just what i needed

This weekend - was AH-MAZING. TJ - John helped me bring down my new bed and spent the night/day with me. We didn't really do anything exciting but just hung out. We did a lot of talking...rather he did a lot of talking. But I don't mind. It was super nice. It was awesome just being able to listen for once rather than doing all the talking (which was always the case with Chris). He told me so much about his childhood and the different places he grew up. He explained to me the shitty-ness of one of his ex-girlfriends - his first true "love" - and the craziness of their relationship. He talked about his brother & sister and how they got to the place they are now. He talked about a lot of things that I don't think he even expected to reveal to me already. And then I felt so bad because he even started crying a bit when he started talking about his dad and how he hasn't seen him since he was like 13. I'm not sure why he brought it up though if he was so emotional about it. I told him to stop wasting time and to just go see his dad. There's no reason why he shouldn't.

We also watched a movie (after realizing you can't use a phone number at Blockbuster) - got some lunch at Casa Molina - goofed around - and I even made him dinner. :-) I made him my family's famous tuna casarole - which he enjoyed as much as he could (he had an upset stomach from some Jack in the Box he ate the other night). But it was just nice hanging out with him. And amazing waking up next to him. :-)

We also discuss our "status". He told me he hated me for seeing him cry & that I was the second girl to see him cry - but the first to see him cry about something he cared about (I guess his ex would say nasty things to push his buttons). He also made it clear that he was scared because he knew he was caring about me. He said after his psycho ex - he just stopped giving a shit. & his more recent exes he just didn't give a shit about - to an extent of course - like he wouldn't care if they hung out with guys. But he said that with me, he does care and worries when I hang out with other guys. And he's not sure what that means. And I guess I also freaked him out/worried him Friday night because he texted me & I told him I was driving through Florence and he tried texting me but I didn't reply. So he called me to make sure I was still alive. Thing was I didn't get the messages until like half an hour or so later (phone issues). He says he's scared that he's gonna hurt me. Again, with his psycho ex, when they fought, they would say nasty, hurtful things, and he said that he doesn't want that to happen with me. And I told him, I wouldn't give him a reason to do that. I'm not crazy. I have a direction in my life I'm heading towards. I don't do meth (like his psycho ex). And I basically give my heart to the one I'm with. I do whatever it takes to make them happy.

So, it seemed like the day was filled with him fighting with himself about our "status". It seems like he wants to be in a relationship with me, but just too scared. Of what exactly, I don't know. But I can tell I'm getting to him. He tells me all the things he likes about me. Calls my eyes "fire eyes" (because they're yellow in the middle - the hottest part - & green around the edges - the coolest part). Likes that I'm a dork and thinks I'm cute. Tells me all these camping spots he wants to take me and tells me he wants to teach me hunting. And now, since I gave him such an awesome weekend, he's gonna plan something special for my birthday - including...drumroll...our first official date. :-) I'm so excited. If it's anything like our first first date (back in 2005ish) - it should be AH-MAZING. (First time we went out, he took me to Saguaro Lake to watch the sunset.) So we'll see where that goes.

what if I fall along the way, would you be there to ease the pain?

I'm not sure what I hate more. The fact that I come back to Tucson to emptiness. Or the fact that I leave everything I care about in AJ. Maybe it's just one of those days. The days when you feel like the whole world's against you. When you feel like God (or whatever ultimate power) is just throwing every challenge at you just to see if you can dodge every single one or if you'll crumble. My last few years have been insane and heart wrenching. Heartache after heartache, exhaustion after exhaustion, drama after drama - it seems like it's a never ending cycle of shittyness. And no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to pull myself out of this hole. It's like I see the sun shining through the water, but no matter how hard I swim, I just can't break the surface. And I sit here, on days like this, and wonder if I'll ever make it to the surface - if I'll ever be just happy, go-lucky, bubbly Alicia. I used to be such a positive person, before college. And now I sometimes barely recognize myself.

