'm trying to be more positive and optimistic, really I am. but I feel so boring. I'm young - only 23 - and I don't do anything. I want to do fun things as a couple with chris. but by the time we get home, chris just wants to relax and we only have so many hours to get things done around the house before the day's over. and then on weekends all he wants to do is "relax" and sit on the couch and watch tv. come on now.

I want to be doing fun stuff. I want to be active. I want to be young and crazy. I want to be spontaneous and adventurous. I want to live life to the fullest. and I think I'm mainly disappointed in myself because I haven't yet. I haven't been living life to the fullest and I should be. I should create a "bucketlist." maybe that will motivate me more to do fun things.

annoyance of the day: "political" moves by musicians

dear musicians who chose to be political by boycotting arizona,

I get it. you don't like the SB1070 law. you think it's unconstitutional. you want to make a stand. yada yada yada. but making a difference doesn't mean make your fans suffer. we - your fans - have supported you. we are the ones who bought your albums. we are the ones who attended your shows at the little venues like the rialto (in tucson - which, as a former frequent rialto attender, I'd hate to see the historic venue close down because of artists like you who refuse to entertain those who support you) and the marquee (in tempe). we are the ones who buy your merchandise. we are the ones who make you famous and money. why would you punish us? why does taking your "stand" mean we don't get to enjoy your live music? why not try actively protesting and taking an active stand. how is refusing to play shows in our state active? brewer doesn't give a shit about you. she could care less if you play here or not. she doesn't give a shit if your measly shows hurt our economy. (she'll just take more money away from our education so more and more people will grow up with the same mindset as hers.) she probably doesn't even know who you are. we are the ones who care.

and maybe you forgot, but we are not the ones who have a say in the law. sb1070 was not a public vote. we did not vote it into law. not all of us agree with it. (regardless of how I feel about the law.) our governor signed the law. she made the decision. punish her. don't punish us because we live in the state of arizona. we're not going to pack our bags and move our whole lives because of a silly law and what it may or may not do. your boycotting is not hurting those who enforce the law, it's only hurting the venue owners and the fans who always go to your shows - the ones who have always supported you.

bottom line: your boycotting is not doing a damn thing. yes, it's just hurting our economy but that mainly hurts the people - the fans - not the government. use your head. stop trying to be all political. stop trying to think you're making a change by boycotting the state. if you don't like the law, go to the people who matter - the ones who can actually do something about it - aka the government. protest. march. go to lobbyists. throw shit at their house. I don't care. but don't make me hate you because you refuse to play in arizona (which is a beautiful state, by the way) when I have nothing to do with the "point" you're trying to make. 

maroon 5, kanye west, cyprus hill,etc. and those who decide to follow, I'm boycotting your music. see if I buy your cd's again bastards.

signed, 

your ex-fan,

alicia.

fashion friday v. 3

breaking news! I can now finally fully eat with both sides of my mouth! wooooo! I'm eating lunch (tuna casserole which is sooooo amazingly good that it almost deserves it's own blog post) and finally get to really enjoy it because I'm not concentrating on eating on just the left side of my mouth. oh, some background would probably be helpful for those who don't know. at the end of june, (the 27th) I had the two wisdom teeth on the right side of my mouth pulled. not because they bothered me (I barely noticed they came in or that they were even there) but because they fear the top one would get too many cavities (there was a gap between it and the tooth next to it) and the tooth on the bottom was coming in at an angle and got caught onto a nook of the tooth next to it. so it was more of, what we like to call here at work, preventative maintenance. I was majorally upset though since there weren't any major issues with it, but whatever. I had so much pain in my jaw (all along the jawline to my chin) for pretty much four weeks. like crazy pain. like wake-me-up pain. I was popping ibuprofen like I was drug addict. I'm surprised I didn't overdose personally because sometimes it would hurt so bad that I would pop a bunch without really thinking about much other than getting rid of the pain. pain aside, needless to say I had a hole in my mouth that kept getting food in it. so I avoided eating with that side of my mouth so I didn't have to go through the trouble of getting the food out using this fancy curvy syringe tool thing they gave me to clean it out (which happens to be the exact same tool we use to clean cheyenne's battle wounds - not the exact same one - the vet gave cheyenne her own). well now, my hole's (which I would refer to my "tooth hole" per request of my family since saying "crap I got stuff in my hole" anywhere is borderline inappropriate) pretty closed up that I can somewhat easily use my tongue to clean it out. so I'm not afraid to eat on that side anymore! yay! it's hard to keep food on one side of your mouth.