Breaking up with someone you care about and have cared about for nearly four years is not easy. I have gone through so much pain and heartbreak with Chris, but it's still not easy. And it's mainly because of his lack of a reaction. He seems fine - moving on so easily. No pain. No heartbreak. Nothing. Did I really invest four years of my life in him for nothing? Did I really put myself through so much pain and hell to make things work for nothing? Did he ever want it to work? Those are questions haunting me tonight. It's like he never appreciated anything I did. Like I wasn't some life-changing person. Like I was pretty much nothing. He doesn't seem like he's coping. Am I surprised - I mean, really? The main reason I broke up with him was because of his lack of emotion. But I just didn't think he would let me walk away so easily - not even try to fight for us. It just shows me how important our relationship was to him. And that's what hurts the most for me. Yes, I miss our future goals and hopes and yes I loved him. But I've spent so much time crying and hurting and suffering that I honestly just don't have any more tears to cry about him. But seeing him not shed a tear - that hurts. A lot. And I know he knows about TJ. And that doesn't really seem to bother him either. Nothing. I don't regret breaking up with him. Just seeing how much I mean to him makes me kind of regret not breaking up with him sooner.

I miss my tata. He was such an amazing individual. June marked 6 months since he left us.

And I was so scared of thinking about it and being around family, I sort of avoided my mom and hung out with friends all day. I felt bad and still do, but it doesn't change the fact that I still miss him. Every time I make a wish over the railroad tracks, I just wish he's eating lots of frijoles and tamales and is happy with nana in heaven. As each month goes by, I become more and more terrified. The year 2009 has been somewhat good to me. I have grown so much this year. I have improved myself in so many ways - just like my tata would have wanted. But I know that once November comes around it's all going to go out the window. All the traditions - gone. And I honestly don't know what to do. Who's going to say grace at Thanksgiving dinner? Who's gonna make beans for Tea & I Christmas morning? I can't go on. I'm not ready yet...

And to top it all off, with all this shittyness I'm feeling right now, I have no one to go to. I've spent the past two days decorating and organizing my own room. And now I'm sitting here, at my Ikea desk I put together all by myself, alone. I write this as Chris comes in to put a hand on my shoulder and dance on my bed...I guess some things will never change.

what it takes...

This past semester, in one of my ChEE classes, Blowers had us write down our goals. He wanted us to be detailed and realistic, but still high. I came across mine the other day and thought I'd share them.

• get master's degree in metallurgy
• have a winter or summer cabin (either in the mountains or by a lake, respectively)
• buy my parents a new house
• have a beagle puppy I can name Copper (Cu)
• have multiple pets named after elements off the periodic table (like Molybedinum, or Moly for short, Titanium = Ty, Magnesium = Magie, Nitrogen = Nitro, and so on...)
• have a high paying job that I love and enjoy near home
• be able to travel when I retire (and some before I retire)
• have a home where I have my own pond with ducks and fish
• develop some new, crazy, efficient way of processing minerals
• have amazinly smart & responsible kids (raise them like I was raised)
• learn how to play the guitar, piano, drums, & cello - in no particular order
• when my parents get older, I want to be able to care for them
• take my kids on a train across some states
• swim with dolphins
• have a cd collection as big as my dad's - actually bigger
• meet someone who doesn't mind spoiling me every once in a while
• go see the Suns play live
• be able to sit at home for a day and do nothing but play video games, watch tv, and sleep
• make someone else's life better

it's just a matter of time...

As much as I want to discuss how I feel about some recent "drama" that has occurred, I will refrain. There is no need for me to get into it. I graduated high school four years ago. I have grown into an adult and have no need to "act out" like a child who doesn't get dessert after dinner ("how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!"). That's all I have to say about that. Even though I'm a bit annoyed about what I've heard - I'm not getting myself involved because it has nothing to do with me.

As for my weekend - another great weekend back in my hometown. Delicious homemade dinners. Lunch with old friends. Puzzles with mom. And some quality time with TJ. All equate to a wonderful weekend. And I also finally got to learn a little bit about TJ. He sure is a talker. It's nice to just listen.

As for TJ & I. I keep telling myself I don't want a relationship right now, and part of me agrees with that. The other part is reminding me how much I like him. But according to him: he "digs" me & I "dig" him and he's not "banging" any other chick and we're "basically" dating - in his book - and I'm "practically" his "woman" but we're not in a relationship. ??? Oook. I get it. But then I don't. Am I supposed to be commited - not date any one else? I disagree with his way of thinking this time. He says he needs to be on his own to "get his shit together" but I think if you have the right person (*ahem*me*cough*) you can not only reach your goals, but you can even surpass them. The wrong person (*cough*his ex*cough) will bring you down because you have to spend all your time and energy trying to make someone miserable happy. And that's not right. But if you have a reasonably strong person, someone who can take care of herself and can spend the night alone every now & then, someone that is ok with your camping trips with just the boys - she can help you. She can be the encouragement and motivation that you need. I don't think you should push yourself away from someone you clearly like & are into & have some kind of bond with because you are scared or something. If you like someone, why beat around the bush? Why wait until "it's meant to be" or whatever. Life's too short to just sit around and wait.

But then again, part of me is like - this is nice. We're getting to know each other. We're building a stronger bond. And what's the rush? I'm young. It's not like I'm turning 50 tomorrow and have never been married. There's no need to rush something like this. We're just chillen. Having fun. We don't need to label anything. We don't need to "declare" that we like each other. We already know that. And it's not like because we're not in a relationship we're not seeing each other or missing out on anything.

I guess there's no responsibilities with what we "have" right now. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. And I'm not sure exactly how I feel about it yet (clearly) but I do know I'm just gonna try to do my best at going with the flow. If I don't think about it as much, maybe things will just fall together. It's weird though. It's like we're complete opposites with so much in common. If that makes any sense at all. I'll try: he's a "cowboy", wears cowboy boots & tight jeans & listens to country - I'm ....I don't know a label for me, but I wear skinny jeans & flats & listen to rock. But at the same time, we both love fishing and camping and the outdoors. And stuff like that. Got it now? Good.

feelin' satisfied...

I know I haven't technically been single for long, and I know it's really not a good idea to just jump into another relationship, but it's hard when I spend time with TJ. I wouldn't exactly say TJ & I have a long history or anything - we've just known each other for a while - and just have been talking again for about a year. But there's just something about him. I really don't know what yet, but there is. He's sweet and thoughtful and caring and someone I can talk to. Being able to talk about our goals and hopes and just lives in general with some is very important to me and something that Chris & mine's relationship lacked. I think that's what ultimately led to the demise of our relationship. So it's nice to listen every once in a while. It's nice to hear someone else's lifelong goal and their path to getting there. It's nice to hear about someone's childhood and how they were raised and how that made them who they are today. I know I'm a big talker and I love talking but it's just nice to listen sometimes. And I wish I got to listen more with Chris.

Spending time with TJ I get those butterflies in my stomach and I really don't know why. He's not my "typical type". He's a "cowboy" - wears the cowboy hat and boots and listens to country (ew). He hunts & fishes & camps - although I don't mind the camping and fishing part since that's something I love too. But I listen to him and I see his ambitions and I see his motivation and desire and I just find that so attractive. It just makes me want to get to know him more and just curl up in his chair and listen to his life. Haha.

But then also part of me feels bad. Then again, another part of me doesn't because it doesn't seem like this breakup is putting too much pain or heartache on Chris. He seems to be taking it rather well & already going out and meeting new people. So maybe hanging out with another guy is not a horrible thing...

this is outof control...

I've been reading this book for the past three years, Eat, Pray, Love (by Elizabeth Gilbert), because it's seems that every time I want to read for my own enjoyment, I have other shit to do (i.e. homework). I read this paragraph the other day and felt it suited my situation and belief well.

"He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this go...[his] purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that [relationship] that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a bit, show you your obstacles and addiction, break your heart open so a new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it."

It's true. I've always believed that you can only have one "true love" - the person you spend the rest of your life with. Other "loves" are not really loves but actually just lessons and guiders to help you along the path you want to go. They may be important people and they may stay in your life for a long time (even forever) but they are not the person you are supposed to spend your life with - that is reserved for your true love.

This book is very enlightening (when I get around to reading it) and I highly recommend it.

all my single ladies...

I've recently wrote about how great my life is becoming now that I'm becoming more independent and comfortable with who I am. I feel like I've grown so much in just this last month. I am now aware of who I am and what I want. And sometimes, I do deserve better. The past four years of my life have been quite a rollercoaster. And in the jumble of it all, I started to lose myself and who I was and what I lived for. My dreams and hopes were pushed away as I focused all my energy in being a great girlfriend. At the time, I didn't mind. But now, I have grown. And I expected others to grow with me. Unfortunately, they didn't.

So instead of continuing to hold myself back, I've decided to continue growing. That's what my tata believed in. He believed in always improving yourself. Once he mastered cooking, he learned how to paint. Once he mastered painting, he learned how to craft anything with wood. That's how he lived. He was always learning and improving and increasing his skills and talents. And I want to follow his beliefs and not let him down. I want to honor him by living my life like he did.

So instead of being unhappy for yet another year, I've done something I never thought I had the strength to do. And now I feel weird. I'm not sure what to do next. But I do know that I will be ok. And that I will continue to grow. And even though I'm terrified, I'm happy with where I am right now. My life. Is good.

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."

--Henry David Thoreau