that's not the reason I'm writing (although I'm not sure if there really is one) and I probably went into too much detail but it's a good thing for me. and I get to leave work a little early for a doctor's appointment where I'll hopefully be able to convince my doctor to switch my birth control and hopefully I won't feel nauseous every morning! (although tracy's advice she gave to me of taking it earlier in the evening did help but instead of being nauseous at 4/5 am, I get nauseous at 2/3 am and if I happen to wake up at that time it sucks.)

so today's going alright so far. thank god. because i really need a good day. I've been really down in the dumps lately and it's really exhausting. things haven't gotten better with chris. just more bullshit that makes me more frustrated and depressed. although yesterday it seemed he finally kinda understands why I haven't set up an appointment with a counselor or something. but I'll get into that another time.

I want to do a fashion friday! (sorry you had to read all of that tooth stuff to get to the good stuff.) I've recently discovered and fell in love with etsy (I know, I'm way slow, not to mention uber lame). it's the easiest way for me to see unique styles that I like. here's a few things that caught my eye:

if I cooked a lot, I'd want an apron like this. I love the vintage-y style - too cute. it's almost like a mini dress. and the green waistband and pocket are awesome.

I love the color of this necklace. it's so simple yet it draws me to it for some reason.

this hair piece it also adorable and simple with a vintage feel. would be great for my short hair.

I love the owl thing too.

this next one I'm actually stealing from amanda. she posted it a while ago, but it's still fresh on my mind and I love it so.

:) that's all. have a good friday.

new week = new attitude

ahhh I hate when I get all depressed and bummed and write mushy lame posts that make no sense to anyone but me pretty much because it's filled with so much rambling - although, which of my posts are not filled with ramblings? anyways, although I still feel pretty crappy and un-optimistic about where my relationship with chris is going, I did manage to get him to talk with me saturday morning. if he stays true to his word (for once) and I can stop being so bitchy all the time, there may still be some hope for us. I still think we need some serious professional help though. just someone we can talk to to help us find a way we can talk to each other. but we'll see.

that's my motivational face - in case you need a little
motivation on this monday morning

it's a new week. and with new weeks comes new days. (that was deep, huh?) I woke up early, probably because I didn't sleep well at all last night (woke up four or five times between 8pm and 4am) and took a shower. I got out, and I felt motivated. (I always seem to do that when I shower monday mornings.) but so far my motivation hasn't faded yet. (sure, it's only 10am.) so I'm hoping it will last until I get home so I can get some shit done around the house. and maybe I can even get a little bit of exercising done. (if you can call wii fit and dancing aerobic videos exercising - hey, gotta start somewhere right?) and maybe this motivation will put me in a good mood for the rest of the week. and I won't be bitchy to chris and he'll be nice and loving to me and we'll live happily ever after!

hope everyone else is having a motivational monday.

get over it already

how did I get here? how in the world did I fall into this endless hole again? (you'd think I'd barricade it off after the last time I fell in it.) I don't want to be here - in this hole that is all too familiar. but it seems this hole is deeper. and it's getting harder for me to find my way out.

I'm broken. no, I feel shattered into a million pieces. I want to curl up in a corner and cry. I have crawled into a corner and cried. there's no reason for me to be so broken, so fragile. life is good. I have a good job. sure I dislike my boss and am frustrated with the way things are run, but frustrations will be at every job I have. that's just part of the job. I have a beautiful home, my home, that I get to reside with my puppies and boyfriend. I have a wonderful family who love me very much. I have a good relationship with all of my family. I have a good education. I have good friends. I have a great life.

so why am I so broken? why do I feel like there's no hope? I've been through these doubts. I've been through these pains. I thought I recovered from these doubts and pains. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel so broken. I want to live my life. I want to learn. I want to explore. but I can't. I can't get the motivation anymore. I can't get the heart to do anything.

I feel so alone. no one to talk to. no one to share my true emotions with. there's chris, ha. there's no point. he never listens. he doesn't care. there's my mom, but she has her own worries. her own pain. and there's tracy, who also has her own pain - dealing with a sick family member. how could I force my insignificant problems on her? who else? who else will listen? who else will understand? everyone's happy. everyone has their families. everyone has their married life with their wonderful husbands who supports them and stands by them 100%. who do I have? I haven't even talked to my fiance for the past two days.

I've spent so many years whining to people about my problems. no one wants to listen anymore. no one can help me. what can I do? I'm in this on my own. I have to find my way out. because no one can help me. no one wants to listen to me whine. I'm such a drama queen. such a baby. get over this alicia. wake up. there's no reason so cry to the point where you can't breathe. there's no reason to be depressed. get over it. grow up.